Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 14

Phil from Give Us A Break

"Success doesn't change people, it unmasks them." - Al Pacino


Boy the Bear's Age Guage informs me that since I was born on July 28, 1940, I was...

  • 57 years old when Princess Diana died
  • 54 years old at the time of Oklahoma City bombing
  • 53 years old when O. J. Simpson was charged with murder
  • 52 years old at the time of the bombing of the World Trade Center
  • 50 years old when Operation Desert Storm began
  • 49 years old during the fall of the Berlin Wall
  • 45 years old when the space shuttle Challenger exploded
  • 43 years old when Apple introduced the Macintosh
  • 42 years old during Sally Ride's travel in space
  • 40 years old when Pres. Reagan was shot by John Hinckley, Jr.
  • 39 years old at the time the Iran hostage crisis began
  • 35 years old on the U.S.'s bicentennial Fourth of July
  • 34 years old when President Nixon left office
  • 31 years old when Alabama Gov. George C. Wallace was shot
  • 28 years old at the time the first man stepped on the moon
  • 27 years old when Martin Luther King Jr was assassinated
  • 25 years old during the Watts riot
  • 23 years old at the time President Kennedy was assassinated
  • 19 years old when Hawaii was admitted as 50th of the United States
  • 17 years old when the Soviet satellite Sputnik 1 was launched
  • 12 years old at the end of the Korean War
  • 5 years old when the atomic bomb was dropped on Hiroshima and,
  • 1 year old at the time of the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor

"Any random group of thirty Vietnamese women will contain a dozen who make Julia Roberts look like Lyle Lovett." - P. J. O'Rourke (1994)


From The Zagat website...

     "The Emperor's new food. Chef's responsibility is to turn on the microwave. So noisy you can't hear yourself taste. Why eat here when you can take the vegetables from the garbage can? The only good thing about this restaurant is leaving it, but getting mugged at gunpoint in their parking lot left a bad taste in my mouth.

     "The last stop before food stamps. Like a skunk, it's small, it's cute and it stinks. Filled with flowers and all the things that make flowers grow. A petri dish gone horribly, horribly wrong. Could have changed my oil twice from the bottom of the pasta dish. Take your time, the staff sure does. If you were on fire, they wouldn't even throw a drink on you.

     "Not what it used to be -- and it didn't used to be much. The average age here is deceased. The cockroaches are more energetic than the management. The old waiters are fresher than the fish. If I want a fatty sandwich served by a walking attitude, I'll go to Mom's. Grandma cooked like this and Grandpa died young. Even the water gives you heartburn. Must be laundering money.

     "Beavis and Butthead hangout. Reassuringly ugly. To call it a dump would be flattering. I can defrost better. They put the salmon in salmonella and the food tastes like socks. Perfect for your fasting day. The portions are the size of Jesse Helms' grants to the arts."

"The only 'ism' Hollywood believes in is plagiarism." - Dorothy Parker


     My pal, Hank Rosenfeld, is working on an as-told-to memoir with gag-writer Irving Brecher who also wrote for the late Milton Berle and notes in the NYC Yiddish weekly, "Forward" that Irv and Wilder took morning walks together around Holmby Park in Westwood.

     You could imagine them discussing great filmmaking, the blandishments and perils of the writing life, etc. but "No," Irv said.

     "Billy did bird calls mostly, and the birds just sneered at him. I didn't go to [Wilder's] funeral," Irv added, "And I'm trying to arrange not to go to mine, either."

"Rated PG for mild sensuality." - Phil's Phunny Phacts


     John Gall writes, "All those quotes about the Queen Mum were great. An article about her in last year's 'Vanity Fair' had a quote that still makes me laugh.

     She is quoted as having said to a couple of members of her staff, 'Would one of you old queens get this old queen a gin and tonic?'"

     So Lady Di and the Queen Mum meet in heaven. The Queen Mum sees a halo on Lady Di and asks, "How do I get a nice halo like that, dear?"

     "Mum," says Lady Di. "It's a steering wheel.

"My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra.  He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building." - Jack's Jokes from Jack Angel


(Or a rooster, actually...)

     Seal penises are used for a variety of things, mostly Three-Penis Wine - made from the penis of a seal, a dog and a deer. Indeed, the sale of seal penises as an aphrodisiac has been going on for thousands of years in Asia, but don't be fooled by the $650 price tag.  After studying 27 pickled penises, scientists from the University of Guelph found only one was confirmed to be the penis of a real seal, most being from bulls and dogs.

     "Perhaps the most upsetting part of killing seals solely for their penises and testicles is that there is no scientific evidence the concoctions enhance any kind of sexual pleasure or function."

     John Wiebe, a professor of zoology says, "People used to eat hearts to gain courage, and brains to become more intelligent. Anyone in the 20th century should know better."    

"This matters, the remaking of an untenable world through the nib of a pen; it matters so much, I can't stop doing it." - Author Carol Shields


     Ok, you're out in the woods and Nature calls, you've got to see a man about a horse, you need a potty break. You look for the nearest log, hope like anything that there are no animals living in it and that it's not wet and slimy. You grit your teeth, pull down your drawers and do your "bidness" out in the great outdoors. Not a pleasant thought, is it? Don't let it ever happen to you again!  You need...The Offroad Commode! The Texas Horseshoe, The Sportsman's Throne, the Original Hitch Receiver Toilet -- and the last Utility Seat you'll ever need to buy!

     Hunt with it! Fish with it! Take it golfing! And of course, now you can "go" anywhere your vehicle goes! !

     But, you will need one for every one of your vehicles and adapters are available...Only $49.95! Get yours, today!

     WARNING: Not for use while vehicle is in motion. Slippery when wet. Loads in excess of 500 lb may damage your Horseshoe and/or your hitch, receiver and/or vehicle. Go to:

"War is the health of the state." - Randolph Bourne


     We are desperately looking for 100 lazy people who wish to make lots of money without working. We are not looking for people who are self-motivated. We are not looking for class presidents, beautiful people, career builders or even college graduates.  We don't even want union workers or trade school graduates. We are not looking for people who join every 'get rich quick' scheme offered on the internet.

     We want the laziest people that exist - the guys and gals who expect to make money without lifting a finger.  We want the people who stay in bed until noon. We want those of you who think that getting out of bed to go lay on the couch is an effort that is best not thought about.

     If you meet this criteria, go to: and type in the Subject Line the following words: "I do not want to work".  

     In fact, if you are so lazy that typing those words in the subject line is an effort, than don't bother.  Just click on the email and we'll know that you want us to send you the domain name anyhow, because then we will be absolutely certain that you are the kind of person we want.

     If you can get to the website that we are going to email you, you will be able to see we are not looking for a commitment from you and we don't even want your money. As a matter of fact, we don't even want you to hear from us again if the idea of making lots of money without working does not interest you.  So this is the first and last email we will ever send you.

     That is a promise. (So says Billy "Lazy" Bones)

"It is the duty of any given nation in time of high crisis to attack the catastrophe that faces it in such a manner as to cause the people to laugh at it in such a way that they do not die before they get killed." -  Lord Buckley


     Dr. Rob Riddle tells us that a Swiss guy looking for directions pulls up at a bus stop and finds two American tourists.

     "Entschuldigung," he asks, "Koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?"

     The two Americans just stare at him.

     "Parlez vous Francais?" he tries. The two continue to stare.

     "Parlare Italiano?" No response.

     "Hablan ustedes Espanol?" Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, disgusted. The first    American turns to the second and says, "Ya know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

     "Why?" says the other. "That guy knew four, and it didn't do him any good."

"SPQR means 'Senatus Populus Que Romanus' (The Senate and People of Rome) like we use 'USA'. In modern Italy those outside Rome use 'Sono Porci, Questi Romani' or "These Romans are Pigs." - Billy Bowles

2002 by Phil Proctor
MAY 25, 2002