WINNERS ALL!

   Fred Willard copped an American Comedy Award as Best Supporting Actor for his hilarious work in Chris Guest's "Best In Show"; my daughter, Kristin, read for Neil Simon on Broadway, and our very own Antaeus Company was presented an L.A. Weekly Theatre Award as Best Production of the Year for our revival of Arthur Miller's "The Man Who Had All The Luck", directed by Dan Fields at the Ivy Substation, last year.
   We are presently in rehearsal for Balzac's "Mercadet" and "Legal Briefs" which includes an hilarious L.A. take on Gilbert & Sullivan's "Trial By Jury", to be presented at the same venue in June. Here comes the Judge!
   Visit our website at http://www.antaeus.org for more details.

DON'T QUOTE ME!

   "But the true threats to stability and peace are these nations that are not very transparent, that hide behind the - that don't let people in to take a look and see what they're up to. They're very kind of authoritarian regimes. The true threat is whether or not one of these people decide, peak of anger, try to hold us hostage, ourselves; the Israelis, for example, to whom we'll defend, offer our defenses; the South Koreans."
   So spoke the Bush at a Washington, D.C Media roundtable, as reported to the Planet by film director, Alan Meterson. And from a Personals column found in a Santa Monica Holistic tabloid by Peter Bergman:
   "Pretty, Rubenesque muse/shaman/sorceress/dakini yearns for king/warrior/magician/lover life-partner of Jupiterian, bearded bardic, mountain-man proportions in full possession of golden heart/master's furnace/burning desire for cosmic shapeshifting alchemical completion & radio broadcast production."
   Finally, George Moore sent me an article from the April 20th Wall Street Journal where it's reported that the African National Congress rewrote South Africa's official motto in the /Xam language to "!ke e: /xarra //ke", which is pronounced much like the "click" language in "The Gods Must Be Crazy." What they wanted to say was, "Unity In Diversity" but what they said was, "Going To Urinate."
   The Afrikaners are pissed.

MORE ANIMAL TRICKS

   SBF Seeks Male companionship - I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping, fishing trips, cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand; rub me the right way and I will respond with tender caresses. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work!
   Kiss me and I'm yours. I'm a svelte good looking girl who loves to play. Call 565-2121 and ask for Daisy. P.S. The phone number is the ASPCA and I'm an eight week old black Labrador.
(From Ivan)

   "I passed a beggar in NYC sitting at 41st Street and Broadway holding up a sign that said, 'Tell me off. $2.00.' "
- George Moore

AMMO, AMASS, OMLETTE!

   Domino vobiscum. (The pizza guy is here.) Nucleo predicus dispella conducticus. (Remove foil before microwaving.) Sharpei diem. (Seize the wrinkled dog.) Revelare Pecunia! (Show Me The Money!) No Quid Pro Quo. (I'm Sorry, We're All Out of Quid.) Cavaeat humanus sic tofu burritus e toga. (Beware of the man with a tofu burrito in his toga.) Minutus cantorum, minutus balorum, minutus carborata descendum pantorum. (A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.)
   Et tu, pluribus unum? (The government just stabbed me in the back!) Bodicus mutilatimus, unemploymi ad infinitum. (Better take the nose ring out before the job interview.) Motorolus interruptus. (Hold on, I'm going into a tunnel.) Veni, Vidi, Velcro (I came; I saw; I stuck around.) Veni, vidi, Pesci. (I came, I saw, I moidered da bum.) Sic semper tyrannus rex. (Your dinosaur is ill.)
   Nunc Tutus Exitus Computarus. (It's Now Safe To Turn Off Your Computer.)

   "Devil's Disciples" - Back of L.A. biker's jacket, and "The World Is My Ashtray." - Bumper sticker on his hog.
- Phil's Funny Facts

TAX THIS!

   About the only thing government hasn't taxed is the penis. This is because 90% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 7% of the time it is pissed off, 3% of the time it is hard up, and even when gainfully employed it's in the hole. It has two dependents, both nuts. Now that we're under a Bush administration, Johnsons will be taxed according to size at a rate applicable to hand-held personal property.
   Tax brackets are: 10" - 12" Luxury Tax; 8" - 9.99" Pole Tax; 5" - 7.99" Privilege Tax; 4" - 4.99" Nuisance Tax. Penises exceeding 12" are subject to capital gains and willies under 4" are subject to an alternative minimum tax. Taxpayers 60 and over can claim a depletion allowance. Taxpayers 70 and over can claim unemployment benefits.
   Issues still under consideration are: Is there a penalty for early withdrawal? Does circumcision qualify for a casualty or theft loss? Will there be a marriage penalty for same-sex couples? Are condoms deductible as work clothes? Will sports cars trigger an excess profits tax? And does the $2 check-off to a political party constitute hard or soft money?
   (Please do not ask for an extension!)

   "After a movie depicting the life of Jesus and how he fed the hungry and healed the sick, the Republicans demanded a rebuttal."
- Cyberjoke

Jack Angel, who is happily married to his agent, sent me a study illustrating which days men prefer to have intimate relations with their wives. It was discovered that most men preferred to engage in these frisky activities on days that start with a "T." That's days like:
   "Tuesday, Thursday, Thanksgiving, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday and Thunday."

"The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is incomprehensible."
- Albert Einstein

[Go to next column to continue reading]

RULES FOR OLD DUFFERS

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
2. Form a loose grip.
3. Keep your head down.
4. Avoid a quick back swing.
5. Stay out of the water.
6. Try not to hit anyone.
7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you.
8. Don't stand directly in front of others.
9. Quiet please . . . while others are preparing to go.
10. Don't take extra strokes.
Very good. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off.
(Ivan's Jokes)

   "A man sent his friends ten different plays-on-words in the hope that at least one of them would get a laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did."
- Robert Spina

CORREKTIONS

   Pat McCartney, city editor The Auburn Journal, has debunked the "Crooked Congress" piece previously published. "This story originated in a conservative publication in D.C.," he explains, "purportedly intended as humor. Unfortunately, the right-wing has run with this hoary hoax, and it has acquired an Internet half-life approaching that of plutonium. " For more visit the Snopes urban legend site @ http://www.snopes.com
   Also, "If I remember correctly," writes know-it-all Garry Margolis, "Larry Harmon isn't the original Bozo. That honor goes to Pinto Colvig, who voiced the Bozo 78 rpm albums for Capitol in the late '40s - "First I blow the whistle, then you turn the page!"
   Prior to and after he did Bozo, Colvig voiced Goofy for Disney. Harmon bought the rights to the character from Capitol and put Bozo on television. If my failing memory is accurate, Pinto's son, Vance, played Bozo on L.A. television for a while." I'll take that pie in the eye!
   (And by the by, if I seem to repeat material occasionally, it's because a good joke is always worth repeating or - I'm having a senior movement . . . )

   "Have you studied the Stanislavsky method?"
   "No, but I've studied the Smirnoff Method."
- Actor Robert Mitchum responding to George Peppard

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.
  9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
  8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.
  7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."
  6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
  5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
  4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
  3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
  2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
  1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

   "When a woman is upset, keep quiet." - Advice in a '97 Newsweek from then 103-year-old Edmund Sobieski, married for 80 years to his 100-year-old wife.

SCOTCH TAPE

   An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital. and at the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims: "Fair fa' yer sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, painch tripe or thairm: Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
   The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, who immediately launches into: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, But we hae meat and we can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
   And suddenly the next patient sits up and declaims. "Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie, O what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi' bickering brattle I wad be laith to run and chase thee, wi' murdering prattle!"
   "Well," said the Englishman to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."
   "Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "This is the Serious Burns Unit."

   "Working around here is like pissing in a dark suit; you get a warm feeling but nobody notices."
- Sign in Universal Studios editing bay, from Hamilton Camp

**CERTIFICATE OF UPGRADE TO COMPLETE ASSHOLE**

Awarded to__________________________

   In recognition of your obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
   To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts your status,
   JUST BE YOURSELF . . . !!!!!

Effective as of this_____day of________2001

"I feel like a 20-year-old, but there's never one around."
- Milton Berle, 92

HOLD THE STRESSING

   Chef/writer Jay Bernzweig has designed this diet to help cope with stress.
BREAKFAST: 1 grapefruit, 1 slice whole-wheat toast, 1 cup skim milk
LUNCH: Small portion lean, steamed chicken, cup of spinach, cup herbal tea, 1 Hershey kiss
AFTERNOON TEA: Rest of the kisses in the bag, Tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with chocolate-chip topping
DINNER: 4 bottles of wine (red or white), 2 loaves garlic bread, 1 family size supreme pizza, 3 Snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK: Whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eat directly from freezer)
(Remember "stressed" spelled backwards is just - "desserts.")
*Send this to four people and you will lose two pounds.
*Send this to six people and you will lose four pounds.
*Send this to all the people you know or ever knew, and you will lose 10 pounds.
If you delete this message, you will immediately gain 10 pounds.

   "The essence of life is effort."
- L.A. Talk show host Larry Elder

Mayday, 2001