Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 09

"Telling the truth is the funniest joke in the world."
- George Bernard Shaw to Mark Twain

 CAN WE HALT HALLE?

   http://www.borowitzreport.com reports that millions of Americans who watched the Oscarcast were moved by the spectacle of the glamorous Halle Berry sobbing convulsively through an acceptance speech that often seemed to tread the delicate line between emotionalism and a psychotic break.
   But few suspected that weeks later the acclaimed actress would still be bawling her head off, unable to perform the simplest chores without sobbing uncontrollably.
   "Just yesterday, she'd scaled back to sniffling and gulping for air, which I thought was a good sign," said one of Berry's friends. "But then I asked her to pass the remote, and she lost it all over again."
   Berry's crying jag is also a cause for concern among those who manage her career, since her seeming inability to compose herself may limit the variety of film roles available to her in the years ahead. "Right now we're looking at roles that would involve Halle mourning, being very disappointed, or having something real heavy fall on her foot," one of Berry's agents said. "But there's not a lot out there."
   As interminable as Berry's crying jag may seem, it is still not the longest in Oscar history. That distinction belongs to actor Tom Hanks, who cried for eleven weeks straight after being named Best Actor for "Forrest Gump" in 1995.
   I may add that a letter by Diane Smith in the LA Times Calendar section suggests that "What Halle Berry should have said in her acceptance speech is that she is thankful she lives in a town where a woman who is beautiful, famous and black can flee the scene of an accident, pay a minuscule fine, do a mere 20 hours of community service, feign amnesia about the whole thing and still win an Oscar."
   Well to her credit, she did say, " I want to thank my lawyers . . . "

 "I wish 'Lord Of The Rings' had won Best Picture. I've waited my whole life to hear somebody REALLY say, 'I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible.' "
- Sam Longoria

 AND HE DIDN'T DROWN HIS KIDS

   According to a Reuters report, a Texas jury found Thomas Mitchell, 54, guilty of aggravated assault for shooting his girlfriend (who died from unrelated causes just before the trial) because he thought she was about to say -"New Jersey."
   Other words that triggered an uncontrollable rage included "Wisconsin," "Snickers" and "Mars"; and indeed throughout the three-day trial, he stopped his ears when he thought the words were forthcoming, causing witnesses to employ flashcards.
   In a statement Mitchell told police: "I had seen that word at my mom's house and then Barbara said what she said (and) I just snapped."
   Prosecutors contended that Mitchell was troubled but not crazy.
   Said one of the jurors, "Slowly I turned . . . "

 "Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm."
-Steven Wright

 QUAKER IN YOUR BOOTS!

   In a shocking series of surprise attacks, platoons of suicide commandos from a previously unknown group called The International Quaker Peace Offensive, have infiltrated Al Qaeda and Taliban positions throughout the Middle East and Afghanistan.
   Sowing death and destruction among battle-hardened Islamic terror cells, the black-hatted, buckle-booted warriors have detonated suspender-bombs inside fundamentalist strongholds, killing themselves along with hundreds, possibly thousands, of enemy fighters.
   Their dark beards and unfashionable, colorless clothing apparently made it easy for them to blend in among their targets unlike expensively trained Western special forces, who stick out like sore thumbs anywhere east of Weehawken, NJ or west of Santa Monica, CA.
   "Peace is fine, ja, ja, ja. But enough, already. Verily, it was time to act," said Yoder "Yoda" Lamm, commander of the ultra-militant John Woolman Brigade, a clandestine Quaker death squad. "God is love, but He also wreaketh His vengeance," he explained in his secret command silo somewhere between Ephrata and Reamstown, PA.
   What about the centuries-old Quaker commitment to non-violence; to turning the other cheek? Was that a ruse designed to lull the world into overlooking Quaker toughness? After all, these are rugged folk, accustomed to life unadorned by electricity, plumbing or e-mail; sinewy men able to raise a barn in one afternoon. "Ach, we are indeed a gentle folk. But that meaneth not that we are wusses. I guess we finally ran out of cheeks to turn."
© 2002 by Dean Christopher

 "For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the great and enduring alliances of modern times."
-GW Bush, Tokyo, Feb 18, 2002
(image borrowed from gwbush.com)

LAUGHTER NO LONGER BEST MEDICINE

   Laughter, long thought to be the best medicine, has been surpassed in popularity by two widely used antidepressants, Prozac and Zoloft, according to a just-released market study paid for by the pharmaceuticals industry. But even as the pharmaceutical giants trumpeted news of their latest study, laughter's defenders rushed to challenge the report's credibility.
   "Any study that's paid for by the big drug companies is suspect, in my book," said Joey McSwain, proprietor of Joey's Gag-a-torium, a novelty store specializing in the sale of joy buzzers, whoopee cushions, and fake vomit. "And even if laughter's third best, so what?" said McSwain. "At least you don't have to forge a prescription to get it."
(From "The Borowitz Report" - listen Sunday mornings to NPR's "Weekend Edition".)

"I'm not in this business to fix you, because you're not broken."
- Rev. David Walker, L.A. Church of Religious Science

WHEN CLOWNS GO BAD

(Signs You Got the Wrong Magician-Clown for Your Kid's Birthday Party)

~ Wears a T-shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
~ Business cards include the phrase, "From the Mind of Stephen King."
~ Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world."
~ Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
~ Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
~ Prefaces each trick with, "Here's a little number I learned in the joint."
~ More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
~ Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
~ All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
~ Ran out of balloons, but twists your dachshund into other animal shapes.
~ By party's end, he's got every darn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
~ Those huge ears look too darn lifelike, and he ends the act showing charts and complaining about the national deficit.
~ Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device.
(Thanks DR JOHN)

"An international contingent of clowns is planning a trip to Afghanistan to teach the country's people how to laugh again."
- Newsflash from ananova.com

BANG ON!

   Jack Blessing "blew me away" with this supposed NPR interview:

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL: I don't see how. We'll be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

(The radio went suddenly dead.)

"I like to do flats, but I'm trapped by what people want - and they want heels! It all comes back to sex, even if it's just mental sex."
- Designer Manolo Blahnik

 ASS-ICONS

• (_!_) your ass
• (__!__) fat ass
• (!) tight ass
• (_*_) sore ass
• {_!_} a swishy ass
• (_x_) kiss my ass
• (_X_) leave my ass alone
• (_zzz_) tired ass
• (_^!^_) wise ass
• (_E=mc2_) smart ass
• (_?_) dumb Ass
• (_$_) money coming out of his ass

 "In literature as in love, we are astonished at what is chosen by others."
- Andre Maurois

 FINALLY! BIG BUCKS!

   (A forwarded "highly confidential" message from Robert Clotworthy on how to make some fast cash. Keep it under your turban . . . )
   Attn: Dear partner - With emotion laden and sense of humour and depression I write you this mail. I got your contact through internet when I was searching for a trustworthy partner to assist me perform this confidential project. Please I would only like to deal with you like my own parents for obvious reason based on the information I gathered about you through internet.
   I am sankoh, ahmed the son of mr. Foday sankoh who has been an opposition leader in sierra leone as a result of some serious misunderstanding between my father and the present government of sierra leone.
   However, unluckily to the family, my father was arrested on the 17th of may 2000 by the loyal troops Oo president ahmed tijan kabah and was charged for warcrime accordingly. Howbeit, two weeks before his arrest, he received the sum of $30,000,000.00 (thirty Million usd) and some ammunition/weapons from the government of saudi arabia.
   Following the pandemonium state/civil war in the country, the family and some of the loyal troops of my Father were being sheltered in the secret strong bunker made by my father by the side of the largest river at the out-skirt of the lower part of the country where part of the money to the tone of $13,000,000.00 (usd) and most of the weapons and ammunition were secretly kept.
   Finally, i was able to bring the money in two trunk boxes along with my brother to a nearby country called cote d'ivoire through the help of a fisherman and was able also to deposit the content $ 13.000.000.00 with one of ivorian local called bank of africa.
   Please, now i need your assistance to transfer the money to your foreign bank account, as the organization of african unity (o.a.u) has given order to frozen the bank accounts of all coup plotters, rebels or their immediate family, threrefore all what you should do at the first place is to open two bank accounts and send me all the details of that accounts for an immediate transaction of this funds.
   Please as soon as you assist me perform this project the sum of $2.000.000.00 usd. will be offered to you for your assistance. Thanks very much for anticipated co-operation. Best regards, Sankoh ahmed. Tel:0022507635885

(Don't bother; I already got this covered! Just waiting for my check . . . )

"Debra Winger was the voice of E.T. and the sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in jelly."
- Phil's Phunny Phacts

Phil's "Signs of the Times"

Which bus . . . ?
captioned by Tiny Dr. Tim

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2002 by Phil Proctor
Published 4/14/02