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PLANET PROCTOR 2001
Volume 21

Phil with Melinda as 97 year old Italian Widow
backstage at the Milwaukee Rep
in "The Magic Fire"


   "I think bin Laden should surrender himself to us. He should also say sorry for the things he has done. He made a pretty bad choice on Sept. 11"
- Ryan, 10, L.A. Times "Kid's Page"



TO AMERICA
FROM ROMANIA WITH LOVE . . .

   Why are Americans so united? They don't resemble one another even if you paint them! They speak all the languages of the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations. Some of them are nearly extinct, others are incompatible with one another, and in matters of religious beliefs, not even God can count how many they are.
   Still, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand put on the heart. Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the army or the secret services that they are a bunch of losers.
   Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts. Nobody rushed on the streets nearby to gape. The Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand. After the first moments of panic, they raised the flag on the smoking ruins, putting on T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings and cars as if in every place and on every car an official or the President was passing. On every occasion they started singing their traditional song: "God Bless America!"
   What on earth can unite the Americans in such a way? Their land? Their galloping history? Their economic power? Money? I tried for hours to find an answer, humming songs and murmuring phrases which risk of sounding like commonplaces. I thought things over, but I reached only one conclusion. Only freedom can work such miracles!
(Excerpts from the article by Ben Moses)


   "Mud, flood or blood, the mail's got to go. Anthrax doesn't fit into the rhyme."
- D.C. Postman David Myers


RETURN TO SENDER

From: The White House
To: Albert Gore

Dear Al,
We found some more votes. You won! When do you want to take over?

Sincerely,
George W. Bush


   "God is always with the strongest battalions."
- King Frederick the Great of Prussia (1712-1786)


WE GET LETTERS . . .

   Jack Angel sent me this CNN Item, which I missed when I was away in OUR Mideast . . .
   "At a hastily called press conference, Taliban Minister of Emigration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of convenience store managers and cab drivers."
   Then, Ernest Farino forwarded me this gem from Nancy Tokos, Title Design Governor at the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences:
   "I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: 'Lead us not into temptation,' she prayed, 'but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.' "


   "If the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body, then only lefthanded people are in their right mind."
- Lighter Side T-shirt (custservls@jsls.com)


PROCTOR GETS LAST LAUGH

   Writer/actor and Firehead Tom Groener passed on a supposedly true story from Cambridge University. It seems that during an examination a snarky student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him Cakes and Ale.
   Proctor: I beg your pardon?
   Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
   Proctor: Sorry, no.
   Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge, written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read: "Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes and Ale."
   "Pepsi and hamburgers" were judged the modern equivalent, and the student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later, the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.


   "In 'Dracula, The Musical' directed by Des 'Moose & Squirrel' MacAnuff, the role of the Second Vampire is played by Jenny-Lynn Suckling."
- Phil's Phunny Phacts


BUT WHO'S COUNTING?

   The date of the attack: 9/11 - 9 + 1 + 1 = 11; September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 +4 = 11; After September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year; 119 is the area code to Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11.
   The plane that hit the towers was Flight 11 with 92 on board: 9 + 2 = 11; Flight 77 - 65 on board: 6 + 5 = 11. The State of New York was the 11th State added to the Union; New York City - 11 Letters; The Pentagon - 11 Letters; Afghanistan - 11 Letters; Ramzi Yousef, convicted for the '93 WTC bombing - 11 Letters.
   Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name "Phil Proctor"! I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks. Wait a sec . . . just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters! Oh crap, there must be someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But no . . . . PLANET EARTH" has 11 letters, too!
   Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in "NOSTRADAMUS."I know, the Red Cross can help. No, they can't . . . 11 letters in "THE RED CROSS". I'd rely on self-defense, but "SELF- DEFENSE" has 11 letters in it, too!
   Can someone help? Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't! "SEND ME EMAIL" has 11 letters . . . Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING INSANE???" Eleven letters!! Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though "I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters. Oh my God, I just realized that America is doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th . . . 7/4 . . . 7+4=11.
From "Take A Break", attributed to Dave Pawson, 11 letters, who adds - PS: "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters, also . . .


[Go to next column to continue reading]


   "The good news is that there are many federal agencies working on all of these issues. The bad news is that there are many federal agencies working on all of these issues."
- Tenn. Senator Fred Thompson in TIME


ME . . . OW!!!!

   The President has urged all of us to report "suspicious behavior" to local law enforcement authorities, and there is very little that a cat does that could not be classified as suspicious. They creep, they hide, they sneak. They run away when confronted, a known sign of guilty knowledge. For their safety and ours, we should train them to appear to be patriotic . . .
   I think it would be best to start with "The Stars and Stripes Forever." It is a non-controversial yet undeniably patriotic tune, easily recognizable. Before mealtime, instead of calling, "Soup's on!" or "Kibble time!" or "Come on Snowflake come on come on who's the best cat who's the best cat," just put on a stirring rendition of the venerable John Philip Sousa tune.
   If the cat does not come, withhold food. Try again an hour later. When the cat comes, feed said cat. Repeat this process for several days. (If the neighbors complain about the repetitive playing of this patriotic song, report them to local law enforcement authorities.) Eventually the cat will catch on. Cats care a whole lot about all rituals concerning food. If Sousa is part of the equation, they'll come a-runnin' when the band strikes up.
   And picture your cat sitting there as you hold his/her food bowl at your own eye level. The cat will be alert, erect, almost, well, at attention. Think of a whole phalanx of cats standing at attention while "The Stars and Stripes Forever" is being played. Talk about a morale boost! Cats for America! Three meows for freedom!
(From an article by Jon Carroll in The SF Chronicle)


   "I wonder if our economy will ever get back to normal. By normal, I mean the time when I'll be able to talk back to a maid."
- Sylvia Lyons in The Lyons Den, February 3rd, 1953


TALIBAN TV GUIDE

06.00 Jihad TV. Morning prayers.
08.30 Talitubbies. Dipsy and Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher and say "Ah-ah".
09.00 Shouts of Praise. More prayers.
11.00 Jihad's Army. The Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed infidels.
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad! Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
12.30 Panoramadan. The program reports on America's attempts to take over the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed Housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of pagan idols.
16.00 Question Time. Members of the public face questions from political and religious leaders.
18.00 Holiday. The team goes on pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin? Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels. The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.
00.00 When Imams attack. Amusing footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.
01.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
02.00 A book at bedtime. The Koran. Again.
(From Barbro Semmingsen, Oslo)


   "Did you hear about the seismologist who always rated earthquakes much too high on the Richter scale? He was generous to a fault."
- Chris Caracci


CATCHING UP

   I had a wonderful time in the Midwest with Richard Fish in bountiful Bloomington, my miraculous mom in Goshen and marvelous Melinda in Milwaukee. She is hysterical in the brilliantly mounted production of Lillian Groag's Pulitzer-prize nominated play, "The Magic Fire"; and the Milwaukee Rep is a Broadway-caliber company all around. Mellie's makeup as a 97-year-old Italian widow (created by fellow actor Lee Ernst) is masterful (and a little scary) and you can probably see it at my or a Firesign website soon.
   The Firesign premiered "Fools In Space", our LIVE 2-hour romp for XM Satellite Radio, last Saturday, with brilliant assistance from Bob Wayne and Warren Dewey at his studios in Santa Monica. Our PBS Special will be aired all over the country during the Holiday Season. I'll send out a special notification of stations and times, and we will be appearing in person in some venues!
   And I'll be appearing personally as a 60's Viennese psychiatrist in an episode of "Saving Grace" to be filmed next week. Stay well and safe . . .


   "SEX: The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise."
- Magic Mike


11/01/01


 

* FIRESIGN SITE: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE SITE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http://www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com

 



Phil's "Signs of the Times"

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It's never far away . . .
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim


PLANET PROCTOR
2001 by Phil Proctor

Published 11/05/01