Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 22

 I’M ONLY JOKING!!!

Look out!!! This Special Planet features more JOKES than usual, gleaned from years of submissions from the likes of rabid collectors Jack Angel, Ivan Berger, Bob Lloyd, Garry Margolis, Magic Mike, Patty Paul, and others too numerous to mention -- though you know who you are! And if you want a credit on the site, please let me know.  Here goes… Michael Caine walks up to Milton Berle during a party and asks, “What kind of cigar are you smoking, there?’ “It's a Lawrence Welk.’ says Berle. “What's a Lawrence Welk?” Caine asks. Milton says, “It's a piece of crap with a band wrapped around it."

 "There may be some tough times here in America. But this country has gone through tough times before, and we're going to do it again." – GWB @ Waco

 IN THE STOCKS

Special Planet coorespondent Zobo Bongo Davis reports that helium was up; feathers were down. Paper was stationary but knives were up sharply. Pencils lost a few points. Hiking equipment was trailing. Elevators rose, while escalators continued a slow decline. Light switches were off. Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remained unchanged. Shipping lines stayed at an even keel. Balloon prices were inflated. And batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market.

 "When I hear the sound of money, well, that is good news!" - St. Milligan the First, from Firesign Phil Austin

 THE MALE RULES

1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet. – From Patty Paul

 "So, your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional because it says 'Under God', right? So I guess that means when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible, and repeated, 'So Help Me God' that makes your job unconstitutional…which means your ruling doesn't mean squat!" - Dennis Miller

 DON’T YOU SEE?

A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

 “I read recipes the same way I read science fiction.  I get to the end and think, 'Well, that's not going to happen.’” – Ivan’s Jokes

 BORN – AGAIN?

A handyman was working for a Synagogue had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work. First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Pittsburgh", and was thrown out. He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, "Where was Jesus born"? The man answered, "Philadelphia". He was tossed out. Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, "The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately". The man said to the rabbi, "I will come back only if you answer a question. "Where was Jesus born"? The rabbi says, "Bethlehem". "Argh!", cries the man. "I knew it was in Pennsylvania".

 "My pro-life position is I believe there's life. It's not necessarily based in religion. I think there's a life there, therefore the notion of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness." - GWB, SF Chronicle, Jan. 23

 A MEMORY LIKE AN ELEPHANT

An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant spots a turtle sunning himself on a rock.  The elephant walks over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. "What did you do that for?" asks the crocodile. The elephant answers, "That turtle was the one that bit me almost fifty years ago." "And you remembered him after all these years?" the crocodile says, "Boy you sure do have a good memory." “Yep," says the elephant, "I have turtle recall."  (Over the Transom)

 “Mikhail Kalasnikov, the inventor of the assault rifle, wishes he’d invented the lawnmower, instead of the people-mower-downer.” – Phil’s Phunny Phacts

 THAT’S RAT ON!

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.   Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "Twelve dollars for the rat, one hundred dollars for the story," says the owner. "I'll just take the rat,” says the tourist giving the man twelve dollars, “you can keep the story." As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and began following him. This was disconcerting, and he began walking faster. But within a couple blocks, the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. He began to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he ran to the edge of the Bay, and threw the bronze rat as far out into the water as he could. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after it, and they all drowned. The shaken man walked back to the curio shop. "Aha," said the owner, "You have come back for the story?" "No," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Terrorist.”

 “If GI Joe is carrying a replica [weapon] then we have to take it from him.” – LAX security @ http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/england/2173150.stm

 BOOLA BALL YA?

Tim Tuffield sent me the tale of a Texas football player who while visiting a Boston relative, was smitten by a glamorous East coast co-ed at a big Holiday party. He attempted to break the ice by asking, "Where do ya'll go t’ school?" and the Ivy-league fox, though thrown by his grammar and his drawl, gamely replied, "Yale." The aggie smiled, took a deep breath, and screamed, “I said, WHERE DO YA'LL GO T’ SCHOOL !?"

 A guy goes into a bar and orders a martinus. "You mean martini", says the bartender. "No", says the guy,  "If I wanted two, I'd have said so." –Ivan again

 CAUGHT A BIG ONE!

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, the phone rings and the woman picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation. As she speaks in a cheery voice: "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great!  Thanks. Okay. Bye-bye." She hangs up and her lover asks, "Who was that?" "Oh, that was my husband,” she replies, “telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you." (Jack’s Jokes)

 “A performing penis incontestably has legs.” – LA Times’ “Puppetry of the Penis” review by Lewis Segal

 LOCATION, LOCATION…

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'  He ignored me and continued writing the ticket; so I called him a pencil necked nazi.  He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!  So I called him a piece of horse crap. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 5 minutes . . . the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. But I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner.

 “You sure have to hand it to politicians. Otherwise they'll find some other way of getting it.” – George Mair of LaLaLAND

 THE REST IS SILENCE

Cliff Thorsness, the veteran CBS sound effects artist (1938-1962) who inadvertently left a battleship-gray door, wind machine and marching foot device for the Firesign Theatre to use on our first recordings at the Gower studios, has signed off at 88.  He worked with audio giants like Orson Welles and Norman Corwin; and now joins fellow sound designer David L. Krebs in that great studio in the sky. In a moving tribute to them both in Radiogram, Tony Palermo writes, “They shouldn’t go out with a bang or a whimper. You want it to be some extraordinary montage of sound patterns – an avalanche of milk bottles…or the Pacific Ocean evaporating…or the sound of a heart being broken.” And speaking of high-flying tributes, before he died at 78, Edward "Steady Ed" Headrick, the inventor of the “Pluto Platter”, AKA “The Frisbee” --said he wanted his ashes to be mixed into new copies of the famous plastic pie plate, sales of which his family hopes will fund a museum in his honor. And finally, pal Thane Tierney heard a Chick-ism from a caller to the Jim Rome show which should close this item in an appropriate manner. "You can put this one in the ground. The lid's closed, the body's cooling, the tissues are getting hard and the body fluids are congealing!"

 “So many people have been killed in the name of God, that He could probably be named in a class action suit." - Peter David, Comics Buyer's Guide

 OH, LORD!

Hipsters, flipsters, and finger-poppin' daddies,
Knock me your lobes,
I came to lay Caesar out,
Not to hip you to him.
The bad jazz that a cat blows,
Wails long after he's cut out.
The groovy is often stashed with their frames,
So don't put Caesar down.
The swinging Brutus hath laid a story on you
That Caesar was hungry for power.
If it were so, it was a sad drag,
And sadly hath the Caesar cat answered it.
Here with a pass from Brutus and the other brass,
For Brutus is a worthy stud,
Yea, so are they all worthy studs,
Though their stallions never sleep.
I came to wail at Caesar's wake.
He was my buddy, and he leveled with me.
Yet Brutus digs that he has eyes for power,
And Brutus is a solid cat…

  From Mark Antony's Funeral Oration in “Dig Infinity! The Life and Art of Lord Buckley” by Oliver Trager, Welcome Rain, $30 (including CD)

NOW, GO AWAY…

THE F WORD:

MICHAEL’S MANY FACES:

YOU’VE COME A LONG WAY, BOOBIE:

 "The people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders…All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the peacemakers for …exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country." -Herman Goering @ Nuremberg

 LISTEN TO ME! WATCH BIG BROTHER 3!

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2002 by Phil Proctor
Published AUGUST 20, 2002