Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 16

 A PROUD PAPA

        Starting this Sunday night at 10pm on cable, you can see my gorgeous daughter, Kristin, make her national television debut in the second season of HBO's critically acclaimed series "The Wire". Or, as reviewer Chuck O'Toole writes, "Ignore the scary reviews. Stop hiding under those covers. The Wire is the best show on TV, despite its masterful plotting and its social insight."

        Kristin plays "Aimee", a recurring character and the girlfriend of series regular "Nick Sobotka", played by Pablo Schreiber. Aimee is from the Baltimore's Loust Point and gets by working as a hairdresser and dreams of having a better life for herself, and "Ashley", their 4-year-old daughter.

        "The Wire" is told from the point of view of both the police and their criminal targets and the first season tracked a single drugs-and-murder police investigation in Baltimore involving complex and dangerous wiretaps. This season follows a new case down on the Baltimore docks, and the story of a beautiful and talented young actress's emerging career...

           For more info and pictures click on http://www.kristinproctor.com

   "A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

MAD DOGS AND McCLURGS

        The delightfully mad Edie McClurg sent me this batch of excerpts from various British rags.

        First, the Daily Telegraph wrote of a Mr. Arthur Purdey who complained about a rather large gas bill, leading a spokesman for the company to observe, "It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."

        In The Manchester Evening News, police revealed that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because "She was missing her Italian boyfriend," and The Guardian noted that Irish police were being handicapped in their search for a stolen van. Since it's actually one of their undercover "special branch" vehicles, they don't want the public to know what it looks like.

        Also from The Guardian, news of a certain Michael Howard of Leeds who outraged at being charged 20 for a 10 overdraft, legally changed his name to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". When the bank asked him to close his account, Mr. Bastards demanded that they pay out the 69-pence balance by a cheque made out in his new name.

        At the height of a serious gale, according to the Aberdeen Evening Express, a harbormaster radioed the coastguard for an estimate of the wind speed, but the chap contacted near the center of the storm didn't have a gauge.  "However, if it's any help," he purportedly added, "The wind just blew my Land Rover off the cliff."

        And finally from The Times, a story I reprinted once before but which bears repeating, tells of a young girl blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth who was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".

          "Immoral family amusements in nasty pose" ~ Spam Heading

WHO WON THE WAR???

        Garry Margolis writes, "Over the years, I've delighted in some of the magnificent ways in which the English language has been mangled in Japan. There are, for example, the product names, such as the Japanese take on Gatorade - "Pocari Sweat", or the drink sold in North America under the name Calpico whose name in Japan is "Calpis".

        Then there was my 1968 Toyota Corona, the color of which was labeled Horizontal Blue -- and the interior light, which the Japanese normally called the "room light" was called in the manual supplied with the car the "doom" light.

        Let us not forget the Nissan "Fairlady" which carried that name because the chairman of Nissan liked the Broadway show, or the Daihatsu "Charade".

        But the finest specimen I've encountered was in a "Stax" product brochure from a couple of decades ago for an electrostatic headphone.  We hope you're sitting down...

        "Well, from when has the shape of the human ear been lengthwise long and is still so now? Since then in the following 20 years, various knowhow has been piled and it might have been an age of grope for an ideal earspeaker (headphone). If earspeakers (headphones) concerned to listen music, more natural shape to the human ear that may transmit the sound matching the shape of the human ear, as it is with some sound unit should have been designed.  Isn't it? Like all the creatures are, headphones also are developed. This can be a proof."

   "Washington Post correspondent Tom Ricks says the U.S. Army refers to prolonged occupations as  'Roach Motel' wars; you check in but you don't check out." ~ On NPR's "Fresh Air"

OH, BABY, TAKE TWO

        More tests for expectant fathers and moms...

        INGENUITY TEST: Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

        AUTOMOBILE TEST: Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

        MOMMY PHYSICAL TEST: Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

        DADDY PHYSICAL TEST: Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

        FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time.  (From Dan Sevush)

"PIECE MAKER" - Motto painted on a U.S. Gulf War tank muzzle

AXIS OF EVIL REDUX

        Somebody sent me John Cleese's piece (again) as if for the first time, and it made me laugh so much (again), I'm throwing it into the pot...again.

        "Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China and Syria today announced that they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be more evil than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of in his State of the Union address.

        Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new Axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name. "Right. They are just as evil... in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils... best at being evil... we're the best."

        Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded, although they conceded they did ask if they could join the Axis of Evil. "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad.

        "An axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein (from hiding). "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy, and Japan in the evil Axis. So, you can only have three, and a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."

International reaction to Bush's Axis of Evil declaration was swift, as within minutes, France surrendered.

        Elsewhere, peer-conscious nations rushed to gain triumvirate status in what has become a game of geopolitical chairs. Cuba, Sudan and Serbia announced that they had formed the "Axis of Somewhat Evil," forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the "Axis of Occasionally Evil," while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the "Axis of Not So Much Evil Really as Just Generally Disagreeable."

        With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador, and Rwanda applied to be called the "Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics." Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the "Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Some Nasty Thoughts About America," while Scotland, New Zealand and Spain established the "Axis of Countries That Want Sheep to Wear Lipstick."

        "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do", said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell. While wondering if the other nations of the world weren't perhaps making fun of him, a cautious Bush granted approval for most axis, although he rejected the establishment of the "Axis of Countries Whose Names End in 'Guay" accusing one of its members of filing a  false application.

        Officials from Paraguay, Uruguay, and Chadguay denied the charges.

                "Good fences make good neighbors." ~ Robert Frost

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES

        A group of 4-to-8-year-olds were asked,  "What does love mean?"

Some answers:

        Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.

        Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.

        Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss. If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate. I let my big sister pick on me because my Mom says she only picks on me because she loves me. So I pick on my baby sister because I love her.

        Love is when mommy sees daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford. Love is when mommy sees daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think it's gross. Love is when mommy gives daddy the best piece of chicken.

        Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well. Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.

        Love is what makes you smile when you're tired. Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen. When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.

        You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.

           "We have to be good - for nothing!" ~ Religious Science Rev. David Walker

GO DADDY-O!!!

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                        "I want my country back" ~ Democrat Howard Dean

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2003 by Phil Proctor
Published JUNE 14, 2003