Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 08









"We're in the process of becoming something different than we used to be."
- Hoosier Futurist Gregory Rawlings;


   At my mother's memorial in Goshen a few weeks ago, her minister Alan Griffin of the First Presbyterian Church observed: "One day at the age of eighty, John Quincy Adams met a friend while taking a walk on a Boston street. 'Good morning,' said the friend, 'And how is John Quincy Adams, today?'
   " 'Thank you,' replied the ex-President. 'John Quincy Adams himself is well, quite well; but the house in which he lives at the present is becoming dilapidated; it's tottering upon its foundations, time and the seasons have nearly destroyed it. Its roof is pretty well worn out, its walls are much shattered; the old tenement is becoming almost unlivable and I think John Quincy Adams will have to move out of it soon. But, he himself, is well, quite well.'
   "That is just what has happened to Audre. Her body - the house she has lived in for 87 glorious years - has finally worn out. But Audre, her love of people and family, her faith and character and joy still live on. Audre is well, quite well, for she is now at home with God."
   Donations in her memory can be made to the church at 215 East Lincoln Ave, Goshen, IN 46528-3347, to any of the fine charities for the blind and for research into a cure of macular degeneration which literally destroyed her career as a freelance typist-editor.
   One of the most fascinating facts I learned from my Aunt Bonnie was that mom and dad got together because they had both appeared in school productions of a play called "Smilin' Through" and met to compare experiences! For more about my mom's Amish-Irish ancestry, read "Rosanna of the Amish" available at

  "Giver of life, lay down to rest, in peace forever within my breast."
- From my voice-over pal, Danny Mann


   A spurious piece about the questioning of Oliver North at the Iran-Contra hearings is going e-round, so here are the real facts:
   "Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security system?" a senator asked.
   "Yes, I did, Sir," he replied. (It was actually $16,000.)
   "Isn't that just a little excessive?"
   "No, sir, " answered North.
   "No? And why not?"
   "Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir."
   "Threatened? By whom?"
   "By a terrorist, sir," Ollie answered.
   "Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?"
   "His name is Osama bin Laden, sir." (He actually cited Abu Nidal)
   "And what do you recommend we do about him?"
   "Well, sir, if it was up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth."
   The senator, who is said to have disagreed - was NOT Al Gore. And thank Allah, he wasn't even wearing a beard at the time.

   "If a terrorist is simply trying to spread his religion, maybe we can just consider them 'Tali-bangelists' ".
- Paul Thielen


   A giant Mr. Potato Head given to an English town by its U.S. sister city had an arm torn off and his hat banged up in an attack by children, AP reported. Dressed as early English settler William Blackstone, Mr. Potato Head was sent to Belper last May as a goodwill ambassador from Belper's sister city of Pawtucket, R.I., headquarters for the toy's manufacturer, Hasbro Inc. Almost immediately, he became a source of controversy.
   "We've had a call from a tourism company in Rhode Island who want to take him on a tour of America,'' Whitworth told Belper Today.
   Well, I say - send him to "Toy Story's" Pixar!

   "The scandal in the Catholic church has exposed a weapon of Mass distraction."
- Phil's Phunny Phacts


   Also according to the AP. Mikhail Gorbachev told a Columbia University audience on Monday that by the time he rose to power, with Soviet satellites in space, the ruling politicians "were discussing the problem of toothpaste, the problem of detergent, and they had to create a commission of the Politburo to make sure that women have pantyhose." Gorbachev said perestroika spun out of control after Boris Yeltsin took over in 1991.
   "It is chaos that Putin inherited. Chaos in the economy, chaos in the social sphere, chaos in the federation, chaos in the army, chaos everywhere. Today is our last hope. If it fails, we could see a very difficult situation in Russia," Gorbachev said.
   X-Rated President Richard Nixon's most recently released tapes reveal his support of the good old USSR because they didn't tolerate gays or pot use. He went on to say, "You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for legalizing marijuana is Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists."

   "We've tripled the amount of money - I believe it's from $50 million up to $195 million available."
- President G.W.B., Lima, Peru, March 23, 2002


   "Sir, you are an apogenous, bovaristic, coprolalial, dasypygal, excerebrose, facinorous, gnathonic, hircine, ithyphallic, jumentous, kyphotic, labrose, mephitic, napiform, oligophrenial, papuliferous, quisquilian, rebarbative, saponaceous, thersitical, unguinous, ventripotent, wlatsome, xylocephalous, yirning zoophyte."
   Translation: "Sir, you are an impotent, conceited, obscene, hairy-buttocked, brainless, wicked, toadying, goatish, indecent, stable-smelling, hunch-backed, thick-lipped, stinking, turnip-shaped, feeble-minded, pimply, trashy, repellent, smarmy, foul-mouthed, greasy, gluttonous, loathsome, wooden-headed, whining, extremely low form of animal life."
(From Take A Break)

[Go to next column to continue reading]

   "Liberals feel unworthy of their possessions; Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen."
- Mort Sahl


   In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:

(a) Norwegians from Ballard
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:

(a) A pizza delivery boy
(b) Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:

(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2"
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

In1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:

(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's "female" problems
(c)The WWF to promote its next villain, "Mustapha The Merciless"
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

On 9-11, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:

(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.

   Hmmm, can we see a pattern?
(Allen Starczyk from Marc Cashman)

   "Birds are like cigarettes. Once you have one, you will have them for the rest of your life."
- Afghan bird-seller Khodadost, LA Times


   A Denver Disc jockey named Jay Mack attracted listeners with a large cast of improvised comedic characters. He died recently at the age of 64. According to an AP release:
   "Mack worked at KIMN-AM in its heyday in the 1960s, luring listeners with such make-believe characters as Niles Lischness, Farley McCloot and Betty Jo Bialoski."
   Everyone knew her as . . . Nancy.

   "If you're a psychic, do you get nervous if someone from the other side calls you collect?"
- Phil Proctor


   Voice-over and "Rugrats" compadre Joe Alaskey writes that when he started work on the animated internet series "TimberWolf", Chuck Jones spoke of two of his favorite mentors, Mark Twain and Marc Chagall.
   "When a lull arose in the conversation, I, miserable punster that I am, dared to ask: 'So I guess you'd give them both high marks, huh?' to which he answered, without missing a beat: 'Yeah, and I guess they'd give me a Hi, Chuck!' "

   "What do you call a person obsessed with trivia? An infomaniac."
- Tony Nelson


   My darling, talented daughter, Kristin, will be seen on stage soon in the Acting Shakespeare Company's debut of Shakespeare's "Measure For Measure" directed at RADA last year by Nona Shepphard. Previews start on my daughter's birthday, April 16th and it runs - for three weeks only - until May 5th, at 45 Bleeker Downstairs at Lafayette, Tuesday through Friday at 8PM; Wednesday matinee April 23rd/31st - Sold Out); Saturday at 5PM & 9PM; Sunday, April 21st & May 5th at 6PM; Sunday April 28th at 3PM & 7PM.
   Tickets are $19, call TicketMaster at (212) 307-4100. For more info call (212) 253-9983 or visit http://www.

   "I'm craving the warmth that the spotlight can't provide; that's the problem."
- David Letterman


   We lost Dudley at 66, but his comic genius will live on; and it was most likely a relief to his spirit, suffering as he was of the degenerative disease progressive supranuclear palsy.
In a career of over 30 years, Moore won Tony awards, a Grammy, two Golden Globes, and an Oscar nomination. I was happy to have known him personally in the 70s.
   "I understand that one person in 100,000 suffers from the disease," he said, "and I am also aware that there are 100,000 members [SAG], who are working every day . . . therefore, it is in some way considerate of me that I have taken on the disease for myself, thus protecting the remaining 99,999 members from this fate."
   But in a later interview for the BBC he admitted, "Yes, I feel angry, that's true, to be reduced to this insignificant version of myself is overpowering."
   At least now he can be reunited with Peter Cook. And maybe the late, great Milton Berle will show "Derrick and Clive" his famous schlong.

   "In belated recognition of my current mental agility, The National Veggie Association has named me a Living Legume. I was informed of this by pea-mail!"
- Writer Gary Belkin


* (What it says)
* (Aluminum Radio Hats!)


Phil's "Signs of the Times"

cafe_oz.jpg (19728 bytes)

I don't think we're in Kansas anymore . . .
(actually Paris, The Latin Quarter)
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim

2002 by Phil Proctor
Published 3/31/02