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Volume 23

Phil with (?) from the 1977 film
"Cracking Up"

"One day can make your life; one day can ruin your life. All life is four or five big days that change everything."
- "Riding in Cars with Boys" by Beverly Donofrio


   That November is not only the month that brings us Thanksgiving and the return of my dear wife, Melinda, from her triumph at the Milwaukee Rep; no - it's also International Drum Month, Peanut Butter Lover's Month and Slaughter Month.
   It also contains Plan Your Epitaph Day, Waiting For The Barbarians Day, Gun Powder Day, Dunce Day and Chaos Never Dies Day.
But despair not, for we have yet to celebrate National Indian Pudding Day on the 13th, Occult Day (18), Absurdity Day (20), Start Your Own Country Day (22), Make Your Own Head Day (28), Peter Bergman's birthday (29) and finally on November 30 - Stay At Home Because You're Well Day.

   "I see drunk people."
- West Hollywood Tee-Shirt


   A Native American grandfather was talking to his grandson. The grandfather was explaining how he felt about a tragedy he had recently experienced.
   The grandfather said, "I feel as if I have two wolves fighting in my heart. One wolf is the vengeful, angry, violent one. The other wolf is the loving, compassionate one."
   The grandson asked him, "Which wolf will win the fight in your heart?"
   The grandfather answered, "The one I feed."
(From Ira Meyer)

   "Buy a box of matches and carry them with you; I see a girl I want to flirt with, which is a sin, I light one. Ohhh! Hell hurts worse than this."
- Muhammad Ali to Liz Smith


   The London Times has revealed that at the height of the Cold War, the CIA spent five years and more than $14.5 million to create a surgically outfitted Frankencat to spy on the Russians. They ostensibly "slit the cat open, put batteries in him and wired him back up; the tail was used as an antenna." His name? - "Acoustic Kitty"
   Fiendishly clever (if true); the cat would then be released near the Kremlin, curling up on a windowsill or park bench for a nice nap while transmitting privileged conversations by Russian officials.
   On the big day, the CIA transported "A.K." to a park and released him from the surveillance van to become America's first fuzzy spy, as highly trained technicians hovered over dials, ready to record top secret Soviet conversations.
   And the result? Well, the cat, immediately upon hopping out of the van, was run over and killed by a taxi before it could make it across the street.
   My webmaster Tiny Dr. Tim* notes, "Let's not forget that Frank Zappa once proposed using 'aerosol pork grenades' on the battlefield as a method of winning a war against Islamic fundamentalists."

* This should be credited to Dave Balderstone. The Tiny Dr. forwarded it to PP. It's from from the alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre newsgroup.

   "At the first sign of trouble, they cower under their beds like gutless cowards."
- Brit Air's Rod Eddington on Hollywood Celebrities


   "Apparently America has won the war on terrorism," writes Greg Steinberg in a letter to the L.A. Times. "Why else would [Attorney General] Ashcroft take the time to prolong the suffering of terminally ill people. Oh, yeah, I forgot. Like Osama bin Laden, Ashcroft is a religious fundamentalist."
   At the root, fundamentalism is a struggle against modernity, against individualism, against moral self-determination and, yes, against freedom. Fundamentalists share a belief that religious tenets, whether drawn from the Koran or the Bible, provide the supreme law. Thus fundamentalism is wholly authoritarian. Fundamentalism is radicalism. Look up radical in the dictionary: "the foundation source of something; fundamental; basic."
   Or, as summed up by frequent contributor Garry Margolis who quotes an Arabic friend teaching history at a Christian college: "Fundamentalism is fundamentalism is fundamentalism."

   "Religion is an insult to human dignity. With or without it, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, it takes religion."
- Dr. Steven Weinberg, Nobel laureate physicist


   KFI talk show host and fellow voice-over artist April Winchell tells us of a website in Brazil <> that claims it will send human excrement to the recipient of your choice for only $2.50 American. The site says: "Don't let your favorite politician, your teacher or that girl who despised you wait. Send them true shit. This is no joke."
   It adds, "The material is produced by true intestines and is stored for lab exams. It is the ideal gift for your worst enemy."
   The site also offers "e-shit" in which a picture of excrement is sent by e-mail. Kind of a "Scat Scan."

   "If we launch a nuclear strike against China, all we do is solve their housing crisis."
- Jeff "Skunkworks" Baxter


   Seventeen-year-old Christian Silbereis wanted his Halloween costume to be "educational", so he arrived at his Ann Arbor, Michigan high school dressed as a giant vagina in a costume created by his mother.
   For some reason, school officials did not feel that the pink cape with wig hair, lace and satin trim was appropriate; and they suspended him for the rest of the week - but he still copped the first prize.
   "It's anatomically correct," said Chris, "It's just another body part and they teach us about it in school. I mean, what if I was wearing an elbow costume? That's part of the body. Would they suspend me then?"

   "We're going to open envelopes without fear."
- M.C. Billy West at the Annies Animation Awards


   "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing."
(Weightlifting commentator Pat Glenn)
   "This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother."
(Horse racing's Ted Walsh)
   "The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."
(Murray Walker)
   "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
(Greg Norman)
   "Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing, but none of them serious."
(Alan Minter)
   "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew."
(BBC's Harry Carpenter)
   "He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it; you can see it all over their faces."
(Ron Atkinson)
   "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
(David Coleman, Montreal Olympics)
   "One of the reasons Arnie is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them . . . Oh my God, what have I just said?"
(USTV Commentator on Arnold Palmer)
   "How would you call that kinda play, Diz?" asked Pee Wee Reese to Dizzy Dean when the camera showed a young couple making out in the cheap seats.
   "Well, ole buddy," Dizzy responded, "I guess I'd say he kisses her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls."
   With that Pee Wee knocked over a beer and the screen went black.
(From Ed Ryba)

[Go to next column to continue reading]

   "Bin Laden knew he would be a big deal after 9-11, so he signed with William Morris. That's why no one knows where he is or how to find him."
- Jay Johnson, comedian and ventriloquist


The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
The sport of choice for the maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
The sport of choice for the front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
The sport of choice for the supervisors is BASEBALL.
The sport of choice for the middle management is TENNIS.
The sport of choice for the corporate executives is GOLF.

   Conclusion: the higher you rise in the corporate world, the smaller your balls.
(From Take A Break)

   "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
- Paul Rodrigue


   You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from rebellious follicle syndrome. No one's tall anymore. They're vertically enhanced. You're not shy. You're conversationally selective. You don't talk a lot. You're just abundantly verbal. It's not called gossip anymore. It's the speedy transmission of near-factual information.
   Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's just passage-restrictive. Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit social speed bumps. You're not late; you just have a rescheduled arrival time. These days, a student isn't lazy. He's energetically declined. You're not sleeping in class; you're rationing consciousness. Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an out-of-notebook experience. No one fails a class anymore; he's merely passing-impaired. You don't have detention, you're just one of the exit-delayed.
   The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's digestively challenging. Your locker isn't overflowing with junk; it's just closure-prohibitive. You don't have smelly gym socks; you have odor-retentive athletic footwear.
   And you weren't caught passing notes in class. You were participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations. So, you're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
(Take a Break, again)

   "Every time we open our mouths, we are judged."
- Cicero


   The witty and outspoken talk show host, April Winchell, posted the following message to her station manager in a recent "Winchell Wiper" email:
   "KFI has temporarily given my Sunday show over to Fred Ebert. They want to continue the war coverage into the weekend. KFI offered me the option of doing 'wars 'n spores' on Sundays, but I can't think of anything I'd rather do less, except possibly give Drudge a pedicure.
   "I have mixed feelings about this whole deal. On the one hand, I hate the orgy of non-news being churned out by the media these days. I have to believe that, at least on the weekend (barring any breaking news), people just want a little down time. Judging by the overwhelming amount of email I've been getting to this effect, people appreciate a little mindless entertainment at the end of the week. And if anyone is mindless on KFI, it's me."
   Keep those April showers coming! KFI AM 640 Saturday eves, 7:00-10:00

   "One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious."
- Karl Jung


   My pal Patti Deutsch writes: "I suppose letters to obituary editors are considered poor form or not published for national security reasons in these troubled times. However, in the words of Mother Theresa, or maybe Joey Bishop (I sometimes get them confused, I know one is dead), 'Who do you have to f**k to get a little respect around here?' It's a good thing Polly Rowles died before her obituary appeared in the N.Y. and L.A. Times, because if she were here to read it she'd be plenty pissed . . .
   "Polly Rowles was A Well Respected Working Broadway Actress, damnit! She played Calpurnia in Orson Welles' modern dress Julius Caesar, appeared with Sir Lawrence Olivier in the West End, and co-starred with Melvyn Douglas, Julie Harris and Eileen Atkins on Broadway - but the lead line was: 'Polly Rowles, best known as Inspector 12 for Hanes underwear.' This would stand her hackles on end were she not otherwise engaged now . . .
   "Polly was the 'ultimate dame' with a side order of 'grande dame.' She cared passionately about friends, family, her neighborhood, animals and those without a voice and without a dollar. She also cared passionately about things that pissed her off and was prepared to do battle with injustices, bigotry and stupidity (to name a few). She knew McCarthy was bad news before Nixon needed a shave. She picketed before picketing was fashionable, never mind newsworthy . . .
   "She took a remarkable journey and I feel honored to have been invited along . . . Even near the end when she was just a whisp of her former self, when asked what to avoid in a box of chocolates, she replied, 'The nut clusters.' I'll try to do just that."
   Farewell as well to Melvin Burkhart, 94, the sideshow "Human Blockhead", famed for driving nails up his nose; and speaking of "heads", we also lost prankster Ken Kesey. What a flashback!!!

   "Bush has just finished his big talk to Congress and the men in suits are telling us what the men in uniforms are going to do to the men in turbans if they won't turn over the men in hiding."
- Kesey


   The Firesign Theatre is presently performing improvisational, inspirational and newly scripted material, 2-hours a month LIVE, around a big round table at Warren Dewey Studios in Santa Monica for the high-flying XM Satellite Radio Network. We call it "FOOLS IN SPACE" and the material will be exerpted and re-purposed over their 24/7 Comedy Channel 150. We are also video-taping each show, and are still advising XM, re: the content and direction of their all-comedy channel.
   Fellow funnyman, Harry Shearer will also be broadcast on XM; as well as the L.A. Theatre Works radio performances on the "ON BROADWAY" Channel. You'll have to purchase an XM Radio and pay a small monthly fee to get in on the fun.
   And finally, our latest Rhino CD, "The Bride of Firesign" is up for a Grammy Nomination along with David Ossman's "Wonderful Wizard of Oz" in the Children's category. Please vote early and often!

   "This is not a bitter chicken, but he is having trouble coping with the modern world."
- Commercial casting specs for a fast-food campaign




Phil's "Signs of the Times"

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But Thursday night is the chat!
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim

2001 by Phil Proctor

Published 11/26/01