Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 28

 XMAS FOR YOUR EYES ONLY

        The President has authorized the Department of Defense to assist Santa with the Twelve Days of Christmas.  Status of acquisitions follows:

        Day 1- Partridge in a pear tree: Since the partridge is a bird, the Air Force believes it should have the lead. The Army, however, feels trees are part of the land component command's area of responsibility. After 3 months of discussion and repeated OpsDeps tank sessions, a $1M study has been commissioned to decide who should lead this joint program.

        Day 2 - Two turtledoves: Since doves are birds, the Air Force claims responsibility. However, turtles are amphibious, so the Navy-Marine Corps team feels it should take the lead.  Initial studies have shown that turtles and doves may have interoperability problems. Terms of reference are being coordinated for a four-year, $10M DARPA study.

        Day 3 - Three French Hens:  At State Department instigation, the Senate Committee on Foreign Affairs has blocked off-shore purchase of hens, from the French or anyone else.  A $6M program is being developed to find an acceptable domestic alternative.

        Day 4 - Four Calling Birds:  Source selection has been completed, with the contract awarded to AT&T.  However, the award is being challenged by a small disadvantaged business.

        Day 5 - Five Golden Rings: No available rings meet MILSPEC for gold plating. A three-year, $5M accelerated development program has been initiated.

        Day 6 - Six Geese a-Laying: The six geese have been acquired. However,the shells of their eggs seem to be very fragile. It might have been a mistake to build thefacility on a nuclear waste dump at former AF base closed under BRAC.

        Day 7 - Seven Swans a-Swimming: Fourteen swans have been killed trying to get through the Navy SEAL training program.  Presently reviewing training procedures to determine why the washout rate is so high.

        Day 8 - Eight Maids a-Milking: The entire class of maids-a-milking training program at Aberdeen is involved in a sexual harassment suit against the Army. The program has been put on hold pending resolution of the lawsuit.

        Day 9 - Nine Ladies Dancing: Recruitment of the ladies dancing has been halted by a lawsuit from the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell Association." Members claim they  have a right to dance and wear women's clothing as long as they're off duty.

        Day 10 - Ten Lords a-Leaping:  The ten lords have been abducted by terrorists. Congress has approved $2M in funding to conduct a rescue operation.  Army        Special Forces and a USMC MEU(SOC) are conducting a "NEO-off" competition   for the right to rescue.

        Day 11 - Eleven Pipers Piping: The pipe contractor delivered the pipes on time, however, he thought DoD wanted smoking pipes.  DoD lost the claim due to defective specifications.  A $22M dollar retrofit program is in process to bring the pipes into spec.

        Day 12 - Twelve Drummers Drumming: Due to cutbacks only six billets are available for drumming drummers. DoD is in the process of coordinating an RFP to obtain the six additional drummers by outsourcing; however, funds will not be available until FY 05.

        NOTE: As a result of the above-mentioned programmatic delays, and due to a high OPTEMPO that requires diversion of modernization funds to support current readiness, Christmas is hereby postponed until further notice.

 "If you want to understand Hitler, you have to understand that he was an artist first," - Albert Speer quoted in an article about the upcoming film, "Max"

 STILL CRAZEE

        From the cyberbag, Dorothy Pace writes from Manhattan "The Crazy Xmas one brought to mind my days working with kids with learning problems. One little girl who had some serious reversal tendencies told me before Christmas that she wanted to recite The Night Before Christmas for me.

        "Her best line was 'and the children were hung by the stockings with care.'  (We have snow which I would be happy to send you if I knew how.)"

        And two additions to the Drivers' ID piece, "West Texas: One hand on wheel, one hand waving to oncoming traffic." - Clarence Chan.And from Andy Seiler, "New Orleans: One butt, two boobs and a beer can out the window."

        Larry Belling found this under "Customer's Advice" on Amazon.com -1 person recommended "Sodomy and the Pirate Tradition: English Sea Rovers in the Seventeenth-Century Caribbean" instead of "The Best of David Hasselhoff".

        And Lacy David says that if I wanted to learn Yiddish and was a little nuts, (sic) they'd say I was  a "Ferkoctor Proctor."

        We're off to Pigeon's Forge, Tennesee, near Dollywood for Christmas.  Am I ferkokter?

 "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain." - Dolly Parton

 EXCUSE OLD DR. SEUSS

(Author unknown, from Sam Dawson)
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw --
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell --
My mood is bad, can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last --
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

"The one thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others." -Phil's Phunny Facts

 DIRECT MALE

        Several women asked actor/writer Allan Shearman for an explanation of Marketing, so he sent out the following un-credited analogies:
        You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
        You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
        You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
        You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, "May I?" and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
        You're at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
        You're at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend. That's a Sales Rep. Your friend can't satisfy him so he calls you. That's Tech Support.
        You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!" That's Spam.

 "Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." - Poet Robert Frost

 YOUR CHANUKKAH BUSHED

     President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks "How come the Jews know everything before we do?" The CIA chief says, "Well, sir, the Jews have an expression, 'Vus tutzuch', which means "What's happening?" They just ask each other this and they find out everything that's going on."
      Bush, impressed, decides to go undercover to determine if his is true, so he dresses up as an Orthodox Jew, black hat,  beard,  payis et al, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New  York, picked up in an unmarked car, and dropped off in Brooklyn's most Jewish neighborhood.
     Soon a little old man comes shuffling along, so the president stops him and whispers, "'Vus tutzuch?"
     The old guy whispers back, "Bush is in Brooklyn!"

 "No American son or daughter should ever again be sent abroad to die for oil." - Sen. John Kerry in the New Yorker

 HAVE A HAPPY MERRY      

        Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral, winter holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice a religion at all; plus...
        A fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year 2003, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed color, religious, or sexual preferences of the wishers.
        *Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal.  It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress to those not caught up in the holiday spirit. (Thanks to missangel)

 "Before I speak, I have something important to say." - Groucho Marx

 $ICK $AG $IT

        Attention Fellow Sag-Sters: Have you received the quarterly BILL for the new SAG health insurance program yet? If you haven't, call the Plan office, because you'll LOSE your insurance if you don't pay up by 1/1/03! Call 818.954-9400  or 800.777-4013.

 "Although all actors go to great pains to regulate their expressions, their voices and their physical movements, it is undeniable that there are extremely few it's tolerable to watch and hear for any length." - Cicero

 SOCIALIZED MEDICINE

        An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
        "Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50 and the next thing I knew I was back here."
        "That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"
        "Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price, and the Canadian was still standing in line."

 "Canadians are generally indistinguishable from Americans and the surest way of telling the two apart is to say this to a Canadian" - Richard Starnes

SURF'S UP

KRISTIN ON TV:

http://www.americanexpress.digisle.tv/spot17/index.html
BLAME BERGMAN: http://www.whoohoo.net/operababy/operababy.swf
A $INFUL OFFER: http://www.ticket2heaven.com/

 "I would direct myself, and it's interesting because I would very seldom take my own direction" - Director Dan Sullivan

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2002 by Phil Proctor
Published DECEMBER 20, 2002