WHAT - QUIT SHOWBIZ?
Supposedly genuine e-mail exchanges between Jennifer Lopez's people and
WB re: changing her billing to "J Lo" on "Angel Eyes"
. . .
From: Martha Hudson, Publicity Manager, Warner Bros Pictures RE: "Angel
Eyes" tweaks - Yes, we got your fax . . . I thought the publicist said Jennifer
wanted to do anything to promote this movie.
From: Lucille LeSueur - Tweaks? Of course, she wants to do *anything*.
(Thought you said you got the fax.) She merely wants you to meet her halfway.
From: Martha - Lucy, how can I put this? (I suppose I should phone, but I'm
too upset) According to this fax, you're asking us to pull all the one-sheets, posters and
prints of the movie in order to bill Jennifer as "J.Lo"
instead of her [expletive deleted] God-given name. This is *not* going halfway, unless she
intends to pay for the millions out of her own pocket. We are talking here about a movie
that opens in two weeks!! The junket is tomorrow!! Are you guys smoking crack over there
with Robert Downey? The bottom line (and I've got backup on this): She signed onto this
project as "Jennifer Lopez." She <so help me> is going to be billed as
"Jennifer Lopez." We can't help it if she's decided to get a diva transplant.
From: Lucille - Okay, I'm going to do you a big favor, Martha. I'm not going
to repeat what you just said to J.Lo. But only because I don't want to see her go to jail
FOR RIPPING OUT YOUR ORGANS WITH HER BARE HANDS! I simply can't believe the lack of
respect here. Maybe you can play these games with "James" Caviezel (or is it
"Jim"? . . . Gee, I guess he can't make up his mind, either.) But J.Lo, clearly,
is no "James"/"Jim" Caviezel. She is the world's preeminent female
celebrity. She has more talent in her ass than most people have in their tiny finger. J.Lo
is not just an actress. She is not just a singer. She is not just a celebrity. She is a
movement. (Why do I even have to say this?) She feels extra-determined that "Jennifer
Lopez" isn't where her movement is at these days. She is "J. Lo."
From: Martha - Okay, how about this as a compromise: I've seen this critic
guy on the Internet. He calls Jennifer "J.Lo's Magical Butt." That enough of a
"movement" for you? P.S.: I'd like to see "J.Lo" try to rip out my
organs. I hear my liver would grow back anyway. Which is more than I can say for her movie
career after this P.O.S. opens.
From: Lucille - Miss Hudson: This note is to inform you that J. Lo has taken ill and will
be unable to attend Saturday's press junket at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. She
respectfully sends her regrets.
From: Martha - Dearest Lucy: Kiss, kiss. We're sorry to hear about poor
Jennifer Lopez. At least we won't blow our kissing-and-fawning budget tomorrow. We'll need
it for that Travolta movie [Swordfish] coming up.
"This isn't right. It isn't even wrong." -
Physicist Wolfgang Pauli
BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS . . .
I said "supposedly", didn't I . . . and Edie McClurg adds:
"I talked with a friend who works at Warner Bros and he said [the above]
is a comedy bit written by a new website (like Hollywood Stock Exchange) to get publicity.
Well, it worked on me. Paul Willson mentioned that the name Lucille LeSueur was Joan
Crawford's real name. I thought it sounded familiar. It was good writing; but it was
funnier when I thought it was real.
"200-year-old androgynous character who
stylishly floats around being evil. Capable of reading minds and torture . . . Voice seems
to fluctuate between gender when he's bad. A suggested prototype is Rue Paul - are there
any drag queens who'll work for scale out there?!!!!!"
- CD-Rom character description
EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF CAT BEHAVIOR
* LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest
will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening
of cat food.
* LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move
in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
* FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION
- Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, thus, use as little
energy as possible.
* LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags
and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
* LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A
cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
* LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is
composed of Matter + Anti- matter = It Doesn't Matter.
* LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet
"I was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive
Thinking,' and then I thought: What good would that do?"
- Ronnie Shakes
(Or . . . how to photograph your new puppy.)
** Remove film from box and load
** Remove film box from puppy's mouth
and throw in trash
** Remove puppy from trash and brush
coffee grounds from muzzle
** Choose a suitable background for
** Mount camera on tripod and focus
** Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
** Place puppy in pre-focused spot and
return to camera
** Forget about spot and crawl after
puppy on knees
** Focus with one hand and fend off
puppy with other hand
** Get tissue and clean nose print from
** Take flash cube from puppy's mouth
and throw in trash
** Put cat outside and put peroxide on
the scratch on puppy's nose
** Put magazines back on coffee table
** Try to get puppy's attention by
squeaking toy over your head
** Replace your glasses and check
camera for damage
** Grab puppy by scruff of neck and
say, "No! Outside!"
** Call spouse to clean up mess
** Fix a drink
** Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy
"sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning
Go to next column to continue reading]
"I regret to say that we of
the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way
obstructed interstate commerce."
- J. Edgar Hoover
LET ME OUT OF THIS CELL!
AP notes that a national obsession entered Israeli high culture Friday
when an orchestra performed a cell-phone symphony. Each section of the 10-minute medley,
titled "Spring Cellphony," began with a cellphone ring to the tune of a
classical music piece, and was performed before hundreds of phone-toting Israelis at the
opening of a technology exhibition in Jerusalem.
More than two-thirds of all Israelis have cellular service and it is not
uncommon for people to carry two phones, since always being on the phone means you are
impossible to reach! (The average Israeli addict talks for 314 minutes per month, more
than 2.5 times longer than the Euro average.)
"It's a disease," said Isaacs Michael, who attended the performance
which opened to the digital hum of the "William Tell Overture,"
followed by five-second cellular samples of Bach and Mozart. As the concert came to an
end, a cellphone rang loudly and the conductor stopped, pivoted and shot a dirty look at
It was part of the performance, of course. Or . . . was it?
"The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because
their friends thought I didn't exist."
- Aaron Machado
LIFE IS LIKE A - COUGH, COUGH!!
"Life is like a box of chocolates . . . a cheap, thoughtless,
perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is
another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you
mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's
a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee.
But they're gone too fast, and the taste is fleeting.
"So you end up with broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and
teeth-shattering nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is
a . . . is an empty box . . . filled with useless, brown paper wrappers."
- The X-Files' Cigarette-Smoking Man from "Take A Break"
"Somewhere on this globe, every 10 seconds,
there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
- Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
NO MO 'JO'
Shelley Herman writes, "Thanks for including an obit of English comic
Joe Baker in your latest orbit, he was a dear friend. We had a Memorial Celebration for
him at the Magic Castle last week. Close to 200 people were in attendance and told stories
- funny stories, and loving stories. His son-in-law Matt Goodman told of Joe's last night
in the hospital before he died as the family gathered at his bedside. Joe was on oxygen,
unable to speak, but alert, as they faced the difficult task of saying goodbye. While Matt
was speaking to him, Joe's eyes closed, and his head turned to the side, limp. Those
gathered gasped - then Joe opened his eyes again and smiled. It was his last joke.
"I miss him, but when I think of him, I'll always smile."
"Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising
for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives
down. 'Pardon me' he asks, turning on his best charm, 'but is this stool taken?'"
- Jack's Jokes
THE SHRINK'S 23RD PSALM
The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be
deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions. He
motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance. He
positions me in a non-decisional situation. He maximizes my adjustment.
Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will
maintain contact with reality, for my superego is
dominant. His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal
problem and psychopathic compulsions. He promotes my group identification. My personality
is totally integrated.
Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time,
And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.
(Give Me A Break)
"When Bush met with Putin it was be just like
the Cold War. The leaders of the two dominant countries in the same room - one
democratically elected and the other appointed by a select few party members who remain in
office for life."
John @ firstname.lastname@example.org
TRIAL BY JURY . . . AND AUTOMOBILE
As some of you may know, we opened LEGAL BRIEFS to mixed reviews, but
everyone loves "Trial By Jury". "A toe-tapping good time" says Kikkert
in a Beverly Hills blurb; "Under the witty direction of Ann McNaughton, this piece
displays an alarmingly dead-on array of hilarious Los Angeles types. The actors are
exhuberant and their voices lovely", raves The L.A. Times; and the Daily News was
particularly nice to His Honor, saying "The highlight of the production is one of
Gilbert and Sulivan's better-known patter songs . . . performed to perfection by
Proctor." With ever-updated lyrics by me and Sir John Apicella like:
"Addicted stars from Betty Ford, relied on my oration,
And many a homeboy I've released from an LAPD station . . .
" How can you not have fun? Come see us on Saturday the 23rd, (matinee
and evening at 2 and 8), on Friday the 28th at 8; and Sunday, July 1 at 7, at the Ivy
Substation on Venice in Culver City, 818.506-VINA.
My talented and goofy wife, Melinda Peterson, was forced to drop out of the
production after sustaining various fractures to essential parts of her lovely body in a
single-vehicle accident, Friday week. She has been ably replaced by Gigi Bermingham, but
the cast misses her very much.
Now that she's resting at home, we wish her
a speedy recovery so that she can go off to the Milwaukee Rep in September to play an
87-year-old woman in Lilian Garret-Groag's "The Magic Fire."
If she uses a cane in the role, I hope she'll only be acting!
* FIRESIGN SITE: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE SITE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http://www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com