Planet Proctor 2002

Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 23

"The arts can do more to sustain the peace than all the wars, the armaments and the threats and warnings of the politicians." - Arthur Miller

BEAT THE REAPER!

Planet Watcher Ralph Phillips heard Rush Limbaugh play Firesign Theatre's "Beat the Reaper" routine to show how things that were once parodied are now becoming a reality...show.

If you live in the U.K. (yuck?) look out (sic) for pilot on a digital channel where contestants will be competing"to get as many illnesses as possible."

It's called "Sick Day", and three strapping chaps will be locked up in an (unsafe?) house for two months trying to catch ailments like "nits, lice, flu, venereal diseases," (that's really sic) "and warts." Which leads me to ask, do "genital warts" count as extra points?

"I was shocked!" said teacher Ray Downing, 23, who auditioned for the show. "They talked about snorkeling in sewage." What a ponce! We do that every day in San Diego!

Contestants were told they would be paid (dental program, too?) and that a doctor would make sure they did not become too ill (sure) adding that, "None of the illnesses will be life threatening."

"He's got - the plague! Give him the antidote, Nurse Judy!"

"The Firesign Theatre is like having American culture explode in front of you and land all over the wall." - George Carlin, on "Weirdly Cool"

IN ARRESTING ARE TICKLE

NY Times "Circuits" writer, David Pogue, who regularly utilizes a computer-driven voice recognition program, claims it will "never" replace the keyboard.

He then lists "wordos" such as: Bookmark it (book market), Motorola (motor roll a), Modem port (mode import), A procedure (upper seizure), And then stick it in the mail (and dense thicket in the mail), Movie clips (move eclipse,) I might add (I my dad), Inscrutable (in screw double), Hyphenate (-8), Suffocate (Suffolk 8), A case we summarily dismissed (a case we so merrily dismissed), Or take a shower (Ortega shower), The right or left (the writer left), Oxymoron (ax a moron) and Arial phone guy (aerial fungi).

"In short," Pogue complains, "How can we expect computers to understand us perfectly, when half the time we can't understand each other?"

What did that man say? (Thanks to Garry Margolis)

"I was always afraid to get a prostate exam because I didn't want my doctor sticking his finger up my butt. So when I heard they have this newfangled digital exam, I thought, hey, that doesn't sound so bad." - Scott E. Frank

CAN'T WE JUST LAUGH ALONG?

After all that recent flap concerning stand-up Jackie Mason and the cancellation of his opening act, a Palestinian comic, at a nightclub in Chicago, it was nice to get a notice from Jeannine Frank, our local Parlor Performance Producer, about Rabbi-comedian Bob Alper, (the world's only practicing clergyman doing stand-up comedy...intentionally) who's tours the country with Arab comic, Ahmed Ahmed, in a program called "ONE JEW. ONE ARAB. ONE STAGE. Two very funny guys!!"

We hope they don't bomb.

"The principal benefit acting has afforded me is the money to pay for my psychoanalysis." - Marlon Brando

WHAT IS REALITY?

CBS is reinventing "The Beverly Hillbillies" as a reality series that will follow the misadventures of a rural, lower-middle-class family (with granny), transported from their humble home to a real Beverly Hills manse (move over, Ozzie!) tentatively called The "Real" Beverly Hillbillies.

To quote "Simone" creator/producer Andrew Niccol, "[You] couldn't actually use some of the more ridiculous things that go on in Hollywood, because people would not believe it."

"A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch, so the barte der says, "You know you have a steering wheel attached to your crotch?" "Arrgh," says the pirate, "It's driving me nuts!" - From R. Lovejoy

FOR SAD SACKS

George at "Funny Times" recommends a 3-day-a -week workout for those of us getting on in years, to build op atrophying arm and shoulder muscles.

Start by standing with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, says George, extend the arms straight out to the sides and hold them there as long as you can.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-pound sacks, then 50-pound sacks, and finally (George swears) you'll get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand, holding your arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Then, start putting a few potatoes in the sacks. (But beware! This regime also stimulates an urge for vodka.)

"Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese." - Billie Burke

A DOODLE -DOO?

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the rooster and about ten hens he kept in the chicken house in the back of the rectory. But one Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and the priest suspected it had been abducted for a cock fight, and he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation point blank, "Has anybody got a cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, No," he said, "That wasn't what I meant, at all. Has anybody seen a cock?" All the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "You misread my meanin'. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?" Half the women stood up.

"No, No," he said, "What I really mean is, has anybody seen my cock?"

At that, all the altar boys stood up.

"Pop star Michael Jackson accepted his own self-created Artist of the Millennium award on MTV. Should have been the best self-created Plastic Surgery award." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

AND THE CHILDREN SHALL LEAD YOU

A first grade teacher gave each of her students the first half of a popular proverb and asked them to come up with the rest:

        Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
        Strike while the ...........................bug is close.
        It's always darkest before..................Daylight Savings Time.
        Never underestimate the power of............termites.
        You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
        Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
        No news is..................................impossible.
        A miss is as good as a......................Mister
        You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
        If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
        The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
        An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
        Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
        Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
        A penny saved is............................not much.
        Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
        Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
        Laugh & the whole world laughs with you, cry &......you have to blow your nose.
        There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
        Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
        If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
        You get out of something only what you......see in the picture on the box.
        When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
        And -- Better late than ..........................pregnant.

"My wife keeps complaining that I never listen to her...or something like that." - From Jane Jacobs

LIKE PULLING TEETH

Larry Belling witnessed the driver of a huge tractor-trailer lose control of his rig and plow into an empty tollbooth smashing it to pieces. Within minutes, another truck pulled up and out hopped a crew of workers. The men picked up each broken piece of the former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance on it. Then they began fitting the pieces together. In less than ten minutes, they had the entire tollbooth reconstructed and good as new. "Astonishing!" the truck driver said to the crew chief. "What was that white stuff you used to get all of the pieces together?" The crew chief said, "Oh, that was tollgate booth paste."

"What's the difference between the state of California and the Titanic? At least when the Titanic went down, the lights were on." - Enron CEO, Jeff Skilling

OPEN SEASON

The latest ploy to drive the last of the Al Queda out of the Afghani caves is to send in the Alabama Swat Team: Billy Bob, Bubba, Boo, Scooter, and Cooter, with the following information:

                1. There's no limit.
                2. The season just opened.
                3. They taste like chicken.
                4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music, or Jesus.
                5. Some might be queer.
                6. They hate barbecue.
                7. They caused Dale Earnhardt's racing death.

That should do it, you think?

"If you want to live like a Republican, vote Democrat." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

WATCH BIG BROTHER 3! AND CATCH FIRE (SIGN) ON "ALL THINGS CONSIDERED!!!