Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 15

"My father was frightened of his father, I was frightened of my father and I'm damn well going to see to it that my children are frightened of me."  - King George V (1865-1936)


BACK/EAST

        I returned from a fabulous trip to Broadway, Yale and West Hartford to the big news that I'm to be the voice of "Big Brother", one of this summer's returning big reality shows on the big eye, CBS. It's for 13 weeks starting in July every Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday -- and they can't cancel us!

    I hope you all tune in. Remember, I'll be watching...


  "Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher's mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again." - Jimmy Piersal, 1968


DADDY'S BEDTIME TALES

    JACK AND JILL went up the hill
    To have a little fun.
    Careless Jill forgot the pill
    And now they have a son.

    MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB,
    her father shot it dead.
    Now it goes to school with her
    Between two hunks of bread.

    LITTLE MISS MUFFET sat on a tuffet,
    Her clothes all tattered and torn.
    It wasn't a spider that crept up beside her
    But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

    THERE WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
    Who had a little curl
    Right in the middle of her forehead.
    And when she was good, she was very, very good
    But when she was bad, she got a fur coat, jewels and a sports car.

    HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
    Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
    All the Kings horses and all the Kings men
    Had scrambled eggs for breakfast, again. (Source unknown)


"Jack Lemmon was the best f**ing man!" - Tony Curtis in "Vanity Fair"


DADDY'S "KIDS"

     The ten most popular pet names from a recent survey were reveled to be Max, Sam, Lady, Bear, Smokey (sic), Shadow, Kitty, Molly, Buddy and Brandy followed close up the behind by Ginger, Baby, Misty, Missy, Pepper, Jake, Bandit, Tiger, Samantha, Lucky, Muffin, Princess, Maggie, Charlie, Sheba, Rocky, Patches, Tigger, Rusty, and Buster.

     And so, at the risk of embarrassment, which has never stopped me before, I offer you our personal "pet names" for our two cats, Chester and Wilma, affectionately known around here as "the kids". For clarification, Chester is a drop-dead handsome black and white rag-doll fall-down tuxedo and Wilma a rather small, tiger-striped, noisy gray huntress.

     Chester goes off to work every day after a ritual roll on the upper and lower patios and either shows up in the afternoon for a long nap in the shade or returns for dinner at five (if he's not held over at the office). He sleeps with my wife.

     Wilma is all girl. She's very talkative and expressive, loves to be brushed, stretches out like a seductress and drags herself across the floor every morning. On a good day, she goes out and brings us a dead mole, on a bad day, a bird. Around four she announces dinnertime and scolds us until it's served. She sleeps on me.

     Our nicknames for Chester include "Son", Our Boy, Big Boy, Mr. Man, The Mister, Mister C, Chesty, Chesty-boy, Chester-wester, Chesterino, Chestosterone, Handsome, Lover Boy, the Bottomless Love Bucket, the Purr Meister Mr. Tuxedo, Mr. Meatloaf and The Pasha.

     For Wilma: Miss Screech, Little Miss, Our Little Girl, "Daughter", Woo-woo, Bunny, Bun-bun, the Bunster, "Crotch Rabbit", Creeper, the Gray Streak, Mudhen, the Wilmster, Willoo and Fur Factory.

(I shudder to see your responses to these hideous revelations, but I'm sure I'll get what I deserve).


     "Dorothy Parker (Rothschild), was expelled from Catholic school for insisting that the Immaculate Conception was really spontaneous combustion." - Phil's Phunny Phacts


BE A REAL MAN!

     A two-year degree is being offered these days at Yale under the assumption that men need (or ought) to be trained for marriage, So, whether you're presently married or contemplating it, here's how to get your MA and become a Bachelor (sic) of Male Arts.

    First Year/Autumn Schedule

    MEN 101     Combating Stupidity
    MEN 102     You, Too, Can Do Housework
    MEN 103     PMS. Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
    MEN 104     We Do Not Want Sleazy Knickers for Christmas
    ECON 001A     What's Hers is Hers

    Winter Schedule

    MEN 110     Wonderful Laundry Techniques
    MEN 111     Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4am
    MEN 112     Parenting: It Doesn't End with Conception
    EAT 100     Get a Life, Learn to Cook

    Spring Schedule

    MEN 120     How NOT to Act Like a Butt-face When You're Wrong
    MEN 121     Understanding Your Incompetence
    MEN 122     YOU, the Weaker Sex
    MEN 123     Reasons to Give Flowers
    ECON 001C     What Was Yours is Hers

    Year Two/Autumn

    SEX 101     You CAN Fall Asleep Without Sex
    SEX 102     Morning Dilemma: If "It's" Awake -- Take a Shower
    SEX 103     How You Can Stay Awake After Sex
    MEN 201    How to Put the Toilet Seat Down

    Winter

    MEN 210     The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
    MEN 211     How to Not Act Younger than Your Children
    MEN 212     You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver
    MEN 213     Honest, You Don't Look Like Tom Cruise
    MEN 230A     Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important

    Spring

    MEN 220     Omitting %&*! From Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only)
    MEN 221     Fluffing the Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
    MEN 222     Real Men Ask for Directions
    MEN 223     Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
    MEN 230B     Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2

    Course Electives:

    MEN 231     Mothers-in-law
    MEN 232     How To Appear to Be Listening
    MEN 233     How To Just Say, "Yes, Dear"
    EAT 102     Eating Utensils - What Are They For?
    EAT 103     Burping and Belching Discreetly
    ECON 001     Divorce? It's Cheaper to Keep Her  (SIGN UP NOW!!!)


     "When Sir Elton John was handed a script for the jubilee at Buckingham Palace with the first line 'Fifty years, a queen', he purportedly quipped, 'How did they know my age?' - Columnist Cathy Griffin in "Beverly Hills (213)"


BLOWN OUT OF PROPORTION

     According to planeteer Bill Vallely by route of Reuters, a Munich man was interrogated recently on suspicion of foul play when observed lugging a dead body into his apartment. However, when the officers told the man they were investigating a murder, a spokeswoman said that he showed them a newly acquired "silicon sex doll" which he was adding to his already copious collection of latex ladies.

     Apparently, the article revealed, he was actually "breaking in" his new girlfriend when police arrived.


     "Most of Thorton Wilder's perennially popular 'Our Town' was penned in a small town outside of Zurich, Switzerland, according to my classmate, 'Tappy' Wilder."

- Phil's Phunny Phacts


CLOSE THE BOOK

     ...on the wonderful life of innovative art book publisher Paul Gottlieb, who employed my late mother, Audre, at Horizon and American Heritage in New York in the 60s and 70s. He died suddenly at 67 of a heart attack, Wednesday past.  

     I had talked to him recently about attending a memorial gathering for Mom hosted at my pal, Charles Moed's stylish Manhattan penthouse a few weeks ago and was shocked to learn of his untimely demise.

     Born the son of Russian emigres not far from the Metropolitan Museum of Art, I remember speaking Russian and French with him at our frequent meetings. He was an imposing and elegant man but in the LA Times obit, Elaine Woo noted that he referred to himself as a "wastrel" in college and was expelled for a semester after having "a paralyzingly good time" in pursuit of women and wine. He had just retired after two decades as President of Harry Abrams Publishing.

     And "wooden" you know, we also must say farewell to the 460-year-old Wye Mills, Maryland oak tree, felled in a storm Thursday. At the time of it's undoing it was 104 feet tall, 32 feet around and weighed 200 tons. We should all live so long...


     "How did golf get its name? All the other four-letter words were taken."

- Judge Steff Graae, Yale '62


THE PLANET TURNS...

     ...next orbit to tales of plays, Yale (my 40th Reunion), Luke's "Animal Party", and a trip to Mark Twain's house in Hartford! Stay turned...


     "Roast Tenderloin of Beef 'Saigon' and Chocolate Decadence Cake."

- Dinner, Yale '62


PLANET PROCTOR
2002 by Phil Proctor
Published 06/08/02