Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 05

"All the world's a stage, and there's still no work."
- Eddie Lawrence


   Jack Angel tells us of a man who asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. So, on her birthday morn, he awoke her bright and early and whisked her off on a surprise trip to a local theme park.
   What a day! He put her on every ride - the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything! And five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach inside out - straight to a McDonald's, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
   Then, off to a movie (the latest "Star Wars" epic) with hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi, Jordon Almonds and Red Vines. What an adventure!
Finally, they wobbled home and fell into bed where he leaned over lovingly and asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened.
   "You idiot! I meant my dress size!"
   (The moral? Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.)

"Nothing is more depraved than to love one's wife as if she were a mistress."
- Plato's Symposiums


   Take your girlfriend's father on a weekend overnight fishing trip, steal his undershirt and wear it on your next date. She's yours!
   In an article entitled "Eau de Dad" by Helen Pearson in the Nature News Service, it's been revealed (just in time for V-Day) that women are more strongly attracted to the "l'odeur d'un homme" who smells similar to, but not TOO similar to - her father, except in parts of the deep South, of course. So falling in love with you has everything to do with genes, not just how good she looks when you get her out of hers.
   Participants in the project at the University of Utah, "Developed an increased level of camaraderie that was hard to explain," according to Dr. David Berliner in Time magazine. But when the test skin odor extracts were removed, the group stopped smiling and flirting with each other. Hmmm. Something smells . . .
   "Men are more likely to feel strong emotions toward women if they've just exercised, been insulted or listened to comedy routines."
- "Booster Shots" by Rosie Mestel, L.A. Times Health Section


   From Sci-fi author Spider Robinson, the last word on "Amore"?

When-a you swim inna da sea,
an a eel bites-a your knee,
dat's a moray!

A New Zealander man
with a permanent tan,
that's a Maori!

When two patterns combine,
in a way serpentine,
that's a moiré!

He's a clown, He's a ham,
His last name's Amsterdam,
That's a Morey

If yer vitamins be
mostly C, D, and E . . .
take some more A!

Oh, you play 'What I say'
very gay - won't you play
that some more, Ray?

With the high price of feed,
it's for farmers in need,
that's some more hay.

My new ray gun, here,
tries to put out both your eyes:
It's a Moe-Ray!

If "King Kong" has gone flat,
rent the flick "Vampire Bat",
That's some more Wray . . .

   And finally, we can only hope, - from that crazy Canuck Danny Mann:

When Othello's poor wife,
Gets stabbed with a Canadian knife,
"That's a Moor, eh?"

"Viagra is made and marketed by Pfizer, but it should have been by Upjohn."
- Garry Margolis


   Cathryn Conroy reports for CompuServe that when digging through the dust and rubble of the shattered south tower of the World Trade Center, photographer Gary Gere and FDNY safety director Michael Bellone found an intact page from the Book of Genesis on which was writ:
   "Then they said, 'Come, let us build ourselves a city, with a tower that reaches to the heavens, so that we may make a name for ourselves and not be scattered over the face of the whole earth.' "

"In the long run, we are all dead."
- Economist Lord Maynard Keynes


   An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
   A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
   An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
An auditor is someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.
   A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
   A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000-word document and calls it a "brief."
   An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.
   A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
   A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
   A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
   A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.
   A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
   A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.
   A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
   A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
(Thanks to Hamilton Camp)

"Walt Disney was afraid of mice."
- Phil's Phunny Phacts

Once there was a monster, similar to Scotland's Nessie, who lived in the London's Thames River. It terrorized the city's inhabitants, until one day, those who were true and brave enough gathered together and slayed the beast and in order to deal with the "landfill" of suddenly fresh meat, they ground its carcass into spicy German sausages.
   Soon thereafter, a young man named Charles Dickens, then a cub reporter on The Times, wrote an article. The headline read:
   "It Was The Beast Of Thames; It Was The Wurst Of Thames!"

"No Mimes Aloud!"
- Chris Caracci


   Melinda and I saw a lot of theatre last week, including a brilliant revival of Sondheim's "Into the Woods" and stand-out performances by our Antaeus compatriots J.D. Cullum in "Making it" by Joe Hortua and Dakin Matthews as Arnolphe in Moliere's classic, "School for Wives."
   And in the South Coast Rep's program notes, translator Ranjit Bolt says:"There's a story about Simon Gray, who went to see a play of his in Germany, and in one scene a character came onstage covered from head to toe in plaster.
   "So Simon Gray turned to the director and said, 'What the hell is going on? Why is he covered in plaster?'
   "The director said, 'It says in the text: "He comes in completely plastered." ' "

We also very much enjoyed a free-wheeling production of the Firesign Theatre's "Waiting For The Electrician or Someone Like Him" by a very talented cast of three guys and two gals at the Player's Space in North Hollywood, brilliantly directed by David Avcolle. The company is hoping to stage more Firesign material and if any of you out there are interested in doing the same, contact me for the rights!
   This week we'll be seeing the latest Antaeus production, Alercon's "Proof of the Promise", in another sprightly translation by Dakin Matthews at the Secret Rose, 11246 Magnolia Boulevard (Thurs-Sun til March 3rd). Call 818.506-8462 for reservations.

"Talent scares people"
- Elaine Stritch in The NewYorker


   And also from CompuServe's Conroy, a report that two English scientists have presented what they believe to be the world's oldest fossilized vomit from a Jurassic Age ichthyosaur, a large flippered marine reptile resembling a fish with a long head and tapered body, "that ate something really bad about 160 million years ago."
   They found the ancient whoops in a North England clay quarry and say, "This is the first time the existence of fossil vomit on a grand scale has been proven beyond reasonable doubt."
   (Last one turned out to be fossilized rubber vomit from a Jurassic Joke shop.)

"I cried because I had no shoes, until I saw a man that had no feet. He had already detonated his."
- Magic Mike


   The Washington Post's annual word-meaning contest produced these gems:

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), when you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), a proctologist's dignified demeanor right before he gives you the finger.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul ends up on the roof.
To which Roger Steffens adds:
Sustoned (adj.) Kept going by drugs.

"Happy birthday, total stranger, happy birthday to you!"
- Singing waiters in the "Nose Room" at NYC's Trattoria D'Arte restaurant


   We lost a fake queen and a real princess recently, "Sheena, Queen of the Jungle" - the ravishing Irish McCalla, so tall at 5'9 1/2, that stunt men had to double for her wearing leopard skins and blond wigs; and the broken-hearted Princess Margaret, thwarted in her desire to marry a commoner.
   When Irish tired of signing autographs, according to her obit in the L.A. Times, she'd say, "Sheena not used to civilization."
   And finally, sincere condolences to Hamilton Camp and Jeannie Hackett for the recent loss of loved ones.

"I want to be freed from Allah. I don't want to wear a veil at all. I want to wear miniskirts."
- Afghani 18-year-old Mashal, quoted in Time magazine


Phil's "Signs of the Times"
usatoday.jpg (20566 bytes)

But 50˘ for USA Today?
captioned by Tiny Dr. Tim

© 2002 by Phil Proctor
Published 2/17/02