Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 03

"I hate this part of Texas" - Graffiti seen in Wyoming by Joe Begalla 


Dear Sir / Madam / Other,

        I are GEORGE WALKER BUSH, son of the former president of the United State of Americas, George Herbert Walker Bush, and are currently serving as a President of the United State of Americas. This letter might surprise you because we have not met neither in person nor by being there in person. I am writing you in absolute confidence primarily to seek your assistafication in acquiring oil funds that am presently trapped in the Republic of Iraq.

        My partners and me solicit your assistancy in completing transaction begun by my father, who have long been engaged in the extraction of petroleum in the Untied States, and bravely serve his country as director of the Central Intelligent Agency. In the decade of the nineteen-eighty, my father, then vice-president of the United State, sought to work with good offices of the President of Republic of Emirate of Iraq to re-get lost oil revenue sources in the neighbor Emerate of Iran.

        These unsuccessful venture was soon followed by a falling-off with his Iraqi partner, who sought additional oil revenue source in the neighboring Kuwait, a whole-owned U.S.-British subsidiary. My father re-unsecured the petroleum asset of Kuwait in 1991 at the costimigation of sixty-one bajillion u.s. dollars ($61,000,000,000). Out of that cost, thirty-six bajillion dollars ($36,000,000,000) were supplied by his partners in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabian and other Persia Golf monarch butterflies, and sixteen bajillion dollar ($16,000,000,000) by German and Japanic partners.

        But my father's former Iraqi businesses partner remained in control of Iraq and its petroleums. My familys is calling for you urgent assistantfication in funding the removal of the so-called President of Irak and acquiring the petroleum assets of his country, as compenation for the costs of removing him from powers.

        Unfortunately, our partners from 1991 are not willing to shoulder the burdenicate of this new ventures, which in it upcoming phase may cost the sum of 100 bajillion to 200 bajillion dollars ($100,000,000,000 -$200,000,000,000), both in the initial acquisitionism and in long-term managementation.

        That is why my family and our colleagues are urgently seeking your graciousness assistance. Our distinguished colleaguers in this business transaction include the seated vice-president-in-hiding, Richard C Heney, who is an original partners in the Iraq venture and former heads the Halliburton oil company, and Condoleeza Rice, who professional dedications to the venture was demonstratified in the naming of a Chevron oil tanker after her.

        I would beerseech you to transfer a sums equaling ten to twenty-five percents (10-25 %) of your yearly incomes to our account to aids in this important ventured. The internal revenue service of the United State of Americas will function as our trust intermediary-ness. I pray that you overstand our plight. My family and our colleagues will be forever graceless. Please reply in strict confidencency.

    With Sincere and Warmest Regardations -- George Walker Bush

    (Adapted From Michael Dare's "Disinfotainment Today")

 "Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men." - Martin Luther King, Jr., 1963


        Planeteer Debbie Pauslhus writes that after an unspecified religious experience, Michael Braithwaite of the mountain village of Putney, Ky., converted his "Love World" shop which sold vibrators and other sex play paraphernalia, to "Mike's Place", providing Bibles and other Christian items.
        But a San Francisco government lawyer created a side business that may combine both lines as he makes and markets "high-quality, silicone dildos" in the shapes of holy figures like Moses, Satan and a nun - (Sister Stick?), for $55 to $65.
        A sex shop owner in SF's freewheeling Castro district said he might stock the 'Jackhammer Jesus', but fears that his Buddhist customers would be offended at the 'Buddha-Butta'."

From "MSNBC's News of the Weird"

 "All pop music is about sex: Rock is about wanting to do it, Jazz is about doing it, and Country and Western is about feeling guilty after you've done it." - Attribution unknown


        Firesign Rules! A recent Seattle newspaper cartoon showed a guy doing a double take after walking by a building labeled "Department Of Redundancy Department"; and being interviewed by James Lipton on Bravo's Actor's Guild, Richard Gere answered a question with -- "I think we're all bozos on this bus."

        But best of all, Rochester's Robin Reese says he ordered a Japanese import from titled "Every Wrong Thing Is Known". He imagined what other Firesign titles he might find from Tokyo like, "You All Lonely In Further World", or "When Anywhere Not Here, You Two Are Placed One Time".

        But soon, look for our first release on Artemis Records, drawn from our "All Things Considered" material on NPR. A premium edition with extra-special special extra material will also be offered during pledge times!

 "Hussein demands that all yellow flowers be removed from public places." - Phil's Phunny Phacts


        You live in the Deep South when -- You get a movie and bait in the same store.  "Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural. After fifteen years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are ya?" "He needed killin'" is a valid defense. Everyone has 2 first names.

        You live in Colorado when -- You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.  You tell your husband to pick up "Granola" on his way home, and he stops at the Day Care Center.  A pass does not involve a football or dating. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a ponytail.

        You live in the Midwest when -- You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.  (Or a buggy). You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?" When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different! "

 "Hitler disliked cold rooms, having flowers around (he hated dead things) and being touched." - L.A. Times' Kenneth Turan on "Solitary Journey" about Der Fuhrer's secretary


        My pal, photographer Rob Lewine, tells the true story of an American student who was crossing the street in Florence, Italy, when he was hit by a Fiat which ended up with one wheel resting on his foot. When the police arrived he requested that they remove the car from his arch, which they did, and then promptly arrested him for causing the accident as it appeared he'd been drinking.

        But the crowd that had gathered protested (as only Italian crowds can do) demanding that they arrest the driver; and the cops in the face of this demonstration of Democracy, (or Fascism)  said, "Bene" and hauled him away!

 "Three empty warheads also found in Washington D.C. [are] Bush, Cheney and Rumsfeld." - SF Chronicle cartoon


        Wendy Tigerman sent me these analogies and metaphors found in high school essays, so from them I composed an essay of my own:

        She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs; her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser; and her voice had that tense grating quality, like a first generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.

        He was deeply in love when she spoke -- he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever -- but she had a deep throaty genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East river; she grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef.

        His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

        "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. She was as easy as the TV Guide crossword.

 "The real issue today is about Roe vs. Caviar." - Phil's Phunny Phacts


        A painter named Jack used thinner to save money and got away with it for a long time. Eventually, he won a huge job, repainting the local church and as usual, he thinned the paint.

    He was working away when suddenly the heavens opened and a great storm blew up. The rains poured down, a mighty wind arose and suddenly Jack was knocked from his ladder by a bolt of lightning!

        As he lay dazed in a puddle, watching helplessly as his thinned coat of paint was washed from the church, a mighty voice roared --

      "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"      

      (Punish Peter and Dixie Johnson for this...)

 "Forget the toys, I'm changing to Wendy's." - Luke Peterson, 6-year-old ex-McDonald's customer

  • 10. They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
  • 9. This is just a 15-minute power nap they raved about at the time management course you sent me to.
  • 8. Whew! Guess I left the top off the whiteout. You got here just in time!
  • 7. I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.
  • 6. Just testing my keyboard for drool resistance.
  • 5. I was doing a highly specified Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Are you     discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga like the Pope?
  • 4. Why did you interrupt me? I'd almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
  • 3. The coffee machine is broken...
  • 2. Someone must have put the decaf in the wrong pot...
  • And #1...In Jesus' name we pray -- AMEN

 "The last time we listened to a Bush, we wandered in the desert for 40 years." - Phil's Phunny Phacts


        In Pocatello, Idaho a law passed in 1912 provided that a person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face. In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit; and in Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property. A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or hunting on your wedding day.

        In Ames, Iowa, a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with his wife; and a law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions or sardines. During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains; and according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law, any couple making out inside a vehicle and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail.

        On the other hand, if a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times and wait two minutes before being allowed to approach the scene. A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance, and in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a tollbooth.

        A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces; and hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean, white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts. Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their rooms with twin beds only with a minimum of two feet between the beds --and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the beds.

        In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal and in the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances (including the wedding night). In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm. Odd Bless America.

 "I am strongly in favour of using poisonous gas against uncivilized tribes." - Winston Churchill

 "We should consider ourselves as spirits having a human experience, rather than humans having an occasional spiritual experience." - anon




2003 by Phil Proctor
Published FEBRUARY 5, 2003