Planet
Proctor 2002 Volume 12
"Two Palestinian women walking down the street. One turns to the other, 'Does my bomb make me look fat?'" - John Meyer
THE GRAY CONSPIRACY
(Co-conspirator Patty Paul uncovered this somewhere):
Have you ever noticed that when you're of a certain age, everything seems uphill from where you are? Stairs are steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!
And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?
Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you just happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.
Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?
I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on, but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here!
All I can do is pass along this warning: Maturity is under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon "everyone" will have to suffer these awful indignities.
PS: I am sending this to you in a larger font size, because something has caused fonts to be smaller than they once were too!
THE DEATH OF RADIO -- AGAIN
Radio industry giant Clear Channel unveiled a brand new Radio innovation at a press conference earlier today. "This technology will put us at the forefront of today's radio landscape," Randy Michaels said, adding that "Radio will never be the same."
Michaels was discussing Clear Channel's experimental "Live disc jockey" system, where an actual human being sits in a studio, takes requests, plays music, and talks during programming breaks. Industry analysts say this new technology could be a big moneymaker for Clear Channel.
Another analyst predicted that the "live disc jockey" system will ultimately be profitable, but will experience growing pains, stating that: "Clear Channel can pull this off, but only with major cuts in other areas. Consultants and voice-trackers everywhere will lose their jobs. It's going to be a bloodbath."
The Society for Automation in Television, Internet and Radio Environments, or SATIRE, downplayed the day's developments.
"Live humans make too many mistakes," argued one SATIRE member who did not want to divulge his name, adding "I sure hope Clear Channel doesn't go through with this. It could mean the death of our industry."
<www.EdRyba.com>
"I hear Rodney King is now in drug rehab. Why can't we all just get high?" - Sheila Winston
THE REBIRTH OF RADIO
XM Radio's Dave Logan writes that a couple of months ago, XM submitted several entries to the New York Festival Awards which was instituted 44 years ago to honor excellence in communications media" "which touch the hearts and minds of readers, listeners and viewers worldwide." This year, 1,202 entries from 35 countries were submitted to the competition and guess who's in the running in the ADULT Programming category? No, not Carlin... *XM Comedy/Firesign Theatre/"Fools in Space" for Best Regularly Scheduled Comedy Program* Winners will be announced at a reception in New York on June 20th.
THE SOUND OF SIMPSON
(Homer Simpson's Beer Song)
"DOUGH... the stuff... that buys me beer
RAY... the guy that sells me beer
ME... the one... who drinks the beer
FAR... a long run to get beer
SO... I'll have another beer
LA... I'll have another beer
TEA... no, thanks, I'm drinking beer
That will bring us back to -- (sees his empty glass) -- D'OH!"
"Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you." - Mae West
IMPROPER CONDUCT
Bob Joles says that a band director was having a lot of trouble with one of his drummers. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but performance didn't improve. Finally, in front of the whole orchestra, he said,
"When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."
A whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."
"You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40; if it moves and shouldn't, use the tape." - Canyongirl
YOU GO, GIRL!!!
Jack "He's No" Angel sent me this "Guide to Hiring Women" for WWII male supervisors from the July 1943 issue of Transportation Magazine.
"There is no longer any question whether transit companies should hire women for jobs formerly held by men. The draft and manpower shortage has settled that point. The important things now are to select the most efficient women available and how to use them to the best advantage. Here are eleven helpful tips on the subject:
1. Pick young married women. They usually have more of a sense of responsibility than their unmarried sisters. They are less likely to be flirtatious because they need the work, or they would not be doing it; plus which, they still have the pep and interest to work hard and to deal with the public efficiently.
2. When you have to use older women, try to get ones who have worked outside the home at some time in their lives. Older women who have never contacted the public have a hard time adapting themselves and are inclined to be cantankerous and fussy, so it is always well to impress upon older women, the importance of friendliness and courtesy.
3. General experience indicates that "husky" girls -- those who are just a little on the heavy side -- are more even-tempered and efficient than underweight sisters.
4. Retain a physician to give each woman you hire a special physical examination (one covering female conditions). This step not only protects the property against a lawsuit, but reveals whether the employee-to-be has any female weaknesses which would make her mentally or physically unfit for the job.
5. Stress at the outset, the importance of time; the fact that a minute or two lost here and there makes serious inroads on schedules. Until this point is gotten across, service is likely to be slowed up.
6. Give the female employee a definite day-long schedule of duties so that they will keep busy without bothering the management for instructions every few minutes. Numerous properties say that women make excellent workers when they have their jobs cut out for them, but that they lack initiative in finding work themselves.
7. Whenever possible, let the inside employee change from one job to another at some time during the day. Women are inclined to be less nervous and happier with change.
8. Give every girl an adequate number of rest periods during the day. You have to make some allowances for feminine psychology because a girl has more confidence and is more efficient if she can keep her hair tidied, apply fresh lipstick and wash her hands several times a day.
9. Be tactful when issuing instructions or in making criticisms. Women are often sensitive; they cannot shrug off harsh words the way men do. Never ridicule a woman -- it breaks her spirit and cuts off her efficiency.
10. Be reasonably considerate about using strong language around women. Even though a girl's husband or father may swear vociferously, she will grow to dislike a place of business where she hears too much of this.
11. Get enough size variety in operator's uniforms so that each girl can have a proper fit. This point cannot be stressed too much in keeping women happy."
"As Orson Welles said, 'Police work is only easy in a police state.'" - Sam Longoria
IT'S A RAP
From Dean of Comedy Christopher comes this translation of Notorious B.I.G's "One More Chance (remix)" from the album "Ready to Die " --
"First things first, I poppa, freaks all the honeys/Dummies - playboy bunnies, those wantin' money/Those the ones I like 'cause they don't get nathan'/But penetration, unless it smells like sanitation./Garbage, I turn like doorknobs/Heart throb, never, black and ugly as ever./However, I stay coochied down to the socks/Rings and watch filled with rocks."
TRANSLATION: As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with women of all kinds, including but not limited to those with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and whores. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters with the latter group as they are generally disappointed in the fact that they only receive penile intercourse and nothing more, unless of course, they douche on a consistent basis. Although I am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in these types of sexual acts with some regularity. Perhaps my sexuality is somehow related to my fancy and expensive jewelry.
"And my jam knock in the Mitsubishi/Girls peepee when they see me,/Nava-hoes creep me in they teepee/As I lay down laws like I lay carpet/Stop it if you think your gonna make a profit."
TRANSLATION: I enjoy playing my music loudly on my car stereo. Apparently, women enjoy this also because they become sexually aroused when they see me driving. Oddly enough, when I visit the Native American reservations, some of the more sexually promiscuous Indian women attempt to seduce me in their homes. Their intent is to divest me of my earnings. Such actions are unacceptable.
"First I talk about how I dress and this/And diamond necklesses - stretch Lexuses/The sex is just immaculate from the back I get/Deeper and deeper - help ya reach the/Climax that your man can't make/Call and tell him you'll be home real late./Let's sing the break..."
TRANSLATION: I prefer to open the conversation with light banter about my wardrobe and jewelry, then I like to discuss my collection of expensive cars. This is more than enough to convince you to have sexual intercourse with me. I am able to insert my penis further into you when I enter you from behind. Furthermore, you will be able to reach orgasm. I understand this to be a problem with your current sexual partner. He needn't be concerned about your whereabouts. Please phone him and inform him that you won't be home for a while. By the way, please sing the chorus of the song for me also.
FROM THE OL' CYBER BAG...
"Leonard Maltin here... I've been meaning to drop you a note, because a few issues back (I'm always behind reading them) you mentioned a disc jockey who passed away, and noted that he'd invented characters with funny names like Niles Lishness. I don't know if others have mentioned this, but Niles Lishness was a Steve Allen name.
"I always loved it, so I asked him about it one day, and he told me it was the actual name of someone he'd known while growing up in Chicago.
It stuck with him and he just decided to use it later on. Now, THERE'S some useless information for you!"
Then, Brian Westley sent me this creepy RadioNow "Princess Goddess" email:
"Our aim is the 'resurrection' of actresses from the Golden era of silent cinema. To do this we are securing a large body of quality genetic material from a variety of sources which is subjected to rigorous testing to ensure its validity. Samples range from small tissue and blood samples to full bones and several preserved organs..."
http://www.bonetrade.com/sma/azindex.html
Finally, I found an item in the Times from a San Marcos medical courrier reporting the theft from his vehicle of "an ice chest containing human eyeballs"! Hey! Where were Porgie and Mudhead that night...?
SHOES FOR THE DEAD!
Also from FST webmaster Westley..."The archaeologist Dmitry Osipov studies medieval Russian footwear. This time he took an interest in ritual footwear used at funerals and now represented at an exhibition at the Museum of the Archaeology of Moscow.
"The shoes of the dead look like shabby slippers without a sole and a heel.They are very soft, without any hard lining.The shoes were not fixed on the foot and obviously were useless for walking..."
PLANET PROCTOR
© 2002 by Phil Proctor
Published MAY 10, 2002