Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 20

"Coming Soon: Gray Davis in 'Total Recall.' Arnold Schwarzenegger in 'The Candidate.'"~ Saul Kahan, L.A. Times letters 


        I turn 63 on Monday, July 28th. If the Yoder genes have anything to say about it, I might have another 30 years to get it right, but it's more likely I'm looking at 15-20. In any event, I intend to make the most of it!

        I'm astonished that today I find myself more creatively and professionally engaged than I've ever been; and I attribute my happiness to my ever-patient and supportive mate, Melinda, and the inspiration I derive from brilliant friends and loving associates.

        As Alastair Sim says in "A Christmas Carol," I don't deserve to be so happy."

        And speaking of Dickens, work continues on the developing "Dickens Project" at Antaeus and rehearsals have begun for the New Orleans Ante-Bellum "Romeo and Juliet", opening on September 12 after a week of previews at the beautiful Boston Globe in Pasadena.  Prithee -come see it, y'all!

        "Big Brother 4" is more fun than ever this year, described in Entertainment Weekly as "freakishly compelling." Don't blame me if you get hooked, and look for a profile of "The Face Behind the Voice" in TV Guide in the next few weeks.  There's a nice present!

        I'm told the Swedish version of the game has a bunch of depressed pale people just sitting around talking; it's directed by Ingmar Bergman. Suddenly there's a knock at the door.

        "Don't answer it," says Jens. "It's Death and you'll be evicted."

  "Of our maladies, the most wild and barbarous is to despise our being...For my part, I love life and cultivate it." ~ The Complete Essays of Montaigne


        In an article called "The Intelligence on Stupidity" by The New York Times' Emily Eakin, we learn that in 1976, British journalist Stephen Pile created the "Not Terribly Good Club" where members were accepted on the basis of their incompetence. But at the club's opening event "at a hand-picked, third-rate restaurant" the founder blundered by catching a tureen of soup in mid-air and "for this blatant display of adroitness, was instantly demoted."

        Undaunted, he penned "The Incomplete Book of Failures" which catalogs notable imbecility such as the worst tourist -- a man who stayed two days in New York believing he was in Rome, and the slowest solution of a crossword puzzle -- 34 years.

        The book also included a membership application for the Club which immediately received 20,000 applications and "thus was in violation of its commitment to failure" and had to be disbanded Now we have "The Encyclopedia of Stupidity" by Matthijs van Boxsel, a lapsed middle-aged Dutch academic who cites research on "the effect of side winds on arithmetic sums," "the specific gravity of a kiss" and "the surface of God," and reveals recent "technological advances" like "filters for water purification that are breeding grounds for bacteria; suntan lotions that cause skin cancer and cushioned running shoes designed to protect the knees but at the expense of increasing stress on the hips."

         He also guides readers to to read about those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it -- such as "the leader of a Christian sect who died after slipping on a bar of soap while trying to walk on the water in his bathtub."

        "On the one hand, stupidity poses a daily threat to civilization," states van Boxel, "on the other it constitutes the mystical foundation of our existence. Stupidity is the engine that drives our society." Full speed ahead!

        "Shift happens..." ~ Radio expert named Wisdom on the stock market


                News from soldiers far away, who say:

                Ixnay on the Uday and the Qusay!

                Yay, hooray... But, pray, where is ussein-hey?

                What's this delay, oh, CIA? Each new day

                Is costing in the illions-bay, and who'll pay?

                And how much longer must our oops-tray ay-stay?

                Maybe war is your way, Bush, but you say

                We're winning? There are better deals on eBay.

                               (Montana Miller)

 "Arnold Schwarzenegger. Finally a candidate who can explain the Bush administration's positions on civil liberties in the original German." ~ Bill Maher


        Danny Mann responded to the Yup'ik language piece by writing, "As a Canadian not only have I studied the Eskimos, I am well versed in their humor. Bet you didn't know I was an INU WIT!"

        He asks "What do Eskimos use to stick the ice bricks together on their homes?" (I glue)

        "What do you call a lesbian club in the Yukon?" (A Klondike bar)

        And, "Do Eskimos serve brie and wine at room temperature?" (????)

                   "Fear of Germans is Klaustrophobia." ~ Melinda Peterson


        Questions and Answers from the National Tourist Board from Ed Ryba include:

"I have never seen warm weather on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?" -- We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die. "Will I see Polar Bears in the street?" -- Depends how much you've been drinking. "Which direction is North in Canada?" -- Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions. "Please send a list of all doctors in Canada who can dispense rattlesnake serum." -- All Canadian rattlesnakes are perfectly harmless, and can be safely handled and make good pets.

        "I have a question about a famous animal in Canada, but I forget its name. It's a kind of big horse with horns." -- It's called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

        "Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada?" --A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. And also South of the United States. Hippos are in that climate. Now, if you face north toward states like Michigan with California on your left and New York on your right, Ca-na-da is that big country to your North...OH FORGET IT, hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked

        And from an Italian..."It  is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver." -- Not going to touch this one.

            "If you're addicted to cybersex you're a MAC off." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


     Voice-over artist Ruth de Sosa's friend wrote a play where two characters go to an Esperanto class and end up singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow."

                               Ie super la arko

                               de l'ciel',

                               kusas lando mirinda

                               diras al ni fabel'

                               Ie super la arko

                               en la blu' --

                               revoj igas realaj

                               regas senzorga gu'!

        Still brings tears to my eyes...

   "If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." ~ Bobcat Goldthwait


        Tim Tuffield sent in some "Dog's Letters To God"...

        Dear God: When we get to the Pearly Gates, do we have to shake hands to get in? Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize? Can we sit on your couch?  Or is it going to be the same old story? If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

        And here's a list of things I must remember to be a Good Dog:

        I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it up. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar. The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

        The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff. I will not throw up in the car. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

        I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying "hello".

        I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house. The cat is not a squeaky toy; so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

        And, finally one last question: Dear God, When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?

  "No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation." ~ Fran Lebowitz


        Professor Steven Wright asks:

        If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's screwdriver? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano call a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things? If horrific mean to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?

        "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?  If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

        Do Roman paramedics refer to "IV's" as "4's"? Why isn't "11" pronounced "Onety-one?" Why is it that if someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you will believe them; but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure? When someone asks you, 'A penny for your thoughts' and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

        Turn in your papers now.

         "A 'Shrimp Cocktail' is' Sea Monkeys in Smirnoff.'" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Jan and Rita heard that little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence, curious as to the cheeky-faced youngster's activities.

        "What are you up to there?" he asked politely.

        "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

        "That's an awfully big hole for a little goldfish, isn't it?" asked the concerned neighbor.

        As Nancy patted down the last heap of earth, she replied,  "That's because he's inside your f**king cat."

    "Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home." ~ Patty Paul





        "Get off the Internet and go outside!" ~ "Ranger" David on "Big Brother 4"

2003 by Phil Proctor
Published JULY 26, 2003