FROM ROMANIA WITH LOVE . . .
Why are Americans so united?
They don't resemble one another even if you paint them! They speak all the languages of
the world and form an astonishing mixture of civilizations. Some of them are nearly
extinct, others are incompatible with one another, and in matters of religious beliefs,
not even God can count how many they are.
Still, the American tragedy turned three hundred million people into a hand
put on the heart. Nobody rushed to accuse the White House, the army or the secret services
that they are a bunch of losers.
Nobody rushed to empty their bank accounts. Nobody rushed on the streets
nearby to gape. The Americans volunteered to donate blood and to give a helping hand.
After the first moments of panic, they raised the flag on the smoking ruins, putting on
T-shirts, caps and ties in the colors of the national flag. They placed flags on buildings
and cars as if in every place and on every car an official or the President was passing.
On every occasion they started singing their traditional song: "God Bless
What on earth can unite the Americans in such a way? Their land? Their
galloping history? Their economic power? Money? I tried for hours to find an answer,
humming songs and murmuring phrases which risk of sounding like commonplaces. I thought
things over, but I reached only one conclusion. Only freedom can work such miracles!
(Excerpts from the article by Ben Moses)
flood or blood, the mail's got to go. Anthrax doesn't fit
into the rhyme."
- D.C. Postman David Myers
From: The White House
To: Albert Gore
We found some more votes. You won! When do you want to take over?
George W. Bush
is always with the strongest battalions."
- King Frederick
the Great of Prussia (1712-1786)
LETTERS . . .
Jack Angel sent me this CNN
Item, which I missed when I was away in OUR Mideast . . .
"At a hastily called press conference, Taliban Minister of Emigration,
Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if any further military action was taken
against Afghanistan, Taliban authorities would not hesitate to cut off America's supply of
convenience store managers and cab drivers."
Then, Ernest Farino forwarded me this gem from Nancy Tokos, Title Design
Governor at the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences:
"I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's
Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the
prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated
each word, right up to the end of the prayer: 'Lead us not into temptation,' she prayed,
'but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.' "
"If the left side of the brain controls the right side of the body, then only
lefthanded people are in their right mind."
- Lighter Side T-shirt (firstname.lastname@example.org)
GETS LAST LAUGH
Writer/actor and Firehead Tom
Groener passed on a supposedly true story from Cambridge University. It seems that during
an examination a snarky student popped up and asked the proctor to bring him
Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: I beg your pardon?
Student: Sir, I request that you bring me Cakes and Ale.
Proctor: Sorry, no.
Student: Sir, I really must insist. I request and require that you bring me
Cakes and Ale.
At this point, the student produced a copy of the four hundred-year-old Laws of Cambridge,
written in Latin and still nominally in effect, and pointed to the section which read:
"Gentlemen sitting examinations may request and require Cakes
"Pepsi and hamburgers" were judged the modern equivalent, and the
student sat there, writing his examination and happily slurping away. Three weeks later,
the student was fined five pounds for not wearing a sword to the examination.
"In 'Dracula, The Musical' directed by Des 'Moose & Squirrel' MacAnuff, the role
of the Second Vampire is played by Jenny-Lynn Suckling."
- Phil's Phunny Phacts
The date of the attack: 9/11 -
9 + 1 + 1 = 11; September 11th is the 254th day of the year: 2 + 5 +4 = 11; After
September 11th there are 111 days left to the end of the year; 119 is the area code to
Iraq/Iran. 1 + 1 + 9 = 11.
The plane that hit the towers was Flight 11 with 92 on board: 9 + 2 = 11;
Flight 77 - 65 on board: 6 + 5 = 11. The State of New York was the 11th State added to the
Union; New York City - 11 Letters; The Pentagon - 11 Letters; Afghanistan - 11 Letters;
Ramzi Yousef, convicted for the '93 WTC bombing - 11 Letters.
Oh my God! How worried should I be? There are 11 letters in the name
"Phil Proctor"! I'm going into hiding NOW. See you in a few weeks. Wait a sec .
. . just realized "YOU CAN'T HIDE" also has 11 letters! Oh crap, there must be
someplace on the planet Earth I could hide! But no . . . . PLANET EARTH" has 11
Maybe Nostradamus can help me. But dare I trust him? There are 11 letters in
"NOSTRADAMUS."I know, the Red Cross can help. No, they can't . . . 11 letters in
"THE RED CROSS". I'd rely on self-defense, but "SELF- DEFENSE" has 11
letters in it, too!
Can someone help? Anyone? If so, send me email. No, don't! "SEND ME
EMAIL" has 11 letters . . . Will this never end? I'm going insane! "GOING
INSANE???" Eleven letters!! Nooooooooooo!!!!!! I guess I'll die alone, even though
"I'LL DIE ALONE" has 11 letters. Oh my God, I just realized that America is
doomed! Our Independence Day is July 4th . . . 7/4 . . . 7+4=11.
From "Take A Break", attributed to Dave Pawson, 11 letters, who adds -
PS: "IT'S BULLSHIT" has 11 letters, also . . .
to next column to continue reading]
"The good news is that there are many federal agencies working on all of these
issues. The bad news is that there are many federal agencies working on all of these
- Tenn. Senator Fred Thompson in TIME
. . OW!!!!
The President has urged all of
us to report "suspicious
behavior" to local law enforcement authorities, and there is very little that a
cat does that could not be classified as suspicious. They creep, they hide, they sneak.
They run away when confronted, a known sign of guilty knowledge. For their safety and
ours, we should train them to appear to be patriotic . . .
I think it would be best to start with "The Stars and Stripes
Forever." It is a non-controversial yet undeniably patriotic tune, easily
recognizable. Before mealtime, instead of calling, "Soup's on!" or "Kibble
time!" or "Come on Snowflake come on come on who's the best cat who's the best
cat," just put on a stirring rendition of the venerable John Philip Sousa tune.
If the cat does not come, withhold food. Try again an hour later. When the
cat comes, feed said cat. Repeat this process for several days. (If the neighbors complain
about the repetitive playing of this patriotic song, report them to local law enforcement
authorities.) Eventually the cat will catch on. Cats care a whole lot about all rituals
concerning food. If Sousa is part of the equation, they'll come a-runnin' when the band
And picture your cat sitting there as you hold his/her food bowl at your own
eye level. The cat will be alert, erect, almost, well, at attention. Think of a whole
phalanx of cats standing at attention while "The Stars and Stripes Forever" is
being played. Talk about a morale boost! Cats for America! Three meows for freedom!
(From an article by Jon Carroll in The SF Chronicle)
"I wonder if our economy will ever get back to normal. By normal, I mean the time
when I'll be able to talk back to a maid."
- Sylvia Lyons in The Lyons Den, February 3rd, 1953
TV. Morning prayers.
08.30 Talitubbies. Dipsy and
Tinky-Winky repair a Stinger missile launcher and say "Ah-ah".
09.00 Shouts of Praise. More
11.00 Jihad's Army. The
Kandahar-on-Sea battalion repulse another attack by evil, imperialist, Zionist backed
12.00 Ready, Steady, Jihad!
Celebrities make lethal devices out of everyday objects.
12.30 Panoramadan. The program
reports on America's attempts to take over the world.
13.30 Xena: Modestly dressed
Housewife Xena stays at home and does some cooking.
15.30 I Love 629. A look back at
the events of the year, including the Prophet's entry into Mecca, and the destruction of
16.00 Question Time. Members of
the public face questions from political and religious leaders.
18.00 Holiday. The team goes on
pilgrimage to Mecca. Again.
18.30 Top of the Prophets. Will
the Koran be No.1 for the 63,728th week running?
19.00 Who wants to be a Mujahadin?
Will contestants phone a mullah, go 'inshallah', or ask the Islamic council?
20.00 FILM: Shariah's Angels.
The three burkha-clad sleuths go undercover to expose an evil scheme to educate women.
21.30 Big Brother. Who will be
taken out of the house and executed this week?
22.30 Shahs in their Eyes. More
hopefuls imitate famous destroyers of the infidel.
00.00 When Imams attack. Amusing
footage shot secretly in mosques. The filmers were also secretly shot.
01.30 Bhuffi the Infidel Slayer.
02.00 A book at bedtime. The
(From Barbro Semmingsen, Oslo)
"Did you hear about the seismologist who always rated earthquakes much too high on
the Richter scale? He was generous to a fault."
- Chris Caracci
I had a wonderful time in the
Midwest with Richard
Fish in bountiful Bloomington, my miraculous mom in Goshen and marvelous Melinda in
Milwaukee. She is hysterical in the brilliantly mounted production of Lillian Groag's
Pulitzer-prize nominated play, "The Magic Fire"; and the Milwaukee Rep is a
Broadway-caliber company all around. Mellie's makeup as a 97-year-old Italian widow
(created by fellow actor Lee Ernst) is masterful (and a little scary) and you can probably
see it at my or a Firesign website soon.
The Firesign premiered "Fools In Space", our LIVE 2-hour romp for XM Satellite Radio,
last Saturday, with brilliant assistance from Bob Wayne and Warren Dewey at his studios in
Santa Monica. Our PBS Special will be aired all over the country during the Holiday
Season. I'll send out a special notification
of stations and times, and we will be appearing in person in some venues!
And I'll be appearing personally as a 60's Viennese psychiatrist in an
episode of "Saving Grace" to be filmed next week. Stay well and safe . . .
The only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while
getting a raise."
- Magic Mike
* FIRESIGN SITE: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE SITE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http://www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com