PLANET PROCTOR 2001
Volume 12

Phil and Sinbad
(not the sailor . . .)


"He hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction involved here and merely 'hoped' that there wasn't an afterlife."
- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy"



BUG OFF!

   Sam Longoria, soon to be the producer/director of the first all-digital Western, "Surreal West", informs us that the Y2K bug finally reared its ugly head in Portland, Maine, by supplying new car buyers with ownership titles to "horseless carriages.
   By misreading 2000 as 1900, the DMV computer printed the titles for all vehicles produced "before 1916."


"The universe, she is a bitch."
- Norman MacNeal


MADE IN THE SHADE

   I started the day early when my alarm clock (Made In Japan) went off at 6 a.m., and while my coffeepot (Made In China) perked, I shaved with my electric razor (Made In Hong Kong). I put on a dress shirt (Made In Sri Lanka), designer jeans (Made In Singapore) and tennis shoes (Made In Korea).
   After making breakfast in my new electric skillet (Made In India) I sat down with my calculator (Made In Mexico) to see how much I could afford to spend today. After setting my watch (Made In Taiwan) to the radio (Made In India) I got in my car (Made In Germany) to continue my search for a good paying job.
   At the end of yet another fruitless day, I needed to relax so I slipped into some sandals (Made In Brazil), poured myself a glass of wine (Made In France), turned on the TV (Made In Indonesia), and then wondered why I can't find a decent job - here in AMERICA.


"It's great to be known, but it's even better to be known as strange."
- "Iron Chef's" Gourmet Chairman, Takeshi Kaga


COMING UP ZERO

   Our webmaster, Tiny Dr. Tim, spotted this on CBN.com.
   In order to protect President Bush from the so-called "Zero-Year Curse" which has purportedly led to the death of seven serving presidents, a splinter group of religious leaders are calling for "reaffirming warfare prayer."
   Although they claim that the curse was actually broken "due to widespread nationwide prayer" after the 1980 election of Ronald Reagan who survived an assassination attempt, Gary Bergel, the present president of IFA (Intercessors for America), feels that it's imperative for Christians to "reaffirm the cancellation of the former curse, and cancel prophetic predictions . . . that 'the 2000-elect must die,' because of Zodiac 'conjunctions' and numerological calculations purportedly showing ominous 'vectors' for the new president." (What did that man say?)


   "Mammals claiming to have divine authority are serious pests."
- Author Christopher Hitchens in Brad Schreiber's "Development Hell"


THIS IS REALLY - TO GO!

   Spaced-out Seth Asa sent us an article he found at SPACE.com, announcing that "the world's first space-consumable pizza" was delivered to the International Space Station and promptly devoured by ravenous astronauts.
   The vacuum-sealed pizza, baked by the crew in an onboard oven, was the culmination of almost a year's collaboration between Pizza Hut and Russian nutritionists and was topped with salami because "researchers found that pepperoni did not withstand the 60-day testing process", the company somewhat cryptically said.
   "Wherever there is life," said Dallas-based chief marketing officer Randy Gier, "there will be Pizza Hut . . . " Buurrrp . . .


   "Voices should not be forced; that is to say 'cartoony' . . . Yes, these are animated cereal noises, to be sure, but the character should come organically from the actors' voices & delivery. It's the subtle difference between acting and performing."
- Directions for the voices of "Snap, Crackle & Pop"


MONKEY SEE. . .

   A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot when one day a construction crew turned up to start building a house.
   The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and eventually the construction crew - gems in the rough all - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
   Her mother suggested that they take the dollar to the bank to start a savings account, and once there, the teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age, to which she proudly replied, "I've been working with a crew building a house all week."
   "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
   "I will," the little girl replied, "if those useless c*cksuckers at the lumberyard ever bring us the f*cking wood."
(From George's "Take A Break")


   "Carpe diem parum testicles - Seize the day by the balls!"
- Comedian Dana Snow


CAT/DOG/SAME THING

   Cats do as they like. They rarely listen to you. They are totally unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody. They leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
   * Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats
   Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't hear you when you are in the same room. They growl when they are not happy. When you want to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
   * Conclusion: They are little men in fur coats.
(Ivan's Jokes)


   "Tolerance of dissent is the hallmark of a mature party, and it is well past time for the Republican Party to grow up."
- Senator John McCain


[Go to next column to continue reading]



   SEX AND THE SINGLE COUNTRY

   A recent survey states that the average Briton has sex 2,580 times in his or her life, with five different people, and some 42 percent of married Brits manage a bit of sex on the side.
   Italians, long regarded as sex legends, are the least sexually active people in Europe . . . less than 100 times a year; and when they do do it, it takes less time - 14 minutes.
   But Thailand produces sprinters who do it the quickest, 10 minutes on average; and Brazilians have the greatest endurance, lasting an average of 30 minutes. But who's counting . . .


"I think a good commercial would be to show how Tide Detergent can wash the stain out of the Shroud of Turin. The slogan could be: 'Tide, more powerful than God!' "
- Damon Milhem


YOU ARE NOT STARVING WRITER?

   Hello. You are a not starving writer? If so, you do not need to read it. Please, read it if you are a starving writer and want to graduate from it by ones and twos.
   Have you recognized that writing a book or article is an inefficient and troublesome work? I am a Japanese writer in Japan. Last summer, my 2 English books were published in USA. Title: How to Good-bye Depression (If you constrict anus 100 times everyday, Malarkey or Effective Way?), Rejuvenation and Unveiled Hidden Phenix.
   Since then, I have sitten in front of my PC and hustle to promote my books for 10 hours everyday. Fortunately or barely, the book How to Good-bye Depression sales ranking (amazon.com) has decreased to less than 10,000 since January. You know. Less than 10,000 looks like Mount Everest for all authors. I can make $1.50 - $2.00 per book sale. Please, click here. Check it free. Change your life.
   URL: http://www.ngtools.com/


   "The professor asked a slow student if he knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. He answered, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross the Delaware.' "
- Jack's Jokes


FINAL FIRESIGN

   Larrry from the alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre group writes that the season finale of "Earth: Final Conflict" had a Firesign line delivered to an alien asking to be killed rather than to suffer a lingering death because the "core energy" he needed to live forever could not be replenished.
   The actual dialog was something like, "Oh, so it's give me immortality or give me death?"
   (Oh, so Firesign Theatre can't write for episodic?)


"The DVD release of "Cast Away" will feature . . . perhaps the first tribute to a volleyball, a featurette called "Wilson: The Life and Death of a Hollywood Extra."
- USA Today


THE PIDGIN PRAYER

   "God, you our Fadda. You stay inside da sky. We like all da peopo know fo shua how you stay, an dat you good an spesho inside, an we like dem give you plenny respeck. We like you come king ova hea now. We like everybody make jalike you like, ova hea inside da world, alike da angel guys up inside da sky make jalike you like.
   "Give us da food we need fo every day. Let us go, an hemo our shame fo all da kine bad stuff we do to you, jalike us guys let da odda guys go awready, an we no stay huhu wit dem fo all da kine bad stuff dey do to us. No let us get chance fo do bad kine stuff, but take us outa dea, so da Bad Guy no can hurt us. Cuz you our king, You get da real power, an You stay awesome foeva. Dass it!"
   Ya, bro, it's the Lord's Prayer (Matt 6:9-13) in "Da Jesus Book", Hawaiian Pidgin.
- sent by Garry Margolis


   "Pianos Tuned in any language"
- English piano tuner's business card


RAWHIDE IN THE DARK

Rollin', rollin', rollin', though the state is golden,
Keep them blackouts rollin', statewide.
A little colder weather, And we all freeze together,
Wishin' more plants were on the line.
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off, shut 'em down, block 'em out,
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off, statewide!
Brown 'em out, black 'em out, charge 'em more, give 'em less,
Let the pols fix the mess, statewide! Hyaah!!
(Author Unknown)


   "Jesus saves us from HellO DOLLY REVIVALS"
- graffiti near the LA Music Center from Chuck White


GONE BUT NOT LOST

   Crooner Perry Como, cockney comic elf Joe Baker, KFI's gay radio host Andrew Howard - all suddenly gone. But it was the passing of author Douglas Adams of a single, massive heart attack at the ludicrous age of 49 while exercising in a Santa Barbara gym, that created the most flap - of towels, no less; and by complete coincidence, on the day he died, an asteroid was named "arthurdent".
   "He probably wrote one of the greatest radio comedy series ever; certainly the most imaginative," said, Geoffrey Perkins, BBC's head of comedy and Adams' original producer.
   Meanwhile, the "Hitchhiker" screenplay, which Douglas moved here to write, is in turnaround at Disney.


   "Over? Did you say 'over?' Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"
- Bluto in "Animal House", Film Threat Weekly


YOU WANT?

   Finally, we open "Legal Briefs" in rep with "Mercadet" at the Ivy Substation on Venice near Beverly Drive in Culver City next week. If you want to come see us, let me know and I'll send you a JPEG with all the info. Or just call 818.506-VINA for information and reservations. The Judge has spoken!


   "If I were the Michelin man, I'd do a stand-up comedy routine, knocking 'em dead right from the start with 'I just got here, and boy, are my arms tires.' "
- J. Hutter


06/01/01


* FIRESIGN: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
* PP V.O.: http://cedtalent.com/mainpage/voice/index.php



Phil's "Signs of the Times"

Chinese closswalk?
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim


PLANET PROCTOR
2001 by Phil Proctor

Published 06/03/01