Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 21

"Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly." ~ Dalai Lama 


        I'm tickled that my mug is appearing in this week's "Leno" issue of the TV Guide as The Face Behind The Voice of Big Brother 4, on the flip side of a piece about Tracey Ullman, no less. I'm still rehearsing the role of Father Laurence with an incredible cast for "Romeo and Juliet, New Orleans" under the brilliant guidance of co-artistic director, Michael Michetti, to open twelfth September in the Theatre at Boston Court in Pasadena.

         Melinda and I are also helping the Antaeus Company prepare for it's annual Midsummer Fundraiser, Sudnay, September 7th from 6-9 at the spacious Loz Feliz estate of Rhonda Aldrich and Steve Halber. Last year was a rousing success, as those of you who were there will attest, and invitations with all the details are in the mail, so let us know if you DON'T get one and are interested in supporting us!

        Finally, thank you all for your mail, email and cyber cards wishing me well on my 63rd birthday as next I'll be celebrating my child bride, Melinda's, on the twentieth. And this quote comes from one of her cards to me...

 "The most precious possession to ever come to a man in this world is a woman's heart." ~ Josiah Holland


IRELAND  "Are you magically delicious or just angry and drunk? This beer is black -- did a leprechaun crap in it?"
FRANCE  "Can I get a side of Freedom Fries with that? Aren't the French
just Germans who can make sauces?"
ITALY  "Is the Pope Polish? Does he have super powers like Jesus? I could sure go for a can of Spaghetti-O's! "
POLAND  "Do you hire foreigners to screw in your light bulbs?"
GERMANY  "Is this bratwurst kosher?"
TURKEY  "Where's the hash at? Is it cool to recreationally slaughter Kurds?"
KOREA  "Can you watch my puppy for a minute?"
CHINA  "This wall isn't so great."
SWEDEN  "Got any normal meatballs? Want to hear a dumb blonde joke?"
YEMEN "What a stupid name. What's it mean -- 'Land Of Fanatics And Dust'?"
INDIA  "You don't live in teepees? Where can I get a good steak around here?"
SPAIN  "So, this is the country that's not Portugal Where can I get some
Cheez Whiz Nachos?"
MEXICO  "What's that smell?"
SAUDI ARABIA  "Would you like to see my designs for a solar-powered car? Is it legal to beat                your wives here, or what?"
RUSSIA  "Is it always this cold and economically devastated?"
UZBEKISTAN  "Can you spell Uzbekistan?"
GREECE  "I hear this place is a less expensive version of Italy."
AFGHANISTAN  "Seriously, where is the real country? Where is everything?"
JAPAN  "What's Hiroshima? A kind of sushi?"
AUSTRALIA  "How can we stop Mel Gibson? Is there a cure?"
AMERICA  "Was John Wayne really gay?"

   "Since the Republicans have brought out all the big elephants, it's really great to see all the clowns coming out in force..." ~Larry Margo's LA Times letter on California's total recall


        Al Kamen wrote that hundreds of fans of the Washington Post's "In the Loop" contest submitted  suggestions as to "wha' hopp'ned" to those pesky Weapons of Mass Detraction. Here are Proctor's Picks:

        * "Saddam Hussein's stockpiles of weapons have been ground into radioactive bird feed in order to raise a species of super chickens capable of scratching out simple subtraction problems in the dirt -- to be known as Capons of Math Deduction." -- Lewis Roth, "Americans for Peace Now."

        * "He gave them to Martha Stewart to conceal. She hand-gilded the shells and used her hot-glue gun to attach them to wreaths and swags. Surrounded by tinted seed-pods, dried hydrangea blossoms and sprigs of eucalyptus, they hang now upon doors and over windows across New England and the mid-Atlantic." -- Brenda Clough, U.S. Army Warrant Officers Assoc.

        * "WMD will be found lying on the ground in a walkway behind Saddam Hussein's house, probably next to an ill-fitting glove." -- Sara Ulyanova, Honduran English teacher.

        * "I have them," signed Jayson Blair, journalist, NY, NY

           "There is no Hope for Iraq." ~ L.A. Daily News letter from Tom Fagan


        Paul Pumpian shared with the L.A. Times that he was a writer for Bob Hope's 1976 TV Special and had to bring material for approval to his house, but as he entered, a little yapping dog startled him.

        'Ga-dammit," Bob scolded, "I've told you a million times, you don't bark at the writers, you lick their shoes!'"

        Ed Ryba notes that still, Bob Hope's life wasn't exciting enough, even with TV, radio and "films with a succession of certified bombshells" and ducking another kind of bombshells at his USO shows; so -- D.C.  comics featured him in a comic book series! "I wonder if he could fly, vanquish super-criminals or leap tall blondes in a single gag," asks Ed.

        But my favorite story about Bob's last days is that when asked numerous times by his longtime bride, Dolores, as to where he wanted to be buried.

        He finally said -- "Surprise me."

 "Bob Hope was so old that his NY Times obituary was written by the late Vincent Canby." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Michael Dare sent me an article by Tom Norris about the annual "Fellowship Baptist Creation Science Fair," to get kids excited about Creation and God's truth, open to students from who "don't mind replacing Scientific Method ...with  a firm belief that come Judgment Day, the streets will flow with the blood of the Non-Believers." Some of this year's winners from Darenet:

        Fifth Grader Cassidy Turnbull's project was, "My Uncle Is A Man Named Steve (Not A Monkey)." Uncle Steve was present, standing next to pictures of apes... If that wasn't enough to convince you of his parentage, Cassidy offered him a banana, which he declined. He also didn't throw crap at anyone. What further proof do you need?

        Jonathan Goode (grade 7) offered, "Women Were Designed For Homemaking." (Amen, Brother J!)  

        1. "Physics shows that women have a lower center of gravity than men, making them more suited to carrying groceries and laundry baskets."

         2. "Biology shows that women were designed to carry un-born babies in their wombs and to feed born babies milk, making them the natural choice for child rearing."

         3. "Social sciences show that the wages for women workers are lower than for normal workers, meaning that they are unable to work as well and thus earn equal pay."

        4. "Exegetics shows that God created Eve as Adam's companion, not his co-worker." (Excellent work, Cassidy, and good luck getting laid when you grow up.)

And let's not forget 1st prizewinner Patricia Lewis for her brilliant experiment to see if life can evolve from non-life. Patricia placed all the non- living ingredients of life -- carbon (a charcoal briquette), purified water, and assorted minerals (a multi-vitamin) -- into a sealed glass jar.

The jar was left undisturbed, being exposed only to sunlight, for three weeks...No life evolved.

This shows that life cannot come from non-life through natural processes, and that intelligence cannot come from non-intelligence. His will be done, I guess, says Ed.

   "Truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this, except that it ain't so." ~ Mark Twain


        In Dave Pilkey's "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants", the "evil Professor" forces everyone to assume new names. You will follow  orders!

        Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name: a = poopsie b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gidget e = crusty f = greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim j = stinky k = flunky l = boobie m = pinky n = zippy o = goober p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy s = snotty t = tootie u = dorkey v = squeezit w = oprah x = skipper y = dinky z = zsa-zsa

        Use the second letter of your last name for the first half of your new last name:

a = apple b = toilet c = giggle d = burger e = girdle f = barf g = lizard h = waffle i = cootie j = monkey k = potty l = liver m = banana n = rhino o = bubble p = hamster q = toad r = gizzard s = pizza t = gerbil u = chicken v = pickle w = chuckle x = tofu y = gorilla z = stinker

        Use the fourth letter of your last name to find the second halfpf your new name: a = head b = mouth c = face d = nose e = tush f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = butt l = brain m = tushie n = chunks o = hiney p = biscuits q = toes r = buns s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck y = brains z = juice

        For example, George W. Bush's new name is "Goober Chickenshorts."

        And remember, adds Patti Paul, "Children laugh an average of 146 times a day, adults laugh an an average of 4 times." (Haha, I knew that!)

 "Times in this country are tough. We're at war.There's not that many jobs, the economy is bad and we have a growing deficit. Still the Democrats are asking: 'How are we going to beat this guy'?" ~ Dave Letterman


        From a Super Sale Value Pac I recently received (several times) in my snail mail, here are some exciting items for the man who has nothing:

        Down Spout Frog Covers, Manual Paper Shredders, Lighted Magnifying Toenail Clippers and Brown Sugar Instant Pedicure. A Banana & Fruit Holder - "It's both Elegant And Beneficial!"

        Natural Seagrass Nesting Pockets, Lucky Elephant Lottery Scratch-Off Chains, Talking Finger Parrots and a Dress-up Goose. Hide and Seek Dolls, Ceiling Clocks and 13 Tools in One Convenient Pen! (Just try and get THIS on a flight to Duluth).

        A Sensor Owl with Moving Head, a God Bless America Pewter Message Cross, an Ironing Blanket, and a Water Wand.

                Remember: "Christmas is a-coming and the goose is getting dressed!"

     The new French government approved word for "e-mail" is "courriel" ~ Faits Comiques de Phil



Hummerdinger - Sierra Club


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2003 by Phil Proctor
Published AUGUST 8, 2003