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PLANET PROCTOR 2001
Volume 16

Phil and his alter ego
'The drunken monkey'
from "Dr. 2"


"A Man's Perfect Breakfast? You're sitting at the table and you're on the cover of Forbes. Your son is on the box of Wheaties. Your mistress is on the cover of Playboy. Your wife is on the back of the milk carton."
- Zobo Bongo Davis



19 THINGS IT TOOK ME OVER 50 YEARS TO LEARN

(Having just turned "sweet sixteen" from the other end, I appreciate this list more than ever . . . )

1. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
2.  When God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use as His messenger a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
3. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
4. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not yet, and never will achieve its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
7. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
8. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
9. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune BEFORE you eat the cookie.
12. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
13. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
14. You will never find anybody giving a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
15. Never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
16. The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
17. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
18. Your friends love you anyway.
19. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
(Dave Barry)


    "He doesn't deliver the funny."
- Comment of a Network Executive


VERY SICK

Dear Friends,
   I am a very sick little boy. My mother is typing this for me, because I can't. She is crying. Don't cry, Mommy! Mommy is always sad, but she says it's not my fault. I asked her if it was God's fault, but she didn't answer and only started crying harder, so I don't ask her that any more.
   The reason she is so sad is because I'm so sick. I was born without a body. It doesn't hurt, except when I try to breathe. The doctors gave me an artificial body. It is a burlap bag filled with leaves. The doctors said that was the best they could do on account of us having no money or insurance. I would like to have a body transplant, but we need more money.
   Mommy doesn't work because she said nobody hires crying people. I said, "Don't cry, Mommy," and she hugged my burlap bag. Mommy always gives me hugs, even though she's allergic to burlap and it makes her sneeze and chafes her real bad. I hope you will help me
   You can help me if you mindlessly forward this email to everyone you know. Mindlessly forward it to people you don't know, too. Dr. Johansen said that for every person you mindlessly forward this email to, Bill Gates will team up with AOL and send a nickel to NASA. With that funding, NASA will collect prayers from school children all over America and have the astronauts take them up into space so that the angels can hear them better. Then they will come back to earth and go to the Pope, and he will take up a collection in church and send all the money to the doctors. The doctors could help me get better; then, maybe one day I will be able to play baseball. Right now I can only be third base.
   Please help me. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I wish I had a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty. I wish I could hold a kitty that wouldn't chew on me and try to bury its sh*t in the leaves of my burlap body. I wish that very much.

Thank You,

Billy "Smiley" Evans (the boy with just a head, and a burlap sack for a body)


    "No one lies in the toilet."
- Buena Vista Films promo guy, Richard Sano


THE WEDDING SINGER, TOO

Dear Bandleader:
   We look forward to your performance at our daughter's wedding. If you don't mind, we would like to request a few of our favorite songs. If you could play these at some point during the reception, we'd be grateful.
   Any Keith Jarrett composition from his solo series. Please have it for the full ensemble and none of the 4/4 songs please. Mahavishnu Orch., "Dance of the Maya," and please have the guitarist play John McLaughlin's solo from the live performance Nov.16, 1972, at Chrysler Arena! My wife and I were at that show and we particularly liked it. (If you find it too difficult, you can leave out the feedback.)
   Any of John Coltrane's duets with Pharaoh Sanders. I understand that their use of atonality is not everyone's cup of tea, but all our guests love high register tenor saxes. We also thought a little Stravinsky right after the toast would be nice. We particularly like the "Infernal Dance . . . " or whatever it is called, from "The Rite of Spring" (second version of 1932). If you want to use the sheet music it's OK. We like a tempo of about quarter note = 93 bpm. (Ozawa).
   Then for the "life candle" lighting ceremony, please play Frank Zappa's "The Grand Wazoo". (If you want to play it in the original key of B, that would be fine, but my cousin Janeene would like to sing the baritone sax solo so you may have to play that part in another key - she has kind of a high voice.)
When my daughter throws the garter, could you play just a little of Varese's "Ionisation"? It's such a cool piece, we think it would go over really well. Much better than "The Stripper."
   And for the Bride & Groom's first dance, please slow things down a bit by doing Barber's "Adagio For Strings". It's so much better than "We've Only Just Begun" or "The Anniversary Waltz". When my wife and I join in the first dance, could you please segue to Thelonius Monk's "Ruby, My Dear"? (That's in honor of my wife's grandmother whose name was Ruby.) It would mean so much to the family. Also, the "logistics" of the occasion in our living room, downstairs rumpus room and backyard are being purposefully left spontaneous, so we were hoping your band members could just sort of stroll around and follow the action.
   Thanks very much for all your help. We'll certainly be happy to recommend your band to all of our friends.By the way, the gig pays $350 for the group and before you leave, please feel free to ask the caterer for a sandwich and a soda to take with you.
Sincerely,
The Bride's Parents


[Go to next column to continue reading]



   "A space odyssey in the beat of today, with the far-out sounds of tomorrow's uncharted trip beyond the now generation."
- "Astro Sounds from Beyond 2000" by 101 Strings


DID HE MAKE A CATTY REMARK?

   An elderly Canadian man was recovering Thursday following a savage attack by his pet cat, which drew four carloads of police, two ambulances and an animal control officer. Gerard Daigle, 80, lost a pint of blood and required stitches after his cat Touti, (a diminutive roughly meaning "Tiny"), launched a frenzied attack after Daigle, who was giving his pet parrot a shower, inadvertently sprayed the cat with water.
   "It was a real carnage," said animal control officer Guy Theriault, in Trois-Rivieres, Quebec, "There was blood all over the place; on the ceiling, the floor and the walls. The cat was really traumatized by the water."
   Daigle was saved by his 81-year-old wife who wrestled the cat away, only to have it turn on her. "The cat wanted to eat her, too," one newspaper quoted Daigle as saying. Finally, the couple managed to chase the cat into the bedroom and slam the door. Police responded in force because they thought they were dealing with a domestic emergency. Touti had had a troubled past and has been euthanized.
   It is not known why Daigle was giving his parrot a shower. (What, he won't talk?)


    "Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?"
- Bumper Sticker from Ivan's Jokes


HOW MANY . . . BLAH, BLAH, BULB?

* ARIES: Just one. You want to make something of it?
* TAURUS: One, but just try to convince them that the burned-out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.
* GEMINI: Two, but the job never gets finished (they just keep discussing who's supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done!)
* CANCER: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grieving process.
* LEO: Leos don't change light bulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out auditioning.
* VIRGO: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- one millionth.
* LIBRA: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Is that okay?
* SCORPIO: That information is strictly secret and shared only with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.
* SAGITTARIUS: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?
* AQUARIUS: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so . . . .
* PISCES: Light bulb? What light bulb?
* CAPRICORN: I don't waste my time with these childish jokes.


    Here's an actual Nostradamus line, not the bogus "village idiot" scam:
"Un dubieux ne viendra long du regne! - A Dubya will not reign long"!
- Brian Westley


A START- LING ENCOUNTER

   An uncultured-looking gentleman walks into a fancy French restaurant and the maitre d', wanting to get rid of a potential trouble-maker says, "Sir, you can't come in here without a tie."
   The guy argues, but the maitre d' is firm.So the guy goes out to his car, can't find a tie, but locates a pair of jumper cables in the trunk. He wraps them around his neck and walks back into the restaurant. The maitre d' looks at him and reluctantly says, "OK, you can come in. But don't start anything."


    "If a man speaks in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?"
- On a Tee by Now and Zen Productions


THE BRIDE LIVES!

   We finished mastering our latest masterpiece last week, "The Bride of Firesign." It will be available on Rhino Records September 4th. Until then, keep playing our old recordings. They'll make sense one day.
   On we go now, to the pre-production of "Weirdly Cool", a one-hour "Greatest Hits" PBS-TV special to be taped (twice) at CBS/Fairfax on August 24th and hosted remotely by Robin Williams, John Goodman, Chevy Chase, Drew Carey and George Carlin - or someone like them.
   The next day, we perform our first live 2-hour "Fools In Space" show for XM Radio, on Channel 150, the Comedy Channel of their new satellite network. Then, I sleep.


    "It kills me the way they advertise phone sex,'Phone up and hear a woman's secret fantasies.' If there's any reality to this, you'd hear stuff like, 'Yeah, I'd like to be paid the same as a man for the same job.' "
- Source Lost in Cyberspace


THE BASS PLAYERS' PSALM

The Lord is my drummer, I shall not rush.
He maketh me to lay out in tasteful places;
He leadeth me beside cool meter changes;
He restoreth my "one".
He leadeth me in the right repeats
For His name's sake.
Yea, though I read through the trickiest road maps,
I will fear no train wrecks;
For You are with it;
Your ride and Your snare, they comfort me.
You setteth up a solo for me
In the presence of nine guitarists;
You annointeth my lines with drive;
My groove overflows.
Surely good feel and swing will follow me
All the tunes of each set;
And I will dwell in the pocket,
The whole gig long.
(From Jon Delfin)


    "Why did the robot cross the road? Because he was carbon bonded to the chicken!"
- "Lost in Space" 1998, filmthreat.com


7/28/01


* FIRESIGN SITE: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE SITE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http://www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com



Phil's "Signs of the Times"

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Acting IS rocket science, eh?
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim


PLANET PROCTOR
2001 by Phil Proctor

Published 8/05/01