Planet Proctor 2003 Volume 01

"If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it." - Murphy's Law 


        In a feature in the New York Times this Sunday, Fred Goodman wrote of Harry Shearer and two decades of "Le Show" on KCRW. Harry began writing and performing for radio in the early 70's on the Pasadena rock station KRLA as a member of the Credibility Gap, with David Lander and Michael McKean.  "It was a particularly fertile time for Los Angeles radio -" writes Goodman. "Pasadena's other rock station was home to the Firesign Theatre."

        "Compared to now, it was unbelievably free," Harry adds.

        As for comedy today, "I never understand tying your sense of humor behind your back," he asserts.  "If you're in this business, it's your job to make fun of the guy who's got the biggest collection of guns. That's the job."

 "If guns are outlawed, how can we shoot the liberals?" - Mike Gunn, (sic) Mississippi Legislator


            Public Access TV was the subject of an amusing article recently in our own L.A. Times.  Some of the shows "exposed" were "Reel Whirl II" in San Francisco where two hosts sip cognac from paper cups while watching tapes of nude chics dancing to hip-hop, while in Michigan, viewers can tune in to a guy with a penis puppet and Manhattan is host to a show featuring underwater birthings.

        Other shows on SF's Channel 29 include "Tranny Talk" for trans-genders, "The Mister Stinky Show," featuring tasteless comedy; a how-to series called "You'll Put Your Eye Out," "Bikers For Christ."

        And after 11pm, "Braniac" where a geek in a wedding dress and skeleton mask screens Japanese cartoons, the "Bug Girl Show" featuring a gal on the street screaming for women's rights, an "Obscenity-laced" (sic) dominatrix show where women covered in chocolate take calls while shaving guests' naughty bits; and last but least, "Queen Bee TV", where a lady dressed like a bumblebee buzzes on about her dolls, her mom's footwear and other personal fixations.

        On the other hand, in Israel, the release of the first Israeli/Arab porno "Yussuf and Fatima", so inflamed the Muslim minority that the female star, Amal Kashua  -- 38 and mother of 8 - was beaten nearly to death by a mob and then disowned by her family while her co-stud, a Palestinian known only as Amir, was also almost lynched.

        "I didn't want to insult Islam, " said Amal in hospital, "I just wanted to make some money."

 "CLONE JESUS" - Graffitti on L.A. dumpster


 The following are "Helpful Hints" I adopted from handy Ed Ryba:

  • Choking on an ice cube? Don't panic! Simply pour boiling water down your throat and the blockage is instantly removed.
  • Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop.
  • No Date? Use an aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps for an inexpensive vibrator.
  • Date not tickled? Who needs expensive 'ribbed' condoms! Pull out an ordinary one and insert a handful of frozen peas before slippimg it on.
  • Bored by fish? Putting some gin in your goldfish bowl makes their eyes bulge and they'll  swim around in a most amusing manner.
  • Need a lift? Avoid arguments about the toilet seat by pissing in the sink.
  • High blood pressure? Cut yourself, bleed a bit, and watch it drop as you drip.
  • *Bad cough? Take a hefty dose of laxatives. You'll be afraid to cough.

 "Speak Your Peace! Saddam Didn't Steal My 401(K)! Iraq Never Closed My Health Clinic!" - Some L.A. Peace Rally signs


                From Brad Schreiber's "Development Hell"

      BLOATED BUDGET AWARDS: Affectionately known as the "Budgies," these honors are reserved for studio films which have cost the most and accomplished the least, including nominations for Most Grossly Overpaid Stars, Largest Number of Unneeded Producers, Most Writers Hired and Fired and Most Excessive Use of Computer Generated Imagery Replacing Interesting Story and Character.

      UNSOUND-TRACK AWARDS: Given to films which have the most wall-to-wall music throughout, without letting any actual real emotion come from the film itself. Other honors include Most Different Artists Jammed into a Soundtrack for Marketing Purposes and Most Inappropriate Music for Action Onscreen.

      WORST FILM-AWARDS AWARDS: Reserved for the film awards which feature the Longest Speech, Most Self-Serving Speech, Cheesiest Hosts, Biggest Technical Problems, Most Garish Clothing and Most Winners Who Can't Afford the Time to Actually Show Up.

     SNACK AWARDS: The "Munchies" are presented to exhibitors across the country in such categories as Most Creative Synthetic Butter Substitute for Popcorn, Largest Ice-to-Soft-Drink Ratio and Biggest Markup for a Normally Inexpensive Candy.

 "There's nothing more spiritual than a hamburger!" - Ernest Holmes, Science of Mind


        New products I ran across at our local drugstore include "Diet Lite Candles" which claim that you can just "burn away your appetite" since the particular odor stimulates your "satiety center" and relays "" to your tummy.

        I was also attracted to Cold-Eze Bubble Gum, but feared that popping one close to my mate might infect her.

        Writer Joe Bevilacqua learned from CNN that a cafe  is selling a "Trent Lotte" -- milk and coffee in their own mugs in separate but equal portions, but for those popular possum fur nipple warmers, do not pass go, but go directly to

        And in the winter edition of the Gorilla Foundation's "Gorilla Talk", Scott Joaquim suggests that if you need help with your gift choices next year, ask Koko. Last Xmas, from a gourmet food catalogue, Koko pointed to a picture and signed, "That apple." When asked whom it should go to, she replied "Gorillas" and pointing to a picture of nuts, said "Gorillas love that."

        Then, indicating some tree-shaped jam-filled cookies, she added --"Do that! Hurry!"

 Only 345 days left til Christmas...

 The IATSE logo you see in every film's end credits is called "The Bug." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

 HEE, HEE, IT'S 2003

        Steven Alan Green reminds us that 2003 will be the 40th anniversary of the whacking of Kennedy and offers this new conspiracy theory:

        JFK's campaign song, "High Hopes", written by Sammy Kahn and Jimmy Van Heuson and sung by Frank Sinatra was the theme song from the 1959 Frank Capra film "A Hole in the Head."  Coincidence? He don't think so...

        Nick Schultz, editor of the web site suggests that this year all outdated phone booths, made redundant by the ubiquitous use if cell phones, should be converted to Smoking Stations, or "sanctuaries" to limit the dangers of second-hand smoke in public places.

        Likewise, it seems that our imminent war will provide an opportunity for the more rapid development of civilian fuel cell vehicles, as GM and the Army are collaborating to replace diesel-electric battlefield trucks with a heavy-duty stealth-capable hybrid.

        "70 percent of the tonnage...we carry [into] war is fuel," states GM exec Dennis Wend and these machines would also eliminate the need to tow diesel generators into battle. Who says war ain't good for the economy?

 "The most perfect political community is one in which the middle class is in control..." - Aristotle, 2,325 years ago


(To the tune of "If You're Happy And You Know It, Clap Your Hands.")

    If we cannot find Osama, bomb Iraq.
    If the markets hurt your Mama, bomb Iraq.
    If the terrorists are Saudi, and the bank takes back your Audi,
    And the TV shows are bawdy -- Bomb Iraq.

    If the corporate scandals growin', bomb Iraq,
    And your ties to them are showin', bomb Iraq.
    If the smoking gun ain't smokin', we don't care
    And we're not jokin',
    Ol' Saddam will soon be croakin' - Bomb Iraq.

    Even if we have no allies, bomb Iraq,
    From the sand dunes to the valleys, bomb Iraq.
    So to hell with the inspections; let's look tough for the elections,
    Close your mind and take directions -- Bomb Iraq.

    So here's one for dear old daddy, bomb Iraq,
    From his favorite little laddy, bomb Iraq.
    Saying "no" would look like treason,
    It's the Hussein hunting season!
    Even if we have no reason -- Bomb Iraq.

    While the globe is slowly warming, bomb Iraq.
     Yay! the clouds of war are storming, bomb Iraq.
    If the ozone hole is growing,
    Some things we prefer not knowing,
    (Though our ignorance is showing), Bomb Iraq. 

- Barbara Geist Harms

 "Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence." - Secretary Of Defense Donald Rumsfeld


A Montana man who legally changed his name to "Jack Ass" is suing MTV over the "Jackass" show's plagiarization and defamation of his moniker, a change made to better promote "Andi Ass", a character he'd created to crusade against adrunk drivers, one of whom killed his brother, Bob.

But you can also call him "Bozo", he said recently when interviewed in his "Jack Shack" in Hot Springs by Michael Rosenwald for the New Yorker. "It's only a small lateral step sideways from Bozo to Jack Ass."

One of the creators of the "Jackass" brand, Johnny Knoxville, who's real name is P.J. Clapp, says, "I can't wait to get served the papers. What could be more American than just suing the living shit out of someone for no reason at all?"

 In 1959, the gas company sponsoring Playhouse 90's "Judgement at Nuremburg" demanded that the word "gas" be deleted from the script. - Phil's Phunny Phacts


A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a songbird. As she's looking around she hears this bird singing beautifully and as if in a trance she follows the sound of the song. There in the cage is this cheerful songbird happily singing her little heart out. A sign reads, "One-thousand dollars for the pair."

 She looked deeper into the cage and way in the back she saw this other haggard bird with it's head down, and he was shaking his head left to right.The clerk came over and the woman said, "How much for just the songbird?"

The clerk said, "I'm sorry, you'll have to buy the pair."

The woman said,"But that other bird is so haggard and looks so depressed and he's hanging his head and shaking it back and forth, and this bird is so happy and singing so beautifully. Why do I have to buy that other bird?"

And the clerk said, "Because he's the arranger." (Bob Joles)

 An admirer of Russian President Putin has taught his dog to bark "Vova", the diminutive of "Vladimir". - Phil's Phunny Phacts


    For actor and fellow voice-over artist, Royce Applegate, who perished in an apartment fire on Hollyridge Drive, but will be seen soon in "Gods and Generals."

    For cinematographer Conrad L. Hall, of whom "Road to Perdition" producer Richard Zanuck said "You could virtually take every frame of his work...and hang it over your fireplace.  It was like Rembrandt at work."

    For writer Jean Kerr, married to critic Walter Kerr, of whose advice about her works she quipped, "Does the grass appreciate the lawn mower?"

For "Scream Queen" Peggy Moran, who married film  director, Harry Koster, who promised to put her in every movie he made from then on, and he did -- although it was only a bust of her head he had made.

    And finally for radio/TV writer Charlie Isaacs who groused that comedy writers hardly ever got credit for their contributions, so once, at a hotel meeting with Jimmy Durante, a maid came in and Durante said, Hilda, this is Charlie and that's Jackie. These are the boys that write my material. See?  I give you credit."

 "The wonder of living, the wonder of dying. The wind, towns and flowers - we all dance together." - Lyrics of "Always With Me", from the anime' "Spirited Away"

  "Why do the hate us? Because we preach one thing and do another." - Congresswoman Diane E. Watson

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2003 by Phil Proctor
Published JANUARY 15, 2003