Planet Proctor 2002 Volume 02

 

"Humor is just another defense against the universe."
- Mel Brooks


LESS IS MORE, MORE OR LESS

  Dear Planeteers: This year I will attempt to send out s'more Planets in a shorter form; hope you enjoy.


  "Great books are wine. My books are water. But everybody drinks water."
- Mark Twain


THIS KILLS ME!

  Yes, it's the Martin Luther King, Jr. Holiday, and by now I hope you all have seen the gaffe read round the world. My pal Paul Eiding was the first to alert me of it.

  A plaque produced by Texas' Merit Industries intended to honor actor James Earl (Darth Vader and Mufasa) Jones in Lauderhill, Florida, honored King's assassin instead, stating: "Thank you James Earl Ray for keeping the dream alive."

  Merit's owner, Herbert Miller, called the mistake "a copy error . . . We have a lot of people who don't speak English. Accidentally, one of the girls who doesn't know James Earl Jones from a man on the moon accidentally typed James Earl Ray." Uh-huh.


"Sometimes the majority only means that all the fools are on the same side."
- Michael W. Smith


I'M ALL CHOKED UP

   The international press had a field day with the latest Presidential mishap from the son of the man who threw up on, who? The president of Japan? Any "who", my favorite comment as reported by Marjorie Miller in the L.A. Times, comes from the French saying that the event resulted from "Americans' complicated relationship with food." Excusez moi???

   The English were perhaps closer to the truth when they commented:"This is exactly the sort of accident that befalls Homer Simpson, night after night."

   And of course, the Germans evoked the "5-gram rule" which states that one should never try to talk "with more than 1.75 ounces of food in one's mouth." (If one is trying to speak GERMAN, that is.) "Even in his wildest dreams, bin Laden couldn't have managed what one tiny pretzel did one weekend," rhapsodized Der Berliner Zeitung.

   But the Russians had the best overall explanation of G.W.B.'s couch-potato-chip mishap by writing in the daily Gazieta (Newspaper):"Bush's organism, although weakened and unconscious, managed to cope with the indisposition. The organism first rejected the pretzel but later swallowed it and digested it without mercy."

Hmmm. Sounds like his reaction to the ENRON debacle . . .


"I saw a woman in her SUV in a parking garage, listening to self-help tapes and trying to work up enough courage to get out of her car."
- Phil's Phunny Phacts


THE REAL BUT TWISTED TRUTH

   In a hand written communique' released today, an organization calling itself the Pretzel Liberation Front claimed responsibility for Sunday's suicide attack on President Bush. "No longer will knotted bread foods suffer at the hands (and mouths) of the infidel aggressor!" it read.

   Since Bush's appointment as president, intelligence services have worked to disrupt the formation of a possible United Front of objects that Bush is known to put in his mouth, fearing the type of success achieved by the suicide pretzel on Sunday.

   "We've had operatives for years working in the underground pizza industry, and we have been able to stave off several attempts on the president by steaming hot sausage slices," said one intelligence source close to the president.

   "But by far the most dangerous threat to the president that exists right now comes from the ultra-fundamentalist Shiny Objects Brigade," who are funded by a group of mythical Zoroastrian clerics.

   "We've had 14 incidents of the President choking on nickels and/or quarters since the events of Sept. 11th," another secret source claimed. "Granted, that's down from the same period last year when he was still governor of Texas, but we're taking no chances."


"That was so funny! What software did you use?"
- asked of Pixar's John Lassiter


HE SHE-IT?

What if English was a gender-specific language?

SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
PENLIGHT: Male, because it can be turned on very easily, but isn't very bright.
TIRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it; and, of course, there's the hot air part.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
COPIER: Female, because once turned off it takes a while to warm up;it's an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed but look out if you push the wrong ones.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years but is handy to have around and is good for killing bugs.

(From Jim Reynolds, author unknown)


"Bless your little Irish heart and every other Irish part."
- A Celtic blessing


SYMPHONY IN EAT SHARP

   The First Vienna Vegetable Orchestra consists of nine musicians and a cook; and for the grand finale' of each one-hour "smorgasbord of sound", writes The Washington Post, "They eat their instruments."

   The tasty assortment of carrot flutes, turnip trumpets, celery sticks with eggplant cymbals and rustling parsley and greens are tossed into an on-stage pot as the concert progresses, to be stirred, "rhythmically, of course," by the cuisine-art conductor.

Then after a "finale' of loud pureeing", listeners and musicians alike eat 'em up.

I hope they add Beano, or the encores could go on all night . . .


"I got a sweater for Christmas. I wanted a screamer or a moaner."
- From Screamin' Marc Cashman


BOZOS ON A ROLL

   In a review in the LA Times by Jonathan Levi of David Mamet's new novel "Wilson: A Consideration of the Sources", ostensibly written several hundred years from now after a calamitous "computer crash caused by the Cola Riots or the fire at Stop'n'Shop . . . ", is the following:

   "Reading 'Wilson' is difficult because it is rarely clear why Mamet chose the words or paragraphs he did. It seems as if every word, every paragraph, every sermon, diatribe, midrash, bad joke, good joke, doggerel, ditty, proverb, beatitude, headline and footnote that hadn't made it into his classic 'Glengarry Glen Ross' or 'American Buffalo' or the film 'Homicide' was unspooled by some latter-day Krapp (of Beckett's 'Krapp's Last Tape' fame) whittling away at a hard drive with a pair of box cutters and then reconstructed by the Firesign Theatre."

   And in the latest health-oriented issue of TIME, a header asks "Can We Learn to BEAT THE REAPER?"
   Then, Ben Steelman wrote in the Wilmington, No. Carolina Morning Star:

   " 'Your brain may no longer be the boss!' the four comics of Firesign Theatre declared a generation ago, and finally Hollywood believes them. How many movies this season have revolved around characters confused by the difference between reality, dream or illusion? Let's see: Mulholland Dr., Vanilla Sky, Memento - and now A Beautiful Mind . . . "

KOCE, Los Angeles, will re-air "Weirdly Cool" Saturday, March 30 at 10 pm.


"The history of comedy is not well understood, because it wasn't taken seriously."
- Aristotle's "Poetics" from satirical smart guy, Bob Harris


IS THIS THE END?

  • *USA Today: WE'RE DEAD!
  • *The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS
  • *National Enquirer: O. J. and NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN!
  • *Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE
  • *Microsoft Systems: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE
  • *Sports lllustrated: GAME OVER . . .
  • *Wired: THE LAST NEW THING
    *Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR
  • *Readers Digest:'BYE
  • *Discover: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?
  • *TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSEN RATINGS SOAR!
  • *Ladies' Home Journal:Lose 10 Pounds by Judgment Day with our "ARMAGEDDON IT OFF" Diet!
  • *America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 10 MINUTES.
  • *Inc. Magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE
  • *Microsoft's Web Site: If you didn't experience the rapture download software patch RAPT666.EXE
  • *The Vatican Press: TOLD YOU SO!

Click here: USA PATRIOT REGISTRATION - WHITEHOUSE.ORG


Phil's "Signs of the Times"
pp

Is there any other way . . .?
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim


PLANET PROCTOR
2002 by Phil Proctor
Published 01/20/02