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PLANET PROCTOR 2001
Volume 22

Phil "puttin' on the dog"
in Bloomington, Indiana


"I'm in a unique position as [the Emmys'] host because, think about it, what would bug the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?"
- Ellen de Generis



THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT THE SOUTH

   Latest news advises that a cell of 5 terrorists has been operating in the deep South passing themselves off as Rednecks. The FBI stated that 4 of the 5 have been detained: bin Fishin, bin Huntin, bin Drinkin, and bin Fightin: but they state they can find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, bin Workin.
   Police are confident that anyone who looks like bin Workin will be very easy to spot in this southern community.


   "A friend traveling to NYC heard an aggressive driver's behavior described as 'So 9-10'."
- Rene Buchanan


SOCIAL CLIMBERS

   A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends, they decide to go in. At the reception a very attractive guy explains to them how it works.
   "We have 5 floors . . . go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside. But once you go past a floor you cannot return."
   On the first floor, the sign reads: "All the men here are horrible lovers, but they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
   The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are wonderful lovers, but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do, so the friends move up to the third floor where the sign read: "All the men here are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women."
   This was good but there were still two more floors. On to the fourth floor, the sign was "All the men here have perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers; they are also single, rich and straight."
   The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth. When they reach the fifth floor, the sign reads: "No men here. This floor was built only to prove it is impossible to please a woman."


   "Foot Heads Arms Body"
- Headline about leftwing MP Michael Foot leading a UK disarmament group; from Graham Summers


A KNIGHT ON THE TOWN

   Top Changes in New York since Mayor Giuliani was knighted by Queen Elizabeth in recognition of his handling of the World Trade Center tragedy:

* Two words: cab jousting!
* Can't shake the feeling that he's being stalked by Elton John.
* Subway turnstile jumpers: doused with molten lead
* Mets now royally suck.
* Gangs must now apply for and wear appropriate coats of arms.
* Mafia takes care to add a "u" to "Labour Dispute."
* He wasn't cheating on his wife, just exercising "droit de seigneur."
* Rudy now expects more than just his girlfriend to kneel before him.
* A tiara provides better coverage than a comb-over.
* Tourists flock to Central Park to witness the ceremonial Changing of the Bums.
- from www.topfive.com


   "There was nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure."
- PD Lew Archer by Ross (Ken Millar) McDonald


A SOLUTION FOR THE TALIBAN

   Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.
   Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.
   We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.
   We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!
   We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events - finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.
   Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please! We've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years, and we understand tribal warfare.
Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it - with or without the government's help!
   Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot flashes over their godforsaken terrain! I'm going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!


   "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again"
- Sportscaster Terry Venables


HOPE FROM THE HOPI

(A message from The Elders of the Hopi nation,
Oraibi, Arizona)

   You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour.
   Now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour.
   And there are things to be considered: Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships? Where is your water?
   Know your garden. It is time to speak your Truth.
   Create your community. Be good to each other. And do not look outside yourself for the leader. This could be a good time!
   There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart, and they will suffer greatly. Know the river has its destination.
   The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water; see who is in there with you and celebrate.
   At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally; least of all, ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt. The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!
   Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.
We are the ones we've been waiting for.


   "You must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty"
- Mahatma Ghandi


[Go to next column to continue reading]



THE MYTH OF PROCTOR

   Ivan Berger writes about the tale of the "Cakes and Ale"from last orbit:
   "I can certify from personal experience that this story and/or several similar variations circulated freely around the true Cambridge some thirty or so years ago. Very probably it goes much further back . . .
   Proctors are University officials charged with ensuring that Gentlemen (and Ladies, these days) behave themselves responsibly in the town and are safely back in their Colleges late at night; they are not involved with the running of examinations (possibly because they have never been known for their intellectual accomplishments) so the official in the story would not have been a Proctor."
   Of course, several other killjoys referred me to the snopes.com Urban legends "cakesale" site. And to add insult to injury, Judge Proctor Hug retired from the Federal Court after 24 years on the bench. The coach never used him . . .


   "Titanic, Mask of Zorro, Godzilla, Independence Day, BEAN, The Man in the Iron Mask, Jurassic Park, The Jackal, The Mummy, and My Best Friend's Wedding" - Top 10 Grossing Films in the Middle East over the last 15 years."
- Phil's Phunny Phacts


WE ARE ALL GUILTY!

   If you rented or purchased "Titanic", "Traffic" or "Lolita", you may have perpetrated a federal crime in possessing child pornography! So argued our Supreme Court justices in discussing the 1966 law making it a crime to sell or possess "any visual depiction" showing "simulated sex" with actors who can pass as minors.
   "What great works of Western art would be taken away from us if we were unable to show minors copulating?" posed Justice Antonin Scalia.
   "Romeo and Juliet," quipped Justice Stevens.
"You've seen a different version of that than I have!" Scalia retorted.


   "Many images are produced in public areas. Misuse or public display of images under these conditions carries the same limits of liability except that no value is given to these images."
- Wolf Camera disclaimer


THE DOG SPEAKS

   From Ivan's Jokes: "If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." (James Thurber)
   "Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." (Robert A. Heinlein)
   "In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him." (Derek Bruce)
   "When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem." (Edward Abbey)
   "Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail." - Anon


   "The work requested for the dog vomit shot has gone above and beyond the amount quoted in the bill."
- Movie Memo


IT'S "WEIRDLY COOL!"

   This is (up to now) the airdates for the Firesign Theatre's one-hour special, "Weirdly Cool" with live appearances and pre-recorded Firesign pitches indicated for your viewing pleasure.
   Be there or be square!

Wed Nov 28: Philadelphia, PA, WHYY 8pm / 9:30pm (PB/PB/DO)
Fri Nov 30: New York, WLIW 10pm (PB/PP)
Sat Dec 1: Boston, MA, WGBH 11pm (Pre-recorded FST pitch)
Los Angeles, CA, KCET 11pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Philadelphia, PA, WHYY 11pm & 12:30am
Chicago, WTTW 10:45pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Wash DC, WETA 10pm
Dayton, OH, WPTD 10pm (live)
Milwaukee, WI, WMVS 10:30pm. (Pre-recorded FST)
Erie, PA, WQLN 10:30pm & 12:00am (Pre-recorded FST)
Austin, TX, KLRU 11pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Toledo, O H, WGTE 10 pm
Gainesville, WUFT 10pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Denver, CO, KRMA 10:20pm
Sun Dec 2:
Atlanta, GA, WPBA 9pm (D0)
St. Louis, MI, KETC 9:30pm CST (Pre-recorded FST)
San Francisco, CA, KQED 1am (Pre-recorded FST)
Miami, FL, WPBT (Pre-recorded FST)
Rohnert Park, CA, KRCB
Mon Dec 3:
Minneapolis, MN, WTPT
Grand Rapids, MI, WGVU 10 PM (Pre-recorded FST)
Tues Dec 4:
Nashville, TN, WDCN 10:30 PM (Pre-recorded FST)
Tallahassee, FL, WFSU 10pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Wed Dec 5:
Houston, TX, KUHT 7pm (PB/PP)
San Bernardino/Riverside KVCR 11:00pm (pledge)
Portland, OR, KOPB 11pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Dallas, TX, KERA 10pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Dayton, OH, WPTD 10pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Thu Dec 6:
Jacksonville, FL, WJCT 11pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Joplin, MO, KOCJ 10:30pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Fri Dec 7:
Urbana, Ill, WILL 9:30 pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Sat Dec 8:
Orlando, FL, WMFE 11:30pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Sacramento, CA, KVIE midnight (Pre-recorded FST)
Phoenix, AZ, KAET 10 PM (Pre-recorded FST)
Los Angeles, CA, KOCE 10pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Salt Lake City, UT, KUED 10:00 p.m (Pre-recorded FST)
Kansas City, MI, KCPT 11pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Cincinnatti, OH, WCET 11:30 p.m (Pre-recorded FST)
Pensacola, FL, WSRE 11pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Sun Dec 9:
Cleveland, OH, WVIZ 12:30am (Pre-recorded FST)
San Bernardino/Riverside, CA, 9:30pm (live pitch)
Idaho Public Television 11pm (not pledging)
San Jose, CA, KTEH, Silicon Valley Public TV
Tues Dec 11:
Reno, NV, KNPB 9:30pm not firm (Pre-recorded FST)
Akron, OH, WNEO 9:30 pm. (Pre-recorded FST)
Fri Dec14:
Buffalo, NY, WNED 9:00 pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Seattle, WA, KCTS 11 pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Sat Dec15:
San Antonio, TX, KLRN 10 pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Dallas, TX, KERA 10:30pm (Pre-recorded FST)
Fri Dec 28:
Las Vegas, NV, KLVX 9pm (not pledging)
Denver, CO, KRMA - will air (Pre-recorded FST)
Seattle, WA, KCTS- will air (Pre-recorded FST)
Tampa, FL, WEDU - will air (Pre-recorded FST)
Pittsburgh, PA, WQED will air (Pre-recorded FST)

*(Webmeister's note: Keep czeching back, as I get updates almost daily . . .)


   "War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things: A man who has nothing for which he is willing to fight - nothing he cares about more than his own personal safety - is a miserable creature who has no chance of being free, unless made and kept so by the exertions and blood of better men than himself."
- John Stuart Mill


11/05/01


 

* FIRESIGN SITE: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE SITE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http://www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com

 



Phil's "Signs of the Times"

fifth_third.jpg (13381 bytes)
At Fourth and Drucker, turn left
At Drucker and Fourth, turn right


captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim


PLANET PROCTOR
2001 by Phil Proctor

Published 11/14/01