Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 08

"Many a' bum' show has been saved by the flag." ~ George M. Cohan 


        Undisclosed but typically reputable sources have confirmed that Washington is about to launch a potentially powerful secret weapon in the high-stakes diplomatic dispute with France: the dispatch of comedian Jerry Lewis to Paris. This owing to the recent realization that Lewis is now the very last American still actually liked by the French. This comes as new evidence that Washington's diplomatic approach, up to now, has been "Hardly Working."

        Lewis, who just completed his controversial remake, "The Saddam Sack," and is currently on location in Baghdad for his latest, "Chirac-A-Bye Baby," was unavailable for comment. A spokesman for the comedian gave an off-the-record confirmation that Lewis was indeed about to become Colin Powell's diplomatic "Errant Boy" but denied that the comedian was personally pulling the plug on the current Iraqi re-release of "Don't Give Up The El-Samoud" and "Who's Minding The Inspectors?"

        The scheduled March 17th Iraqi TV premiere of "The Nutty Proliferator," however, is now in doubt. In a frantic search for an effective counter measure to Lewis, but only just realizing that Dean Martin is deceased, France is now reported to be making a last-ditch effort to obtain the diplomatic services of Martin Sheen, Martin Short, Martin Lawrence, Steve Martin, Andrea Martin, Dick Martin, and even Martin Scorcese.

        A series of frantic phone calls to the French Embassy from Alan Thicke, claiming that his "real name is Martin," were not taken seriously. (C) 2003 by Wayne Powers

       A four-letter word is a "five-letter word" in French ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


        A school has banned under-sevens from reading the story of the Three Little Pigs in case it offends Muslims. All other tales about pigs, including Babe, are also off limits for pupils under seven at Park Road Junior Infant and Nursery in Batley, West Yorkshire. The school says any talk of pigs is offensive to Muslims who make up 60% of the 250 pupils. Butleading Muslims say there's nothing in their religious rules to stop children reading about pigs.  They eat it up!

     "Look for the ridiculous in everything and you will find it" ~ Jules Renard, 1890


        Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"; Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"; Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"; Esther: "I Feel Pretty"; Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"; Moses: "The Wanderer": Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"; Samson: "Hair"; Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"; Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"; Joshua: "Good Vibrations"; Peter: "I'm Sorry"; Esau: "Born To Be Wild"; Jeremiah: "Take This Job and Shove It"; Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"; The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star" Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"; Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"; Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"; Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

   "Our soldiers have already asked for forgiveness for what we're going to do to the Iraqui army." - Bryan P, McCoy, Lt. Col. SSMC in "Newsweek"


        Ivan Berger was passing a small courtyard and heard voices murmuring.

Entering cautiously, he observed an altar with a large zero in the middle and a banner declaring  "NIL".  Before it,  while white-robed acolytes knelt reverently chanting hymns to "The Great Nullity" and "The Blessed Emptiness".

        Ivan turned to a worshipper beside him and asked, "Is Nothing Sacred?" (Inspired by Gahan Wilson's Cartoon Book)

            "Regime Change Begins at Home! ~ Bumpersticker spotted by Janellen Steineger


        Just to further muddy the waters...according to a recent letter in the LA Times on March 13, it was Iran, not Iraq, that gassed the Kurds who died in scores years ago, today.

        David Holland references a US Marine 1990 historical document (FMFRP3-203, appendix B) which states:

        "We conclude that the Iranians perpetuated this attack."

        Another letter from Liz Bennet decries the naming of the Air Force's biggest non-nuclear bomb as 'MOAB - The Mother of All Bombs" since, in her opinion, "it is mostly men who create these horrors," it should aptly be renamed "The Father of All Bombs."

        And the "Savage" takeover of national talk radio continues with Michael Savage's growing popularity as a ranting rabid "anti turd world" gay-bashing demigod on KSFO-FM in San Francisco, described by liberal broadcaster, Alex Bennett, as "Sig Heil on your dial."

         By the way, it's owned by Disney!

  "To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy's resistance without fighting." ~ Sun Tzu


      "There are known knowns These are things we know that we know.There are known unknowns...things that we know we don't know. But there are also unknown unknowns.These are things we don't know we don't know."  So said Sec't. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld in Newsweek.

        In a later edition he added when asked if his family was stocking up on duct tape and sheeting, "I would like to say I did. I don't believe we do. But I do have a miniature dachshund named Reggie, who looks out for us."

    "World security might be enhanced if duct tape wre used to arrest the inflammatory rhetoric flowing from the mouths of world politicians." -"Time" letter from Robert W. Graham


        A good story is always worth retelling, but if you want a new twist on St. Patrick's Day, listen to the Firesign Theatre at the end of this Monday's "All Things Considered" on NPR.  Nonetheless...

        Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar and after a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think from listening to you that you're from Ireland." The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!" The first guy says, "So am I! And where from Ireland might you be?" The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am." The first guy responds, "Sure and begorrah, and so am I!"

        "And what street did you live on in Dublin?" The other says, "A lovely little area it was; I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

        "Faith, and it's a small world!  So did I!" To which the first guy says, "And to what school would you have been going?" and the other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

        The first guy gets really excited now, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?" The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

        "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!" the first guy exclaims, "Can you believe it,  I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 me own self!" The bartender, shaking his head, mutters to himself, "It's going to be a long night; the Murphy twins are drunk again." Beannachtal na Fe'ile Pa'draig!

   "Being Amish & Irish, Proctor, you'll need a designated buggy-driver to get you home" ~ NPR's Art Silverman


        As Firesign Theatre says, "Forward - into the Paaaast!"

        Inspired by the Movietone Newsreels screened in movie theaters during WWII, the Marine Corps and Navy will be supplying troops with digital cameras to "shoot" at the front lines.

        The resulting footage will be edited by American Rogue Films of Santa Monica and distributed by Regal Entertainment of Colorado - the country's biggest movie chain.

        Or, as Lili Lamont sang in "Babes In Khaki over thirty-five years ago..."We're  bringing the war back home!"

 "The movie stars say they want to go to Iraq and serve as human shields...I say let them buy a one-way ticket and go."~ Ala. auditor Beth Chapman


        Former Green Beret Jim McLuckie reports that President George Bush has made an announcement that we will not attack Iraq; he's just announced that he's agreed instead to deploy 100,000 additional inspectors which will include:

        24,000 members of the 1st Infantry Division; 15,000 members of the 101st Airborne Division; 5,000 members of the 4th armored division with their  M1-A1 all terrain vehicles." Special air deliveries to aid the inspections will be made byaircraft from the USS Constellation, USS George Washington, USS Abraham Lincoln and USS Enterprise.

        The President stated: "with these additional inspectors the inspections should be completed in a few weeks." Isn't it a relief to know everything is going to be OK!

    "If we're an arrogant nation, they'll view us that way. But if we're a humble nation, they'll respect us." ~ G. W. Bush, presidential campaign, 2000


Rick Mercer on CBC-TV's "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" says --

        On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all it's not like you actually elected him.

        I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own.  I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours.

        I'm sorry we burnt down your white house during the war of 1812. I notice you've rebuilt it! It's Very Nice. I'm sorry about your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer but, we Feel your Pain.

        I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you wanna have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

        And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. We've seen what you do to countries you get upset with. Thank you.

  "Canada has promised to commit two of their largest battleships, 6000 troops and 600 fighter jets. After the exchange rate, that's one canoe, two Mounties and a flying squirrel." ~ Jack's Jokes


According to the Borowitz Report ( --

        In a stunning development, Iraqi President Saddam Hussein today offered to attack himself in exchange for $30 billion from the U.S. government.

The surprising offer came in a day when President George W. Bush exhorted America's allies to join what he called "a coalition of the willing to be bought." Speaking to a group called the Veterans of Foreign Investments, the President said, "It is time for each of our allies to look deep within and ask this question: Who wants to be a billionaire?"

        The President reminded the allies that since the Turkish legislature had turned down the U.S.'s request to base troops there for an Iraq attack, "Turkey's $30 billion in prize money remains unclaimed."

        Moments after the President's speech, French President Jacques Chirac made a surprise announcement of his own, saying that France would be willing to attack Turkey for $30 billion. "France has no argument with the people of Turkey," Mr. Chirac said. "But $30 billion is a lot of cake."

        But Mr. Chirac was soon upstaged by Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein, appearing on Iraqi national television to say, "For $30 billion, I will attack myself, and I will prevail."

        While some in NATO expressed optimism that Saddam's proposal could avert a war with Iraq, White House spokesman Ari Fleischer was openly dismissive of Saddam's offer to attack ! himself, calling it "a charade."

        "He's telling the world that he'll attack himself and he'll prevail, but once he gets our money, he'll attack himself and lose," Mr. Fleischer said. "It's just more of his double-talk."

           The name, Sadam means "one who confronts" in Arabic. ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts


WAY OUT: SpaceWander Roundtrip First Class




   "The prudent course of political action [now] is to just not say too much." ~ Neb R. Sen. Charles Hage

2003 by Phil Proctor
Published MARCH 16, 2003