Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 04

"Does anyone else find it strange that 40 years ago we were told to duck and cover, and now we are told to duct and cover -- our windows?" -Robert Spina 


        Tune in to NPR's "All Thing's Considered" Monday, and you'll catch a newly created surreal six minutes from the good ol' Firesign Theatre. You may even learn how we do it after all these years...

        This past week we also appeared live on KCET's "Life and Times" with the eternal Jess Marlow, sandwiched between features about murders and the dismal state of the California economy.  No wonder we're still around; people need a good laugh!

        In March, you'll hear us promoting Public Radio on their fund drives as we tout "All Things Firesign" on Artemis Records and present "Nick Danger versus Public Radio Enemy Number One."

        I also sang recently (as "Howard") with Tim Curry at a session which also featured Bruce Willis who voices the dog "Spike" in the June 13th Paramount release, "Rugrats Go Wild" and worked in several interactive games.Please don't drop a bomb on my career!

 "If war is not the answer, what's the question?" - Phil Proctor


        In the interest of fairness and balance here is Osama Bin Laden's State of Un-union address as translated by Tim Blair in the Sydney Australian.

        "Mister Speaker, distinguished guests, earthworms and remains of my faithful old kidney dialysis machine. As we gather tonight, our cause lies in ruin. Yet the forces of jihad have never been stronger!

        "The Western devil, he is trembling and broken, even though a massive number of our operatives in the Middle East, Asia, and Europe have been captured or killed, Afghan women are openly attending schools...Jihad marches on.

        "For this, first I must thank Mullah Omar. Stand up, Mullah, wherever you are, and wave to the people. With your good hand! Thanks too to Richard Reid, the shoe bomber, whose plan would have worked perfectly were it not for his extreme blundering idiocy. And to my dear murderous friends in Bali who inspired us all, in your hour of need [our hearts go] out to you. Or [they] would, if a hungry bird hadn't already flown away with [them].

        "We have faced the mildest, most measured attack our enemies could throw at us, and we have been rapidly defeated at almost every turn. The Muslim people have not risen as one to join my lunatic quest, the West has not been intimidated (well, except for the French) and every prediction about a Vietnam-style quagmire in Afghanistan proved false...

        "From this we can draw strength. For is it not written in the Koran that he who is pulped by US Army ordnance and buried beneath tons of Tora Bora dirt shall not later rise up and do more cool stuff with jets and buildings? You know, I bet it is.

        "Now to the case of my amigo in goodness, Saddam Hussein. The same people who predicted drawn-out warfare in Afghanistan with many thousands of civilian dead are predicting the same thing for Iraq. This prediction, it is a curse. I fear for Saddam. All of his glorious fundraising for the families of Palestinian suicide killers and the holy slaughter of his countrymen will mean nothing if the reverse-curse of the inaccurate Western commentators again comes true.

        "And finally, to you, George W. Bush, I say this: You have won the battle and you will win the war -- while I [am] insane in life and [will be] munched upon by stray dogs in death. But at least no lunatic Western leftist ever called me stupid.

        "Jihad triumphs again!"

 "To commemorate his victory in the Gulf War, Hussein built a Mother of All Battles mosque with minarets shaped like Scud missiles. Or are they Scud missiles?" - Phil's Phunny Phacts


     Debbie Paulshus wrote that the average response to the Nigerian scams yields a jaw-dropping contribution of about $340,000.

     "There's one born every minute," she adds, "but given the exponential increase in population since Barnum's time, I'd say it's one every 6 seconds."

     We also learned this week that the universe is 13.7 billion years old, from new pictures of our mature 50-year-old slice-of-space as it looked when we were only 12 hours old!

     And Colt intoduced a .50 magnum revolver with a 15-inch barrel. Life goes on...

 "Mother of all Ironies: Germany and Russia are trying to stop us from invading a smaller country." - Gary Belkin


        France is a medium-sized country situated in the continent of Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as important as it thinks.

        France was discovered by Charlemagne, during the Dark Ages. Other important historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Jacques Cousteau, Johnny Halliday and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many years, but who is now an airport.

        France has a population of 57 million people. 52 million of these drink and smoke. The other 5 million are small children. All French people drive like lunatics and have no concept of standing patiently in a queue. The French people are in general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; those are their good points.

        In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers should be aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has been opened in recent years to make it easier for the French government to flee to London during future German invasions.

        France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's in Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors. France's principal exports, in order of importance, are wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, guns, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous armaments and cheese.     France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its 361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days, 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in triumph as if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 "France is Great and the Rest of the World is Merde" Days.

        The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.

          "War is always the sanction of failure." - French Foreign Minister de Villepin


        Never before have rams' testicles been so popular!

        Often called "Minister's Sausages" - Iceland has been hard pressed to deliver enough testicles to Denmark, Germany and Norway and many other countries and because domestic sales have also witnessed this testicle trend, the country is facing shortages on rams' genitals.

        Over eight tons were stockpiled last fall, (frozen testes-cicles?) but the trendy treats are so popular that even the kids in Iceland's playschools eat them on every possible occasion.

        Hey!  And you think you got balls?  (From

 "The poor banana hasn't had sex in 10,000 years, is sterile, subject to dire diseases, and could be extinct within a decade. Another reason not to put 'em in the refrigerator." - Phil's Phunny Phacts


ZIPLOC BAGS - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

SWISS ARMY KNIFE - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.

SHOE - male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.

COPIER - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

TIRE - male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOON - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

WEB PAGE - female, because it is always getting hit on.

SUBWAY - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

HOURGLASS - female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

HAMMER - male, because it hasn't evolved much the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

REMOTE CONTROL - female...(Ha! You thought it was male!) But consider -- it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and while they don't always know the right buttons to push, men keep on trying.

 "When people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by nature they will like the strong horse." - Osama bin Laden


According to an email from T. W. Groener, the Creative Director at Stone/Tate Advertising called a meeting during a particularly stressful week and for a lark had the staff come up with slogans for Viagra adapted from other products.

Here's the results: T"astes great! More filling! We bring good things to life! Viagra, Whaazzzzz Up! Reach out and touch someone. Be all that you can be. Like a rock! When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. The quicker pecker upper.

       And finally -- This is your penis. This is your penis on drugs. Any Questions?

 "All war is deception" - Ancient Chinese saying


        John and Mary had never met.They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. The Ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant; the young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge free ATM.

        Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 P.M. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph...It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.

        The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut...He was as lame as a duck.  Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.

        The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease... From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 PM instead of 7:30...

        Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do and McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.


 "For every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life. So at 85 you can spend another 5 months in a nursing home at $5,000 a month." -From Bob Lloyd


        My "Scroll and Key" mate, John Stewart, sent me his favorite story from Garrison Keillor: A man walks into a bar with his pet newt.

        Bartender asks, "What's his name?"

        Guy replies, "His name is Tiny."

        Barkeep says, "What an odd name; why do you call him that?'

        Guy says, "Well, he's my newt..."

 "The camera was invented in the 12th Century but film hadn't been developed yet." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

 "President's Weekend BLITZ!" - L.A. Times Home Entertainment Ad


2003 by Phil Proctor
Published FEBRUARY 16, 2003