Planet Proctor 2002

Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 24

"The human race consists of the dangerously insane and those who are not." - Mark Twain

WHY THEY CALL IT "THE BIZ"

I've been very busy for the last three weeks, not just working, but preparing to work (and play) in Europe. So, after a weekend in the Fens with our pals the Whites, Melinda and I train to London for two days for more socializing and to be read by Susie the Psychic, a renowned seer who just completed a TV run produced by hubby, Chris Barr, and who writes a column for the Daily Mail. If Susie says it's ok, we then jet to Dublin and straight into rehearsals and promotional appearances where Melinda will portray Coleen, a famous American romance writer and I her hen-pecked husband, ex-talk show host, stuttering Herbert, in "The Ghost Behind the Black Door", a half-hour comic chiller for award-winning Roger Gregg's "Crazy Dog Live" series on RTE' Radio 1, National Irish Radio. Visit crazydoglive@rte.ie for more, if you think you can take it! The show will be performed with live audience participation (one of Roger's trademarks) on Saturday morning, October 12th at 11:02am (sic) and will be available on line from the RTE archive the week following on http://www.radio1.ie Then it's off to Tuscany with our friends Phyllis and Rob for rest, recreation and Italian and eating lessons. We leave on Friday and return on the 23rd. HOLD THE EMAIL, please!!! We're off line and under the radar!

"In Italy, many men over 60 are having chemically assisted sex. They call it 'La dolce Viagra.'" - Newsweek

EAT OR BE EATEN

When America was being settled, a group of people headed west in a wagon train. Their inexperienced leader soon became lost. They were getting desperate when they came over a hill and saw an old Jewish gentleman beneath a tree. The leader rushed to the old man and said, "We're lost and running out of food. Can you help us?"
The old man said, "Mister, all I know is dis; if you go up dat there hill and down other side, I guarantee de'll be a big bacon tree."
"A bacon tree?" asked the wagon tree leader.
"Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie."
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge, so the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who manages to escape back to the old man, who's enjoying a "glassel tea."
The near-dead man starts shouting. "You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We were attacked by hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone."
The old gentleman holds up his hand and says "Oy, vait a minute." He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. "Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush!" luandir

"The Cheese should feel quite solid and straight...trying to create some kind of order between the sadistic schizoid Bacon and the Snack Cake." - Ad copy notes

WHILE I WAS AWAY...

All Hell was breaking loose. The mayor of Le Lavandou on the French Cote d'Azur banned his fellow citizens from dying. The existing cemetery was full and the mayor wasn't granted permission to establish a new one.
The London Times reported that 'A young girl, who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth, was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast-guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common these days."' Argentinians, fed up with corrupt and inept politicians who've led their country to the brink of bankruptcy (sound familiar?) are backing a bill which would require all candidates for public office to take mental exams. They should call it "The Papoon Proposal", since Firesign theatre came up with the idea in the 70's! NOT INSANE! Mice have been able to grow bigger brains with the simple addition of a single gene, according to Dr. Chris Walsh at Harvard Medical School who added, "I know the most interesting question was whether they learned to play Mozart, but we don't know." Shades of "Pinky and The Brain"? Scientists found the oldest known penis on a 100 million-year-old microscopic crustacean,fossilized "in flagrante", getting up for his "big" moment. He was really stoned. On the first anniversary of the terrorist attacks, on 9/11, the evening numbers drawn In the New York Lottery were 9-1-1. But if you OWE money, you'll pay, and how, if Dr. Diablo shows up at your office, home or church, in a flamed SUV, siren shrieking, with sexy sirens in skintight costumes and a vicious dog. If you need his services, click here:

"I live in Mexico, so I don't do anything and I don't start that til noon." - Jerry Van Dyke

DRIVE, HE SAID

Keith Mast says that three men met at a party, and it wasn't long until the conversation got around to their work and what kind of cars they drove. "I'm a veterinarian," said the first fellow, "so I drive a white Vette." As they smiled and nodded, the second man said, "I own a sign company, so I drive a purple Neon." The third guy was suddenly quiet until the other two egged him on. "Well", he finally said, "I'm a proctologist and I have a brown Probe.

"People who play jazz have more fun than the people listening to them." -Robert Dubac in "The Male Intellect: an Oxymoron?"

GIRLS JUST WANNA HAVE FUN

The "Harry Potter" toy broomstick from Mattel has a vibrating feature That's a bit too popular with teenage girls. The "Nimbus 2000" is a plastic battery-powered replica of the broom used in Quidditch matches by the boy wizard in "Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone." It features a stick and a handle for "easy riding," according to Toysrus.com, and, enhancing the excitement are the "vibrating effects." It's a big hit and hits the spot.

"In today's corporate America one could say we're suffering from an embezzlement of riches." - Phil Proctor

BROKEN RECORDS?

In Finland, Estonians captured the world wife-carrying contest for the fifth year using the patented Estonian carry -- where the wife squeezes her thighs on the sides of the man's face while hanging upside down on his back. The prize was the wife's weight in beer. Other milestones recently confirmed by the Guinness Book of Records (we'll drink to that) were Most Persons Wearing Fake Groucho Glasses and Moustache (522); Most Live Honeybees Held Inside a Human Mouth (109); Most People Flossing Simultaneously with the Same Piece of Floss (297); Longest Ear Hair (4 inches, India); and Most Balloon Animals Sculpted in One Hour (494 in Pennsylvania). And they say the world is on the brink of war!

"If we want to sell American democracy, by God, we have to live it." -Former weapons inspector, Scott Ritter

YUCKEE!

  There once was a mountain named Yucca,
  To which Bush made his mind up to trucka
  Whole load of nuke waste.
  Poor Nevada, defaced,
  Cried in anguish,
  "Not here, motha-f**ka!" -

By Aerialist/poet Montana Miller @ www.montanamiller.com

"I'm not saying Bush is dim, but it takes him 2 hours to watch '60 Minutes.'" - Phil's Phunny Phacts

SECRETS TO A HAPPY MARRIAGE

1. It is important to find a woman who cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman who makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman who likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.

"Over 17 million work days were lost when 135,000 television, radio and film actors went on strike against advertisers for several month." - NY Times

THIS IS REALLY GOOFY

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours; aren't they both dogs! Well, not exactly, explains Planet Researcher Ed Ryba. Mickey's dog, Pluto, is indeed a dog. Goofy, on the other hand is a strange cartoon subspecies called a "dawg". Goofy started out in life circa 1929 as "Dippy Dawg" and the Disney animators affectionately nicknamed him "Dippy The Goof", or "The Goof" for short, which soon became "Goofy". The only other example of this subspecies surfaced around 1959 from Terrytoons studio -- Deputy Dawg.

"The highest purpose is to have no purpose at all. This puts one in accord with nature in her manner of operation." - John Cage (from Gary Belkin)

OFF WE GO

I dedicate this orbit to my late mother, Audre Jane (Yoder) Proctor, who would have turned 88 today; and my dear daughter Kristin and her beau Geoff, celebrating 11 months together tomorrow. Proctor and Campbell.

"Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's a woman's job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with." - From Patty Paul

TO DO...

Listen to The Firesign Theatre on "All Things Considered", tomorrow; and phone the White house at 202-456-1111, between 9-5 EST to say "I oppose" or "I approve" of the proposed war against Iraq. And, says Gary Belkin, comedy writer and military strategist, "How the Hell are we going to establish a beachhead in Iraq when the whole country is a beach?"