PLANET PROCTOR 2001
From The Tiny
Dr.'s autographed copy of
"In 1890, May Day was first officially observed. If it's such a nice day,
why do pilots scream it when they're crashing?"
- from Patty Paul
Fred Willard copped an American Comedy Award as Best Supporting Actor for his hilarious work in Chris Guest's
"Best In Show"; my daughter, Kristin, read for Neil Simon on Broadway, and our very own Antaeus Company was
presented an L.A. Weekly Theatre Award as Best Production of the Year for our revival of Arthur Miller's "The Man Who Had
All The Luck", directed by Dan Fields at the Ivy Substation, last year.
"The subscription audience holds the seats of our theatres hostage to the mediocrity of its tastes, and serves to impede the further development of the audience for the work that we do."
- Playwright August Wilson
"But the true threats to stability and peace are these nations that are not very transparent, that hide
behind the - that don't let people in to take a look and see what they're up to. They're very kind of authoritarian regimes.
The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis,
for example, to whom we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans."
"Cat's Eyes Road Reflectors were invented by a man whose headlights caught some real cat's eyes in their beams. If the cat had been walking the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener."
- Phil's Funny Facts
SBF Seeks Male companionship - I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping,
fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand; rub me
the right way and I will respond with tender caresses. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work!
"I passed a beggar in NYC sitting at 41st Street and Broadway
holding up a sign that said, 'Tell me off. $2.00.' "
AMMO, AMASS, OMLETTE!
Domino vobiscum. (The pizza guy is here.) Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus. (Remove foil before
microwaving.) Sharpei diem. (Seize the wrinkled dog.) Revelare Pecunia! (Show Me The Money!) No Quid Pro Quo. (I'm Sorry,
We're All Out of Quid.) Cavaeat humanus sic tofu burritus e toga. (Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.) Minutus
cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum. (A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your
"Devil's Disciples" - Back of L.A. biker's jacket, and
"The World Is My Ashtray." - Bumper sticker on his hog.
About the only thing government hasn't taxed is the penis. This is because 90% of the time it is hanging
around unemployed, 7% of the time it is pissed off, 3% of the time it is hard up, and even when gainfully employed it's in the
hole. It has two dependents, both nuts. Now that we're under a Bush administration, Johnsons will be taxed according to size
at a rate applicable to hand-held personal property.
"After a movie depicting the life of Jesus and how he fed the
hungry and healed the sick, the Republicans demanded a rebuttal."
Jack Angel, who is happily married to his agent, sent me a
study illustrating which days men prefer to have intimate relations with their wives. It was discovered that most men
preferred to engage in these frisky activities on days that start with a "T." That's days like:
"The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is incomprehensible."
[Go to next
column to continue reading]
RULES FOR OLD DUFFERS
1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
"A man sent his friends ten different plays-on-words in the hope that at least one
of them would get a laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."
Pat McCartney, city editor The Auburn Journal, has debunked the "Crooked Congress" piece previously
published. "This story originated in a conservative publication in D.C.," he explains, "purportedly intended as
humor. Unfortunately, the right-wing has run with this hoary hoax, and it has acquired an Internet half-life approaching that
of plutonium. " For more visit the Snopes urban legend site @ http://www.snopes.com
"Have you studied the Stanislavsky method?"
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE
10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.
"When a woman is upset, keep quiet." - Advice in a '97 Newsweek from then 103-year-old Edmund Sobieski, married for 80 years to his 100-year-old wife.
An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. and at the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward
with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man
proclaims: "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe
or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
"Working around here is like pissing in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling but
**CERTIFICATE OF UPGRADE TO COMPLETE ASSHOLE**
In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine juvenile behavior and
total dedication to personal gain without regard to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others during
your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
Effective as of this_____day of________2001
"I feel like a 20-year-old, but there's never one around."
HOLD THE STRESSING
Chef/writer Jay Bernzweig has designed this diet to help cope with stress.
"The essence of life is effort."
* FIRESIGN SITE: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE SITE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http://www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
* PP V.O.: http://cedtalent.com/mainpage/voice/index.php
Phil's "Signs of the Times"
The back of the pic reads:
"in Williamsport, Pa.
home of 'Little League Baseball' "
from Phil's private collection.
© 2001 by Phil Proctor