Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 18

 W'AS UP?

        Well, in my hometown of Goshen, Indiana, the cost of driving a horse-drawn buggy s going up $20 a year because of a new non-motor vehicle tax while here in Legs On Sale, our car tax has been tripled! Elkhart County's Amish population is so large, that the locals say if you need to find the way to Shipshewana, just follow the horse droppings.

        Baghdad "Bad Gag" Bob, also known as Comical Ali, reemerged this week and the Times Wire Services said that Said Saraf, 63, who had the world's attention for months, now "can't even get arrested."

        Maybe that's because he called the forces now occupying his beleaguered land "an international gang of criminal, blood-sucking bastards - ignorant imperialists and losers."  This is their punishment. Shunning.

        "Talk about a guy who can stay on message, " notes U.S. Army Col. Guy Shields, "If he is alive and can get himself to the United States, he can become a millionaire as a spokesman for whomever..." Just what we need.  Another washed-up celebrity taking jobs from us hard-working voice-over guys!

        Oh, well, I start my summer job soon, announcing for the next season of "Big Brother" on CBS, and though I've also been summoned for jury duty in November, I may be treading the boards some nights in the inaugural production of "Romeo and Juliet" at the brand-spanking new Boston Court Theatre in Pasedena.  If I'm cast, I'll be essaying "Friar Laurence" as a Catholic Father with a French accent, in director Michael Michetti's innovative reinvention of Shake A Spear's classic.

        He's set the timeless story of the cross-eyed lovers in Ante Bellum New Orleans, featuring Hatiian Creole and French families. Hope I get to "play" with them...

   "You get cast in a show; you rehearse for five weeks; you get really close to your fellow company members; you open the show; and then wham! Sixteen years later the producer decides to close it." ~ Actor Nick Wyman on the end of Broadway's "Les Miz"

 ALSO CLOSING THIS WEEK

        Katharine Hepburn, who left us with such a legacy of leggy art and these wise words among so many: "The trick to getting what you want in life, my dear, is is not wanting it until after you get it."

        Both Melinda and I were interviewed by ABC News at her Hollywood Walk of Fame star, located right across from the Pantages Theatre where we had just laughed ourselves silly at a matinee of "The Producers".  The reporter said that none of the young people she stopped even knew who Hepburn was!

My imitation of her voice and Melinda's anecdote about meeting her at a tour of the Mark Twain mansion many years ago in their hometown of Hartford, Connecticut, were apparently aired on several local broadcasts, according to our friends.

        And exit laughing, was the cute, comical Buddy Hackett who said, "#$%@&**+!!!" and then left stage right or fell into the orchestra pit.

        And, and?   They always come in threes...

  "'Gone With The Wind' would have amassed $2.4 billion in today's dollars, beating 'Star Wars' and "Titanic'" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

CURTAINS, ACT II

        "The fact that IT'S CURTAINS did not include famous lines from SOUND DESIGNERS speaks "volumes." But, just to give us sound designers their due, allow me to give you a few Things Never Said of my own," writes Peter Stenshoel:

        "No, I have no problem that Kenny G, has written special music for the production!  Say, why don't we just have the STAGE MANAGER run lights AND sound? Can we play this cue lower? A Frank Sinatra song and a gunshot? Fabulous choice! The board operator? Why not just grab some hungry soul off Sunset strip on a Friday night?  It's not rocket science. The show opens in two days and you're calling me now?  Why, that gives me more than enough time to design the show. I'm really glad the show has so many cues.  A series of one-acts with a repertory plot?  That makes things SO MUCH EASIER! Instead of historically accurate music, why not just play Motown? No thanks, I don't drink.

        "I loved all of Tom T. Hall's songs and both of his melodies."~ Kinky Friedman

PUT A SPIKE IN IT

        By now, everybody knows that TNN (The Nuts Net) wanted to change it's name to "Spike TV" to accommodate it's all-male makeover, but Sheldon Jackson Lee, known to us as "Spike" put a stop to all that with a multimillion dollar lawsuit claiming that his reputation was being "Blurred."

        My pal, Spike Jones, Jr. said that he finds it "frightening that a court would allow Spike Lee to acquire an exclusive (and free) ownership interest in the name..." and a pundit letter-writer in Daily Variety remarked that Lee "didn't complain before when they named a TV show after him: 'Jackass.""

        TNN President and "Rugrats" movie producer, "Albie" (Alan) Hecht is considering other names like "Guy, Jack, Rick, Dave, Bob, Joe and yes, Randy."

        I think it's funny that our Rugrats dog is also named "Spike" and in the upcoming "Sinbad" animated feature, there's a bulldog named "Spike" as well. Go sic 'im!

     "My husband likes spy novels; give me a Modular Random Access Manual any day!" ~ TV ad copy

PRETENTIOUS PROPERTIES PRESENTS:

             Canyon Ridge SuperEgo Estates -- Look Down On Everyone!

                 Houses so big, they're beyond your wildest dream!!

                     They'll be your neighbors' NIGHTMARE!!!

                                CHOOSE BETWEEN:

                     Retro-Pseudo-Neo Modern, Twin-Tower Tudor

                        Or Moroccan Mission Position

                     On Cotton Plantation or Coffee Grounds

               (Choice of Italian Roast, Columbian Decaf or Frappicino)

                With Plenty of Closets and More Bathrooms than Bedrooms

                 All on 1 and 1/8th Acres -- it's a LOT O' HOUSE!

          "It takes a village to live here - thank goodness they don't!"

                                  SECURITY:

           Gated Driveway with Satellite Navigation System Override

                    Mile-High Earthquake-Proof Retaining Walls

                         Deer and Coyote-Proof Haha

               Uzi-Armed Security Turrets, 24-Hour Searchlights

                        Shark and Agent-Stocked Moat

            Off-Grid Outage-Proof Hybrid/Hydrogen Cell Power Plant

                                 RECREATION:

                  Bomb Shelter/Disco  (Events Planner on Premises)

                     Private Gym and Pilates Dungeon/Disco

                   Tennis/Racquetball/Bowling/Video Game Arcade

                             And Water Park/Disco

          Super Cannes-Sized Swimming Pool for Yachting and Water-Skiing

                    Filtered Fiji-Water Spa and "I'm Hot" Tub (C)

                        Pedigreed Dog Run and Bridal Path

                   Chapel/Mosque/Temple/Meditation Room/ATM

                     99-seat SAG Waver Imax (C) Screening Room

                     With You're Surrounded (C) Sound System

             Four-level Garage for Stretches, Humvees, SUVs and WMDs

                  Members Only Golf Course (Pro on Premises)

                  Skeet, Crow and Gas-Meter Reader Shooting Range

                   Indoor/Outdoor Mud Bath and Love Pitt (C)

          Hawaiian/Aztec BBQ with Poo-Poo Patio and Sacrificial Lanai

            Chumash Indian Gambling Casino (the House Always Wins!)

                        Endangered Stuffed Bird Sanctuary

                         Slaughterhouse and Tanning Room

                                    STAFF:

            Lawyers' Guest House adjacent to Your Manager's Cell

                    Separate Illegal Alien Slave Quarters

                               With Half-Bath

                    Zagat(C) A-List Restaurant with Power Booths,

                    Maitre D', Sommelier, and Wolfgang Puck (C)

               Private Runway and Helo-Pad (Air Controllers Extra)

                   PRICED TO SELL AT FREE-RANGE MARKET VALUE

                   (Dependent on Weekend Box Office Grosses)

                   No Hasbeens, Toast or Paupers, Please!!

                  CONTACT: PROCTOR/PETERSON PROPERTIES

                             FAX: 310.275.6743

                    "Just One Sale, and Away We Sail!"

   "The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." ~ Calvin Trillin

GO WILD

        This is an excerpt from a thank note I got from England for some "Howard" postcards.

        "It really meant a lot to them, especially as they have had a lot of bad luck of late, Stacey (13) has been bullied very badly, she even had her hair set on fire 3 times but the police won't do anything! Then at the end of March Hayleigh (9) had an accident when a door slammed on her fingers and chopped off a third of her wedding finger and nearly as much off her index finger! She has been very brave (she was sent home without treatment till the next day when she had a 3 and a half hour operation to tidy up the stumps!!)

        But through out this she has maintained her sense of humour (she wants to go to the local sea life centre so that when some people are petting the fish she can scream and pull out her bad hand and shout "Pirahnas!!"

        Anyway I just want to thank you again and say how much the kids enjoyed the "Rugrats Go Wild" movie!!! OK I'm sick of seeing it but they can't get enough!!! Thanks for bringing a little sunshine! Lots of love, Harassed Mom

"It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then, don't say it." ~ Sam Levenson

LIFE'S FIVE STEP PROGRAM

                                        To Grow Up

                                        To Fill Out

                                        To Slim Down

                                        To Hold It In

                                        To Hell With It

  "I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I had lost exactly two weeks."~ Joe E. Lewis

ONLY IN OSLO

        From Planeteer Jeff Mandel, comments about an LA Times piece on Shabana Rehman, a Pakistani Muslim who does stand-up in Norway.  (Wait, there's more.)

She appears on stage veiled in a black burka with only her eyes revealed. "She steps to a microphone and, in an instant, the Norwegian audience realizes this is not a Muslim woman normally encountered along the fjords."

        Her joke about suicide bombers rewarded with 72 virgins: "What about female suicide bombers?" she says. "What will be their reward? Seventy-two untouched men? That is not so nice."

        She also writes a satiric newspaper column. "I want them to see that we each have an identity and can live in a multicultural Norway." A place where, she quips, Muslim women can "walk around like wandering tents."

  "I guess if Ari had to rebel, being a Republican is better than being on drugs, but not by much." ~ Alan Fleischer, father of ex-press secretary Ari Fleischer

GOD'S BODKINS!

        And from Mitch Krayton: Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, "take only one. Remember, God is watching."

        At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven. Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child's handwriting which read, "Take all you want -God's watching the apples."

"Only two things are certain;the universe and man's stupidity; and I'm not so sure of the universe." ~ Albert Einstein

HULK HAIKU

                               I was made by Ang Lee.

                               You wouldn't like me,

                               If I were made by Ang Lee (Bill Vallely)

                             "HAPPY FARCE OF YOU LIE!!!"

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2003 by Phil Proctor
Published JULY 1, 2003