Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 22

 "Remember, Schickelgruber was Austrian, too."
~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        "Hey," writes Irish Radio's Roger Gregg,  "what they call 'E4' [one of the channels from Britain we get on cable] has just started showing American 'Big Brother'.

        "The American show is very different than the British one. The yanks are very competitive - with people being nasty to each other and purposely trying to screw each other up. The Brits win because of how nice and well liked they are, the scheming, nasty and bitchy ones are the first to go..."   

        "I had a horse, it got shot, so I had to break its legs." ~ Stephen Wright


        Tom Tully tells us that now that Uday and Qusay are gone, the lesser-known family members are coming to the attention of American authorities.

                Among the brothers:

        Sooflay, the restauranter; Guday, the half-Australian ; Houray, the sports fanatic ; Beejay, the gay one ; Kuntay & Kintay, the twins from the African mother ; Sayhay, the baseball player; Ojay, the stalker/murderer.

        Gulay, the entertainer; Ebay, the Internet czar; Biliray, the country music star; Ecksray, the radiologist; Puray, the  blender-factory owner; Regay, the half-Jamaican and Tupay, the one with bad hair:

                And the sisters:

        Pusay, the wild one; Lattay, the coffee shop owner; Bufay, the hefty one; Dushay, the neat freak; Phayray, the zoo worker in the gorilla house ; Sapheway, the grocery store owner; Ollay, the half-Mexican sister; and Gudlay, the ho'...

         "We bagged Sadam Hussein's sons, now it's time to bag dad." ~ Unknown American General


        Peter A. Iacangelo  claims that an elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

        "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

        A few minutes later, the officer radios in.  "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

        80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"

        An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"  

        Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."

    "If Johnny Cochran were a film reviewer, he might say this about 'Gigli': 'If you can't pronounce it, you must denounce it.'" ~ Bob Canning, L.A. Times letter


        Alabama photographer/author Gary Gladstone traveled 38,000 miles through 40 states to find out how the following towns got their names. It's all in a book called "Passing Gas: And Other Towns Along the American Highway."

        GAS, Kansas: People in tiny Gas, Kansas warn others not to blink or they'll pass Gas. And that's how the book got its title.

        SCRATCH ANKLE, Alabama: Church people passing by in their carriages noted that scratching mosquito bites seemed to be the primary pastime of the townspeople as they sat on their porches in the summer.

        INTERCOURSE, Alabama: Named for the crossroads where the general store sits. True story: A sign was posted outside the town's meeting hall promoting the local ladies' sewing instruction group. It read, "Intercourse Lessons Wednesday Night." After several car crashes at that intersection, the good ladies were asked to remove the sign.

        SUCK-EGG HOLLOW, Tennessee: When a local farmer realized some critter was eating his hens' eggs, he shot every animal that came close to the henhouse. Then he figured out it was black snakes sucking down the eggs. Because of this story the town got its name of Suck-Egg Hollow.

        TOAD SUCK, Arkansas: Ferryboat captains sucked down moonshine whisky in between runs until they "swole up like toads." Hence, the name.

        PECULIAR, Missouri: Way back when, the townspeople submitted various names to the mail district for their town. Three times the name they selected was not approved because it was already being used by another town. Finally, officials sent town officials a message urging them to choose a name that was "peculiar, meaning unique."

        DYNAMITE, Washington: Named for the old stone storage shed once used by Chinese laborers who handled explosives.

        HELL, Michigan: Named when an important person spurned the place, and as he was storming out of town was heard to say, "You can call this place Hell for all I care." And so they did.

        SWEETLIPS, Tennessee: So named for the Civil War soldiers who stopped for a drink at the stream.

        STINKING POINT, Virginia: So named when the bodies of Civil War soldiers washed up on shore. (Attribution Unknown)

         "If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?" ~ Just Asking


        Reuters reports that Stonehenge is actually a massive fertility symbol, according to Canadian researchers who believe that the "layout" represents female genitalia.

        The theory is in a paper entitled "Stonehenge: a view from medicine" from Britain's Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine by Anthony Perks, a retired professor of obstetrics and gynecology. Perks states that viewed from on high, Stonehenge's inner bluestone circle represents the labia minora and the giant outer sarsen stone circle is the labia majora. The altar stone is the clitoris and the open center is the birth canal.

        "Stonehenge could represent, symbolically, the opening by which Earth Mother gave birth to the plants and animals on which the ancient people so depended."

        "Insane dad doing his beloved daughter" ~ Internet Spam


        A scientist in Texas has invented a bra which offers more support and prevents a woman's breasts from bouncing up and down. After announcing his invention, the scientist was taken outside where a large group of men beat the crap out of him.

               "Bush/Cheney '04: Over a billion Whoppers served!" ~ Re-election slogan


        When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.  

        Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."  

        He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

        "I BEED AND URGENT RESPONSE" ~ More Internet Spam   


        And film-maker Henry Jaglom sent me a postcard promoting the world premiere of "A Safe Place", a play based on his film, based on his play --38 years after his first movie starring Tuesday Weld, Orson Welles Jack Nicholson and, was released.  It opens on September 13th and plays at the Skylight Theatre on North Vermont. (310.358.9936)

        And if you missed my one week of fame as "The Face Behibnd the Voice" in the last issue of TV Guide, thanks to my pal, artist Andy Thomas, you can visit it at

    "What does it say on a blues singer's tombstone? - I didn't wake up this morning..." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


2003 by Phil Proctor
Published AUGUST 16, 2003