Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 15

 "Remember when the only special effect was talent?" ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts

 HAVING A BALL

        Planeteer Ed Ryba forwarded this from a friend who got it from an aviator on the carrier Abraham Lincoln.

        It seems that a pilot must "call the ball" as he approaches a carrier for landing. This refers to a visual aid that informs him he's are on the proper glide path which he then confirms to the ship's controller, and the part that moves up and down in his vision looks like a "meat ball."


        Thus, a standard response would be "Lincoln, Navy One, 12,500 lbs. Roger, Ball" -- meaning "I have the ball in sight and am on glide path." The weight is given to set the braking tension of the arresting-gear cables.

        When President Bush made the call, he said: "Lincoln, Navy One, 12,500 lbs, I have the balls."

This brought the house down, as well as the regime of Saddam Hussein.


                "War is costly. Peace is priceless." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


MY LIPS ARE SOILED

        According to a radio report,passed on by actor Tom Tully,  a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

        Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night and to demonstrate how difficult it was, she asked the maintenance man to clean one of them. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and swabbed the mirror.

        Since then there have been no lip prints.


   "There are so few American tourists in Paris, the French have to be rude to each another." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


HOT FLASHES

        Melinda brought me a jar of Artie Bucco's Marinara Sauce the other day.  On the back is "The Artie Bucco Story" which tells of Bucco's famed Esex county eatery, "Vesuvio" and asserts that his sauces are " made with love, just for you, with the financial backing of a waste management executive and friend of Artie's in the New Jersey area."

        Yes, it's a "Sopranos" brand product from HBO.  Buon' appetito!

        Meanwhile, the Federal Communications Commission relaxed limits on corporate media ownership; and in a telling analysis by L.A. Times writer Sallie Hofmeister, she questions if broadcast television is worth protecting since owners have long abandoned the "public interest" pact, which allows them to use the airwaves for free in exchange for regular public service programming.

        Maybe, she suggests, the government should simply start selling the frequencies to the highest bidder; potentially raising $400 billion from high-tech industrialists which could underwrite public schooling, universal healthcare and even public broadcasting.  F-CC  me!  I never thought of that!

        Finally, a grandmother in Riverside, California wants all copies of Dav Pilkeys' "Captain Underpants" books removed from the shelves of its public libraries.

She was moved to this after observing her 7-year old grandson "drawing a piece of poop"; or to be more specific, the evil "Deputy Doo-Doo" from "The Adventures of Super Diaper Baby," who grew to human size after falling into a nuclear reactor run by Professor Pippy P. Poopypants.

        Others who find the series offensive are urged to write to the publisher, Scholastic (stink?) Inc. and to include a SASE so they can "send you more offensive stuff."


  "We will fight debauchery in order to create an ideal society and to get rid of wrongdoers!" ~ Shiite prayer leader Sheik Khadim Abadi Nasseri in Sadr, formerly Saddam City


 JUSTICE DELAYED

        Republican Representative and Majority Leader Tom DeLay was in a restaurant lighting up a cigar, and it happened to be on federal property, so the manager told him politely that he was violating federal law. His response, according to the Washington Post?

        "I AM the federal government,"

        For the full story, fellow writer Hank Rosenthal suggests you check out last Tuesday's NY Times Editorial Observer column by Adam Cohen and also recalls that Louis XIV said something rather similar to the French Parliament on April 13, 1655:

        "L'etat, c'est moi."


    "Every time I've seen Don Rumsfeld on TV lately, he's been very defensive.- But then, he's the Defense Secretary." ~ Overheard by Richard Fish


 ZEN WHAT?

        Montana Miller wrote for The Lozenge in her News Haikus: "Atkins' fatal slip; thank God it wasn't his heart! Diet rests in peace." And "Passengers gasp: Man approaching cockpit with gun! Whew--It's the pilot."

         Meanwhile, writer Jon Carroll was perusing "The Big Bang, the Buddha and the Baby Boom" by KSAN-radio's Scoop Nisker (or Wes "Scoop" Nisker, as he apparently wants to be called now) and came across the following query: "Why did this Jewish boy begin studying Buddhist meditation, a practice that involves sitting on a floor rather than on a nice soft couch?"

        It's a good question, and the rest of the book answers it. But the book does not deal with the essential problem underlying that seemingly innocent question: Why is enlightenment denied to people with tiny butts and bad knees?

        I'd like to be a Buddhist. It seems like a nice religion. It's apparently based on the premise that all life is suffering and suffering is a good thing. It's also the only religion whose leaders giggle a lot. The pope does not giggle. Seems to me if he giggled more, there would be women allowed in the priesthood.

        As it happens, Scoop Nisker's daughter was at my daughter's wedding, because she's dating a guy . . . never mind. I was wandering around in a daze, my brains falling out of my ears. I was overtired and overhappy.

        "What are you doing?" asked Ms. Nisker. "I have no idea," I said. "I have lost all mindfulness. I may be looking for something, but I'm not sure what. Your father would be all over me like a cheap suit."

        "Breathe," she said, and laughed.

        Yeah, breathe -- that's the Buddhist solution to everything. Breathe and chop wood. Yippee. I'm going to start a religion that involves soft couches and shallow, uneven breathing. There are many roads to the top of the mountain.

        I am one with the universe, but my knees are two with sharp pains. (From "Discrimination Against Couch People" by Jon Carrol)


 "A happy animal is going to make a better eating experience for the public." ~ Texas cattle breeder, Jim Reeves, LA Times


OH, BABY.

        Several of my friends and fellow Antaeans are going to have babies this summer, so here's a simple test to determine if, indeed, you are ready to be a parent...

        MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

        TOY TEST: Obtain a 55 gallon box of Legos (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen.

        GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

        DRESSING TEST:  Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

        FEEDING TEST: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

        NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. start to waltz and hum at the bag until 9:00p.m. Lay it down and set your alarm for 10:00p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

      (From Dan Sevush -- author unknown, but he's certainly a parent...)


      "It wasn't the fall of Baghdad - it was the rise of Baghdad." ~ Iraqi Hasem Ali


THOSE APRIL FOOLS!

        In the press release for "UCLA Live" unveiling its 2003-04 season, it states that Music producer Hal Willner has been named Artist in Residence for the 2003-04 season -- and will present "Shock and Awe: The Songs of Randy Newman" (Jan. 24) and "Let's Eat: Feasting on the Firesign Theater"(April1).

        It'll be a show "featuring sequences from the legendary Firesign Theatre's four famed audio plays performed by a kaleidoscopic cast including John Goodman."

        Starting next week, check out the UCLA Live web site for more information, like do we get royalties?


    "If there's an umbrella in my drink, it better be raining." ~ Winston "No Bull" matchbook cover


IT'S ELEMENTARY

        Element: Womanium

        Symbol: WO

        Atomic Weight: (don't even go there)

        Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

        Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable.  Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones.   Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

        Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known.

        Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.  (From Professor Jane Jacobs)


 "I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain." ~ Jane Wagner, "The Search for Intelligent Life..."


GO, GO, GO!!!

                TOO MUCH: Producer Murders Writer/Director

                KRISTIN SUPERSTAR: http://www.kristinproctor.com

                KRISTIN WIRED! http://www.wireimage.com

   (Look for "The Wire Premiere Inside Arrivals", says my daughter, and you'll see someone who looks like her and is called "Kristen Procter." Hey!)


        "These laws are doomed!" ~ Medical Marijuana Activist Ed Rosenthal, "The Guru of Ganja"


PLANET PROCTOR
2003 by Phil Proctor
Published JUNE 5, 2003