PLANET PROCTOR 2001
Volume 13

PP as "Judge"
From the Antaeus production of
"Legal Briefs"
The Majesty of the Law
in Four Short Plays.


"I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!"
- Tom Lehrer



WHAT - QUIT SHOWBIZ?

   Supposedly genuine e-mail exchanges between Jennifer Lopez's people and WB re: changing her billing to "J Lo" on "Angel Eyes" . . .
   From: Martha Hudson, Publicity Manager, Warner Bros Pictures RE: "Angel Eyes" tweaks - Yes, we got your fax . . . I thought the publicist said Jennifer wanted to do anything to promote this movie.
   From: Lucille LeSueur - Tweaks? Of course, she wants to do *anything*. (Thought you said you got the fax.) She merely wants you to meet her halfway.
   From: Martha - Lucy, how can I put this? (I suppose I should phone, but I'm too upset) According to this fax, you're asking us to pull all the one-sheets, posters and prints of the movie in order to bill Jennifer as "J.Lo" instead of her [expletive deleted] God-given name. This is *not* going halfway, unless she intends to pay for the millions out of her own pocket. We are talking here about a movie that opens in two weeks!! The junket is tomorrow!! Are you guys smoking crack over there with Robert Downey? The bottom line (and I've got backup on this): She signed onto this project as "Jennifer Lopez." She <so help me> is going to be billed as "Jennifer Lopez." We can't help it if she's decided to get a diva transplant.
   From: Lucille - Okay, I'm going to do you a big favor, Martha. I'm not going to repeat what you just said to J.Lo. But only because I don't want to see her go to jail FOR RIPPING OUT YOUR ORGANS WITH HER BARE HANDS! I simply can't believe the lack of respect here. Maybe you can play these games with "James" Caviezel (or is it "Jim"? . . . Gee, I guess he can't make up his mind, either.) But J.Lo, clearly, is no "James"/"Jim" Caviezel. She is the world's preeminent female celebrity. She has more talent in her ass than most people have in their tiny finger. J.Lo is not just an actress. She is not just a singer. She is not just a celebrity. She is a movement. (Why do I even have to say this?) She feels extra-determined that "Jennifer Lopez" isn't where her movement is at these days. She is "J. Lo."
   From: Martha - Okay, how about this as a compromise: I've seen this critic guy on the Internet. He calls Jennifer "J.Lo's Magical Butt." That enough of a "movement" for you? P.S.: I'd like to see "J.Lo" try to rip out my organs. I hear my liver would grow back anyway. Which is more than I can say for her movie career after this P.O.S. opens.
From: Lucille - Miss Hudson: This note is to inform you that J. Lo has taken ill and will be unable to attend Saturday's press junket at the Four Seasons in Beverly Hills. She respectfully sends her regrets.
   From: Martha - Dearest Lucy: Kiss, kiss. We're sorry to hear about poor Jennifer Lopez. At least we won't blow our kissing-and-fawning budget tomorrow. We'll need it for that Travolta movie [Swordfish] coming up.


   "This isn't right. It isn't even wrong." - Physicist Wolfgang Pauli


BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS . . .

   I said "supposedly", didn't I . . . and Edie McClurg adds:
   "I talked with a friend who works at Warner Bros and he said [the above] is a comedy bit written by a new website (like Hollywood Stock Exchange) to get publicity. Well, it worked on me. Paul Willson mentioned that the name Lucille LeSueur was Joan Crawford's real name. I thought it sounded familiar. It was good writing; but it was funnier when I thought it was real.
   Love, Edie"


   "200-year-old androgynous character who stylishly floats around being evil. Capable of reading minds and torture . . . Voice seems to fluctuate between gender when he's bad. A suggested prototype is Rue Paul - are there any drag queens who'll work for scale out there?!!!!!"
- CD-Rom character description


EINSTEIN'S THEORY OF CAT BEHAVIOR

* LAW OF CAT INERTIA - A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food.
* LAW OF CAT MOTION - A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.
* FIRST LAW OF CAT ENERGY CONSERVATION - Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, thus, use as little energy as possible.
* LAW OF BAG/BOX OCCUPANCY - All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.
* LAW OF FURNITURE REPLACEMENT - A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.
* LAW OF CAT COMPOSITION - A cat is composed of Matter + Anti- matter = It Doesn't Matter.
* LAW OF CAT OBEDIENCE - As yet undiscovered. 
(Ivan's Jokes)


   "I was going to buy a copy of 'The Power of Positive Thinking,' and then I thought: What good would that do?"
- Ronnie Shakes


SAY "ARF"

(Or . . . how to photograph your new puppy.)

** Remove film from box and load camera
** Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
** Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle
** Choose a suitable background for photo
** Mount camera on tripod and focus
** Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth
** Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera
** Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees
** Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand
** Get tissue and clean nose print from lens
** Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash
** Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose
** Put magazines back on coffee table
** Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head
** Replace your glasses and check camera for damage
** Grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No! Outside!"
** Call spouse to clean up mess
** Fix a drink
** Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning
(Ivan again)


Go to next column to continue reading]


     "I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce."
- J. Edgar Hoover


LET ME OUT OF THIS CELL!

   AP notes that a national obsession entered Israeli high culture Friday when an orchestra performed a cell-phone symphony. Each section of the 10-minute medley, titled "Spring Cellphony," began with a cellphone ring to the tune of a classical music piece, and was performed before hundreds of phone-toting Israelis at the opening of a technology exhibition in Jerusalem.
   More than two-thirds of all Israelis have cellular service and it is not uncommon for people to carry two phones, since always being on the phone means you are impossible to reach! (The average Israeli addict talks for 314 minutes per month, more than 2.5 times longer than the Euro average.)
   "It's a disease," said Isaacs Michael, who attended the performance which opened to the digital hum of the "William Tell Overture," followed by five-second cellular samples of Bach and Mozart. As the concert came to an end, a cellphone rang loudly and the conductor stopped, pivoted and shot a dirty look at the audience.
   It was part of the performance, of course. Or . . . was it?


"The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn't exist."
- Aaron Machado


LIFE IS LIKE A - COUGH, COUGH!!

   "Life is like a box of chocolates . . . a cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, and the taste is fleeting.
   "So you end up with broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-shattering nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a . . . is an empty box . . . filled with useless, brown paper wrappers."
- The X-Files' Cigarette-Smoking Man from "Take A Break"


   "Somewhere on this globe, every 10 seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
- Sam Levenson (1911-1980)


NO MO 'JO'

   Shelley Herman writes, "Thanks for including an obit of English comic Joe Baker in your latest orbit, he was a dear friend. We had a Memorial Celebration for him at the Magic Castle last week. Close to 200 people were in attendance and told stories - funny stories, and loving stories. His son-in-law Matt Goodman told of Joe's last night in the hospital before he died as the family gathered at his bedside. Joe was on oxygen, unable to speak, but alert, as they faced the difficult task of saying goodbye. While Matt was speaking to him, Joe's eyes closed, and his head turned to the side, limp. Those gathered gasped - then Joe opened his eyes again and smiled. It was his last joke.
   "I miss him, but when I think of him, I'll always smile."


   "Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good-looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down. 'Pardon me' he asks, turning on his best charm, 'but is this stool taken?'"
- Jack's Jokes


THE SHRINK'S 23RD PSALM

   The Lord is my external-internal integrative mechanism, I shall not be deprived of gratification for my viscerogenic hungers or my need-dispositions. He motivates me to orient myself toward a non-social object with affective significance. He positions me in a non-decisional situation. He maximizes my adjustment.
   Although I entertain masochistic and self-destructive id impulses, I will maintain contact with reality, for my superego is dominant. His analysis and tranquilizers, they comfort me.
   He assists in the resolution of my internal conflicts despite my Oedipal problem and psychopathic compulsions. He promotes my group identification. My personality is totally integrated.
   Surely my prestige and status shall be enhanced as a direct function of time, And I shall remain sociologically, psychologically and economically secure forever.
(Give Me A Break)


   "When Bush met with Putin it was be just like the Cold War. The leaders of the two dominant countries in the same room - one democratically elected and the other appointed by a select few party members who remain in office for life."
- Dr. John @ dem-florida-strategy@yahoogroups.com


TRIAL BY JURY . . . AND AUTOMOBILE

   As some of you may know, we opened LEGAL BRIEFS to mixed reviews, but everyone loves "Trial By Jury". "A toe-tapping good time" says Kikkert in a Beverly Hills blurb; "Under the witty direction of Ann McNaughton, this piece displays an alarmingly dead-on array of hilarious Los Angeles types. The actors are exhuberant and their voices lovely", raves The L.A. Times; and the Daily News was particularly nice to His Honor, saying "The highlight of the production is one of Gilbert and Sulivan's better-known patter songs . . . performed to perfection by Proctor." With ever-updated lyrics by me and Sir John Apicella like:
   "Addicted stars from Betty Ford, relied on my oration,
   And many a homeboy I've released from an LAPD station . . .
   " How can you not have fun? Come see us on Saturday the 23rd, (matinee and evening at 2 and 8), on Friday the 28th at 8; and Sunday, July 1 at 7, at the Ivy Substation on Venice in Culver City, 818.506-VINA.
   My talented and goofy wife, Melinda Peterson, was forced to drop out of the production after sustaining various fractures to essential parts of her lovely body in a single-vehicle accident, Friday week. She has been ably replaced by Gigi Bermingham, but the cast misses her very much.
   Now that she's resting at home, we wish her a speedy recovery so that she can go off to the Milwaukee Rep in September to play an 87-year-old woman in Lilian Garret-Groag's "The Magic Fire."
   If she uses a cane in the role, I hope she'll only be acting!


6/18/01


 

* FIRESIGN SITE: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE SITE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http://www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
* PP V.O.: http://cedtalent.com/mainpage/voice/index.php


Phil's "Signs of the Times"

That would hurt, wouldn't it?
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim


PLANET PROCTOR
2001 by Phil Proctor

Published 7/7/01