Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 19

"My Maltese Is Smarter Than Your Honor Student" ~ Beverly Hills bumper sticker 


        Life is more and more like a parade of summer bombs and blockbusters! The Prez responds to the incessant slaughter of our boys in Iraq by declaring that such sniping will change nothing. "My answer is, bring 'em on!"

        To which "Demo" Presidential hopeful Gephardt says, "Enough of the phony, macho rhetoric...we need a serious attempt to develop a postwar plan for Iraq and not more shoot-from-the-hip one-liners." (And no more over-hyphenated hyperbole, either!)

        Then, Palestinian Authority Advisor Michael Tarazi declares that the Road Map to Peace is precarious at best by saying, "When you know how the movie ends, how can you get excited watching it a second time?"

        And Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi, already under a cloud because of his Tony Soprano-like demeanor, really put his foot in it when addressing the European Parliament as its newly imbedded leader. When chided by German Social Democrat Martin Schulz over "perceived conflicts of interest' regarding his control of Italian media, Berlusconi responded that "In Italy a producer is making a movie on the Nazi concentration camps. I will propose you for the role of inmate trusty."  (Isn't that Begnini's part?)

        Later, the Prime Minister asserted that he meant no offense. "It was an ironic joke. Perhaps the translation wasn't done in an ironic sense." So another Social Demo-kraut, Olaf Scholz (no relation?) countered, "The countless numbers of victims of the Nazi government should forbid any irony."

        Ironically, nonetheless, Johann Leprich (pronunciation?) a former Nazi concentration camp guard was arrested in Clinton Township, Michigan (no relation) hiding "in a secret compartment beneath the stairs."

        N.Y. Private Detective Steve Rambam (God, it's good, ain't it?) added, "I must say it is poetic justice. Think of all the Jews who had to spend all of World War II hiding in secret compartments."

        Meanwhile, in Iraq, newly uncovered records of political massacres suggested that some victims were "minced" to death (wait for it...) by being passed through plastic shredders.According to an eyewitness, they killed "from 9-5 for 31 days."  The death toll is expected to reach a million, sys the L.A. Times.

        On a lighter note, Israeli police are sticking "phosphorescent safety strips" on camels that ply the Negev desert because of an alarming number of midnight collisions. Glow figure...

     "We spend almost 3 years of our lives on the let's learn to say: Wow! That's a great toilet!" ~ From Singapore's "Happy Toilet" campaign booklet


        "Big Brother 4" is off to a great start with another clever twist from producers Arnold Shapiro, Allison Grodner and executive producer/director Jon Kroll.

        Five of the houseguests have been unexpectedly matched with their ex-girl and -boy friends, leading to backstabbing and toe-sucking. By summer's end, someone will leave the house a half a million dollars richer; but not I. You can hear my ins and outs every Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday for the next three months.

        I'll also be appearing, I've learned, as "Friar Laurence" in "Romeo and Juliet" at Pasadena's beautiful new Boston Court Theatre. Set in Ante-Bellum New Orleans, previews start September 9 and the play will run through November 9.

        More info will follow, and I hope those who can will come see us.

  "Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home." ~ Patty Paul


        Remember "Nanuk" of the North?  That means "Polar Bear." Group Leader Mickie McGowan recently supplied us with an abridged Eskimo dictionary to use on Disney's upcoming "Brother Bear." It is a most unique language and now I know how to say:

        "Aimerpok akropiyok immurlerpok erkrirutit idluiksarpok tiblit. Issumaksorpok kangelrapok. Taku! Sarpituyok kregertarpok uyakterpok sinaliarpok...Itkromok! Kalertanartok kattingolarpok. Unmikjuktok simmiktartok. Sikkiwok."

        "He visits hoping to receive food, lies down and curls up like a dog, has tattooings around the mouth and traces of food on his face. He gets others into trouble and does as he pleases. Look! He walks ahead of the dogs with his toes outward and makes little hops on tippy toes to the ice's edge...that's more or less pleasing! It makes one shiver with emotion, and the dog grunts. His beard is full of frost and he has hiccups. He puts his chin in the water to drink."

        I can only assume that these short words contain so much meaning because it's too damn cold to talk! And as we say in the Yup'ik dialect, "Quyana!" Thanks, Mickie.

"To a parakeet, talk is cheep." ~ Actor Paul Willson


                 Brad Schrieber notes that we also forgot ...THE PLAYWRIGHT:

        "Everyone should feel free to change the text as often as they like. No, I don't need payment because this brilliant production itself is the real reward. It doesn't matter if you leave my name off the flyers. You cast whomever you like and don't worry if it's just because he's your friend. No thanks, I don't drink."

            (And a writer friend of Flori Schutzer adds: "Just use your own words.")

  "A writer is somebody for whom writing is more difficult than it is for other people." ~ Thomas Mann, novelist, Nobel laureate


        Ed Ryba asks if I'm familiar with the story of how Groucho Marx was reputed to have been kicked off NBC, due to an incident on "You Bet Your Life". Briefly, the story goes like this. Groucho was talking with a female contestant; and asking if she had any children, she answered, "Yes, nine."

        "NINE children?", exclaimed Groucho.

        "Well, my husband loves children", explained the woman.

        "I love my cigar, too," said Groucho,  "but I take it out once in a while!"

        The NBC censors were so incensed the show was cancelled.

"Every single day there is hue and cry.That's what this country is all about." ~ D.Sen. Barbara Boxer


        Police in Cincinnati, Ohio shot and killed a white man today, plunging the police department into chaos and confusion. Police officials reported, "We don't know what to do. There are no forms for this kind of thing. Normally we've got fifteen levels of review, but we don't know what to do now. Hell, the Justice Department hasn't even called to ream us out."

        Precinct commanders dispatched riot units, but not a single case of looting or property destruction was reported. One white man was given a ticket for spitting on the sidewalk and two other whites were detained for crossing against a red light. One police officer was quoted as saying, "It's damned scary how quiet it is. It's almost like everyone is going on with their business like normal. Freaky."

        The Mayor of Cincinnati's office was also embroiled in turmoil. "We're actively seeking someone with whom to engage a series of dialogues to, uhhh, do something about, umm, this." So far, no person or group has accepted the Mayor's offer to "enter into dialogue" about the shooting or its effect on the community.

        The Mayor's office did report they received three phone calls wondering when the Cincinnati Reds' first home game would be. (Attrition Unknown)

Do smokers say, "Here's ash in your eye?"~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        Filipino Casimiro Lagugad, 25, was stabbed dead for singing a Frank Sinatra classic out of tune during a birthday party in the Manila suburban city of Caloocan,.

        Witnesses said the suspect, Julio Tugas, 48, a guest and neighbor of the victim, irked because Lagugad was singing out of tune, suddenly attacked him stabbing him in the neck.  Probably had the apartment next door...

        Meanwhile, Reuters reported that German police were investigating the discovery of a headless body near castle Frankenstein in Germany, a ruin many see as the inspiration for the novel about the mad scientist who made a monster from body parts.

 "A grenade thrown into a French kitchen would result in 'Linoleum Blown apart'" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts.


        Aren't you the guy from the Village People? I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer. Are You Andy or Barney?

        I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (Except in Texas) You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? I pay your salary!

        Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. You must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up. Good job! I was only trying to keep up with traffic. I know there are no other cars around --that's how far ahead of me they are.

        When the Officer says "Gee Son, your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

        Gosh, Officer, that's terrific. The last cop only gave me a warning, too!

     "Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window" ~ Redneck's bumper sticker.


        Several readers noted that I Ms-spelled Katharine Hepburn's name, but an anecdote in Liz Smith's column reveals that unlike actress Katherine Cornell, who put a lawyer on the case if a publication used an "e" --Hepburn couldn't care less.

        In a letter to Miss Cornell she wrote:

        "I don't give a damn how they spell me as long as Hepburn comes out correctly.  The missive was addressed to "Katherine Cornell."

      "I Hope My Ship Comes In Before My Dock Rots." ~ Embroidered pillow in  Jan Powell's apartment


        Director/composer Jeff Mandel alerted me to the Vatican's new edition of "Lexicon Recentis Latinitatis" wherein Roman Catholic experts attempt to keep  the ancient language up to date. (Too bad they can't do that with their dogma.) So, what would Cicero have called a "video rental shop?"

                     "Capsellarum magnetoscopicarum theca"

                 A Dishwashing machine? - "Escariorum lavator"

                 Best selling book: "Liber maxime divenditus"

                 Commuters are "Tempus maximae frequentiae"

               The FBI is "Officium Foederatum Vestigatorium"

        And the best for last...a hot dog is a -"Bastillum botello fartum."

"I know a guy who let food replace sex in his life. Now he can't even get into his own pants." ~ Jack's Jokes


                    Jeeze -


                    WMD? -

                    Not again! -

     "I buy stamps by mail. It works OK until I run out of stamps." ~ George Carlin

2003 by Phil Proctor
Published JULY 10, 2003