Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 26

"The Great American Musical - 'SNOWBOAT' - now at the Little Theater of Manchester" - Hartford Courant ad (actually for "Showboat") 


        Thanks to all of you who responded sympathetically to my Italian vacation digital disaster, but - good news!  Thanks to a suggestion from my pal, Charles Moed, I sent the damaged memory chip to a company called "Drivesavers" in Novato, CA, and can now report that almost every image was restored.

        If you need their help, contact

        Now thanks to another pal, artist/producer Andy Thomas, I am learning how to make a slide show and print pictures...skidding on the learning curve...

 "Brother Bobby's Deep-Fried Snickers Bar" and "Elvis's Fried Potato Sandwich" - Presley's favorite recipes from L.A. Times magazine section


        Princeton University psychologist Bartley Hoebel has demonstrated that given the chance, lab rats will gorge on sugar and suffer withdrawal symptoms when deprived of the treat, suffering from cravings for weeks and weeks.

        Firesign Theatre reported the same on our early 70's single "Station Break", but no one gave us a Nobel nod!

        Now you can get  "The Sugar Addict's Total Recovery Program" book by former sweet abuser, Kathleen DesMaisons or track studies by Drewnowski in the 80s comparing sugar cravings to heroin or cocaine.

        It appears that it is a combination of "high-energy foods" combined with "hefty calories" to produce the now well-documented "sugar high." Oh, well.  Maybe we'll get recognized some day and get honorary degrees. I'd love to become "Doctor Proctor" before I die.

         In the meantime, we are apparently on a nominating list once again for Best Comedy Album on the latest Grammy ballot; this time for "Radio Now Live" in two categories: 17 (Field 17) "Spoken Comedy Album" and 87 (Field 23) "Engineered Album (NON-Classical).  Our competition? Just 31 others -light weights all!

        According to Wayne Newitt, who recorded, remixed and produced this Alladin Theater performance at Portland, Oregon  in 1999, they include Robin Williams, George Carlin (twice), Dennis Miller, Al Franken, Louie Anderson, Rita Rudner, Judy Tenuta, Jimmy Fallon & John Leguizamo.

        If you received the ballot," adds Wayne, "be sure to vote accordingly." Carlin could use another Grammy to balance out his mantelpiece...

 "Ah, good taste!  What a dreadful thing! Taste is the enemy of creativeness." - Pablo Picasso


        In "The Natural History of the Rich: A Field Guide," recently featured by Mary McNamara in the L.A. Times, author Richard Coniff observes that "Hollywood is the most nakedly vicious group of rich people I have ever seen...

        "L.A. is like the Serengeti," he continues, "You can sit and watch the wildebeests running by and the lions just sitting there picking them off...N.Y., on the other hand, is like the rain forest - they're doing it high up in the canopy where no one can see them." Or, as I've often said, "Hollywood is the only place where you can get stabbed in the front."

        His previous books include "Spineless Wonders: Tales from the Invertebrate World," and "Every Creeping Thing: True Tales of faintly Repulsive Wildlife."

 "The anticipation of a funny event...appears to trigger profound [stress-reducing] physiological changes in the body." - UC Irvine Researcher, Lee Berk


        On this Thanksgiving Holiday, Melinda Rose reminded me through the eyes of children, that it is also a religious observation...
        "Would you like to say the blessing?" asked a mother of her six-year-old daughter. "I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
        "Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
        Another mom noticed her young boys arguing over who would get dessert first, and seeing the chance for a moral lesson said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first piece of shortcake, I can wait.'"
        Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
        "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" asked another parent. "Because people are sleeping," replied her daughter.
        "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."
        And finally - the revised Lord's Prayer:
        "Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name...Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some E-mail...And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

 "A recent commercial asked 'What do women want most?' to which our 5-year-old son, Luke, answered, 'To get their own way.'" - Art Peterson & Linda Pountney


        It's no secret to my regular readers that I fear that our President's policy on war with Iraq could be summarized by saying that "Ignorance is Blitz", but I was moved by the observations of the London Daily Mirror's Tony Parsons.

        "One year ago, the world witnessed a unique kind of broadcasting --- the mass murder of thousands, live on television. As a lesson in the pitiless cruelty of the human race, September 11, it was up there with Pol Pot's Mountain of skulls in Cambodia, or the skeletal bodies stacked like garbage  in the Nazi concentration camps.

        "An unspeakable act so cruel, so calculated and so utterly merciless that surely the world could agree on one thing -- nobody deserves this fate. Surely there could be consensus: the victims were truly innocent, the perpetrators truly evil.

        "But to the world's eternal shame, 9/11 is increasingly seen as America's comeuppance...It turns my stomach...A little over half a century ago, around half a million Americans died for our freedoms, as well as their own. Have we forgotten so soon? Exactly a year ago, thousands of ordinary men, women and children -- not just Americans, but from dozens of countries were butchered by a small group of religious fanatics. Are we so quick to betray them?

        "The truth is that America has behaved with enormous restraint since September 11...AMERICA could have turned a large chunk of the world into a parking lot. That it didn't is a sign of strength...The campaign in Afghanistan may have been less than perfect and the planned war on Iraq may be misconceived. But don't blame America for not bringing peace and light to these wretched countries.

        "How many democracies are there in the Middle East, or in the Muslim world? You can count them on the fingers of one hand -- assuming you haven't had any chopped off for minor shoplifting.

        "Above all, America is hated because it is what every country wants to be -- rich, free, strong, open, and optimistic. Not ground down by the past, or religion, or some caste system...

        "Remember, remember, September 11. One of the greatest atrocities in human history was committed against America. No, do more than remember --- NEVER FORGET!!!!!"

 "The [snipers'] blue 1990 Chevrolet Caprice was purchased for $250 at 'Sure Shot Auto' in Trenton, New Jersey." - CNN website, from Steven Alan Green

  • One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: CHICAGO.
  • One hand on wheel, middle finger out window: NEW YORK.
  • One hand on wheel, middle finger out window, weaving thru traffic: NEW JERSEY.
  • One hand on wheel, one hand with newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun in lap: LOS ANGELES.
  • Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: OHIO, (but driving in CALIFORNIA.)
  • Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: ITALY.
  • One hand on 12oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: SEATTLE.
  • One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window: TEXAS.
  • Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: OKLAHOMA.
  • Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: FLORIDA.
  • One hand on the wheel, the other on his sister: ARKANSAS. (Ivan's Jokes)

 "Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 19,999 vacuum tubes and weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes and perhaps only weigh 1.5 tons." - Popular Mechanics, 1949, from Bob Joles


        The top ten Thanksgiving pickup lines for you turkeys...

        10. "Are those breasts real?"
        9. "Wanna go back to my place and get sauced?"
        8. "Have you lost weight or did they just start carving you already?"
        7. "Fancy a pluck?"
        6. "I did my share of flocking around when I was younger, but now it's time to settle down, not lose my
        head, and find a hen who wants me for more than my pecker."
        5. "It takes me four and a half hours to really get cookin'.'"
        4. "Aren't you tired of being cooped up here?"
        3. "Hey baby, wanna help me get the juice out of my baster?"
        2. "PLEEEAAASSSEEE!! I'm honestly gonna die Thursday!"

                And the number one turkey pick up line is...

        1. "Is that your pop-up timer, or are you just happy to see me?"

 "Love and hunger rule the world." - Russian Saying in "The Compass Rose", Anya Zontova @


        Steve Grace sent me a questionnaire about "first times" and you can read my "really fascinating answers" (thanks, Steve) at
        My wife, Melinda Peterson, was honored to be part of the Directors Guild Student Film Awards, appearing as a social worker in the funny "Barrier Device" directed by prize-winner Grace Lee; and my daughter, Kristin can be seen in a national TV spot for American Express in which she gets to speak a little French!
        I'll be the announcer for "Dear Santa", starring Joe Piscapo, Wednesday, December 5 on ABC primetime. It's produced by "Big Brother 3's"Arnold Shapiro, so it's the real thing!
        And you can catch the next Firesign Theatre Holiday bit between bites on NPR's "All Things Considered", this Thanksgiving Day!

 "Acting is half shame, half glory; shame at exhibiting yourself, glory when you can forget yourself." - Sir John Gielgud


        I will receive this email tomorrow and passed it along to the Planeteers, knowing that several of you have already responded...

        "Hello, if you are a Time Traveler, I am going to need the following:

        1. A modified mind warping Dimensional Warp Generator # 52 4350a series wristwatch with memory adapter.

        2. Reliable carbon based, or silicon based time-transducing capacitor.

Please only reply if you are reliable, to"

 "Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for week. " - Phil's Phunny Phacts

2002 by Phil Proctor
Published NOVEMBER 25, 2002