Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 27

 "Tomorrow is a new day; begin it well and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense." - Ralph Waldo Emerson


        In response to my comment that maybe Firesign Theatre will get recognized some day and get honorary degrees so I might become "Doctor Proctor" before I die." Ken D suggests that I could "just move to Egypt and become a Cairo-Proctor (no degree needed)." And Tim Moore says he saw a "Proctorogist" when he was in Tokyo...

        Then actor Peter Johnson writes: "The time-travel thing popped up on the site with replies like: 'What the hell would you use a 52-350a for? They're unreliable -- upgrade to a x52-470b . . .', etc. etc.

        And speaking of the future...(or were we speaking of furniture?), the quote from the 1949 Popular Mechanics predicting that computers in the future "may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1.5 tons" prompted school pal Ivan Berger to add that "From 1972 to late '76 I was Electronics and Photography Editor of Popular Mechanics. When they fired me the editor said 'You know, a lot of people around here think you're nuts,the way you write as if someday we'll have home computers.'

        "I already had a home computer by then (an Altair, which is now in the Smithsonian). Within 18 months or so, the Apple II, Radio Shack TRS-80, and Commodore Pet were on the market."  Ivan!  Help the time-traveler!

        And actor Paul Willson alerted me that an independent film he's in called "the Beat" will be shown at the 2003 Sundance festival. Melinda, by the way. was just cast as a metropolitan Police Captian in another indie called "Halfway Decent," starring Brett Butler and Ernie Hudson.

        Finally, comedian/producer Steven Alan Green wrote: "You may have read that Jerry Lewis collapsed backstage at the London Palladium in September. He's fine now.  Well, that was at the show I produce, 'High On Laughter'. Jerry, as you can imagine, was a real hand-full. In any case, after he got back on his feet and left the theatre, I remarked to my stage producer, 'I nearly reunited Martin and Lewis!'

  "This, by the way, exactly 50 years after Martin and Lewis first took stage at the Palladium."

 "Everybody knows that the Fox News Channel is merely a wing of the Republican Party, and its viewers use it the same way a drunk uses a lamp post -- for support, not illumination." - James Carville, Crossfire, 11/21/02


        Fidel Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars are legal but President Chelsea Clinton has banned smoking....Congressman Gary Condit still missing...Senator Strom Thurmond is dead but continues to filibuster. Last Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the U.S. Territory of the Middle East (formerly Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)...Hunt continues for Osama bin Laden; believed sighted at Arafat's tomb in Detroit...White House demands Saddam Hussein's resignation for 748th time. .Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants:Average height of NBA players now 9' 7"...Thirty-five year study proclaims diet and exercise is the key to weight loss...Baby conceived naturally, scientists stumped. .Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock...Ozone created by hybrid cars kills thousands...Colorado motorist arrested for NOT driving SUV....New California law requires all nail clippers, screwdrivers and baseball bats be registered in 2036...Authentic year 2000 Florida "chad" sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million. Oprah Winfrey, nearing retirement, buys Illinois...Texas executes last remaining citizen. Brought to you by the ultra-hipsters at

 "Did you ever wonder why you never see the headline: 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?" - Phil's Phunny Phacts


        The Broadcast Advertising Clearance Center, a British watchdog group, has banned a commercial that pokes fun at President Bush. In the offending ad, Bush is shown opening a copy of a video, saying "My favorite -- just pop it in the video player." He then sticks it into a toaster and burns it. The ad promotes a video and DVD of highlights from "2DTV," an animated series that mocks politicians and celebrities. The ad could only be shown, the group said, if the makers sought the president's permission, but producer Giles Pilbrow said requiring satirists to seek permission from their targets was "an idiotic request" that would mean asking Osama bin Laden or Saddam Hussein if it was all right to caricature them. "I doubt we could get Bin Laden's permission -- he's a bit tricky to track down at the moment," he added.

 "If you can't spell nuclear war, you shouldn't start one." - Phil's Phunny Phacts


     Rob Riddle writes that for those who thought the hardest part of Physics 101 was the constant conversion from feet and inches to the metric system with all its Newtons, Joules, and Watts, here are some modern versions:

        Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
        2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
        1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
        Time twixt slipping on a peel and smacking pavement = 1 bananosecond
        Weight an evangelist carries with God =1 billigram
        Time to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong
        365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
        6.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
        Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
        1000 pains =1 kilohurtz
        Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
        Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
        454 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
        1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
        1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
        2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
        10 cards = 1 decacards
        1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
        1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
        1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
        10 rations = 1 decoration
        100 rations =1 C-ration
        2 monograms = 1 diagram
        8 nickels = 2 paradigms
        2.4 miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale Hospital = 1  I.V. League
        and...100 Senators = Not 1 decision

 "I'd rather be smart than be an actor" - Disney's "Pinocchio"


        Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

        Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Queens Disoriented Are

        Dementia: I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

        Narcissistic: Hark the Herald Angels Sing -- About Me

        Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and

Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and... Paranoid: Santa Claus is Coming -- to Get Me Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, Maybe    I'll Tell You Why... Obsessive Compulsive Disorder: Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,    Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells...

 "The camera was invented in the 11th century, but film hadn't been developed yet." - Phil's Phunny Phacts.


        Teaching Math over the years has changed... *1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit? *1960:  A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.  What is his profit? *1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money.  The cardinality of set "M" is 100.  Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits? *1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.  Your assignment: Underline the number 20. *1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.  What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?  There are no wrong answers. *2000: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60? *2010: ?El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de production es?

 "There is an ad for Bail Bond Franchises in the latest edition of Entrepreneur Magazine," - From John Scialli


        The Washington Post's annual Style Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter and supplying a new definition. Here are some selected winners from Planeteer T. Moore: *Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your         money to start with. *Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly. *Foreploy: Misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid. *Giraffiti: Vandalism spraypainted very, very high. *Sarchasm: Gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and those who doen't get it. *Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late. *Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. *Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. *Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right?        And then, like, the Earth explodes, and it's like, a serious bummer, man. *Glibido: All talk and no action. *Dopeler effect: Tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly. *And, Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 "If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?" -Phil's Phunny Phacts


     Element Name: Woman. Symbol: Wo Atomic Weight: Don't even go there! Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well. Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone.A ble to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income-reducing agent known. Caution!! Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

Element Name: Man. Symbol: Xy Atomic Weight: 180 (+ or - 50) Physical Properties Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Hard to find pure sample. Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself.Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element: child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol. Usage:  Good methane source; able to produce large quantities on command. Caution!! In the absence of Wo, rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

 "There is no such thing as an omen.Destiny does not send us heralds. She is too wise or to cruel for that." - Oscar Wilde


        You can hear me tonight announcing "Dear Santa" on ABC-TV at 9pm; and Melinda and I will be performing in Thorton Wilder's short play, "The Long Christmas Dinner" at the Antaeus Studio at 7 and 9pm,  December 15th and 16th. Tickets are $25 apiece with one child free, others $10 per. Let me know if you're interested in attending and eating and singing with us afterwards. Plus Door Prizes!!! has just released new material from Jonathan Winters and The Firesign Theatre, with additional out-of-print gems previously found only by digging through used vinyl bins. _comedy_album_makes_a_comeback+.shtml And FST can still be heard now and then on "All Things Considered"!

 "The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." - Phil's Phunny Phacts


        A medieval Austrian church fresco featuring Mickey Mouse from Brian Westley:

        You don't need Spielberg to be TAKEN on this ride:

2002 by Phil Proctor
Published DECEMBER 5, 2002