Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 07
EATING AROUND THE BUSH
Our "War" President's basic training! After his stint at Lackland Air Force Base and commissioning as a second lieutenant, George Bush, Junior received what amounted to a two-month-plus vacation to Florida (while thousands were dying in Viet Nam), before heading to Georgia for a
year of flight school. During this time, Bush worked in the political campaign of Edward J. Gurney, a Republican candidate for the Senate, and a close friend of the elder Bush; he occasionally returned to Houston for weekend National Guard duty.
On November 2, 2000, Senators Bob Kerry and Daniel Inouye, both recipients of the Congressional Medal of Honor, held a news conference to try to focus media attention on charges, originally reported by the Boston Globe, that there was a one-year gap in Bush's military service. "During my service, if I missed training for two years, at the least. I would have been court-martialed. I would have been placed in prison," Senator Inouye said.
"I own more shotguns than I need. But less shotguns than I want."~ Texas Sen. Phil Gramm
MORE FEATHERLESS HAWKS!
Vice President Richard Cheney, Military Service - None
Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, Military Service - None
Attorney General John Ashcroft - Military Service - None
Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (R, IL) Military Service -None
House Majority Leader Richard K. Armey (R, TX) Military Service -None.
Senator Trent Lott (R, MI) Military Service: None Do any of the above have family or relatives serving in the military? Nope!
"We need you if you believe all you hear, and you hate people (Nurse, TV-Radio, puppets, false patriots, heroes, leaders, prophets, racists, intolerants, xenophobes, manipulators, brain washers, etc.) Call 1 800 psychl-ogy" ~ Flyer found by Peter Bergman
THAT'S JUST DUCKY
"The original 'duct' tape was a 50's military product called 'duck'
tape because it was waterproof -unusual in those days."
So writes Coburn Everbore in "More Than You Wanted To Know, I'm Sure." Later it was made by 3M for furnace and air handling ducts and renamed 'duct' tape -- but SMACNA (Sheet Metal and Air Conditioning National Association) don't recommend duct tape because it put their men out of work and preferred that all seams were sealed with metal. Put their noses out of joint...
I see. And that's why Michael Jackson has a prosthesis for his proboscis?
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."~ Sign in Albert Einstein's office
OH MEN OH WOMEN
The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome and nice men are gay. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
The handsome men without money are after our money. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are pigs.
The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money (but thank God are heterosexual), are shy, and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE -- and automatically lose interest when we take the initiative.
Conclusion: Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.
"There must be a woman, and in "Daredevil" [it's] Jennifer Garner [with whom he shares] some PG-13 sex -- which is a relief because when superheroes have sex at the R level, I'm always afraid someone will get hurt." ~ Roger Ebert
HOW DO I SAY I LOVE YOU?
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Je t'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai ****e Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar Dai
Alabama, Arkansas, Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Nebraska Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Montana, Louisiana, Virginia, W. Virginia & Kentucky . . . Nice Ass! Get in the truck.
"I like to play country music backwards so the singer ends up getting his wife, his house and his truck back." ~ "Mr. Traffic", Kenny Morse
DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL
Ivan Berger was traveling between Phoenix and Ajo when a tire blew out. Checking his spare, he found it too was flat. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, "Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," he replied.
"You a Democrat or Republican," asked the old man.
"Democrat," Ivan replied. "Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked him the same question. Again, he gave the same answer, "Democrat." The driver flipped him the bird and flew off.
He thought it over and decided to change his strategy, since this area seemed to be somewhat political and lacking Liberals.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if he was Democrat or Republican.
"Republican!", Ivan shouted.
"Hop in!", replied the blonde. Driving down the road, he couldn't help but marvel at the gorgeous woman sitting next to him, the wind blowing through her hair, with perfect breasts and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, he yelled, "Please, stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, he jumped out.
"What's the matter?", she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," he replied. "I've only been a Republican for five minutes and already, I want to screw somebody."
"Honk if you ARE Jesus"~ Bumpersticker
I SLAM ISLAM
Hafez Sayeed, the Muslim scholar who founded the Center for Islamic Teaching asserted in an L.A. Times series on Islam that "We want one system in the whole world, which, of course, is Islam; and to make Islam dominant, we must do jihad."
Well the last time I heard that line was at the Communist Youth Festival in Vianna, 1959 where the constant exhortation "Meeroo meer!" meant "Peace to the world!"
But since the word "meer" means both "world" and "peace", it also meant - "We want a piece of the world."
"On January 1, 1962, The Beatles failed an audition for a recording contract with Decca Records." ~ Phil's Phunny Phacts
THE BEAUTY PART
"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
You will find one at the end of each of your arms.
As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands;
One for helping yourself, and the other for helping others."
Poem by Audrey Hepburn asked to share her "beauty tips" and read at her funeral.
"You are not all included between your hat and boots."~ Walt Whitman
DEPT OF REDUNDANCY DEPT
Real Federal Job titles from "Take A Break"...
Associate Assistant Secretary, Assistant Assistant Secretary, Deputy Assistant Assistant Secretary, Associate Deputy Assistant Secretary, Chief of Staff to Associate Assistant Secretary, Chief of Staff to Assistant Assistant Secretary, Principal Deputy to the Deputy Assistant Secretary, Principal Assistant Deputy Under Secretary, Associate Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary...
And you wonder why the term "kleptocracy" was born?
"Americans are a broad-minded people; they'll accept the fact that a person can be an alcoholic, a dope fiend, a wife beater and even a newspaperman; but if a man doesn't drive, there's something wrong with him."~ Art Buchwald
FIRESIGN BURNS BRIGHT
A Firesign reference from of the "In Advertising" section of the NY Times by Stuart Elliott: "The bull has long been a character in Wall Street advertising, particularly the long-running Merrill Lynch campaigns, most recently from the J. Walter Thompson division of WPP, which have carried themes like 'Be bullish' and 'We're bullish on America.'
"By presenting the bear alongside the bull, Ameritrade may run the risk of developing the dilemma expressed in the title of an album by the comedy troupe Firesign Theater: 'How Can You Be in Two Places at Once When You're Not Anywhere At All?'
And here's cranky Carlin's comments from a radio interview on "The Derrick McGinty Show": "I think they're wonderful. Their albums were really landmark albums in comedy because they introduced surrealism, which is not really generally a part of comedy. Comedy generally requires a certain logical underpinning. The things they're able to do with sound in the studio and with just the shear brilliant imaginative writing, I don't think anyone will be able to equal that."
Thanks, George and tune in to "All Things Considered" on St. Patrick's day...
"Art is a moral passion married to entertainment. Moral passion without entertainment is propaganda, and entertainment without moral passion is television."~ Rita Mae Brown
In case you've had a rough day, "Miss Angel" tells us of a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts and she adds, "The funny thing is that it really works." Here we go...
Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool, mountain air. No one but you knows your secret place. You are in total seclusion from that hectic place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
The water is crystal clear. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding under the water.
"Roman Polanski won't be able to come to the Oscars because h's still wanted on charges of having sex with a 13-year-old girl. Michael Jackson said, 'A girl? That's disgusting.'"~ Conan O'Brien
THE FAT OF THE LAND
The LA Times' Roy Rivenburg recently revealed: "If your hedgehog has a potbelly, help has finally arrived. A company called Lee's Aquarium & Pet Products is marketing fitness equipment for overweight ferrets, hedgehogs and hamsters.
"Simply place the pet inside a giant Kritter Krawler exercise ball and watch it roll through your house...quickly mastering the skill of maneuvering around furniture."
And that's just one of a slew of new products from a Long Beach pet industry trade show featuring "reflective bow ties for dogs who walk at night, magnet-therapy collars for arthritic birds and 'lounge wear' for canines." Woof!
"If I ever get to be someone, I'd like to be no one." ~ Late poet Howard Mille'
COME OUT, COME OUT
Police in Germany have launched a nationwide hunt for the director of a circus who has gone on the run with one of his elephants.
The man, who has not been named, vanished when the authorities withdrew his license to keep elephants following allegations of cruelty. For almost a week the German police have been conducting the hunt without success.
"There's a big difference between Hitler and Bush. Hitler was democratically elected." ~ Stand up comic, Blaine Capatch
PETS IN BED: www.averyofoz.com
REALLY BAD TASTE: http://www.starterupsteve.com/swf/chowmein.html
“Sundance is weird! You actually have to think about [the movies] when you watch them." ~ Britney Spears