Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 07

HAPPY SAINT PET TRICK'S DAY

   Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,"Father, my dog is dead. Could ya be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?"
   Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not, we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for it."
   "I'll go right away Father." said, Muldoon. "Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
   Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

"Al Qaeda announced that it was building a wheelchair ramp at the entrance of its cave and President Bush immediately denounced it as an "access of evil."
- Jon Delfin

MORE GRANNY WINNERS!

Paul Simon - "50 Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon - "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"
Rick Dees - "Disco Deaf"
The Temptations - "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Give me Arthritis"
ABBA -"Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Vicki Lawrence - "The Night the Lights Went Out for Georgia"
Grand Funk - "We're an Alzheimer's Band"
Procol Harum - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
(Thanks to Old Ron Smith)

"The source of all humor is not laughter but sorrow. There is no laughter in Heaven."
- Mark Twain

ALERT STREET PATRICK!

   Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere.
   "Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
   After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted and awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, and a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
   At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.
   **Please! Forward this to every male you know**

"I bet people would enjoy bowling more if they'd cut out the ball and pins part and increase the drinking part."
- Mark Torrente

BAN THE BANS

   According to Disney animation/V.O. artist, Merritt Andrews, who forwarded me the actual newspaper articles, the following persons were joined in absurdity by marriage recently:
   Butts-McCracken, MacDonald-Berger: Aikin-Johnson, Weener-Whipple, Pullen-Wood, Wacker-Dailey. Gowen-Getter! Fears-Johnson, Drinkwine-Layer, Busch-Graber. Peters-Rising, King-Woody, Filler-Quick, Fillinger-Goode, Kuntz-Dick! Dunnam-Favors, Wendt-Adaway . . .
   What, no Sigret-Smoken?

"Country music is three chords and the truth."
- C&W songwriter Harlan " I Fall To Pieces" Howard

DO-IT-YOUSEFF

   Allah willing, you have just received a Taliban virus. Since we are not technologically advanced in Afghanistan, this is a MANUAL virus. Please delete all of the files on your hard drive yourself and send this e-mail to everyone you know. Thank you very much for helping me in my efforts to destroy decadent western civilization.
   Allah be praised - Mullah Mujaffa, Taliban IT Manager

"I see some movies with my kids; and I think, 'You can have your money, just give me the time back.' "
- Pixar's John Lassiter

SARTRE'S "NO AXIS"

   The ground war in Afghanistan heated up yesterday when the Allies revealed plans to airdrop a platoon of crack French existentialist philosophers into the country to destroy the morale of Taliban zealots by proving the non-existence of God.
   Elements from the feared Jean-Paul Sartre Brigade, or 'Black Berets', will be parachuted into the combat zones to spread doubt, despondency and existential anomie among the enemy. Hardened by numerous intellectual battles fought during their long occupation of Paris' Left Bank, their first action will be to establish a number of pavement Cafes at strategic points near the front lines. There they will drink coffee and talk animatedly about the absurd nature of life and man's lonely isolation in the universe.
   They will be accompanied by a number of heartbreakingly beautiful girlfriends who will further spread dismay by sticking their tongues in the philosophers' ears every five minutes and looking remote and unattainable to everyone else. (continued next column)

However, humanitarian agencies have been quick to condemn the operation as inhumane, pointing out that the effects of passive smoking from the Frenchmen's' endless Gitanes could wreak a terrible toll on civilians in the area.
   Speculation was mounting last night that Britain may also contribute to the effort by dropping Professor Stephen Hawking into Afghanistan to propagate a non-deistic theory of the creation of the universe. Other tactics to demonstrate the non-existence of God will include the dropping of leaflets pointing out the fact that Michael Jackson has a new album out and Jesse Helms has not died yet.
(Source denied)

"Peace, Tolerance, Love of Science and Sexual Freedom."
- The Alien Philosophy of The Raelian Society

HEY, STELLA!

   In 1994, a New Mexico jury awarded $2.9 million in damages to 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who suffered third-degree burns by spilling a cup of McDonald's coffee on herself, inspiring the annual "Stella" award for the most frivolous lawsuit. Here are a few recent candidates submitted by Jim Reynolds:
   * Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $780,000 after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running amuck inside a furniture store. It was her own son.
   *19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord while he was stealing his hubcaps.
   *Terrence Dickson was escaping through the garage of a Bristol, Pennsylvania house he had just robbed while the family was on vacation, but due to a malfunctioning automatic door opener, was trapped as the door back into the house had also locked. He survived for over a week on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food and then sued the homeowner for "undue mental anguish". The jury doled out half a million dollars.
   *Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. It was less than sought since the jury felt the pet may have been provoked when Williams shot at the chained animal with a pellet gun in the owner's fenced-in yard.
   *Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses from the owner of a nightclub when she fell from the bathroom window and knocked out her two front teeth trying to avoid the $3.50 cover charge.
   But - the makers of Dorothy Johnson's microwave were found not liable for the death of her poodle after she attempted to dry it after a bath by putting it in for just a few minutes "on low."

S'MORE AMORE

(This time blame fellow actor/V.O. artist Nick "Drink Me" Jameson )

When your phone's off the hook
And at Penthouse you look
That's a porn day

When that gangsta doc's shaved
From his head to his nave
That's a shorn Dre

When a guy favors boys,
Plays with little girls' toys,
That's a born gay

When old congressman Hatch
Goes and grabs him some snatch,
That's a Orrin lay

When a guy ain't the boss
And is pissed at the loss -
That A. Gore, eh?

"Only members of the Executive Branch have been assigned [to Bush's bunker government]. Bush has already decided that, if nuclear war comes, he won't need Congress or the Supreme Court."
- Tribune columnist Bill Press

MOM'S THE WORD

   My mother's service this week in Goshen was very moving thanks to the minister of the First Presbyterian Church, Alan Griffin.He's promised to send me the text of his memorial and I look forward to sharing it with you all next orbit. Thanks for your kind personal messages. For more on my trip, see <http://goshennews.com>
   Other, less important people also passed away recently, like Robert L. Chapman who according to the Los Angeles Times: "Regrettably, unfortunately, lamentably and mournfully . . . is deceased, demised, departed and dead at 81. The son, boy and male offspring of a West Virginia typewriter mechanic, Chapman once drove trucks, then studied poetry and medieval literature before editing the timeworn, antiquated, irreplaceable Roget's International Thesaurus."
   Also, on the death of animation genius Chuck Jones, according to planeteer Dylan, a local newscaster closed his story by adlibbing, "I don't think he would mind me taking the opportunity to say, 'That's all folks.' " To which the witless co-anchor added mistily, "Yeah . . . and 'What's up, Doc?' Remember that?"
   Isn't that what Bugs said first time he had Viagra?

"Deep down I'm really very shallow"
- Chuck Jones

BUT WHO'S COUNTING?

   Most Americans can count to ten in another language, but this site, lists numbers in over 4000 languages: <http://www.zompist.com/numbers.shtml>

Phil's "Signs of the Times"

Where I get my Smoge serviced.
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim

PLANET PROCTOR
© 2002 by Phil Proctor
Published 3/17/02