Volume 05

The two Phils as "The Two Eddies."

"Scientists have discovered the reason for the 6.8 Seattle quake . . .
Bill Gates dropped his wallet."
- from Jack Angel


   Flash! Fred Wiebel, Jr., dauntless and penniless Freditor of the fabled Firezine, is offering two new re-mastered Firesign Theatre archival CDs: "Questions & Answers/Firesign Live in '75", and Austin & Ossman's "Big Broadcast Of 1976" to raise $cratch to publish Firezine 8. Please help, and get a heap of laffs in the bargain, at
   Also keep an ear (and eye) out for Rykodisc's month-end release of "Back From The Shadows", the first in a series of Firesign DVDs from Whirlwind Media, which includes an hour-long interview and video goodies to augment this rare Mobile Fidelity reunion set.

   "I love a girl who wears leather pants, because when you take them off, she smells like a new car."
- Sheldon Leonard from Jack Riley


   Claire Petersky suggests that George W. Bush should not limit the government's proposal of faith-based efforts just to the human service sector but should support a faith-based missile defense system (FBMD) as well.
   It would not violate arms controls agreements we have signed in the past, calming many foreign policy experts and allies who fear development of the National Missile Defense system (NMD) will trigger a new arms race; and secondly, the $12.7 billion NMD is projected to cost could be used instead for our national parks, education, housing the homeless, etc. as the FBMD could be practically free!
   Granted, a faith-based system may end up being ineffective, states Ms Petersky, but after spending more than $50 billion on NMD anti-missile technology since 1983, we still have scant evidence that it works either.
On our coinage it states, "In God We Trust." It's time for George W. Bush to extend that trust in the protection of our nation.

   "According to an article in Modern Maturity, a munchkin approached Judy Garland during the filming of 'Oz' and said: 'I'm going to screw you by the time this picture's done.' To which she replied: 'If you do, and I ever find out . . .'"
- Ivan's Jokes


   Eric Boardman reports that the audience of Jayne Carroll's Portland, Oregon-based political talk radio show was recently polled for the official name for Bill & Hillary Clinton's $1.7 million Chappaqua, New York home. Some suggestions: "Perjurers' Palace, The House of Bill's Repute, The House of 7 Felonies, The Clinton Compost, Drawers Downs, Sin Simeon, Hillbilly Villa, The Knee Pad, The White Trash House, The Blight House, Dogpatch on the Hudson, The Hen House, The Out House, The Love Shack, and Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast."
   But the clear, hands-down winner was - DISGRACELAND. "

   "Pediatricians for Peter Pan announced today that his testicles have finally descended."
- Yuri Rasovsky


   A four-year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked into her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed silent.
   Next, he looked down her throat. "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" he asked. Again, the little girl was silent. Then as he listened to her heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"
   "Oh, no!" the little girl finally replied. "Jesus is in my heart - Barney's on my underpants."

   "The three stages of getting sick are: ill, pill and bill."
- From Patty Paul


* "Analysis: Biblical plagues hit Britain" - United Press International
* "Putin A Vampire, Wife Says" - Virtual New York
* "Problem Cows Gunned Down From the Air" - The Salt Lake Tribune
* "Rabid Lithuanian Lab Mice Missing" - The Associated Press . . . and
* "Drug Residue Found at Bard's Home" - Los Angeles Times


   Yes, it's true, several 17th century clay pipes were dug up at the site of Billy "The Shake's" residence, which South African researchers said may contain a residue of marijuana. The Stratford-on-Avon Shakespeare Birthplace Trust granted the Pretoria scientists leave (or was it "leaf"?) to analyze 24 pipe fragments out of which eight showed evidence of pot and two yielded traces of cocaine.
   Maybe that's how he wrote "Anything You Want To."

   "Warning! Thou hast just received the Amish virus. Since we have not electricity or computers, we ask thee kindly to delete all files on thy hard drive and forward this message to all in thy address book."
- from Jack Angel


   Richard Owen writes in the London Times that the Pope is about to name St Isidore of Seville as the Patron Saint of Computer Users and the Internet on the grounds that in the 7th century he produced one of the worlds first databases in the form of a twenty-volume encyclopedia called The Etymologies.
   "The man who is slow to grasp things but persists and really tries hard is eventually rewarded," he's said to have said.
   Pope Paul last year designated St Thomas More as the patron saint of politicians and statesmen joining St Matthew for accountants, St Genesius for actors, St Nicholas, chemists, St Gabriel, broadcasters, St Lawrence for cooks (he was burned on a grill), for doctors St Luke, firemen, St Agatha, journalists, St Francis of Sales, taxi drivers, St Fiacre, and for lawyers - sorry - St Hilary. The patron saint of television is St Clare (St Francis of Assisi's companion) who was reported to be able to "transmit images of herself to him while she lay ill."
   The Vatican has its own website, "powered by three computers dubbed Raphael, Michael and Gabriel."

** If a man comes to your door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your boobs, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. This is a scam. He is only trying to see your boobs.**
- Good advice from Lev Spiro

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     A BAD RAP!

   We, the Fans Of Real Music (FORM), officially denounce and protest the selection of Steely Dan's "Two Against Nature" as the Grammy Record Of The Year.
   We, the loving fans of Eminem, Madonna, Brittany Spears, Coolio, N'Sync, Christina Aguilera, The Backstreet Boys, Dr. Dre, Metallica, Limp Bizkit, Snoop Doggy Dog and The Deftones urge you to boycott ALL music utilizing the following:
   "Melody, harmony, phrasing, dynamics, arrangement, good intonation, tonality, modulation, improvisation, real instrumentation, more than two sections, and lyrics we don't understand."
   We also ask you not to listen to any music that DOES NOT contain acceptable subject matter which would include ONLY the following: "Death, gang rape, mayhem, gender changing, bigotry, masturbation, public defecation, penile implants, John Rocker, and school bombings."
   Furthermore, we urge you to not purchase or listen to any music that is "jazz based" or has "jazz influence" as it undermines the purpose of music in America.
   Please forward this email to 15 friends and you will receive a $20 gift certificate to Tower Records, a FREE automatic Napster download of Milli Vannilli singing "My Funny Valentine", and a jpeg of Hustler's upcoming "spread" on The Dixie Chicks.
   And see <www.FORM.con> for our new "Fun for the Whole Family" section!

   "Times are bad; children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book."
- Marcus Tullius Cicero . . .
   "Or writing a one-person show"
- Edie McClurg


   Jay Bernsweig attended the Sundance Film Festival in Park City and wrote us about some of the more interesting offerings:
   "The Rig" (U.K., 2000) The lives of a transsexual prostitute, a heroin-addicted priest, a Bangladeshi drug lord, a runaway teen dying of AIDS and two of the Spice Girls are chronicled in this cinéma vérité masterpiece that follows a single syringe as it passes from hand to hand (and arm to arm) in present-day London. (104 minutes; subtitled)
   "Really Grim Misery" (Echte Schrecklige Schmerz - East Germany, 2000) Lottie is an underpaid assembly line worker in the gray and polluted city of Leipzig, forced to abandon his sex change operation at the halfway point when a politically driven strike closes the local noose factory. (185 minutes; b&w)
   "How Silent My Agony" (Friik Ich Stylle - France/Denmark, 2000) On Denmark's windswept northern Fjords, the entire village of Kaaltholm has taken a lifelong vow of silence and celibacy. The entire structure of moral society in the little town is threatened when an insane Parisian woman arrives with plans to mount a production of Annie Get Your Gun. Genevieve Bujold won a Special Jury Prize at Cannes for her portrayal of Mme. Salope, the tuneful psychopath. (140 minutes; musical)
   "How Fat Was My Doobie" (Jamaica, 1999) Saga of a young boy from the mountains, increasingly torn between his family's meager existence in the hemp fields and the lure of glamorous but wicked big city life in Kingston. (73 minutes)
   "Gay My Ass!" (U.S., 2000) Robert Duvall breaks new ground in this sensitive and surprising portrait of a retired steelworker forced to confront his long-repressed sexuality when a Honduran-immigrant florist rents his spare bedroom. (Formerly titled "How Pink My Azaleas". (110 minutes)
   "How Crude the Oil, How Blue the Sky" (Qatar, 2000) In this high-water mark of the newly emerging Qatari cinema, 22 year-old Fouad undergoes a crisis of cultural and personal loyalty as he must choose between duty - his father's vast, natural gas enterprise - and desire, as personified by his Jewish/mulatta girlfriend Rachel and the glamorous life he shares with her in the 24/7 world of L.A.'s hip-hop clubs. (111 minutes; musical)
   "Cholesterol" (Grasa Non Graso - Italy, 2000) When a wealthy Tuscan landowner courts and then jilts a peasant girl from one of his tenant farms, the girl turns to her grandmother, a powerful "strega" who places a curse on the landlord that compels him and everyone he meets to eat and fornicate themselves to death. Watch for Marlon Brando's brilliant, uncredited cameo. (200 minutes; shown in two parts, with a dinner break)

   "Sacred cows make the best hamburger."
- Mark Twain (from Michael Lindsay)


   The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
   Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
   Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
(Your day's not so bad, now, is it?)

   "Yesterday I traveled into the future. I was laying on my bed, shut my eyes and then when I opened them I was 4 hours into the future! And now I can't seem to get back."
- Jason "Topsey" Turvey


   Two cowboys are out in the range talking about their favorite sex positions and one says, "I think I enjoy the Rodeo Position the best."
   "I never heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"
   "Well, it's when you get your gal down on all fours, and you mount her from behind, and you reach around and cup each of her boobies in your hands, and then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel a lot smaller than your sister's.' And then you try to hold on for eight seconds."
(from TAZMO)

   "My sex life is so bad that when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice came on and said, 'Not tonight; I have an earache.'"
- Patty Paul


   "He's still my friend; I'm not going to dislike him just because he killed people. He's not sick in the head like those people from Columbine," states Vanessa Willis, the 15-year old neighbor of Santana High shooter Andy Williams as quoted in the L.A. Times.

   "My karma just ran over your dogma"
- from Michael Lindsay


   MEN: Be more alert and extra cautious when accepting a drink offer from a girl. There is a new drug that is now being used by female sexual predators to induce their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is the drug is available virtually anywhere!
   The drug is in liquid form and goes by the street name "Beer." All a girl needs to do is supply "Beer" and then simply ask the guy home for a night of no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics!



Phil's "Signs of the Times"

So, that's where you learn it!
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim

© 2001 by Phil Proctor

Published 03/08/01