Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 21

 "This sucks, this sucks, this sucks - SWORDFIGHT!!" - Shakespeare
according to San Diego bartender Justin Webber


         John William Galt asks, "How Dumb Are People?"

         Well -- police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two counterfeit $16 bills and when two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police -- and was arrested. And police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

        The Chico, California City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

        Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

        Hoping to continue its perfect five-year safety record, a company showed a film on the use of safety goggles but the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic, 25 workers suffered injuries in their rush to leave the room, 13 others fainted, and one man required 7 stitches after falling off his chair.

        Supposedly, after a top secret memo was circulated to be initialed by all authorized to read it, one chap received a follow-up: "You were not supposed to read the attached. Please erase your initials; then, to verify that you erased them, initial the erasure."

        The Anna Nicole Smith "reality" show on E! (for EEEEEK?), broke all previous first night cable records. Critic Howard Rosenberg suggests that next they should have  "Croc Hunter" Steve Irwin, wrestle her.

        Florida state election officials refused to qualify Percy, a 5-year-old border collie mix, as a rival to Secretary of State Katherine Harris in her bid for Congress.

        And according to the LA Times, advocates of medical marijuana find themselves "arguing with a man who does not smoke, drink or dance and who probably viewed the 1936 movie 'Reefer Madness' as a medical document."

 "'The problem with the French', Bush confided in Tony Blair, 'is that they don't have a word for entrepreneur'." - The London Times from Bob Claster


        According to Firehead Brian Westley, calendar confusion was unleashed on a tiny, oil-rich dictatorship when Saparmurat Niyazov, "Father of All Turkmenians" (recently named President-for-life by his truly) decreed that all months should be renamed after national heroes, starting with his truly, as the new January. He also wants to rename the week days:

        Bash Gun (Main Day), Yash Gun (Young Day), Hosh Gun (Good Day), Sogap Gun (Blessed Day), Anna (Friday), Rukh Gun (Spiritual Day) and Dynch Gun (Rest Day).

 And Anna, I say -- thank God it's still Friday!

 "The only reason they're booing is because they really want to cheer for you." - New Yankee player Derek Jeter, from Steve Ziplow


        Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and every Sunday night you watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan sitting on furniture that smelled like mothballs, and was as comfortable as sandpaper. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

        You have at least one ancestor who is related to your spouse's ancestor and at least 6 male relatives named David and at least one female relative who draws eyebrows on her face that are always asymmetrical. You thought all women's breasts were at least a C cup and never knew anyone who's last name didn't end in one of 5 standard suffixes.

        You spent your entire childhood thinking that everyone calls roast beef "brisket", pasta was the stuff used exclusively for kugel and kasha and bowties, and were surprised to find out that wine doesn't always taste like year-old cranberry sauce. You can look at gefilte fish and not turn green, though you thought whitefish salad and lox was the quintessential party food, and you've experienced the phenomena of watching 50 people crammed into a 10-foot wide dining room hitting each other with plastic plates trying to get to a deli tray.

       You can understand Yiddish but you can't speak it; you know how to pronounce numerous Yiddish words and use them correctly in context, yet you don't exactly know what they mean, even though the family dog responds to complaints uttered in Yiddish. (Kenahurra)

       You feel a sense of pride after seeing a Steven Spielberg movie, but Barbra Streisand embarrasses you no end. You thought that speaking loud was OK and that it's normal for someone to shout "Are you okay? Are you okay?" through the bathroom door, if you're in there for longer than 3 minutes. You think all goys are out to get you! But now you know it's just the Palestinians...

 (Thanks to Jane Jacobs and Magic Mike)

 "I am a divine being having a human experience." - David Walker, L.A. Church of Religious Science

 WHAT'S SO PUNNY?                

        Corduroy pillows are making headlines. "Energizer Bunny arrested -charged with battery."  A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor. A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative. When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

        Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. Practice safe eating -always use condiments. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome?

         I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way. My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time. I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe; I also worked in a blanket factory, but it folded.

         A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.. A shotgun wedding is a case of wife or death. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy. Marriage is the mourning after the knot before. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

         When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination. Reading whilst sunbathing makes you, well, red. Without geometry, life is pointless. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

 "In appreciation of the care Picabo Street received when she was injured, the skier donated money to build a new Intensive Care Unit at the local hospital in Park City, Utah to be named the 'Picabo I.C.U.' "


        Philip Ball writes in Nature Magazine that according to a scientific study at Arizona State University in Tempe, words through word association in English enjoy just three degrees of separation.

        The researchers traced the links between 30,000 English words in an online thesaurus to discover that semantic links make it as small a world as the supposed 'six degrees of Kevin Bacon' which connect us to one another through social interactions.

        For example, (and I love their choice here) the word 'actor' can be connected to 'universe' through two intermediaries. 'Character' is a synonym for 'actor'; 'character' is also equated with 'nature'; and 'nature' with 'universe'. Moving from 'actor' to 'universe' in the network of words therefore takes three steps.

        But it's a lot harder to get an acting job at Universal.

 "FOR ALL YOU DO; HIS BLOOD'S FOR YOU" - Canadian road sign from Brian Westley


        Richard Laible tells us that a man stumbles through the woods so blind drunk that he staggers into a river and bumps smack into a preacher baptizing people. The good pastor is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, but asks him, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" And the drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him, pulls him up and asks, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

        The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time and asks again, "Now, have you found Jesus, my brother?"

        "No, not yet," answers the soggy sot. By this time the preacher is at his wit's end and holds him under until he begins kicking.  

        "For the love of God have you found Jesus?" he asks as he pulls him up. The drunk catches his breath and says, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 "Great knowledge sees all in one. Small knowledge breaks down into many." - Chaung Tzu in the Tao


        In a letter to the L.A. Times re a report on ageism in Hollywood, Craig Furnas writes "I know an actress who signed with an agent who asked her age, She answered, '26.' The agent said, 'Tell casting directors you're 22.'

        On an audition, the casting director asked how old she was. She answered, '22.' The casting director said, 'Tell the producer you're 19.'"

 "Beauty is Pain" - Chiara to her stud muffin, Roddy on "Big Brother 3"


        The 25th anniversary of the death of Elvis Presley will be noted Aug 16 in many ways, including a reading of Mary Willard's funny play, "Elvis and  Juliet," at the Hollywood ImprovOlympics -- as well as in Las Vegas, Austin, Albuquerque, Indianapolis, Portland, Little Rock, Oxford, Miss., N.Y.'s Abingdon  Theater, and  London's New End.

        The L.A. company includes JoAnne Worley, Richard Kline, Johnny Dark, daughter Hope Willard and Fred Willard as "Art Lesley: King of the Elvis Impersonators" in an authentic $2,500 white, sequined suit.

        Fred will later star in Cole Porter's "Anything Goes" at UCLA's Freud, Sept. 17.

 "You're nobody if you don't get booed..." - Bob Dylan


        "This report just in: Everything you know is wrong." Or so wrote Reed Johnson in the L.A. Times Lifestyle section, "un-quoting" the Firesign Theatre.  

        But oh, how right he is! Now we learn that even Einstein might be wrong! Recent measurements from far space seem to indicate that the speed of light may NOT be constant after all!

"Before the problem of the creative writer, analysis must lay down its arms." - Freud


        Saturday, September 14 from 6-9 is the date for  'A (Late) Midsummer's Eve Festive Gathering" with cocktails, light food and enlightening entertainment assembled by Jeannie Hackett at the bucolic and stately mansion of Rhonda Aldrich and Stephen Halbert's @ 2559 Aberdeen Avenue in Los Feliz.  

        The evening is designed to raise money for the Antaeus Theatre Company which will soon occupy a permanent home at New Place on Vineland in North Hollywood, where de-construction has begun by member/actor/contractor Terry Evans.

        If you're interested in contributing or know any high rollers (are there any left?) who would like to bring a checkbook and become a patron, please let me know, and I'll send out a formal invite! I'll be singing "Brush Up Your Shakespeare" with the ever versatile John Apicella.

        Also, under the able leadership of Actress/teacher Jeannie Hackett, we are offering more sessions of the Antaeus Academy to entice new (and young, handsome and beautiful) students to our classy, classical company.

Check out for particulars.

"Making people laugh is the lowest form of humor" - Michael O'Donohue


        In Afghani language notes I once used for a group looping session on some obscure movie or TV show, I found these intriguing translations:

        "A-neen Nevada ah Nuclear Bombs see he-ad" (or) "Ani is in Nevada with Nuclear bombs."

        And "Ice Turchuna Kleenex oo-nee" (or) "The little bird had a Kleenex."

        To which I might add, "Inch khentz pann-ay! (or) "How silly!"

"100  0LIVES LOST IN GREEK QUAKE" - Headline misprint from Ivan Berger


        Planet Watcher Brian Westley informs us that a group in Athens promoting devotion to the ancient Greek gods is suing the potential mascots of the 2004 Olympics in a lawsuit claiming that naming them after ancient deities "savagely insults" their religion! They hope for a settlement of 3 million euros ($2.85 million) and a possible ban on the figures - gods willing.

        "I got out of the film-scoring business," says 90-year-old composer David Raksin in the LA Times by way of Planeteer Rob Lewine, "because...what they wanted was something really rather cheap and vulgar; and I was not about to do that on purpose, when I was in danger of doing it accidentally."

        Then, someone* said, "Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official save exactly to the degree in which he himself stands by the country. It is patriotic to support him insofar as he efficiently serves the country. It is unpatriotic not to oppose him to the exact extent that by inefficiency or otherwise he fails in his duty to stand by the country."

*President Theodore Roosevelt in 1908.

"You can put this one in the refrigerator. The door's closed, the lights are out, the eggs are cooling, the butter's getting hard and the Jell-o (tm) is jiggling..." - Late L.A. Lakers sportscaster Chick Hearn


2002 by Phil Proctor
Published AUGUST 12, 2002