Longoria, soon to be the producer/director of the first all-digital Western, "Surreal West", informs us that the Y2K bug finally
reared its ugly head in Portland, Maine, by supplying new car buyers with ownership titles
to "horseless carriages.
By misreading 2000 as 1900, the DMV computer printed the titles for all
vehicles produced "before 1916."
"The universe, she is a bitch."
- Norman MacNeal
MADE IN THE SHADE
I started the day early when my alarm clock (Made In Japan) went off at 6
a.m., and while my coffeepot (Made In China) perked, I shaved with my electric razor (Made
In Hong Kong). I put on a dress shirt (Made In Sri Lanka), designer jeans (Made In
Singapore) and tennis shoes (Made In Korea).
After making breakfast in my new electric skillet (Made In India) I sat down
with my calculator (Made In Mexico) to see how much I could afford to spend today. After
setting my watch (Made In Taiwan) to the radio (Made In India) I got in my car (Made In
Germany) to continue my search for a good paying job.
At the end of yet another fruitless day, I needed to relax so I slipped into
some sandals (Made In Brazil), poured myself a glass of wine (Made In France), turned on
the TV (Made In Indonesia), and then wondered why I can't find a decent job - here in
"It's great to be known, but it's even better to be known as
- "Iron Chef's" Gourmet Chairman, Takeshi Kaga
COMING UP ZERO
Our webmaster, Tiny Dr. Tim,
spotted this on CBN.com.
In order to protect President Bush from the so-called "Zero-Year
Curse" which has purportedly led to the death of seven serving presidents, a
splinter group of religious leaders are calling for "reaffirming warfare
Although they claim that the curse was actually broken "due to
widespread nationwide prayer" after the 1980 election of Ronald Reagan who survived
an assassination attempt, Gary Bergel, the present president of IFA (Intercessors for
America), feels that it's imperative for Christians to "reaffirm the cancellation of
the former curse, and cancel prophetic predictions . . . that 'the 2000-elect must die,'
because of Zodiac 'conjunctions' and numerological calculations purportedly showing
ominous 'vectors' for the new president." (What did that man say?)
"Mammals claiming to have divine authority are
- Author Christopher Hitchens in Brad Schreiber's "Development
THIS IS REALLY - TO GO!
Spaced-out Seth Asa sent us an article he found at SPACE.com, announcing
that "the world's first space-consumable pizza" was delivered to the
International Space Station and promptly devoured by ravenous astronauts.
The vacuum-sealed pizza, baked by the crew in an onboard oven, was the
culmination of almost a year's collaboration between Pizza Hut and Russian nutritionists
and was topped with salami because "researchers
found that pepperoni did
not withstand the 60-day testing process", the company somewhat cryptically said.
"Wherever there is life," said Dallas-based chief marketing officer
Randy Gier, "there will be Pizza Hut . . . " Buurrrp . . .
"Voices should not be forced; that is to say
'cartoony' . . . Yes, these are animated cereal noises, to be sure, but the character
should come organically from the actors' voices & delivery. It's the subtle difference
between acting and performing."
- Directions for the voices of "Snap, Crackle & Pop"
MONKEY SEE. . .
A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot when one day a
construction crew turned up to start building a house.
The young family's 6-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the
activity going on next door and eventually the construction crew - gems in the
rough all - more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot and gave her little jobs
to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week they even
presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar.
Her mother suggested that they take the dollar to the bank to start a savings
account, and once there, the teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own
pay check at such a young age, to which she proudly replied, "I've been working with
a crew building a house all week."
"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be
working on the house again this week, too?"
"I will," the little girl replied, "if those useless
c*cksuckers at the lumberyard ever bring us the f*cking wood."
(From George's "Take A Break")
"Carpe diem parum testicles - Seize the day by
- Comedian Dana Snow
Cats do as they like. They rarely listen to you. They are totally
unpredictable. When you want to play, they want to be alone. When you want to be alone,
they want to play. They expect you to cater to their every whim. They are moody. They
leave hair everywhere. They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg.
* Conclusion: They are tiny women in
Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture
in the house. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but they don't
hear you when you are in the same room. They growl when they are not happy. When you want
to play, they want to play. When you want to be alone, they want to play. They are great
at begging. They will love you forever if you rub their tummies. They leave their toys
everywhere. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.
* Conclusion: They are little men in
"Tolerance of dissent is the hallmark of a
mature party, and it is well past time for the Republican Party to grow
- Senator John McCain
[Go to next column to continue reading]
SEX AND THE
A recent survey states that the average Briton has sex 2,580 times in his
or her life, with five different people, and some 42 percent of married Brits manage a bit
of sex on the side.
Italians, long regarded as sex
legends, are the least sexually active people in Europe . . . less than 100 times a
year; and when they do do it, it takes less time - 14 minutes.
But Thailand produces sprinters who do it the quickest, 10 minutes on
average; and Brazilians have the greatest endurance, lasting an average of 30 minutes. But
who's counting . . .
"I think a good commercial would be to show how Tide
Detergent can wash the stain out of the Shroud of Turin.
The slogan could be: 'Tide, more powerful than God!' "
- Damon Milhem
YOU ARE NOT STARVING WRITER?
Hello. You are a not starving writer? If so, you do not need to read it.
Please, read it if you are a starving writer and want to graduate from it by ones and
Have you recognized that writing a book or article is an inefficient and
troublesome work? I am a Japanese writer in Japan. Last summer, my 2 English books were
published in USA. Title: How to Good-bye Depression (If you constrict anus 100 times
everyday, Malarkey or
Effective Way?), Rejuvenation and Unveiled Hidden Phenix.
Since then, I have sitten in front of my PC and hustle to promote my books
for 10 hours everyday. Fortunately or barely, the book How to Good-bye Depression sales
ranking (amazon.com) has decreased to less than 10,000 since January. You know. Less than
10,000 looks like Mount Everest for all authors. I can make $1.50 - $2.00 per book sale.
Please, click here. Check it free. Change your life.
"The professor asked a slow student if he knew
what Roe vs. Wade was about. He
answered, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make when he decided to cross
the Delaware.' "
- Jack's Jokes
Larrry from the alt.comedy.firesgn-thtre
group writes that the season finale of "Earth: Final Conflict" had a Firesign
line delivered to an alien asking to be killed rather than to suffer a lingering death
because the "core energy" he needed to live forever could not be replenished.
The actual dialog was something like, "Oh, so it's give me immortality or give me death?"
(Oh, so Firesign Theatre can't write for episodic?)
"The DVD release of "Cast Away" will feature . . . perhaps
the first tribute to a volleyball, a featurette called "Wilson: The Life and Death of
a Hollywood Extra."
- USA Today
THE PIDGIN PRAYER
"God, you our Fadda. You stay inside da sky. We like all da peopo
know fo shua how you stay, an dat you good an spesho inside, an we like dem give you
plenny respeck. We like you come king ova hea now. We like everybody make jalike you like,
ova hea inside da world, alike da angel guys up inside da sky make jalike you like.
"Give us da food we need fo every day. Let us go, an hemo our shame fo
all da kine bad stuff we do to you, jalike us guys let da odda guys go awready, an we no
stay huhu wit dem fo all da kine bad stuff dey do to us. No let us get chance fo do bad
kine stuff, but take us outa dea, so da Bad Guy no can hurt us. Cuz you our king, You get
da real power, an You stay awesome foeva. Dass it!"
Ya, bro, it's the Lord's Prayer (Matt 6:9-13) in "Da Jesus Book",
- sent by Garry Margolis
"Pianos Tuned in any language"
- English piano tuner's business card
RAWHIDE IN THE DARK
Rollin', rollin', rollin', though the state is golden,
Keep them blackouts
A little colder weather, And we all freeze together,
Wishin' more plants were on the line.
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off, shut 'em down, block 'em out,
Turn 'em on, turn 'em off, statewide!
Brown 'em out, black 'em out, charge 'em more, give 'em less,
Let the pols fix the mess, statewide! Hyaah!!
"Jesus saves us from HellO DOLLY REVIVALS"
- graffiti near the LA Music Center from Chuck White
GONE BUT NOT LOST
Crooner Perry Como, cockney comic elf Joe Baker, KFI's gay radio host
Andrew Howard - all suddenly gone. But it was the passing of author Douglas Adams
of a single, massive heart attack at the ludicrous age of 49 while exercising in a Santa
Barbara gym, that created the most flap - of towels, no less; and by complete coincidence,
on the day he died, an asteroid was named "arthurdent".
"He probably wrote one of the greatest radio comedy series ever;
certainly the most imaginative," said, Geoffrey Perkins, BBC's head of comedy and
Adams' original producer.
Meanwhile, the "Hitchhiker" screenplay, which Douglas moved here to
write, is in turnaround at Disney.
"Over? Did you say 'over?' Nothing is over
until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"
- Bluto in "Animal House", Film Threat Weekly
Finally, we open "Legal Briefs" in rep with "Mercadet"
at the Ivy Substation on Venice near Beverly Drive in Culver City next week. If you want
to come see us, let me know and I'll send you
a JPEG with all the info. Or just call 818.506-VINA for information and reservations. The
Judge has spoken!
"If I were the Michelin man, I'd do a stand-up
comedy routine, knocking 'em dead right from the start with 'I just got here, and boy, are
my arms tires.' "
- J. Hutter
FIRESIGN STUFF: http://www.lodestone-media.com
FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
* PP V.O.: http://cedtalent.com/mainpage/voice/index.php