Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 04

"Eat, Drink and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Be Morman."
- Winter Olympics bumper sticker.


   Bitter after being snubbed for membership in the "Axis of Evil," Libya, China and Syria today announced they had formed the "Axis of Just as Evil," which they said would be way eviler than that stupid Iran-Iraq-North Korea axis President Bush warned of his State of the Union address. Axis of Evil members, however, immediately dismissed the new axis as having, for starters, a really dumb name.
   "Right. They are just as evil . . . in their dreams!" declared North Korean leader Kim Jong-il. "Everybody knows we're the best evils -- best at being evil . . . ah, we're the best."
   Diplomats from Syria denied they were jealous over being excluded; "They told us it was full," said Syrian President Bashar al-Assad. "An Axis can't have more than three countries," explained Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "This is not my rule, it's tradition. In World War II you had Germany, Italy and Japan. So you can only have three. And a secret handshake. Ours is wicked cool."
   Cuba, Sudan and Serbia said they had formed the Axis of Somewhat Evil, forcing Somalia to join with Uganda and Myanmar in the Axis of Occasionally Evil, while Bulgaria, Indonesia and Russia established the Axis of Not So Much Evil Really As Just Generally Disagreeable.
   With the criteria suddenly expanded and all the desirable clubs filling up, Sierra Leone, El Salvador and Rwanda applied to be called the Axis of Countries That Aren't the Worst But Certainly Won't Be Asked to Host the Olympics; Canada, Mexico and Australia formed the Axis of Nations That Are Actually Quite Nice But Secretly Have Nasty Thoughts About America; while Spain, Scotland and New Zealand established the Axis of Countries That Be Allowed to Ask Sheep to Wear Lipstick.
   "That's not a threat, really, just something we like to do," said Scottish Executive First Minister Jack McConnell.
   Israel, meanwhile, insisted it didn't want to join any Axis, but privately, world leaders said, that's only because no one asked them.
(Edited from -- sent by Peter Van Norden and two others)

   "I don't want to see America again."
- J.W. Lindh Email to his Mom


   "Their superstition exposes them to the rapacity and tyranny of a numerous priesthood and a host of wandering TALIB-UB-ILMS who correspond to the theological students in Turkey, live free at the expense of the people. More than this, they enjoy a sort of "droit de seigneur" and no man's wife or daughter is safe from them . . .
   "As Macaulay has said of Wycherly's plays, 'They are protected against the critics as the skunk is protected against the hunters.' " This from a young Winston Churchill, 1898, in his memoir "The Story of the Malakind Field Force"
   He also wrote: "A single glass of champagne imparts a feeling of exhilaration. The nerves are braced, the imagination is agreeably stirred, the wits become more nimble. A bottle produces a contrary effect . . . So it is with war, and the quality of both is best discovered by sipping."

   "Work is something you don't like to do."
- Broadway caricaturist Hirshfeld


   John O' Riley was a member of an Irish Toast Masters Club, where a regular contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast, and one evening John won with: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."
   When O' Riley arrived home, his beautiful wife asked him how the Toast Masters meeting went and he said, "I won the contest for the best toast of the evening - 'Here's to the best years o' me life, spent in Church wi' me wife.' "
   The next morning, the flattered Mrs. O' Riley was downtown shopping and ran into the local policeman, also a member of the club. "Good day, Mrs. O'Riley," he said, "That was some prize toast your husband John gave at the meeting last night."
   "So he tells me," said Mrs. O' Riley, "but he wasn't quite honest with the facts. He's actually only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

   "If it doesn't make you horny, it's not art."
- Playwright/actor Sam Shepard


   M-LAW, the Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, sponsors a Wacky Warning Label Contest to reveal how concern over potential lawsuits has led to a need for common sense warnings - like this winner for a CD player: "Do not use the Ultradisc 2000 as a projectile in a catapult."
   Second place distinction went to a fireplace log warning, "Caution-Risk of Fire."
   And third place, found on a box of birthday candles, was: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity."
   Past winners include a label advising consumers not to use a handheld massager while sleeping or unconscious, not to eat laser printer toners, to avoid spraying deodorant into your eyes, not using a wind-proof beach towel in a hurricane, advice that bicyclist shin pads won't protect "any body part they're not covering", a prescription for sleeping pills warning it "may cause drowsiness" and one of the best of all time on a baby stroller: "Remove child before folding."
(WARNING: Source Unknown)

   "You can't learn anything except from eccentrics. It has something to do with their getting your attention in the first place."
- Late UCLA art teacher, Mary Holmes


   According to happy Dutch researchers at Rotterdam's Erasmus University, moderate intake of adult beverages, already thought to prevent heart attacks and strokes, can also delay the onset of Alzheimer's Disease. One to three glasses of beer, wine or hard liquor a day stimulates release of a memory chemical in the brain called "acetylcholine"; but when you can no longer pronounce that word, you've had enough.
   In a like vein, over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast implants and Viagra than is spent on Alzheimer's research. Thus, by the year 2030, there will be a large number of people wandering about with huge breasts and erections, who can't remember what to do with them.

   "The future is inevitable and precise, but it may not occur."
- Jorge Luis Borges


Jim Reynolds sent me a lexicon of auto brand names explained:

AUDI: Another Ugly Deutsche Invention BMW: Brings Me Women
FIAT: Failure in Italian Automotive Technology (or Fix It Again, Tony)
FORD: Fast Only Rolling Downhill (or Found Off Road Dead)
SAAB: Shape Appears Ass-Backwards
HYUNDAI: Hope You Understand Nothing's Drivable And Inexpensive
SUBARU: Screwed Up Beyond All Repair, Usually
VOLVO: Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
PORSCHE: Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything
GM: God's Mistake. (If anyone wants proof, I give them the side-terminal battery. There is a special place on the seventh level of Hell reserved for the person who came up with that one.)

   "How am I driving? Call 1-800-EAT SHIT"
- Real L.A. bumper sticker


   Respected critic Leonard Maltin responded to Richard Fish's story of Orson Welles on the Jack Benny radio show that he remembered a bogus commercial on "Fibber McGee and Molly" for: "Capistrano Root Beer, where the swallows come back."

   And Voice-over whiz Rodger Bumpass sent some "More Amore":

When you see a big eel
That wants you for a meal
That's a Moray.

When you do what you do
Just like everyone, too,
That's a 'More'.

When Canadians sing,
"There's additional things",
That's 'some more, eh?'

   To which the equally shameless Paul "Barstow 2008" Willson added:

When your sole fails to please,
Cause it's missing the cheese
That's sans Mornay.

   "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam."
- Cape Cod T-shirt, from Jack Angel


   On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went to comfort her 95-year-old grandmother who revealed that he'd suffered a heart attack while they were making love on Sunday morning. Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two almost 100-year-old seniors having sex at any time was asking for trouble.
   "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells rang. It was just the right rhythm; nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
   She paused, wiped away a tear and continued, "And if that friggin' ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!

   "It was the perfect marriage. She didn't want to, and he couldn't."
- Spike Milligan


   Single, brown, kangaroo, very male, seeks single, female kangaroo to hop around, make kangaroo babies and share green bushes. Hobbies include hopping, chewing on green stuff and hopping. Age not important. Must be a kangaroo, enjoy hopping and green stuff. Serious inquiries only.
- From Hophead Z. Bongo Davis

   "Love is the only game not called on account of darkness."
- M. Hirshfeld


   Saddest death: Marjan, the one-eyed Afghani lion who died of old age at 23 in the devastated Kabul zoo. Blinded and disfigured by a grenade thrown by the revengeful brother of a Taliban fighter killed when he climbed into the cage to prove his courage, Marjan had nonetheless survived "a king, a coup, Soviet occupation, communist rule, mujahadeen battles, the Taliban and a U.S. bombing campaign" according to the L.A. Times.
   The strangest death: a reclusive 40-year-old Robert Eric Burnett, passed away in his Philadelphia apartment and was not discovered for three years. His mummified body was discovered after the residence was auctioned off for non-payment of property taxes even though a pile of unopened mail inside the front door contained an uncashed check for $30,000.00 left to him by his deceased mother.
   We also sang a fond farewell to the sultry Peggy Lee, of whom it was said by songwriter Alan Wilder, "She had a voice like a streetwalker. You'd walk past, but if you ever stopped, you'd never leave . . . "
   And Avery Schreiber's packed memorial was full of laughs and tears as we all rejoiced over his life and spirit. "I'm a little nervous," said his son Josh, "I've never spoken at my Dad's memorial before."

   "If you're going to lay an egg, make it brightly colored and . . . for God's sake, fresh!"
- Ave to Avery Schreiber


Phil's "Signs of the Times"
pawn.jpg (27850 bytes)

The "New" Enron?
captioned by Tiny Dr. Tim

2002 by Phil Proctor
Published 2/11/02