THE KILLING FIELDS

   In a precautionary measure the British Government has decided that in order to safeguard the future of British farming, everyone in the United Kingdom should be destroyed.
   This policy was agreed to by the Prime Minister at a secret policy meeting in Gloucester in front of 500 angry farmers bearing lit torches and waving pitchforks. They insisted that as simple country-dwelling folk they could not be expected to deal with "citified new-fangled nonsense" such as insurance and vaccinations".
   Poverty-stricken farmer Derek Gadd of Oswestry, speaking by satellite link from his luxury yacht in the Adriatic, said that if this crisis continued he would soon be down to his last three million, demanding that the taxpayers "bail me out immediately".
   Mr. Blair has concluded that the only sure-fire way of protecting farmers is to ensure that "all living things" within a hundred mile radius of the British coast line are "immediately exterminated". The army and police have been called in, and the slaughter of men, women and children is due to begin at midnight. It is expected that within days, mass burning of villages will commence, with all people in Cheshire due for destruction a week on Tuesday.
   Television companies are reported to be "overjoyed" at this news. Channel 4 is already planning "Big Barbecue," a game show where the public will ring in and vote on which part of the country is to be incinerated next; and ITV will be on air 24 hours, hosted by Trevor McDonald and Des Lynam, who will be ceremonially torched at the conclusion of the operation.
   The Prime Minister's Press Secretary said that the plan was unlikely to affect the date of the General Election.

   "The problem with the gene pool for politicians is that there is no lifeguard on duty."
- author unknown

THE YOUNG AND THE FOOLISH

   Planeteer Jan Cobler notes that Jessie Jackson has added former Chicago Democrat Congressman Mel Reynolds to the Rainbow/PUSH Coalition. He was among the 176 criminals excused in President Clinton's last-minute pardon orgy, with a commutation of his six-and-a-half-year federal sentence for 15 convictions of wire fraud, bank fraud and deceptions to the FEC.
   He is most notorious, however, for serving five years for sleeping with an underage campaign volunteer and thus creating a first in American politics: an ex-Congressman who had sex with a subordinate won clemency from a President who had sex with a subordinate, then was hired by a Clergyman who had sex with a subordinate.

   "Merrill Lynch is issuing three new bonds: the Monica, which has no maturity; the Gore, which has no interest; the Clinton, which has no principal."
- Cindy Adams, NY Post gossip columnist

LUCKY U.S.

   Friday the 13th passed in the Proctor household without a hitch because we stayed home, but several of our brilliant readers remarked that we come from a star-crossed country:
13 original colonies,
13 signers of the Declaration of Independence,
13 stripes on our flag,
13 letters in "E Pluribus Unum",
13 steps on the Pyramid,
13 letters in the Latin above,
13 stars above the Eagle,
13 plumes of feathers on each span of the Eagle's wing,
13 bars on that shield,
13 leaves on the olive branch,
13 fruits, and if you look closely,
13 arrows, and finally, for minorities, the
13th Amendment.

   "For us, the act of bumping into someone is an act of the moment. For the Chinese, bumping into someone is bumping into all that went before him."
- Douglas Paal, D.C. President of the Asia Pacific Policy Center

A MOO-VING ENTRY

   Jack" I'm No" Angel tells me that a farm lady competed in a contest where she had to complete a jingle with the first line, "I like Carnation best of all" in 50 words or less, to win a large cash prize. Well, she was flabbergasted when a Carnation Milk representative came to her door a couple of months later to announce that her entry was deemed best but could not be published, so they were giving her a consolation award of $1,000. She had written:

"I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no shit to haul.
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch,
Just punch a hole in the son of a bitch."

   "Doors Closed For Your Comfort."
- Sign at a Goshen, Indiana Car Wash

MARTIAN SPACE PAR-TEE!!!

   On Thursday, April 12th, 2001, Earth celebrated the fortieth anniversary of Yuri Gagarin's historic trip as the first human in space with 48 parties in 24 nations on 7 continents; a massive, spontaneous global effort.
   As Gagarin said, "Looking at the earth from afar, you realize it is too small for conflict and just big enough for cooperation."

   "We can sympathize with a child who is afraid of the dark, but the tragedy of life is, most people are afraid of the light."
-Magic Mike

REAL NEWS

   Reuters and Magic Mike inform me that the popular Kiev paper Den ("Day") quoted local customs officers as saying a dangerous Russian fugitive had tried to cross into Slovakia from western Ukraine with another person's pass, and to effectuate his disguise, had asked a surgeon to glue on artificial ears. Unfortunately, the "bad doctor" used a cheap Russian-made medical glue and the fakes fell off at the decisive moment. Never heard of such a thing!
   And speaking of falls, a small dog plunged to its death from a ninth-floor suburban Paris apartment, hitting a Japanese man who suffered serious injuries, including barked shins, according to Le Parisien . Lucky it wasn't raining cats, too.

[Go to next column to continue reading]

   "A good cat will make about a pound and a quarter of sausage. A bad cat will make less."
- Dick Carlson

REALLY INSTANT REPLAY

   My brother-in-law, writer Jim Brice, tells me that his folks were recently here at a taping of "Frasier, " thanks to his sister, Gail. It was the final show of the season,and so many network bigwigs were on hand that they had to view the show on monitors off set.
   The cast wasn't more than five minutes into rehearsing the first scene when Jim's dad asked to leave, naturally prompting Gail to ask why. "It's a re-run," he explained. He didn't like the episode the first time he saw it and couldn't be persuaded that this was a live taping of a brand-new show.

   "Hollywood is like being nowhere and talking to nobody about nothing."
- Film director Michelangelo Antonioni

HIPPITY HOP

   At our Easter brunch in Beverly Hills, a small child started crying at a nearby table. To induce him to stop, the manager said, "C'mon, let's go make a latte." It worked, and Melinda and I enjoyed our coffees in silence.
   And in Sunday's L.A. Times' Metro section, in an article about the holiday falling on the same day this year for Orthodox and Western churches, the Very Reverend (and Very Witty) John Bakas, dean of a Greek Orthodox Cathedral, said:
   "Instead of looking for an empty tomb, [worshippers] will be looking for an empty parking place."

   "The difference between me and a madman is, I am not mad" 
-  Salvador Dali

RUGRATS RULE!!!

   In July, the Rugrats will receive their very own star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, honoring ten years of achievements in the entertainment community, joining recently cemented honorees like Steven Speilberg, Cuba Gooding, Jr. and Magic Johnson.An animated "Howard" may be there.
   Also, the Antaeus Company is cranking up for rehearsals of Balzac's prescient financial farce "Mercadet" to be presented at Culver City's Ivy Substation for 5 weeks from June 2, in rep with "Trial By Jury, L.A." and other "Legal Briefs"' including Cervantes' "Divorce Court from Hell" directed by our own Emily Chase (and featuring Judge Judy or someone like her) and Melinda and me as a couple of old farts.Quite a stretch.
   And finally, our talented pal, Bill Larkin, who paws the keys nightly at Universal Citywalk's "Howl at the Moon", has just released his first musical collection of personal and hysterical comic ditties entitled, "Bill's Family Funtime." If you want to get one for your family, tell 'em Phil sent ya and go to:

www.billlarkin.com

   "Without art, the crudeness of reality would make the world unbearable"
- From Canyongirl

OF THE PEOPLE . . .

   The Reduced Shakespeare Company's Adam Long reminded me recently of Mark Twain's still pertinent thoughts about our Government in his "Life on the Mississippi", first published in 1883:
   "Bribery, jobbery, and general corruption were brisk at Washington. Congress contained three or four great minds, capable statesmen, men of lofty aims and blemish-less character; twenty or thirty men of high pluck and independence; many rascals; also, scattered among the inconspicuous remainder, several honest men. But mainly the place was a den of thieves and a sort of asylum for pauper intellects."

   "It's BST, Bush Standard Time. Remember to set your clocks back 20 years."
- Phil's Funny Facts

SIR HARRY, BROTHER THEODORE, MR. HAPPY

   Sir Harry Secombe succumbed to the surrealism of death at 79 after a glorious career in his native England. Prince Charles was a big fan as was his father, Prince Philip, who said, "He was one of the great life-enhancers of our age and gave pleasure and constant happy laughter to so many of us throughout his life, most particularly when he was part of the never-to-be-forgotten 'Goon Show.' "
   We also bid a found farewell to the sardonic comic master "Brother Theodore" (Gottlieb), who crawled off life's stage on all fours last week, true to "Quadrupidism" until the last. Once the despot of Mars in an early Republic Serial which Peter Bergman and I re-voiced for "J-Men Forever" and an actor I worked with in a scene that never made the final cut of Henry Jaglom's "A Safe Place", he once said to friend Ron Smith: "The best thing is not to be born. But who is as lucky as that? To whom does it happen? Not to one among millions and millions of people."
   And a smiley-faced adieu to Harvey Ball, 70, the sad-sack faced creator of the 70's "Have A Nice Day" design that haunts us still, although it brought him only $45 when created as a "friendship campaign" to promote an unfriendly takeover of one Worster insurance company by another.
   Having survived a Second World War enemy shelling on Okinawa that killed three of his buddies, he returned stateside with the understanding that "every day was a gift."What a wonderful memento he has left behind.

   "In Elkhart, Indiana, a barber cannot threaten to cut off a kid's ears."
- Phil's Funny Facts

EVERYBODY SING!

   And a Happy Birthday to my darling and talented daughter, Kristin, who turns 23 tomorrow. Remember our friend Sam Longoria's Two Rules Of Success:
1) "Never tell anyone everything you know."

04/15/01

* FIRESIGN SITE: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE SITE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http://www.lodestone-media.com
* FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
* PP V.O.: http://cedtalent.com/mainpage/voice/index.php