Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 17

"The truth is mighty and will prevail. There is nothing the matter with this except that it ain't so."
- Mark Twain


     Last week, the Firesign Theatre's "Fools In Space" won a GOLD AWARD at The International New York Radio Festival for "Best Regularly Scheduled Comedy Program".

     "Everyone here is delighted," wrote XM Satellite's Dave Logan. "We thank you for helping make XM amazing."  

     This week we also started recording some amazing and amusing 7-minute segments for NPR's "All Things Considered", the first to be broadcast on July 4th!

 "Thy mother wears army bonnets." - Amish insult from Mary Willard


My Yale classmate Alex Garvin spoke off-the-record at our recent 40th reunion, but I believe I can quote the following.

     Appointed by the City Planning Commission to manage the revival of lower Manhattan after "criminals" destroyed it, he is charged with restoring all damaged services, erecting a fitting memorial and unifying and revitalizing the area as quickly as possible. Although Alex hopes to establish his goals in a series of community gatherings, he confided to us that it will not be an easy task because of "the Nimbys, the Bananas, the Notes and the Nopes".

     The Nimby says: "Not In My Back Yard", the Banana says, "Build Anything Not Anywhere Near Anything", the Notes say, "Not Over There, Either" -- and the Nope?  "Not On Planet Earth!"


 "Not An Accredited Egress Door" - Sign at the Ritz-Carlton in Boston


     "I don't cry for Mexico," said a waitress at Latino Night Club in L.A. after the Mexican soccer team's loss to the U.S, "I cry for my $100. I just lost a bet." .

     But as Peter Bergman noted on our last XM radio show, there was also a loss we can all cheer about when an asteroid "the size of a soccer field" hurtled past the Earth a week ago, avoiding a catastrophic collision by a mere 75,000 miles, less than a third of the distance to the moon, and proving that everybody is looney over soccer these days, including, apparently, extraterrestrials.

     Writer Gary Belkin emailed that "Just after 9/11 George Dubya said, over and over and over about bin Laden, 'He can run, but he can't hide.'" Hmmmm.

     Also, in the news, long time contributor Garry Margolis informs me that the online Oxford English Dictionary has acknowledged the word "bonkbuster" as "a type of popular novel characterized by frequent sexual encounters".

     The word was created by author Sue Limb after a publisher asked for a "big thick book with lots of bonking in it"

 "You're as young as the person you're feeling.'" - Banjer Dan


     Yale-mate Rob Irving is an Architectural Historian specializing in the British Empire who has managed to create in his own words, "A peripatetic but completely impecunious existence."

     He recently guided us through the new British Museum at Yale and regaled the crowd with self-deprecating stories of reactions to his lectures, book signings and guided tours over the years.

     "You wrote that?" said one person, "You must be smarter than you look!"

     And when Rob said once that he hoped to publish a posthumous compendium of Empire Architecture, someone piped up,

     "Posthumously? Ahh! The sooner the better!"

 "They finally published the ingredients in Viagra: 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen,1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat." - Jerry redhawk Gelb


     The President of the United States has asked that all Americans and Canadians unite together in a common cause to root out terrorists hiding in our community.

     Since the Taliban consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not one's wife, on Saturday afternoon at 2:00 p.m. EST, all North American women are asked to walk out of their house completely nude to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

     All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of your house to prove that you think it's OK to see other women nude. (Since they do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.)

     Names and addresses of non-participants should be sent to CIA Headquarters in Langley, Virginia. America appreciates your efforts to do your part by showing your parts and applauds your efforts. (email alert forwarded by Hannah Baldwin)

 "Poor, dear God. Playing Idiot's Delight. The game that never means anything and never ends."       - Robert E. Sherwood, 1935


     Thanks to the administrative genius of Paul Willson, presently playing "Falstaff" in Elizabeth Huffman's clever Appalachian-set workshop of "The Merry Wives of Windsor" at the Strasbourg Institute in West Hollywood, I will be emceeing a benefit for WYNGS, the official chapter of the spinal cord injury association which addresses the unmet needs of people with paralysis on Sunday, July 14th at 2 in the afternoon at The Improv on Melrose.

     "Rolling Laughter will be only a tax deductible $35 for desserts, coffee and LOTS of laughs, but I hope no one falls out of their chairs...

     Honorary sponsors are Eric Idle, Penny Marshall, Garry Shandling, Marcia Wallace and Fred Willard; and I'll be introducing Ed Begley, Jr., Teri Garr, John Ratzenberger, Wayne Federman, Pete Gray, Phyllis Katz, Rick Overton, Henry Phillips, Sarah Silverman, Off The Wall  & Friends (with Paul Willson) and other Surprise Guests -- although I trust they'll tell me who they are.

 "There is a Hardin C. Cox Welcome Center in Rockport, MO." - Phil's Phunny Phacts from Jerry and Brian


     Planeteer Hank Rosenfeld went to a Writer's Bloc evening to hear Roger Rosenblatt and Norman Lear when a Gen X or Y-er got up and said, "Mr. Lear, you invented 'All In The Family' where people talked about issues and what was going on in this country. The kids my age, we don't talk. Is that because you baby boomers let us do whatever we wanted, gave us cars at 16, etc?"

     Lear looked down from the podium and said, "If you find your generation is not talking...I would sincerely suggest pot."

     To which a voice in the back row sang out, "Where can we get some?"

 "Male, upscale, sophisticated, distictive (sic), with a slight sense of humor (like Denzel Washington, Keifer Sutherland or Hal Holbrook)." - Audition directions


     My talented wife, Melinda Peterson, will be appearing opposite fellow Antaen Peter Van Norden in the one-act "Apply Yourself" by 18-year-old Stacey Lloyd in Blank Theatre Company's 10th Annual Young Playwright's Festival, this Thurs thru Sat @ 8, and Sunday @ 3, at the Hudson Theatre, 6539 Santa Monica.

     Tickets are $12 and can be purchased at 323.661-9827 .  Melinda also served on the selection board this year and is very happy with the chosen works by playwrights from 13 to 19 years of age! Theatre lives!

 "Give me a franchise to this place and I'll have one on every college campus in the country." - "McDonald's" Ray Kroc after a visit to Yale's "Mory's"


     "Dear Cretins," begins a letter to a British cable provider - "I thought British Telecom were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else, is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum -- incompetents of the highest order.

     "BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy... I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief - quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

     "I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

     "Have a nice day -- may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats." (Don't you love the English?)

"First, you've been attacked by the terrorists. Then you're attacked by the lawyers." - Kentucky's Republican Sen. Mitch McConnell


     ...for I have punned. Retired film and TV star Larry (NYPD BLUE) Mann announced that the Catholics have finally agreed on a policy - "Three tykes and you're out." But his son, voice-over comrade, Danny Mann, notes that it's probably too late for many "altered boys."

     Meanwhile, an L.A. Times photo of a protest sign at Dallas' recent U.S. Bishop's meeting read: "Bishop Grahman would look RAVISHING in an orange jumpsuit!"

     And Brian Westley tells me that The Associated Press reported the Rev. Orlando Bethel was viciously attacked during a June 14 funeral and dragged out of the church because he told mourners the deceased was in Hell and that they were headed the same way. (Well, they are now!)

"Alcoholic Country-Western singers can sign up for a Two-Step program." - Danny (the) Mann


     Jack and Patti Poet write that they too have "foofy "names for their cat, Heather and "just hope we haven't scarred her emotionally."

     She is currently Honey Buckets or Tinker Doo, Puddin', Puter or Ace.  Previously they had a cat named General Motors (for his loud purr), and add that a friend calls her dogs Wanda, The Wonder Dog, Lovey, The Dog of Love and Brandy, The Dog of Liquor (they once owned a liquor store).

     And while writer Ivan Berger calls his cats "Daddy's Boy, Little Girl, Michael, Merkin, Ghost, Widget, Nuisance, Missy, Chessie, Pyewacket, Virgil, Henry, Barrymore, and Jimminy," the most ambitious list I've received so far comes from the twisted mind of voice-over artist, writer and radio activist April Winchell who wrote:  

     "God, I hate to do this...My dogs' nicknames: Rosie Perez, The Face of Evil, Black Bowling Ball of Rage, Pot Bellied Pig, Rosemarie, Poopfoot, Cokey Roberts, Happy Jack, Baby Pants, Pinhead, Pointy Head, Little Lobster Lover, Chicken Little, Chick-A-Stick, Monkey-Puzzle, Munga-Munga-Munga, Miss Crabtree, All-Seeing, All-Knowing Dog-Head, Heironomous, Dingus Magee, Sniffy Chicken, Baby-Nose, Pretty Pants, Banana Bread, Hula Boots, Sugar Shoes, Little Brown Dog, Vulchin - Ruler of the Kneefree People and -- Queen of Scandanavia.

I'm gonna turn them all in to the ASPCA.

"Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. What do you call an Italian with one arm shorter than the other? Speech impaired." - The "Angel" of Comedy


     Does the FBI have a file on you? Well, you can visit the free site below, but hurry, because it's expected to be closed soon due to a federal court order.

     Don't use your Social Security number, but check your state and put in your name. If a match is found they'll ask for your year of birth and bring up the case number, date of investigation and any photos on file.

      Police Guide

Also - Be Happy!
The Lego Bible:
Want A Bigger PP?

"Because of the Gay Pride Weekend, you couldn't go 'straight' through West Hollywood. What a drag." - Phil's Phunny Phacts

2002 by Phil Proctor
Published JUNE 25, 2002