London Correspondent Larry
Belling sent me this sweet story of unrequited love, from Reuters. It seems that a
sex-starved Norwegian moose fell head over hooves for a seductive Ford "KA" but
caca-ed on it when it failed to respond to his hot, horny love. The car's owner, Leif
Borgersen said he found his poor little KA abandoned, bathed all over
with lick marks, slobber and poop.
yard was simply transformed into an outdoor lavatory," he told the Telemark Daily
News. "I'm a bit uncertain whether from now on I should risk letting the car stand
alone and defenseless in the front yard . . ."
"Physics is like sex. Sure it has some practical results, but that's not why we do
- Late legendary physicist, Richard
"Wow! Pow! Zap!! Watch
out! DUCK!!!" It's the first day of Spring," wrote Magic Mike, whose Dad taught
him from his "yute" - "Tis Spring, da boyd is on da wing.; but that is
absoyd. The wing is on the boyd," remembered, no doubt, from some obscure "Dead
End Kids "movie in the 30's.
Rodney Lee observed
that this week also marked the final plunge to earth of the Russian Mir space station, which our
own Mission Control had been watching carefully, even changing its name to - "the
Nasdaq Space Station."
But you know,
"Mir" means both "Peace" and "The World" in Russian; so what
crashed? Pieces of the world? Or the world's hopes for peace? Well, in fact putting the
pieces of the world's new space station together is helping us all to keep the peace.
Meanwhile, back on
terra infirma, the irrepressible Patty Paul informs us that in Britain, ladies will be
able to make their chests two-cup sizes bigger thanks to "Gossard's Ultra-bra
Airotic", which lets gals increase their cleavage thanks to strategically placed
airbags and a built-in rubber pump. Modeled by celebrity babe, "Scary Spice", it has
already had 100,000 orders.
words," notes Patty, "Sales are not likely to sag anytime soon."
"Magic, like sex, is best experienced in person."
- Penn Gillette
"PAY RAISE" OF ACTORS
"Actors are some of the
most driven, courageous people on the face of the earth. They deal with more day-to-day
rejection in one year than most people do in a lifetime. Every day, actors face the
financial challenge of living a freelance lifestyle, the disrespect of people who think
they should get 'real' jobs, and their own fear that they'll never work again. Every day
they have to ignore the possibility that the vision to which they have dedicated their
lives is a pipe dream. With every
passing year, many of them watch as the other people their age achieve the predictable
milestones of normal life - the cars, the family, the house, the nest egg.
"But they stay
true to their dream, in spite of sacrifices. Why? Because actors are willing to give their
entire lives to a moment - to that line, that laugh, that gesture, or that interpretation
that will stir the audience's soul. Actors are beings who have tasted life's nectar in that crystal moment when they poured
out their creative spirit and touched another's heart.
In that instant,
they were as close to magic, God and perfection as anyone could ever be. And in their own,
they know that to dedicate oneself to that moment is worth a thousand lifetimes."
So observes David Ackert
by way of actor/writer Vanna Bonta
"We have in our
conscious and unconscious minds a great vocabulary of images, and I think all human
communication is based on these images, as are our dreams."
- Tennessee Williams, 1953
COW S**T I KNOW?
In the face of a terrible and
apparently pandemic epidemic, this important report is re-published here from Planet Farm
Expert, Arlene Winnick:
has not yet been any official confirmation from health officials, 'and there probably
won't be for the foreseeable future,' there are indications emerging from within the
medical research community that Mad Cow Disease is not
a single malady, but one of a variety of similar conditions of varying degrees of
serious of these, even more dangerous than Mad Cow Disease itself, is Enraged Cow Disease
while, at the other end of the severity spectrum, the least threatening condition is
Mildly Provoked Cow Disease. Other variants, listed here in order of increasing severity,
include: Perplexed Cow Disease, Annoyed Cow Disease, Indignant Cow Disease, Outraged Cow
Disease and Angry Cow Disease.
supplement insufficient government funding, the private Placate - a - Cow Foundation has
begun raising money to support research through the sale of a special recording by Barry Manilow and
the remaining Osmonds (or at least those who are still speaking to each other) of 'Make
Some Cow Happy' (make just one cow happy, make one cow the cow you cling to, etc.) Future
fund-raising efforts include a remake of Ella Mae Morse's 'Cow Cow Boogie' and a cable TV
sitcom production of Tennessee Williams' 'The Milk Train Doesn't Stop Here Anymore', which
will probably run until the cows come home.
developments, a Congressional committee will begin holding hearings next week on Foot and
Mouth Disease during which at least some of the members will presumably put one into the
"Overheard on the
Range: Cow #1: What do you think of this Mad Cow Disease talk?
Cow #2: What do I care. I'm a helicopter."
- Both of the above lifted brazenly
from Richard Schulenberg's "And Rather Muse Than Ask Why"
According to the Birmingham
Sunday Mercury, a NY publishing firm is trying to figure out why no one noticed that one
of their employees had been sitting dead at his desk for FIVE DAYS before anyone asked if
he was feeling okay.
51, a proof-reader for 30 years, had a heart attack in the open-plan office he shared with
23 other workers. He quietly passed away on Monday, but nobody noticed until Saturday
morning when an office cleaner asked why he was still working during the weekend.
always the first guy in each morning and the last to leave at night," commented his
boss Elliot Wachiaski, "So no one found it unusual that he was in the same position
all that time and didn't say anything."
was proof-reading manuscripts of medical textbooks when he died. The moral of the story?
Don't work too hard. Nobody notices anyway.
"Is not life a
hundred times too short to bore ourselves?"
"Double Agent? Your
agent who doesn't find you work, but gets deals for those you despise."
- Gary Belkin
[Go to next column to continue reading]
* FIRESIGN SITE: http://www.firesigntheatre.com
* FIREZINE SITE: http://www.firezine.net
* FIRESIGN PRODUCT: http://www.lodestone-media.com
FUNNY TIMES: http://www.funnytimes.com
* PP: http://cedtalent.com/mainpage/voice/index.php
CALL THIS ART?
From John "The Antic
Antaean" Achorn: A student goes to a Japanese
painter to learn about art. On the first day, the Master brought the student a small
painting and said, "Contemplate this." Then he left the room.
This went on every day for
7 years. One day in the 7th year the Master comes in and gives the student a painting and
says "Contemplate this," and leaves the room.
Angered, the student
storms out and runs into one of his friends who asks, "Why are you so mad?"
"I've come to learn
to be a great artist from the
Master," the student replies, "and every day for 7 years all he does is give
me a new painting and asks me to contemplate it. For 7 years! I feel like I'm learning
nothing! And today, to add insult to injury, he brought me a rather inferior painting,
judging from the weak brush strokes, overuse of ink and non-integrated forms."
"Painter Was Also an Impressionist"
- AP headline from Richard Schulenberg
IN A NAME
Over the past five years,
Planeteer Jay Bernzsweig registered several domain names, which now, due to Boom.Dot.Bust, he is offering for
sale. "No reasonable offer," he asserts, "will be refused," (No
agnostics can use a good laugh . . . send in the clones!"
- Ed Kysar
IN A RUT
Rich DeMaio recently attended
a Director's Guild presentation honoring "The Rutles" and says Neil Innes was
asked how he made The Rutles' songs sound so much
like those of The Beatles.
had to do," he answered, "was write Beatles music and leave out the originality
and inspiration!" He also revealed that when a reporter asked Mick Jagger how he got
the deep lines in his face, Mick replied, "Laughter."
the reporter retorted, "is THAT funny . . . !"
Eric Idle, in trying to answer a Monty Python
question, finished with, "That doesn't really ANSWER the question, but it avoids it .
we knew we were going to be The Beatles, we would have tried harder!"
- George Harrison
A GREEN SPRING
Michael Bell forwarded me a piece from his friend's
Aunt Fran in Brooklyn, who supplies him with his "Jewish crack...s".
Since the National Education Association is
celebrating "Read Across America" by encouraging adults to read to children,
"Green Eggs and Ham" is naturally one of the most popular books - and there's
the dilemma. How can Jewish kids celebrate green Eggs and "HAM"? So, in honor of
(and with apologies to) the estate of Dr.
Seuss, here's a new ending:
"Will you never see?/They are not KOSHER,/So let me be!
I will not eat green eggs and ham./I will not eat them, Sam-I-am.
But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit. Or I will try them with some brisket.
I'll eat green eggs in a box./If you serve them with some lox.
And those green eggs are worth a try/ Scrambled up in matzoh brie!
And in a boat upon the river,/I'll eat green eggs with chopped liver!
So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,/But troubled by green eggs and ham,
Let your friends in on the scoop: Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!"
"If a kid with a rifle
comes out of the library and sees his shadow, there'll be six more weeks of school
- April Winchell, KFI Radio
CRASH! BANG! BOOM!!!!
On March 22, William Hanna, of the revered Hanna-Barbera cartoon company, lost
his animation at the age of 90, while March 24 marks the 90th birthday of his surviving
partner, Joe Barbera.
creating such classic entertainment as Scooby Doo, the Jetsons, the Flintstones and
cross-over artists Tom and Jerry, who danced with Gene Kelly in REAL movies, I had the
pleasure of working with him as "King Gerard" in the "Smurfs" series,
as welll as in a Christmas special with my wife, Melinda.
Also, Richard Stone, a composer who won seven Emmys for his work on Animaniacs,
Pinky and the Brain and Tazmania,
which I also worked on, joined the heavenly orchestra on March 9 at 47, after a long
battle with cancer. Stone was widely acknowledged as the modern-day successor to Carl
Stalling, whose zany musical scores accompanied many of the classic Warner Bros. cartoons.
Stone also scored over a hundred of the Steven Spielberg-produced "Tiny Toon
Adventures", reviving the Stalling tradition of fully orchestrated scores,
synchronized music to character movement and a sly musical sense of humor. Donations may
be made to the Pancreatic Cancer Action Network, P.O.
Box 1010, Torrance, Calif. 90505.
"Exiting a movie that had
particularly good audio, an audience member was overheard saying, 'Wasn't it well lit! . .
. Great audio can brighten a film like no other production element.' "
- Lee Davis of Sound Mind Theater
AND MORE OF HEAVEN'S GAINS
We've lost some real
luminaries recently, like Ann Sothern
at 92, who said in 1987 "I think Hollywood has been terrible to me. Hollywood doesn't
respond to a strong woman, not at all. How dare a woman be competitive or produce her own
shows?" That same year, she earned her first Oscar nomination for "The Whales of
to the Mamas and the Papas' John
Phillips at 65. Best remembered, I think, in an L.A. Times letter from Michelle Hart
who wrote of Phillips' philanthropy in driving them home after their car became
unavailable after a visit to their dying grandmother. John responded when complimented on
his vehicle, "It's a Lamborghini, especially built for me, especially built for my
karma, for situations such as these, when I can help someone who needs it."
And finally, close
the book on Robert
Ludlum, master of the spy thriller, who dotted his last "i" at 73. I worked
with him as an actor with Vaughn Meader and the late, great Ronny Graham in the mid
sixties when he ran the New Jersey Paramus Playhouse.
A mutual friend, director Don Wilde, had encouraged him to try his hand
at playwriting, but said of his first effort, "The plot is too complicated, but it
would make a great book." The rest is publishing history . . .and now, silence.
"I enjoy receiving
Planet Proctor very much. It helps make up for the loss of Pluto."
- Former classmate, John Field