Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 23

 THE NEWS AND WEIRD REPORT

        The sticky competition for the annual Duct Tape Award from Henckel Adhesives, goes this year to Wasilla, Alaska. The tiny town of 5,469 bought nore than 314 feet per person from the local Wal-Mart, mainly to wear on their faces against the cold.

        The Justice Department reports that one in every 37 Americans has been in the slammer at the end of 2001. That's 5.6 million of us, or 2.7% of the adult population. Is there an award for that, too?

       Latest Palestinian bus bomber, Raed Abdel-Hamed Masq was a teacher at a private school in Islamic studies and according to the L.A. Times Henry Chu, was soon to receive his Masters Degree.  Noting that te word "certificate" and "martyrdom" are the same Arabic word, Raed was fond of saying, "God grant that I achieve martyrdom before my certificate." What a sense of humor.

        Michigan clairvoyant Sandra Anderson and her dog, Eagle, have been amazing local cops for years with their psychic ability to unearth human remains, but now they've been arrested for planting those very bones themselves.  Hey, isn't that what dogs do?

        The new edition of the revered Oxford Dictionary has added the words, Muppet (a foolish person), Blog (short for Web Log), and Eeyorish -having a gloomy outlook. But my personal favorite is Egosurfing or "searching the internet for references about yourself."

        Hey -- check out: http://www.hyperfire.com/Proctor

        Finally, The Big Blackout of 2003 led DJs on stations which kept broadcasting on backup generators, to actually pick their own music! "It was like free-form radio from the 1970s," says Mike McIntyre, assistant program director for NYC's WXKR-FM interviewed for Blade magazine.

        "We played Humble Pie, the J. Geuls Band, Deep Purple - stuff we're never allowed to play." (What? No Firesign Theatre???)

                     "Power Outage Traced To Dim Bulb In White House." ~ Anon

HUIT REGLES SIMPLES...

        I was so rushed in writing the last orbit, my head is still spinning, and I forgot to mention that I had appeared "live" but off-screen as a French-speaking actor in an art film called "L'Amour est L'Eau du Coeur" that suddenly turns erotic on the "Sex Ed" episode of "Eight Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter."I worked with a wonderful young actress named Salli Saffioti and had a great reunion with star John Ritter, bringing each other up to date on our kids' careers.

        Also, it's not an April Fool's joke that UCLA Artist in Residence Hal Willner will be presenting the audio-plays of the Firesign Theatre on Thursday, April 1st, at Royce Hall.  

     The cast includes John Goodman, Howard Hesseman, Brad Hall and Julia Louis-Dreyfuss with musical guests Captain Billy's Whiz Bang, Todd Rundgren, "Pere Ubu's" David Thomas and Steve Weisberg's "kind of' Big Band.   

        It's called, "Let's Eat: Feasting on the Firesign Theater," and tickets can be purchased by calling the UCLA Box Office.  And yes, The Fabulist Four will be present as Honored Guests!

     A new constitution for Iraq?" Hey, why don't we send them ours? It worked well for us for over two hundred years... and we're not using it any more." ~ Jay Leno

CATALOGUE HELL

        The latest from a catalogue called "Favorites", (which I threw away):

        Collectible Ladybug Box, Fleece Shoulder Wrap with Embroidered Dachshunds, L'il Vampire Pacifiers, Time-out Chairs, Scented Chenille Slippers, Pig and Cow Wiggle Stakes, Armed Forces Freezer Mugs, Moose and Horse Stands, a Glass Birdhouse Tree, a "Knight" Light, and an 8-ball Rug and Beer Mug Clock.

        OK, I did order a pair of Praying Mantis Bug's Eye Glasses for our nephew, Luke. He threw us an "Animal Party," remember?

    "Kai, Bo, Bi" is "Scissors, Rock, Paper" as it's played in Korea. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

OH, BROTHER

        Dean Christopher writes that Attila the Hun had some brothers, too. Flotila the Hun, his chief of naval ops; Godzila the Hun, head of the Mongol hordes' zoo; Scintila the Hun, a tiny little fellow; Joemila the Hun, whose joke book was indispensable to troop morale; Tortilla the Hun, who conquered Mexico; Chinchila the Hun, responsible for clothing the troops; Salmonila the Hun, the Mongols' head chef; and of course their choirmaster, A Capila the Hun.

       "Blood has no nationality." ~ from the film "Gattica

 MOUSE BALLS 2003

        I first ran this "real memo" in 1996, but it's apparently being rolled out again since several Planeteers sent it to me.

        "If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

        "Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

        "It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.

        "Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer."

         "The penis has no loyalty." ~ Dr. Irwin Goldstein, on alternatives to Viagra

 GHEZUNDHEIT

        Carole Peterson alerts us about a new and insidious email virus. Even the most advanced programs cannot defeat it, and it appears to affect mainly those born prior to 1965.

        The symptoms:

                1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.

                2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.

                3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.

                4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.

                5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.

                6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.

                7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."

                           It's called -- The C-Nile Virus.

   "If the logging industry cut down 1,000 trees in the forest, would George Bush deny they made a sound?" ~ Question posed by Dem. Candidate Joe Lieberman

WHY A 99-CENT THEATER?

        In last week's "L.A. Weekly", there appeared an article by Steven Leigh Morris on the new Theatre at Boston Court, where I'll be appearing next month in the New Orleans Ante Bellum Romeo & Juliet.               

        Benefactor and entertainer, Z. Clark Branson, believes that the Equity waver model is "The best way to view theatre, not only for the intimacy but to be able to see works in development, and co-partner Eileen T'Kaye also defends the ethics of investing 5 million for a venue which usually pays actors only $15 per performance (they will be paying us $25!) by saying that their commitment is "to provide actors with sparkling dressing rooms and facilities that send a message of respect. For better or for worse," she continues, "99-seat theatre is what works in Los Angeles."

        Our production of "R/J" employs 23 actors, including understudies, (a rare thing) and Director Michel Michetti doubts that the 686-seat Pasadena Playhouse would be apt to stage such a daring and edgy show.

        When smaller theatre productions fail, adds Eileen, "It's because people are taken advantage of or treated poorly." And from my experience, that includes the audiences!

     "Being an activist means always having to find something new to complain about." ~ Declan McCullagh

KIDS!

        Johnny Depp told "GQ Magazine" interviewer Lucy Kaylin, "The best training you can have for toddlers is hanging out with drunks.

        "Helping them walk, cleaning up their vomit, putting ice on their head when they fall and smack it on the table, the uncontrollable rage and tears and joy all in, like, seconds -- he's just a cool little drunk."

        And Depp is a cool little pirate drunk in his latest movie.

        And we all thought he got his inspiration for the role from Stones' rocker Keith Richards...

        Cybill Sheperd says Gray Davis is a good kisser. ~ Phil's PhunnyPhacts

ANOTHER CASE OF HEPBURN?

        S.F. DJ Paul The Lobster" Wells, writes that a recording engineer friend in New York had a session with the great Kate when she was in her 70's in a sixth floor studio.

        The elevator broke down shortly before she was scheduled to arrive, and they frantically tried to contact her to cancel and then planned to carry her up stairs. But before they could head down, they heard footsteps on the landing and  in strode Hepburn, followed by a huffing and  puffing 300-pound assistant.

        Kate looked at them with her steely eyes and smiled: "Thanks for the exercise, boys, " she winked, "Now, let's get to work!"

  "He resembles and sounds a bit like Kirk Douglas, and his speech pattern is very similar to Frank Sinatra." - Directionsfor an interactive project

TIT FOR TAT

        Here's another "old joke" sent by a Rasta woman friend in Kingston to Grand Reggae Master, Roger Steffens.

        93-year-old Aunt Alice was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.

        Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in her already broken heart, and not wanting to become a vegetable and a burden, she called her doctor's office to determine exactly where it was located.

         "Just below your left breast," he told her.

         Later that night, Alice was admitted to the ER with a gunshot wound to her knee.

   "In Russian prisons, inmates would tattoo Stalin and Lenin on their chests so the Communists wouldn't condemn them to death by firing squad," ~ Tattoist Alix Lambert in the L.A. Weekly

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2003 by Phil Proctor
Published AUGUST 23, 2003