Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 03

"Wisconsin's Finest Taxidermy and Cheese"
- Store sign


   Voice-mistress Mickie McGowan wrote me concerning the Screen Actors Guild being 2-3 months in arrears for distribution of residual checks, dashing off this trenchant ditty inspired by "Trees" (upon which money doesn't grow) . . .

    I think that I shall never see
    A big residual check for me.
    A check that makes my spirits soar,
    With six digits - maybe more,
    'Cause those at SAG (Whose wage we pay),
    Sit on their asses every day. "

"Today's K-Mart Blue Light special: Pink Slips!"
- Hank Rosenfeld


   John G. Schmitz, the ultraconservative firebrand and former Orange County lawmaker, died at age 70 last year.

   His career highlights included membership in the John Birch Society; loss of the presidency by a mere 44 million votes as the 1972 American Independent Party nominee; his 1982 press release titled "Senator Schmitz and His Committee Survive 'Attack of the Bulldykes'", describing feminist attorney Gloria Allred as "a slick, butch lawyeress"; his apology to Allred to settle a $10 million defamation suit; his announcement of his 1982 candidacy for the U.S. Senate with Yasser Arafat at his side; revelations that the staunch critic of "declining American morals" and father of six also had two more kids with a mistress; and revelations that his then-35-year-old daughter Mary Kay LeTourneau, a Seattle schoolteacher, had sex - and later two babies - with a 13-year-old boy.

All in all, a wonderful life!

"Nua-Eabhrac - Irish for "New York."
- Phil's Phunny Phacts


   What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A female news anchor turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"

He had to leave the set as did half the crew because they were laughing too "hard"!

(From George Cratcha)

"Though the president is commander in chief, Congress is his commander in chief; and God willing, he shall obey . . . This is not a government of kings . . . but a government of the people . . . "
- Rep. Thaddeus Stevens, 1867

Editor's Note: See also Thaddeus Stevens.


   LodesTone CEO Richard Fish writes: "Orson Welles subbed for Jack Benny on Jack's show when Jack was ill, ca. 1943. To the astonishment of the cast, Orson stopped in the middle of the show to call the sponsor.

   "He suggested they change their product from a box of Grape-nuts Flakes into one giant 14-ounce flake. Hanging up, he turned to the audience and said, 'Ah, I feel much better now. I've taken my mind for its daily romp.' "

   Then, comic writer-performer Hank Rosenfeld writes that his e-pal Gerry Fialka who's really into media guru Marshall McLuhan, says that ENRON really means "End of Ron" - the Reagan years, that is . . .

   And my daughter, Kristin, writes that her pal Jim Borger told her that the Pick-Four Massachusetts Lottery on New Year's Eve came up "2-0-0-2." The pot was in excess of $680,000 - but un-FORTUNE-ately,1,577 people played that number, so they only got $280 apiece.

"At the Friars Club in Beverly Hills you can order THE PROCTOR, described as 'Hot Sliced Pickled Beef Tongue'. It follows THE ABBOT and THE PRYOR.
- Phil's Phunny Phacts


   George Carlin and his secret F.A.R.T squad would be proud to learn that Department of Defense officials have asked researchers to create a universally offensive odor that can be used for, among other things, crowd control.

   The non-lethal "odor bomb" is said to smell like rotting garbage, human waste and burning hair. Tests show the putrid odors "are potent in making people want to flee in disgust, and cause shallow breathing, increased heart rate and nausea." Just like bad movies.

   Another area of smelly research involves body odors, "because we thought those had the best chance of being recognized universally," says researcher Pamela Dalton, Ph.D. Chemist George Preti, Ph.D., has spent 30 years investigating such smells as underarm odor, bad breath and "fish odor syndrome," a genetic disease called trimethylaminuria, devastating to people with extreme cases. They can smell like fish regardless of how many times they bathe or change clothes. (Don't tell our cats . . . )

By Marvin Coyner "Chemical & Engineering" -

"Worry is the byproduct of indecision."
- Quincy Jones


   In the latest "Isabella" catalogue offering items to aid us "as we journey to the essence of our being", you can order a Goddess Drum with Drum Hanger, an Acca Kappa Body Massage Brush, Foot and Hand Cozys, Zafu Cushions in purple and sage, Victorian Vanilla Bath Salts, Guardian Space Clearing Spray, Labyrinth Mouse Pads, Sacred Woman Body Potion, Muse Bowls, a Zen Alarm Clock, Companion Pillows and Comfort Hearts, Smudging kits (not recommended for pregnant women) Birch Bark Boxes, Salt Lamps, Totally Soaked Soy Foot Baths, Frog Bowls, a Sterling Pagoda Shell Pendant, Bath Balls, T-Wave Laundry Discs with Tsunami Papaya Enzyme and - a laser Pet Toy for kitty. Go to: <> and "live with intention."

"Don't spend an arm and a leg for a new breast."
- L.A. Plastic surgeon's radio ad


   The experts have just announced that the universe most likely began with a big" baby boom" of stars, not the traditionally accepted dark, empty space which some crazee guys perpetuated in "I Think We're All Bozos On This Bus."

   "Quite surprisingly, the finale came first," said Bruce Margon from the Boston institute overseeing the Hubble bubble-bursting Telescope.

"The fireworks ran backwards. It's not exactly what would have be predicted."

And speaking of new discoveries, Fizer Corp. has announced that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form suitable "straight up" or as a mixer and marketed by Pepsi Cola and not 7-Up as rumored, under the name "Mount And Do".

Pepsi's proposed campaign is: "Pour Yourself a Stiff One."

"The original name of Pepsi-Cola was Brad's Drink."
- Phil's Phunny Phacts


   Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
   A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . . . don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
   Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
   A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.
   Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?
   A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.
   Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
   A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
   Q: What are the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
   A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain - Good.
   Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
   A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
   Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?
   A: Thicker gravy.
   Q: Will sit-ups help me from getting a little soft around the middle?
   A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
   Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
   A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans . . . another vegetable. It's the best feel good food around! I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Now, have a cookie . . . flour is a grain!

   "Heat on Nozzel when Wind Blowing."
- Dryer Instructions at Brandon Cottage, Killarney State Park, Ireland


. . . to change a light bulb?

*Charismatics: Only one. Put your hands down.
*Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
*Presbyterians: None. Lights will go on and off at predestined times.
*Roman Catholic: None. WE accept candles only.
*Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad.
*Episcopalians: Three. One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.
*Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.
*Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
*Methodists: Undetermined. Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb.Church wide lighting service is planned for Sunday. Bring bulb of your choice and a covered dish.
*Nazarene: Six. One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.
*Lutherans: None. Lutherans don't believe in change.
*Amish: What's a light bulb?
(Forwarded by Michael Packer, author unknown)

"Eat, Drink and Be Merry, For Tomorrow You May Be Morman."
- Proposed bumpersticker for the Winter Olympics in Utah.


   An article in Popular Science refers to the premise in Pixar's"Monsters, Inc." that energy can be culled from cuddly kids' screams to power Monstropolis. so, exactly how many children DOES it take to power a light bulb?
   Robert Keolian, a Penn State professor of acoustics, says "A good scream can produce 1/1000th of a watt of energy. So theoretically . . . a group of 100,000 children screaming at the top of their lungs could power a 100-watt bulb." If the bulb doesn't shatter first!
   In fact, there is a "thermoacoustic refrigerator being experimentally developed for a U.S. Navy destroyer in which sound-driven gases move through porous solids and oscillate . . . " creating real energy.
   As we stumble forward into the world of the Twenty-Farce Century, other potential energy-sources might include the following:
   Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour, but if you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. And if that coffee made you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, you would create enough gas to match the energy of an atomic bomb.
   And while we're on the subject of a bad science infection, here are some other enlightening factoids: Some lions mate over 50 times, a pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes but only humans and dolphins have sex for pleasure. Furthermore, the male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body, so the female initiates sex by ripping his head off while a cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death. Polar bears are left-handed. A flea can jump 350 times its body length, akin to a human jumping a football field, but elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
   Finally, Astronomers at the Johns Hopkins University have determined that the average color of the universe is pretty close to pale turquoise, although a little bit greener.

"We are not in the imperfect tense (Dawn was saying), or the present (Dawn says) or the historic present (Dawn said). We are in a kind of marijuana tense (Dawn saying), creamy, wandering, weak-verbed."
- Martin Amis in "The War Against Cliche'"


When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife
That's a Moor, eh?

When a Japanese knight
Used a sword in a fight
That's Samurai.
(Author Unknown)

Sholem Aleichem tells the story of a Jewish soldier brought up on charges of not firing at the enemy. "But I never saw the enemy," he says, "I just saw people."
- From Kenneth Turan's review of "No Man's Land".

Phil's "Signs of the Times"
pp02.03pic.jpg (16731 bytes)

Just the place I'd stay on my F   in vacation!
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim

2002 by Phil Proctor
Published 02/03/02