Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 13

"It could be worse. I could be Sting." - Ozzie Osbourne on "The Osbournes"


THE PLANET LOSES ITS MASTER

     Planet Proctor's webmaster, Lew "Tiny Dr.Tim" Tebbetts, suddenly passed away Saturday last. His partner, Connie informed us that he had been sick the week before with a viral infection and apparently succumbed to a heart attack.

     "I really hope you can find someone to take care of your Planet Proctor," Connie says, "Lew spent many hours trying to make it just right so you would be proud of it.  It was probably the most fun he had."

     Lew was a terrific collaborator and it will be tough to find someone like him; but if any of you want to control a Planet


"Not all those that wander are lost." - J.R.R. Tolkien


WHO AM US ANYWAY?

     A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital, where she had a near death experience on the operating table. Coming face-to-face with God she asked, "Is my time up?"

"No, my dear," said God, "You have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."  

     Upon her recovery, knowing she had so much more time, she figured she might as well make the most of it. So she stayed on for a facelift, some liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even changed her hair color.

     After her last elective, she was released but while crossing the street to the parking structure, she was run  over by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years?  Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of that ambulance?"

     God replied, "I didn't recognize you"!


"[Alfred Hitchcock] pulled up his shirt to show me his belly button - which he didn't have. He'd had an operation and when they sewed him up, they took it away. His belly button was gone!" - Karen Black quoted in "Funny Times" by Jon Winokur


FORE-PLAY

 The Rules of Bedroom Golf.

  1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - one club & two balls.
  2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
  3. The object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.
  4. The club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
  5. Course owners reserve the right to measure the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
  6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
  7.  It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. Take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well-formed bunkers.
  8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
  9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
  10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled. particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
  11. Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. More experienced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
  12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
  13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the course owner's request.
  14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
  15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
  16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change.

(For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.)


"Myth when it's brand new is called truth." - Astronaut Edgar Mitchell in "Branches"


EAT THIS

     I went to school with Timothy Zagat and I don't recall that he ever rated the Riverdale cafeteria, but here's some unpublished (and unpublishable)  comments on restaurants submitted by consumers to the Zagat website...

     "Abandon tastebuds all ye who enter here! Duck must have had a long flight -- tired, tough and took 90 minutes to arrive. Wonder why there aren't any cats in Chinatown? Eat here. Dishes look like road kill; the Bronx Zoo with food, where you can eat the cast of 'Bambi'. How do you say 'loser' in Chinese? Should be renamed 'Barfing Dog.' Took a doggie bag home -- the dog refused it.

     "The look might be French but the staff is Martian. "Waiters just back from the Jihad. Be sure to sit in the no-shooting section. Today's special? Body Piercing. I've seen better service in a self-help gas station, but I have to praise them for hiring the mentally handicapped.

     "The immature eating the inedible. Gay Chuck E. Cheese. Where the boys can be girls and no one will notice. Like oh my Gawd, like can you believe how cool I am? "Hi, I'm obviously underage. Margarita, please." Portions so small I started laughing -- prices so high I started crying. Only an accountant could like it.

     "Slim's -- at least they got the name right. Also known as Ebola Cafe. Caught recycling wine not finished by diners. Eat the crayons; they taste like the calamari. Food is icky, tables are sticky, waitress has a hickey, stay home if you're picky. Tums, please. Wear black and bring Maalox. "

     (On the other hand...) "Food as good as an orgasm. Take your date here and you will be "closing" later that night. So romantic that wives feel like mistresses and vice versa. If this place doesn't get you laid, nothing will. Seductio ad absurdum."


"A glass of beer garnished with an olive is known as 'a poor man's martini.'"- Phil's Phunny Phacts


TO SCREW OR NOT TO SCREW...

     How many actors does it take to screw in a light bulb? 100 -- one to do it and 99 to say, "I could've done that." How many stunt men? Five. One to screw it in and four to tell him how bitchin' he looked doin' it. How many Superstar Actors? One - (They just hold it and the whole world revolves around them.)

     How many Directors? - "Just one more, guys, I promise."

     How many Agents? (Actually, agents will screw in just about anything.) How many Studio Executives? (We don't know. Light bulbs last longer than they do.) Executive Producers? (Executive Producers only screw in a hot tub.)

     How many Development Executives? "Well, first let's talk about the concept behind this whole 'light bulb' thing. I'll take notes while my partner screws it into the faucet. "

How many Screenwriters? "The bulbs IN, and it's staying IN!"

     Art directors? "Does it have to be a light bulb? I've got this neat candle holder..." Camera Assistants? Five: One to do it, and four to tell you how they did it on the last job. Wardrobe people? "Nobody said I needed doubles on that!" Film Editors? "If we change the light bulb, we'll have to change everything." And Sound Recordists? "...WHAT?"

     How many PA's? "One. No, two, no -- how many do we have on the truck?" 1st AD's? "Why the f--k are you asking me that question? Can't you see I'm busy?" Grips? "That's electric's job; but I'll hold it if you hammer it in."

And finally, Union Lighting Technicians -- "It's not a bulb, dufus, it's a globe."


"I would kill for this job, but the people I want to kill are offering me the job." - Woody Allen in "Hollywood Ending"


LIGHTS OUT...

     ...for  Dr. Hugh Hicks, at 79, a dentist whose obsession with electric lightbulbs  led to a museum of sorts in his Baltimore basement containing about 10,000 of his fabled collection of 75,000 bulbs. Rarities included Edison originals, a bulb from Ms. Liberty's torch, a dashboard light from the Enola Gay and headlamps from Hitler and Himmler's limos (say that 3 times fast).

     Also, Jon Delfin informs us that Joseph Lowenbach Steiner, a co-founder of the company that made toys like the "Easy-Bake Oven", died recently in a suburb of Cincinnati at 95. His remains were cremated with a 40-watt bulb.  (Jon added that last part.)


"There, but for the grace of God, goes God." - John Houseman on Orson Welles, from Tony Palermo in "Radiodrama Digest"


KNIT WIT

     My sister-in-law, Carole Peterson says that the airport security screeners forced a little old lady to open her carry-on bag after spotting something in the x-ray image. They found and confiscated a pair of knitting needles.  

     The LOL swore she was just going to do some knitting and would never hurt anyone with the needles, but the Security Supervisor told her, "Sorry. We can't take a chance that you might knit an Afghan."


"Revenge is not a payment of a debt, but rather a loan of violence to be returned with interest at some future date." - Tom Simmons in "Branches"


TRICK QUESTIONS!

(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

  1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
  2. Which country makes Panama hats?
  3. From which animal do we get catgut?
  4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
  5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?
  6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
  7. What was King George VI's first name?
  8. What color is a purple finch?
  9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

Check your answers below!


"I was at the Skirball Museum and spotted a sign by a conference room that read:  'Laughter Seminar cancelled due to a death in the family. Your money will be cheerfully refunded.'" - Michael Sheehan


WORKING OUT

Wayne Newitt forwarded us these resumes from "Fortune" Magazine:

     "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms. Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details. Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year. Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions. Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore. References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me. Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.

     "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades. Finished eighth in class of ten I was working for my mom until she decided to move. It's best for employers that I not work with people. Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far. My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage

     "Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job. The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers. I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse. Marital status: often. Children: various. Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."


"A man should not strive to eliminate his complexes but to get into accord with them. They are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world." ~ Sigmund Freud


TRICK ANSWERS
  1. How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
  2. Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
  3. From which animal do we get cat  gut? Sheep and Horses
  4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
  5. What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
  6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
  7. What was King George VI's first name? Albert
  8. What color is a purple finch? Crimson
  9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

"Abstinence makes the Church grow fondlers." - The Catholic Church


CURTAIN GOING UP

     I will be performing at the weekend NoHo Festival this Sunday in the Antaeus Academy's production of "Helen" by Euripides.  I play a befuddled Greek soldier in this rip-roaring sexy farce directed by the rip-roaring sexy Jeannie Hackett.  And it's Free! 5pm at the Lankershim Arts Center,  5108 Lankershim.

     And the re-energized production of Firesign Theatre's "Electrician" brilliantly erected by David Avcollie, is running down the street at The Players Space.. So run down the street to see it, or call 818.508-6612 for performance times.

     Also, tonight I and other Firesigns will be at the LAUGH.COM table to honor the late Uncle Miltie at the Friar's Club. I'll be stealing material to pass on to you all later...


"On one show I asked a young soap star how many minutes there were in a half hour...she said sixty." - Anne Robinson, nasty mistress of "The Weakest Link"


SIGHT THESE SITES

To take a true tit test -- http://www.avhumor.com/oskaflash/inter_silicon.swf

Joe Bevilacqua's "Barnaby & Max" -- http://www.comedyorama.com/index.html

NY Jazz news-- http://www.GothamJazz.com

April Winchell's Strange sex laws -- http://www.lectlaw.com/files/fun23.htm


"The integrity of the universe cannot be questioned." - The Science of Mind


PLANET PROCTOR
2002 by Phil Proctor
Published MAY 17, 2002