Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 14

 "Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong? Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'" ~ Charlie Brown


        Though only your skin, sinews, and bones remain, though your blood and flesh dry up and wither away, yet shall you meditate and not stir until you have attained full Enlightenment. But, first, a little nosh.

        Enter into your inner self and behold the eye of the soul. Gaze upon your original face before you were even born. Shocked? Remember, this was before the nose job. The Torah says, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." The Buddha says there is no "self." So, maybe you are off the hook. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

        The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single "Oy." Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

        Do not let children play contact sports like football. These only lead to injuries and instill a violent, warlike nature. Encourage your child to play peaceful games, like "sports doctor."

        Let go of pride, ego, and opinions. Admit your errors and forgive those of others. Relinquishment will lead to calm and healing in your relationships. If that doesn't work, try small-claims court.

        There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that? Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated? Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story. (Anon)


     "Two Zen masters walk into a bar. Or do they?" - Jay Bernzweig


                                BACK IN THE NOOSE

        According to Jack Angel, a teacher has been arrested in the U.S., in possession of a compass, protractor, and straight edge ruler. It is claimed he is a member of the "Al Gebra" movement, bearing weapons of math instruction.

        Jack also informs me that a U.N. resolution has been proposed to unify the Turks and Kurds by forming a new nation along the Iraqi border to be called the Turds. But France vetoed the measure in citing historical rights to the name.

        And Scott Ostler noted that Nolan Richardson III resigned as Tennessee State basketball coach after bringing a .38 caliber handgun to the gym following a dispute with an assistant. Tough spot for Tennessee State. They hate to lose a coach of that caliber.

        "Not sure if your local newspaper had the story, but the guy who founded Sea World died recently," writes Andy Pafko. "He lived in Delray Beach and the obit went into some detail about what a genius this guy was and many silent vigils were held in his honor.

        One participant noted, 'This is the mourning of the sage of aquariums.'"

        Finally Ralph Shaffer wrote in the L.A. Times, "Ari Fleisher is leaving the White House for the private sector.

        Gee, hasn't he been doing that since the last presidential election."


 "Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work, and then they get elected and prove it." ~ P.J. O'Rourke


                                DON'T COUNT ON U.S.

        "There are 36 countries allegedly here to help Afghans," says Sediq Afghan {sic], a math teacher from Kabul University recently interviewed in the L.A. Times, "But we'd be better off with 36 dogs; then there would be peace in the country. With 36 cows, at least there would be milk. If we had 36 cats, all our mice at least would have been annihilated."

        And remember when we closed our embassy in Oslo recently because an audiotape apparently from called for strikes against "the United States, Britain, Australia and Norway"? But it was actually Denmark who supported our actions in Iraq.  bin Laden's top lieutenant Ayman Zawahiri probably confused the two.

        I can dig it, People always get the Scandinavian countries all mixed up -- so let me remind you, my daughter Kristin is half NORWEGIAN, and I support her wholeheartedly.

        And you can support her too by watching for her on HBO's "The Wire", starting June 1.


          "I am not a member of any organized party. I am a Democrat." ~ Will Rogers


                     SHOES FOR INDUSTRY, SHOES FOR THE DEAD...

        To which we can now add, "Shoes for the stupid." The L.A. Times' Lance Pugmire says that San Bernardino sheriffs recent corralled 10 felons with a great "stupid human trick" of their own devising.

        Assuming that people love to get free things and don't understand foreign words, they mailed out 160 postcards inviting the offenders to the Big Bear Lodge for a free pair of hiking boots from "Stockdum Scelestus" -a word concocted from German and Latin that means "utterly stupid criminal."

        "The looks on their faces were priceless, " adds sting-meister Sgt. Brooke Wagner.

        And I suppose this is as good a place as any to point out that "placebo" is a word derived from the Greek meaning "I shall please."

        And intriguingly, placebos seem to work so effectively in so many cases because, according to an article in the Skeptical Enquirer, the "placebo response is actuated by neurochemicals in the brain...combined with the fact that an estimated eighty percent of all illnesses are self healing."

        Just ask me, Dr. Proctor, whose motto is "Aut Pecuniae Aut Vita" -"Your Money or Your Life."


    "'My country right or wrong' is like saying 'My mother drunk or sober.'" ~ G.K. Chesterton


                                  IT'S GREEK TO ME

        In "Nature" magazine, it was revealed that theatre-lovers can now take a virtual seat in Pericles' Odeon in Athens, the first indoor auditorium. "But they might wish they hadn't bothered," adds writer John Whitfield.

        "The sight lines were atrocious and it would have been quite dark," says British archaeologist Drew Baker of the University of Warwick. "A forest of pillars would have prevented nearly half of the audience from getting any view of the stage."

        Not so in the Antaeus Company's intimate 44-seat Studio Theatre at New Place on Vineland above Lankershim! For the past three weeks, I've had the great pleasure of singing and emoting to wonderful audiences in the Mayfest, which comes to a musical end the evening of Sunday, June 1st with the final performance of "Trial By Jury, L.A." and songs from other presentations. (I'll be scooting over to play the Judge again after the premier screening and party for "Rugrats Go Wild" in Hollywood.)

        Melinda will also be seen this week in the very popular (and probably sold-out) modern Turkish play, "Pera Palas."  And the author, Sinan Ulel, will actually be staying with us through the end of the run.


                "Genius is always under suspicion." ~ Russian Poet Yevgeny Yevtushenko


                                DON'T MAKE AN ASH OF YOURSELF

        In the latest "Choices" newsletter, it is revealed that an article devoted to a company called "Life Gem" which claimed it could convert cremated remains into a "very expemsive" diamond is actually - hold for it -- a fraud!

        While cremains are made up of bone oxides like calcium, all diamonds are composed of pure carbon and that's converted into carbon dioxide in the burning process and goes straight up the chimney (to Heaven).  Until we can "turn lead into gold," notes Alan Jansen, the so-called Life Gem is just another sorry scam set up to break the banks of the bereaved.

        Sorry, Mom, but I guess you'll have to stay in the Mason Jar.

        But the good news is that Chimpanzees have been officially welcomed into the Human Genus (note, I did not say "Genius") alongside Homo Sapiens (note, I did not write "Saps") since they share 99.4 percent of our genetic makeup (note, they do not wear makeup).

        In spite of what fundamentalists preach, I've always felt that we fell off the ol' ape tree and support the work of The Gorilla Foundation, whose latest journal has a foto of Mr. Rogers and Koko on the cover, commemorating her visit with the late "Neighborhood" host where she "spent well over an hour gently leading him around...hugging and grooming him, removing his trademark cardigan and his shoes, and demonstrating her ability to use various props."


      "Don't piss in the gene pool." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


                                HOLY, HOLY MOLEY

        More misteaks from Church announcements...

        The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility. Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy meal. Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. And a bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

        Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. Also, the pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

        Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community

        Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.


     "God Seems Faraway - Who Moved?" - Mennonite Church Marquee


                                SHORT SHOTS

        * No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

        * When your Mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair.

        * If your sister hits you, don't hit her back.  They always catch the second person.

        * Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

        * You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

        * Reading what people write on desks can teach you a lot.

        * Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

        * Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tictac.

        * Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

        * School lunches stick to the wall.

        * You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. (From little George Amer)


  "I agree with everything you say, but I would attack to the death your right to say it." ~ Tom Stoppard


                                   SURF'S UP!


        BAD BARBI: http://www.memri,org/bin/opener_latest.cgi?ID=SD50403

        TWAIN TWINS: bin/moviedb.cgi?action=ViewTitle&index=BRD104


            "It's illegal to blow your horn in Piano, Italy." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


                   AND HAPPY...(what is it? Oh, yeah)..MEMORIAL DAY!!!!

2002 by Phil Proctor
Published MAY 26, 2003