Planet Proctor 2002

Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 20

"Apathetic indifference to the suffering of all sentient beings has no place in the 21st century." - Producer Lionel Friedberg

WHERE IT'S @

European languages associate @ with animals. In Dutch, it's called apestaart, "monkey's tail." In Finnish it's either kissanhaentae, "a cat's tail" or miau ("meow") merkki. Germans call it a Klammeraffe, "spider monkey" or "clinging monkey",, and in Serbian, the word is majmun, "a monkey."

To the Russians, the @ looks like the curled tail of a dog, hence, sobachka, "little dog." Some Swedes call it "Snabel-A" or "elephant-trunk-A", while others prefer the culinary term, kanelbulle, "cinnamon bun." In Hebrew opinion is also split between animal and food: ashablool, "snail" or "strudel."

In France, however, the @ is simply a "business a," because in 1972, programmer Ray Tomlinson chose the @ to clearly separate usernames from machine and domain identities; but the @ in English probably originated with the French "a" in expressions like: "ten apples to a Euro = dix pommes a Euro."

Earlier the Spanish or Portuguese, used a similar sign for "arroba" from the Arabic ar-roub, "the quarter," a measure of solids and liquids; but evidence for either story is sketchy. - Audra Himes, http://www.yourdictionary.com:80/cgi-bin/spread.cgi.

"I always liked a Pledge of Allegiance I heard Gary Snyder recite once up north: 'One ecosystem, under sun, in diversity, with joyous interpenetration for all!'" - Hank Rosenfelt

IT DOES NOT COMPUTE

"Computers are useless. They can only give you answers," observed Pablo Picasso. "There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer," groused J.H. Goldfuss.

"A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history," agreed Mitch Ratliffe, "with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila." And Marvin Minsky mused: "No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing, but most of the time, we aren't either."

Yet Werner von Braun noted, "Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... the only one that can be mass-produced with unskilled labor."

Finally, popular ballroom dancer Janet Reno said, in a speech on terrorists: "They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction."

"Time is the school in which we learn." - Delmore Schwartz

CEO-NISTAS SIGHTED, NOT SITED

From multiple sources: Unwilling to wait for their eventual indictments, 10,000 remaining CEOs of public U.S. companies made a break for it, heading for the Mexican border, plundering towns and villages along the way, and writing the entire rampage off as a marketing expense.

"They came into my home, made me pay for my own TV, then double-booked the revenues," said Rachel Sanchez of Las Cruces, just north of El Paso, "Right in front of my daughters."

Calling themselves the CEO-nistas, the outlaws bought the city of Waco, transferred its under-performing areas to a private partnership, and sent a bill to California for $4.5 billion. Law enforcement officials and disgruntled shareholders riding posse were noticeably frustrated. "First of all," complained posse spokesman Dean Levitt, "they're very hard to find because they always stand behind their numbers and the numbers keep shifting,"

The pursuers said they have had some success, however, using high-powered listening devices. "Most of the time we just hear cattle flicking their tails," said Lewis, "but occasionally we'll pick up someone saying, 'I was totally out of the loop on that" or 'They'll never audit me alive!'"

So far, about 50 chief executives have been captured, including Martha Stewart, who was detained south of El Paso. "She would have gotten away," said Border Patrol officer Jeannette Cushing, "but she was stopping motorists to ask for marzipan and food coloring so she could make edible snowman place settings, using cut pieces of the barbed wire for arms. We put her in cell No. 7," she added," because the morning sun really adds texture to the stucco walls."

While some stragglers are believed to have successfully crossed into Mexico, Cushing said the bulk of the CEO-nistas have holed themselves up at the Alamo.

"No, not the fort, the car rental place at the airport," she said. "They're rotating all the tires on the minivans and accounting for each change as a sale."

See: http://www.satirewire.com/news/june02/ceonistas.shtml

"Eleven plus two, when you rearrange the letters is twelve plus one." - Phil's Phunny Accounting Phacts

WHAT A WORLD...

Writer Gary Belkin observes, "Miss Piggy (with Kermit) is now doing a commercial for Denny's Grand Slam Breakfast which features beautiful pictures of sizzling bacon. Miss Piggy has sold out her species! What a pig!"

And fellow social observer Michael Atkinson writes in The Village Voice, "It's not overstating things to posit that 'Mr. Deeds' is to the Sandlerian oeuvre what, say, 1955's 'Bowery to Baghdad' was to Huntz Hall's -- an atomic diaper tossed into an alley already filled with reeking trash."

And L.A. Times critic Kenneth Turan adds: "Sandler seems barely there as Longfellow Deeds, disengaged from a role that only seems to interest him when, in moments that would be classified as psychotic in a more coherent film, he departs from his pose of decency to deliver any number of savage beatings to people who step out of line. They certainly don't make loveable guys the way they used to."

(The film as of this writing was Number One at the box office!)

"Your 15 minutes are up." - Andy Warhol

FROM WUNSAPONNA TIMES

Yuri "El Fiendo" Rasovsky writes that in a landmark decision, the Wunsaponna Supreme Court ruled today that Superman's x-ray vision violated the Constitutional right of privacy while investigators revealed that the crash of Icarus Airlines flight 1 was caused by faulty materials and not terrorists as original thought.

Mr. And Mrs. Jack Spratt filed for divorce this morning, citing irreconcilable culinary differences; and in a joint session of the Danish court, King Hrothgar yesterday dared marauding monster Grendel to fight the champion Beowulf, calling the ogre, "a momma's boy."

Also, police today arrested Albericht T. Dwarf in connection with the theft of millions of Euros-worth of Rhine gold and Long J. Silver was sentenced to death for piracy and overacting.

Transitions included entertainer Pinnochio from Dutch Elm Disease, Starkist spokes-fish Charlie the Tuna -- mercury poisoning; Babe the Blue Ox of mad cow disease and Lamont Cranston, alias "The Shadow", of cancellation of whom grieving companion Margot Lane said, "He'll be mist."

Sports: Achaeans 19,392, Trojans 104; Lions 143, Christians 0; Windmills 1, Quixote 0.

"Trust in Allah but tie up your camel." - Old Egyptian saying

MORE GRANNY WINNERS

The Beatles--"I Get By with a Little Help From Depends™"

Steely Dan--"Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Herman's Hermits--"Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

The Rolling Stones--"You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

Credence Clearwater Revival--"Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye--I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who--"Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"

The Troggs--"Bald Thing"

"The missing link in the transition from fish to walking amphibian is called 'Romer's gap" after the scientist who's still looking for it..." - Science News

THE TEN RAP-MANDMENTS

I.    I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt not have any other gods before me - I be de Lawd. Don' be dissin' me.
II.   Thou shalt not have any graven images - Don' be makin' no hood ornaments or nothin' dat be lookin' like me.
III. Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord thy God in vain - Don' be callin' me for no reason - homey don' play dat.
IV.   Remember to keep the Sabbath day holy -Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
V.    Honor thy father and mother - Don' dis yo' mama; an if yo' know who yo' daddy is, don' dis him neither.
VI.   Thou shalt not kill - Don' ice yo' bros.
VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery - Stick wit yo' own woman.
VIII. Thou shalt not steal - Don' be liftin' no goods.
IX.   Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy brother - Don' be frontin' like you all dat, an' no snitchin' on yo' homies.
X.    Thou shalt not covet anything - Don' be eyein' yo' homie's crib, ride, woman, or nothin'.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'" - Emo Philips

SOME ARE CAMP

Dear Mom: Our Scoutmaster told us all to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away.

Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. On, yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he's okay. He can't write to her because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire, so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?

The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also, some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said with a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it. We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it'shot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with ten people in the car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under water from the flood. Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the lifejackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid training merit badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Also, Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken, he said they got sick that way with the food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became out scoutmaster. He said he figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

I have to go now. We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets. Don't worry about anything. We are fine -- Love, Your Son

PS How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot? (From Arleta Braxton-O'Brien)

"Making money is art and working is art and good business is the best art." - Andy Warhol in Newsweek

STOP PLAYING WITH MY HEAD!!

(Toy disclaimers parents would like to see...)

        * No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.
        * Caution: Care Bears do not actually care very much.
        * Warning: This toy produces substantially less real life childish glee than on TV.
        * In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.
        * Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.
        * Use as an actual terrorist device not recommended.
        * Some dismemberment may occur.
        * Do not attempt to combine your Ultra Mega Warrior with your cat to make Ultra Mega Cat Warrior.
        * Note: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" are not Responsible for the movie which spawned it.
        * Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

"Based on a 17% credit card rate and a 2% minimum payment, it would take 40 years and cost $16, 305.34 to pay off a $5,000 revolving credit card balance." - A proposed credit card Disclosure Warning

Miscelanies Department:

Brooklyn Bridge for Sale? http://www.nypost.com/news/nationalnews/52817.

What?: http://wtv-zone.com/JBond/chowmein.swf

Fish, squid: http://mdn.mainichi.co.jp/japano/0207/ice-cream/1.html

"The dictionary is the only place where you'll find 'success' before 'work'. - From Jan Cobler