Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 02

"Who Would Jesus Bomb?" - Banner at D.C. Peace Rally 

 KABUL CAVE TV GUIDE

SUNDAY:

    0800 - My 33 Sons
    0830 - Osama Knows Best
    0900 - I Dream of Mohammed
    0930 - Let's Mecca Deal
    1000 - The Kabul Hillbillies

MONDAY:

    0800 - Husseinfeld
    0900 - Mad About Everything
    0930 - Monday Night Stoning
    1000 - Win Bin Laden's Money
    1030 - Allah McBeal

TUESDAY:

    0800 - Wheel of Terror
    0830 - The Price is Right if Osama Says it's Right
    0900 - Children are Forbidden to Say the Darndest Things
    0930 - Taliban's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers

WEDNESDAY:

    0800 - Beat the Press
    0830 - When Kurds Attack
    0900 - Two Guys, a Girl, and Pita Bread
    0930 - Just Shoot Everyone
    1000 - Veilwatch

 THURSDAY:

    0800 - Fatima Loves Chachi
    0830 - M*U*S*T*A*S*H
    0900 - Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils
    0930 - Married with 139 Children
    1000 - Eye for an Eye Witness News

FRIDAY:

    0800 - Spongebob Squareturban
    0830 - Who's Koran Is It Anyway?
    0900 - Teletalibans
    0930 - Camel 54, Where Are You?

SATURDAY:

    0800 - Judge Saddam
    0830 - Suddenly Sanctions
    0900 - Who Wants to Marry a Terrorist Millionaire?
    0930 - Cave and Garden Television
    1000 - No-Witness News  (Attribution unknown)


 "What did Moses say when Pharaoh put his finger in his belly button? Let my pippic go!" - El Fiendo, Yuri Rasovsky


 READ THE CARD

        A gastroenterologist claims these are actual patients' comments while undergoing colonoscopies:

        "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit -- Hey!  Now I know how a Muppet feels! Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out, you do the Hokey Pokey'... Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity. Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief? Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

        "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific! You know, in some states, we're now legally married. Could you write me a note to my wife saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"


 "Have you ever fallen out of a patient?" - Groucho Marx to a tree surgeon


 BEST OF SHOW

        Jack Angel tells me a woman gave birth and her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside and said, "I'm sorry, but there's something I must tell you about your baby."

        "What's wrong?" the alarmed mother asked.

        "Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

        "What's that?"

        "It means your baby has both male and female parts."

        "Oh my, that's wonderful!" the woman exclaimed. "You mean it has a penis, AND a brain?"


 "The Bush administration's plan to eliminate taxation of dividends...may have reminded some aging baby boomers of a classic 1970s-era comedy album by the Firesign Theatre...'Everything You Know is Wrong.'" - Tom Petruno. L.A. Times Business Section


 YOU DON'T SAY

        Humpty Dumpty says to Alice in Lewis Carroll's "Through the Looking Glass":

        When I use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean - neither more nor less. -- The question is, replies Alice, whether you can make words mean so many different things. -- The question is, retorts Humpty, which is to be master - that's all.

        The term "axis of hatred" was originally coined by Ex-White House scripter David Frum, after FDR's "day of infamy" Pearl Harbor address; his boss, Michael Gerson chose to change it to "axis of evil" (Iran, Iraq and North Korea), resulting in "a speechwriter's dream and a policy-maker's nightmare," according to ex-Clinton administration's Secretary of State, Warren Christopher.

         "You can't make a deal with evil; it's too heavy and radioactive a word," further observed "Preventive Diplomacy" head, Joseph Montville. "You can only kill it."

        The "fallout" has been, according to Maura Reynolds for the LA Times, the undermining of Iran's moderates and the provocation of North Korea's leader Kim "pygmy" Jong II towards nuclear confrontation.

        "The temptation is to be rhetorically clever," adds Montville, but that "can cause us problems later because we fail to think about the implications of the language that we use."

        No comment. My lips are sealed.


 At the time of Pearl Harbor, the top Navy command was called CINCUS (sink us), the shoulder patch of the Army's 45th Infantry was the Swastika, and Hitler's private train was named Amerika. - Phil's Phunny Phacts


 DYING TO DIET

             Jimi Hooker gives us the final word on nutrition and health: *The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

 *The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Brits or Americans.

 *The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Brits or Yanks.

 *The Italians drink huge amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer attacks than the above.

 *The Germans drink a lot of beers and suffer fewer heart attacks than, etc., etc.

        CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like -- speaking English is what kills you.


 "Food Noir" - Caterer for the Australian film, "Rabbit Proof Fence"


 WHERE AM US ANYWAY?

        You live in California when -- You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house. Someone asks you how far away something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is. You drive to your neighborhood block party. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone. You know how to eat an artichoke.

        You live in New York when -- You have never been to the Statue of Liberty. You can get into a 4-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan. You think Central Park is "nature." You've worn out a car horn. You think eye contact is an act of aggression, and you believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

        You live in Alaska when -- You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup and Tabasco. You have more than one recipe for moose. Halloween costumes fit over parkas. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter --and construction.

        You live in Florida when -- Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars. Road construction never ends. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people. You don't know how to vote.


 Woody Allen's late cinema set designer Mel Bourne always planted a copy of Robert Ludlum's "The Bourne Identity" on every set. - Phil's Phunny Phacts


 DON'T BUG ME!

        David Jolliffe, SAG VP (1997-2001) informs me that all union logos are referred to as "Bugs" and the faces of Comedy and Tragedy is SAG's "Bug". He says they tried to get that bug included in the end credits of features during the 2001 TV/Theatrical negotiations, but were squashed.

        "When we started the Performers Alliance," he writes, "our logo was a Tragedy & Tragedy face, which was to symbolize how sad we were about how our union was being run. They were later told to cease and desist but in true PA style, he says, "We just made the frowns more pronounced."


 "I'd rather be smart than be an actor." - Pinocchio


 WHERE WAS I?

     Jim Lunacek was recently diagnosed with AAADD (Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder).

     This is how it goes: "I decide to change the oil in the car, start to the garage, and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car...But first I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk.  After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trashcan is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk...

        "But first I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills...Yes, now where is the checkbook? Ooops... there's only one check left.  Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk.  I'm going to look for those checks...

        "But first I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing there?  I'll just put them away...

        "But first I need to water those plants. I head for the door and...Aaagh!  Someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants...But first I need those checks.

        "END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still not in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, flowers dying, lost my car keys; and, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

        "I realize this condition is serious.  In fact I'm going to get help... But first I need to check my e-mail..."


 A recent survey was conducted to discover why men get out of bed in the middle of the night: 5% said it was to get a glass of water; 12% said it was to go to the toilet; 83% said it was to go home. - Phil's Phony Phacts


 CAN'T BEAR IT?

        In my next life I'm going to be a bear. If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that.

        Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.      If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.

        If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

        If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling.

        He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.

                Yep...Gonna be a bear. (Thanks to Hannah Baldwin)


 Adolf Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor. - Phil's Not So Phunny Phacts


 DOESN'T HURT TO ASK

        Ed Ryba asks, "Is it my imagination, or is it that the longer this Iraq crap keeps going on, the more it sounds like the old Monty Python "Spanish Inquisition" bit?

        Every time some Bush administration insider says, "Saddam is running out of time", why do I keep hearing the cardinal saying, "You have four last chances"?


 "What does an actor need with a conscience, anyway?" - Jiminy Cricke


 "The Bloody Chamber", now playing in The Metal Shed at the Toy Factory -Zoo District promo


 CLICK HERE Department:

                THE KING SINGS BKHoliday

                SEE DOLLARS FOR YOUR CDS www.musiccdsettlement.com

                HOW CAN I THANK YOU? The Surrealist Compliment Generator

                WAR? FOR? http://www.abc.net.au/news/poll1/vote/


PLANET PROCTOR
2003 by Phil Proctor
Published JANUARY 22, 2003