Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 13

 "Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity." ~ Hanlon's Razor


        Monday night, 8-10pm on Showtime, see me and Melinda in "The Independent", a film by Steve Kessler, starring Jerry Stiller with Jeneane Garafalo, Larry Hankin and our dear late friend, Richard Paul, in his final performance.

        Aand all this month, you can see us LIVE in various shows, workshops and readings at the Antaeus MAYFEST. Visit the website for details @

        Comic comrades Mack and Jamie have released their latest CD, "Extreme Channel Surfing" on Uproar Entertainment, described as  "A warp speed take on pop culture - a frenetic lowbrow Monty Python or Firesign Theater on a diet of Jolt Cola and the National Enquirer."

        And Firesign was also evoked by reviewer Philip Brandes to describe a new musical by L.A.'s Anodyne Ensemble: "If Matt Groening's cartoon characters Akbar and Jeff teamed up with the Firesign Theatre, the results resemble Laural Meade's 'Leopold and Loeb.'"

        Indeed, some of Firesign's greatest works have been among the "staff's picks" on Mac's new I-Tunes commercial download site; and our latest CD, "All Things Firesign" is also out on line, as is Proctor & Bergman's prescient "TV or Not TV', finally available at

        Peter Bergman is presently performing with Groundling's legend Maryedith Burrell as part of eclectic folk-rocker Michelle Shocked's "Shocked and Odd" bus tour. We enjoyed the show last night at The Knitting Factory and tonight they'll be at Nita's Hideaway in Tempe, Arizona.

        Then, before they head East, see them on 5/5 at Flagstaff's Orpheum, 5/7 Santa Barbara's Soho, 5/8 San Luis Obisbo's Unity Church, 5/9 San Francisco's Fillmore, 5/10-11  Reno's  Upstage Theater, 5/13 Santa Cruz's Reo Theater,  5/14 Arcada, TBA, 5/15 Eugene's McDonald Theater (with fries), 5/16 Portland's Aladdin Theater and 5/17 Seattle's Crocodile Cafe.

        Among other hysterical skits woven into Michelle's dynamic set, you'll see Peter as "Bob Hopeless" and Maryedith as "Martha Rae of Light" presenting "The Bummers, where Tony Blair wins Best Adaptation Of A President for impersonating a Prime Minister while actually wanting to be First Poodle of the United States."

   "L.A. is big enough to take you just the way you are, but it won't let you stay that way." - Michelle Shocked


        After the warm rain, the sweet smell of camellias. Did you wipe your feet?

        Her lips near my ear, Aunt Sadie whispers the name of her friend's disease.

        Testing the warm milk on her wrist, she sighs softly. But her son is forty.

        Like a bonsai tree, your terrible posture at my dinner table.

        Jews on safari -- map, compass, elephant gun, hard sucking candies.

        The Shivah visit: so sorry about your loss. Now back to my problems.

        Mom, please! There is no need to put that dinner roll in your pocketbook.

        Sorry I'm not home to take your call. At the tone, please state your bad news.

                (From David M. Bader's book "Haiku's for Jews.")

  "This table matured wine is popular almond strong extractive drink lovers." - Label on Armenian "Byurakan" desert wine


        Professional pundit Bob Harris, who "in a previous life I used to train members of the Saudi Army Signal Corps in avionics", points out that the next time we see Iraqis giving a big "thumbs up!" consider that many Arabs consider an extended thumb much as we regard an extended middle finger.  

        "This was the source of much amusement -- after all, if you could give people the finger, right in their face, and they'd smile and wave back, you'd do it all the time, just for laughs, right? Knowing this makes watching Fox News even more entertaining than usual."

  "Show me a man with two feet firmly planted on the ground and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off." ~ Magic Castle's James G. Williams


        We've recently learned that Iraq's ruined palaces were full of American computers, booze, porn, videos, magazines and pop music, the power elite drove power-steered Chevys, while puffing Marlboros, and they downed magnums of French champagne while firing Magnums, gold-plated Berettas and Smith & Wesson well-oiled .38 silvered Specials.

        Saddam's so-called "Love Shack" was decorated in 70s-disco style with Naugahyde bean chairs, heart-shaped waist baskets and a well-stocked sunken bar and garden decorated with with plastic ferns, while on the walls hung fantastic oils of well-hung hunks with mullets, saving big-busted babes from serpents and dragons.

        Meanwhile, a real hero, our friend Charles Moed, is right now in Baghdad delivering medical supplies for Operation USA.  He called me from his hotel balcony while I was typing this and reported that he was watching the "Ali Babas," as they call the looters, being pursued by our troops in a park below. By the way, the play at a Baghdad theatre recently ransacked was "The Thieves."

        Over in Kabul, Afganistan, the only "blockbuster" to hit town is the film "Titanic" and at the "Titanic Bazaar" (in a regularly flooded river bed), you can get Titanic Mosquito Killer, Titanic Making Love Ecstasy and Havoc on the Titanic Perfume Body Sprays, and Just Call Me Maxi Titanic Perfume to go with your Titanic haircut and Titanic thick-soled sandals.

        And while in Basra, vendor Mortoda Abdula now sells his sausage-style snacks in patty shapes as "hamburgers", to represent "a new hamburger for a new system in Iraq, " back here at home the War on Drugs drags on as the DEA tries to ban the sale of Hemp Cereals and other similar edibles even though Hemp Industries Association president, Steve Levine notes, "There's more opium in poppy seed bagels than there is THC in these foods."

        Let's eat!

  "Each of us are eagles waiting to soar, but some of us act like turkeys." ~ Rev. David Walker


        Jack Angel notes that Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict. She showed that women customarily walked about 10 paces behind their husbands, but after returning to Kabul recently and observed that the men now walked several paces behind their wives.

        Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and said, "This is marvelous. Can you tell the free world just what enabled women to achieve this reversal of roles?"

     "Land mines," said the woman

     "Stuff happens." - Donald Rumsfeld


        The 71-year-old retired movie star lives in Palm Springs where he paints, plays the piano and watches his old movies. But as the last actor to have played the lead chimpanzee role in the Tarzan movies of the '30s and '40s, and acknowledged by the Guinness Book of Records as the oldest chimp in the world, "Cheeta" stands out.

        Dan Westfall saved Cheeta's life when he adopted him from his animal trainer uncle, Tony Gentry, who had planned to have Cheeta euthanized after his death so he wouldn't wind up in a research lab, according to the Associated Press.

        Now, Westfall and his companions care for Cheeta and other hominids at  "Casa de Cheeta" where the old swinger passes the time playing with preschool toys, perusing magazines like "National Geographic", tinkling the ivories and painting "Ape-Stract" canvases, possibly for sale to raise money for a homeless primate sanctuary.

        In addition to his old movies, they note, "he likes watching 'Animal Planet' and cartoons on television."  Hmmm. I wonder if he goes ape over "Rugrats" or  "The Wild Thornberrys"...

    "Whoo whoo whoo, oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh oogh, ooh ooh oooh, oooh." ~ Earth Day chimp greeting from Jane Goodall at the State Dept.


        So observed our Science of Mind Pastor, David Walker, but the following mistakes actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in services:

        Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

        At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy." Our next song is: "Angels We Have Heard Get High." Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

        The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

        Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM; please use the back door. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Use large double door at the side entrance. The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

        The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours." The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

     Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

    "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." ~ Robin Williams





2003 by Phil Proctor
Published MAY 4, 2003