WHAT'S SAT AGAIN?

   The following questions and answers were supposedly collated from SAT tests given to16-year-old students in Springdale, Arkansas. I frankly think these are brilliant answers and represent the kind of down-to-earth common sense that our nation needs!
Q: Name the four seasons - Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q: Explain a process by which water can be made safe to drink - Flirtation makes water safe by removing large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep, and canoeists.
Q: How is dew formed? - The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q: What is a planet? - A body of earth surrounded by sky.
Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? - The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Q: What are steroids? - Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Q: What happens to your body as you age? - When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? - He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. - Premature death.
Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? - Keep it in the cow.
Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? - The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The branium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U.
Q: What is the Fibula? - A small lie.
Q: What does "varicose" mean? - Nearby.
Q: What is the most common form of birth control? - Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section." - A district in Rome.
Q: What is a seizure? - A Roman emperor.
Q: What is a terminal illness? - When you are sick at the airport
Q: What does the word "benign" mean? - What you will be after you be eight.
Q: What is a turbine? - Something an Arab wears on his head.

THE WESTERN WAIL . . .

   A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau had an apartment overlooking the Western Wall and every day she saw an old bearded Jewish man praying vigorously. So she went down to the Wall, intent on interviewing him.
   "I see you at the Wall every day, sir. How long have you been doing that and what are you praying for?"
   The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning, I pray for world peace and for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea, and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth. And very, very important, I pray for peace and understanding between the Israelis and Palestinians."
   Deeply impressed, she asks, "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these wonderful things?"
   The old man replies, calmly, "Like I'm talking to a f**king wall."

HITS ME AGAIN, HARDER!

(Excerpts from musical artist Don Henley's letter to "Hits" magazine after they apparently superimposed his face into post-Grammy party photos . . . )

   Dear Loathsome Trade Hacks - I was terribly amused by your series of fantasy scenarios detailing my supposed crawl through all the post-Grammy "company store" parties. In truth, I opted for a quiet, candlelit dinner with my beautiful wife at a seaside restaurant. You see, I didn't want to attend any of those sumptuous bashes and be the guy who ordered that one extra glass of champagne that shifted the delicate balance and sent the industry careening over the edge into the abyss of total bankruptcy (although Sony's music group shows a profit of $203 million for this past fiscal year).
   In retrospect, though, I probably should have made the scene and kissed some record-company ass. Perhaps I could have gotten my own label deal. Maybe, while standing there admiring the ice sculpture filled with shrimp, I would have had an epiphany, seen the light and been converted: There is no God, there is no government, there are no individuals. There is only THE CORPORATION. The sovereign, almighty, world-governing Corporation-and we are all here to serve It.
   Having thus come to my senses, I, too, would then be able to sign fledgling artists to unconscionable, long-term contracts with all those juicy deduction clauses like the one for breakage that dates back to 1928, when the records were made of shellac and would shatter if dropped. Tried to break a CD lately? Why, you couldn't break one if you wedged it horizontally between Zach Horowitz's butt cheeks and told him that all his master copyrights were about to revert to the true owners, the artists. But never mind that now. Then I could stick those stupid artists with at least 50% of the independent-promotion costs, even though they had nothing to do with allowing that practice to become institutionalized. For an encore, I could whack 'em again with "free goods," packaging deductions, video costs, etc., etc., ad infinitum . . .
   In order to finally settle these escalating disputes between artists and the record companies with the dignity and class indicative of these times, I have come up with a plan. Hilary Rosen and I will engage in a bout of nude mud wrestling, which will be broadcast on that paragon of good taste, the Fox Network (if Fox doesn't want it, then we'll do it on The WB). If I win, she has to sleep with Zach Horowitz. If she wins, I have to purchase a lifetime subscription to HITS magazine and actually read it.
   Love and kisses, Don Henley
   PS: On the other hand, Don, you didn't get a goody bag, so you missed out on the leopard-skin bunny slippers and the deodorant hair spray! Ha-ha . . .

THE FOURTH ESTATE FOR RENT

   It pays to read the papers. Where else would you learn that Earth has more worms than humans? With only 6 billion souls, there are as many earthworms in about 175 square miles as there are people in the world.
   We learned after an expenditure of 7 years and $70 million that there was "no evidence of wrongdoing by the Clintons" in the Whitewater flap; "ropin', ridin', writin' and recordin' " cowboy singer-poet Wylie Gustafson, from the Washington town of Dusty (pop: 12), is suing "Yahoo" over the use of his yodel; a paralegal claims that a tape transcription quoted a plaintiff as seeing "an obscene jester" right before a crash, and in Delaware, local constabulary found a deceased man dead on his apartment floor with his 7 pets (Nile monitor lizards, one 6 feet long and 25 pounds), eating him.
   "They're alive and well,'' said SPCA director John Caldwell.
   Also in recent articles I learned that the largest ice shelf in Antartica has collapsed with "staggering" rapidity and 500,000,000,000,000,000 (quadrillion, if you're counting) tons disintegrated in under a month while the Alaskan Inuit people describe the recent warm weather there as "Uggianaqtuq" or "Like an old friend acting strangely."
   In Finland, two 70-year-old twin brothers were killed by trucks while riding their bikes miles apart on different highways, and you can get a chili cheese dog and a bottle of Dom Perignon at Barbey's Beanery in West Hollywood for $125.99.
   I learned, too, that we were recently side-swiped by a massive comet, males in Afghanistan are more likely to turn gay - "It's just that we can't see the women to see if they're beautiful; but we can see the boys . . .
   " And finally, Fred Wiebel, Jr. read that Patrick Penker was sentenced to nearly four years in prison and ordered to pay out almost $2 million in cash and property after using the name of the fictitious "Three Stooges" law firm "Dewy, Cheetum and Howe" in a bunko scheme to rip off credit card companies and casinos.
   Aren't you glad someone does the reading for you?

WILD ABOUT WILDER

   I'm partial to calves' brains, in spite of the risk of Mad Cow disease - after all, how would I know I'd caught it? - so I hope now that Billy Wilder is no longer around to order it at his favorite Beverly Hills haunt, Kate Mantilini's, they won't remove it from the menu!
   In articles chronicling his feisty life I learned that he sold his first script in Berlin, by hiding a part-time prostitute's john in his room when her boyfriend abruptly appeared. Billy recognized the guy as a famous film producer and offered him one of his scripts just as the irate man in the adjoining room screamed that he'd kill anyone he found with his girl. Holding the heavy script in his hand, the producer said, "I'll buy it. It feels like a good story."
   Other Wilderisms: "France is an interesting country. The money falls apart and you can't tear the toilet paper." Wilder also wrote the line attributed to Robert Benchley: "You must get out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini," in "The Major and the Minor" (1942); and when asked about his cinematic style, he said, "None of that shooting from the fireplace. Who's point of view is that? Santa Claus?"

ANOTHER WORLD

   My South Dakota pal, Brian Price, was flipping through last week's "Farm and Fleet" and found a few things "that you guys in Lala Land probably don't have, but from the sound of these things you're gonna want. So, let me know which of the following items you'd like me to pick up for you."

15-GALLON INDUCTION TANK $99.00
ELECTRICALLY OPERATED DIRECT VALVE $64.77
DISCHARGE HOSE (per inch) $0.59
SINGLE UNION BALL VALVE $14.99
ESTATE SPRAYER (trailer hitch sold separately) $199.00

MUM'S THE WORD?

   When Elizabeth, Queen Mother of England died at 101, Pico Iyer of Time Magazine noted that "at the end, she made royalty seem human and humanity downright regal."
   Some of the other comments gleaned from thousands of messages left by the common folk on "The Queen Mum's Board of Remembrance" may not be quite as eloquent, but they certainly offer some insight into the eccentric English character. For example, L. J. Worthington in Penrith wrote,"She was a marvelous woman, and a wonderful lover." While D. Holmes from Somerset adds, "I thought she would never die, she has let us all down very badly"
   "Perhaps if we automated her old golf buggy," suggests Y. Howell of Slough, "it could still drive around The Mall on its own and bring pleasure to the tourists."
   "She was one of us," sums up Harlow's L. Weller, "And by that I don't mean she perpetrated insurance fraud or lied about expense claims. She was like us in a good way. God bless you ma'am".
   But the most heartfelt tribute, I think, came from J. Clement of Grantham who rightly points out, "She was one of the old school; all the remaining royals are shits."