Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 11

"We can't all be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by."
- Will Rogers


EAT ME!

   I recently played a CD-Rom character called "Crazy Boris" who claimed to have years of sandwiches stashed away somewhere on an abandoned Martian colony. Now, it appears he may not be so crazy after all, as The New Scientist reports development of an indestructible air-droppable "pocket" sandwich, designed to stay palatable for up to three years from the temperature of a warm summer's day to just above body temperature.
   Employing yummy fillings such as pepperoni and chicken with added substances called humectants, to stop water leakage (like Depends?) and avoid soggy bread, the sandwiches are then sealed in plastic pouches that include oxygen-scavenging chemicals to suppress yeast, mould and (Martian) bacteria. Soldiers who tried the pitas have found them "acceptable", oh boy, so the Army hopes to develop pocket pizzas, cream-filled bagels, breakfast burritos and peanut-butter sandwiches which, like dehydrated eggs, freeze-dried coffee and processed cheese, also created for the military, will likely turn up in stores.
   Yeah, Army Surplus.


"You will hear of wars and rumors of wars but see to it that you are not alarmed. Such things must happen, but the end is still to come . . . all these are but the beginning of birth pains."
- Matthew 24: 6-8


GESUNDHEIT!

*THE GEORGE W BUSH Virus: Causes your computer to think it won the election even though the motherboard and fatherboard bought it.
*THE AL GORE Virus: Causes your computer to just keep counting.
*THE CLINTON Virus: Gives you a 7-Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
*THE BOB DOLE or VIAGRA Virus: Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.


"If we don't grow by our mistakes then we can only be categorized as fools."
- AME Church Pastor, Cecil Murray


EAT MY VOLTS!

   Although L.A. still tops the list as "the smoggiest city", I now drive a 4-door Toyota Prius, the Official Car of Earth Day Network, and contribute less to the problem!
   The world's first mass-produced Hybrid features a gasoline-fueled internal combustion engine and a self-charging electric motor, is almost 75 percent cleaner than standard Ultra Low Emission Vehicles, is pretty and peppy, and sells for around $21,000.
   And speaking of money, AOL Time Warner, (who recently ate Rhino Records), just earned the dubious honor of "spilling more red ink than any company in U.S. corporate history" according to the L.A. Times, with a quarterly loss of over $50 billion! Thus, the world's most bloated media company lost more than "the annual gross domestic product of Ecuador, Croatia, Uruguay, Kenya or Bulgaria."
   (That's "on paper", of course, even though this report isn't . . .)
   And finally, in this century of paradoxical disparities, the N.Y. Times Thomas L. Friedman asks us to contrast reports that the biggest selling book in China these days is "Harvard Girl Yiting Liu" in which a mother shares her "scientifically proven methods" to get her teenager into college; while the Saudi ambassador in London, Ghazi Algosaibi, published a poem in Al-Hayat praising the Palestinian 18-year-old female supermarket bomber, stating, "You died to honor God's word."
   Uh-huh. In the beginning was the "Big Bang . . . "


"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning."
- Catherine Aird


A SIGN OF THE TIMES

   "We would rather do business with 1000 terrorists than with a single Jew!" said the sign, and it was prominently displayed in the window of a Philadelphia business.
   One would think that anti-hate groups from all across the country would be on the march and the Guard called to maintain order, but after all, we are a society who holds Freedom Of Speech as our greatest liberty.
   Still, you may be asking what business would dare post such a sign?
   Try -- "Goldberg's Funeral Home."


"Atty. Gen. John Ashcroft complains that [recent Supreme Court] rulings will make his prosecutions 'immeasurably more difficult.' But that's the point. It's supposed to be immeasurably difficult to prosecute people who have committed no crime."
- Geoffrey H. Kuenning, LA Times Letters


OH, BROTHER! . . .

   A young monk arrives at the monastery and is assigned to help the other monks in copying old texts by hand. He notices, however, that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts.
   So he goes to the head monk, pointing out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be perpetuated in all subsequent copies.
   "We have been copying from the copies for centuries," says the senior monk, "but you make a good point, my son." So he goes down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.
   Hours go by and nobody sees him. Finally, a brother goes downstairs and hearing sobs coming from the back of the cellar, he finds the ancient monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply, "The word is 'celebrate.' "


"You know 'that look' women get when they want sex? Me neither."
- Tom Clancy


PREGO - NO A MORE!

   That magical New Orleans couple, Harry and Elizabeth Anderson, couldn't help themselves:

When an Amsterdam jokes
And much laughter evokes
That's a Morey.

When Canadians roast
Marshmallows 'n' cocoa on toast,
That's s'more, eh?

When a stooge has some fun
With his radiation gun
- That's a Moe ray.

When Rebecca ain't cast,
And her career's in the past
- That's DeMornay.

Of a George we would say
Down by Mexico way
- That's a Jorge'.

When your Mexican boss
Says, "Chocolate goes in the sauce"
That's a mole'.


"Those eager few who have been thirsting for a movie about a homosexual gang rape of a clown need wait no longer."
-"Vulgar" reviwed by L.A. Times' Henry Sheehan


DON'T GET TESTY WITH ME

   More alleged Answers from teachers, submitted by Ivan Berger:
+ One horsepower is energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
+ When they broke open molecules they found them only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
+ While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
+ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.
+ Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to be oil.
+ We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
+ Rain is saved up in cloudbanks.


"This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating."
- G.W.B., NY Daily News


TELL 'EM PHIL SENT YA . . .

   I'm off to NYC for the weekend to see my daughter Kristin in the last performance of "Measure for Measure", but while I'm gone, you can amuse yourselves by visiting the following:
   For instance, firehead Dave Romm informs me that the Cab City Combo is offering a CD called "Cabbie Road" with a parody of the famous "Sgt. Peppers" cover, "and four of the people in it are the Firesign Theatre!"
   http://www.std.org/strubin/ccc/
   In ancient Rome, they used sponge sticks, French royalty once wiped with fine linen, and colonial Americans used corncobs. Now you can investigate the history of bathroom technology!
   http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/WolfFiles/wolffiles.html
   "I'm not sure if Adam and Eve ever got married, but nobody talks about that," some brilliant child of God observed according to Dr. David Walker; and if you want the latest dope on the Son of God, go to:
   http://www.jesusoftheweek.com/jesii/239/index.html


"Angels are always shown as being white, but the angels who saved me were all different colors."
- L.A. Riots trucker victim Reginald Denny on Today


PLANET PROCTOR
2002 by Phil Proctor
Published 5/8/02