A
MOVING DAY
At my mother's memorial in Goshen a few weeks ago,
her minister Alan Griffin of the First Presbyterian Church observed: "One day at the
age of eighty, John Quincy Adams met a friend while taking a walk on a Boston street.
'Good morning,' said the friend, 'And how is John Quincy Adams, today?'
" 'Thank you,' replied the ex-President. 'John Quincy Adams himself is
well, quite well; but the house in which he lives at the present is becoming dilapidated;
it's tottering upon its foundations, time and the seasons have nearly destroyed it. Its
roof is pretty well worn out, its walls are much shattered; the old tenement is becoming
almost unlivable and I think John Quincy Adams will have to move out of it soon. But, he
himself, is well, quite well.'
"That is just what has happened to Audre. Her body - the house she has
lived in for 87 glorious years - has finally worn out. But Audre, her love of people and
family, her faith and character and joy still live on. Audre is well, quite well, for she
is now at home with God."
Donations in her memory can be made to the church at 215 East Lincoln Ave,
Goshen, IN 46528-3347, to any of the fine charities for the blind and for research into a
cure of macular degeneration which literally destroyed her career as a freelance
typist-editor.
One of the most fascinating facts I learned from my Aunt Bonnie was that mom
and dad got together because they had both appeared in school productions of a play called
"Smilin' Through" and met to compare experiences! For more about my mom's
Amish-Irish ancestry, read "Rosanna of the Amish" available at www.mph.org |
"Giver of life, lay down to
rest, in peace forever within my breast."
- From my voice-over pal, Danny Mann |
O,
SAMA, WHERE ART THOU?
A spurious piece about the questioning of Oliver North at the Iran-Contra
hearings is going e-round, so here are the real facts:
"Did you not recently spend close to $60,000 for a home security
system?" a senator asked.
"Yes, I did, Sir," he replied. (It was actually $16,000.)
"Isn't that just a little excessive?"
"No, sir, " answered North.
"No? And why not?"
"Because the lives of my family and I were threatened, sir."
"Threatened? By whom?"
"By a terrorist, sir," Ollie answered.
"Terrorist? What terrorist could possibly scare you that much?"
"His name is Osama bin Laden, sir." (He actually cited Abu Nidal)
"And what do you recommend we do about him?"
"Well, sir, if it was up to me, I would recommend that an assassin team
be formed to eliminate him and his men from the face of the earth."
The senator, who is said to have disagreed - was NOT Al Gore. And thank
Allah, he wasn't even wearing a beard at the time. |
"If a terrorist is simply
trying to spread his religion, maybe we can just consider them 'Tali-bangelists' ".
- Paul Thielen |
MR.
POTATO HEAD MASHED
A giant Mr. Potato Head given to an English town by
its U.S. sister city had an arm torn off and his hat banged up in an attack by children,
AP reported. Dressed as early English settler William Blackstone, Mr. Potato Head was sent
to Belper last May as a goodwill ambassador from Belper's sister city of Pawtucket, R.I.,
headquarters for the toy's manufacturer, Hasbro Inc. Almost immediately, he became a
source of controversy.
"We've had a call from a tourism company in Rhode Island who want to
take him on a tour of America,'' Whitworth told Belper Today.
Well, I say - send him to "Toy Story's" Pixar! |
"The scandal in the Catholic
church has exposed a weapon of Mass distraction."
- Phil's Phunny Phacts |
WAY
BACK IN THE USSR
Also according to the AP. Mikhail Gorbachev told a
Columbia University audience on Monday that by the time he rose to power, with Soviet
satellites in space, the ruling politicians "were discussing the problem of
toothpaste, the problem of detergent, and they had to create a commission of the Politburo
to make sure that women have pantyhose." Gorbachev said perestroika spun out of control after Boris Yeltsin
took over in 1991.
"It is chaos that Putin inherited. Chaos in the economy, chaos in the
social sphere, chaos in the federation, chaos in the army, chaos everywhere. Today is our
last hope. If it fails, we could see a very difficult situation in Russia," Gorbachev
said.
X-Rated President Richard Nixon's most recently released tapes reveal his
support of the good old USSR because they didn't tolerate gays or pot use. He went on to
say, "You know, it's a funny thing, every one of the bastards that are out for
legalizing marijuana is Jewish. What the Christ is the matter with the Jews, Bob? What is
the matter with them? I suppose it is because most of them are psychiatrists." |
"We've tripled the amount of
money - I believe it's from $50 million up to $195 million available."
- President G.W.B., Lima,
Peru, March 23, 2002 |
WHAT
DID THAT MAN SAY?
"Sir, you are an apogenous, bovaristic,
coprolalial, dasypygal, excerebrose, facinorous, gnathonic, hircine, ithyphallic,
jumentous, kyphotic, labrose, mephitic, napiform, oligophrenial, papuliferous,
quisquilian, rebarbative, saponaceous, thersitical, unguinous, ventripotent, wlatsome,
xylocephalous, yirning zoophyte."
Translation: "Sir, you are an impotent, conceited, obscene,
hairy-buttocked, brainless, wicked, toadying, goatish, indecent, stable-smelling,
hunch-backed, thick-lipped, stinking, turnip-shaped, feeble-minded, pimply, trashy,
repellent, smarmy, foul-mouthed, greasy, gluttonous, loathsome, wooden-headed, whining,
extremely low form of animal life."
(From Take A Break) |
[Go to next column to
continue reading]
|
"Liberals feel unworthy of
their possessions; Conservatives feel they deserve everything they've stolen."
- Mort Sahl |
SHOW
ME YOUR PROFILE
In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Norwegians from Ballard
(b) Elvis
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy
(b) Crazed feminists complaining that being able to throw a grenade beyond its own burst
radius was an unfair and sexist requirement in basic training
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather
2"
(b) The Tooth Fairy
(c) Butch and Sundance who had a few sticks of dynamite left over
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
In1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's "female" problems
(c)The WWF to promote its next villain, "Mustapha The Merciless"
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
On 9-11, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wiley E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd
(b) The Supreme Court of Florida
(c) Mr. Bean
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.
Hmmm, can we see a pattern?
(Allen Starczyk from Marc Cashman) |
"Birds are like cigarettes.
Once you have one, you will have them for the rest of your life."
- Afghan bird-seller Khodadost, LA Times |
WHAAAAAT?
A Denver Disc jockey named Jay Mack attracted
listeners with a large cast of improvised comedic characters. He died recently at the age
of 64. According to an AP release:
"Mack worked at KIMN-AM in its heyday in the 1960s, luring listeners
with such make-believe characters as Niles Lischness, Farley McCloot and Betty Jo Bialoski."
Everyone knew her as . . . Nancy. |
"If
you're a psychic, do you get nervous if someone from the other side calls you
collect?"
- Phil Proctor |
NO
MORE AMORE, BUT . . .
Voice-over and "Rugrats" compadre Joe
Alaskey writes that when he started work on the animated internet series
"TimberWolf", Chuck Jones spoke of two of his favorite mentors, Mark Twain and
Marc Chagall.
"When a lull arose in the conversation, I, miserable punster that I am,
dared to ask: 'So I guess you'd give them both high marks, huh?' to which he answered,
without missing a beat: 'Yeah, and I guess they'd give me a Hi, Chuck!' " |
"What do
you call a person obsessed with trivia? An infomaniac."
- Tony Nelson |
KRISTIN RULES
My darling, talented daughter, Kristin, will be seen
on stage soon in the Acting Shakespeare Company's debut of Shakespeare's "Measure For
Measure" directed at RADA last year by Nona Shepphard. Previews start on my
daughter's birthday, April 16th and it runs - for three weeks only - until May 5th, at 45
Bleeker Downstairs at Lafayette, Tuesday through Friday at 8PM; Wednesday matinee April
23rd/31st - Sold Out); Saturday at 5PM & 9PM; Sunday, April 21st & May 5th at 6PM;
Sunday April 28th at 3PM & 7PM.
Tickets are $19, call TicketMaster at (212) 307-4100. For more info call
(212) 253-9983 or visit http://www.
actingshakespeare.org. |
"I'm
craving the warmth that the spotlight can't provide; that's the problem."
- David Letterman |
MOORE
I CANNOT SAY
We lost Dudley at 66, but his comic genius
will live on; and it was most likely a relief to his spirit, suffering as he was of the
degenerative disease progressive supranuclear palsy.
In a career of over 30 years, Moore won Tony awards, a Grammy, two Golden Globes, and an
Oscar nomination. I was happy to have known him personally in the 70s.
"I understand that one person in 100,000 suffers from the disease,"
he said, "and I am also aware that there are 100,000 members [SAG], who are working
every day . . . therefore, it is in some way considerate of me that I have taken on the
disease for myself, thus protecting the remaining 99,999 members from this fate."
But in a later interview for the BBC he admitted, "Yes, I feel angry,
that's true, to be reduced to this insignificant version of myself is overpowering."
At least now he can be reunited with Peter Cook. And maybe the
late, great Milton Berle will show "Derrick and Clive" his famous schlong. |
"In belated
recognition of my current mental agility, The National Veggie Association has named me a
Living Legume. I was informed of this by pea-mail!"
- Writer Gary Belkin |
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