ZINE ON THE DOTTED LINE
Flash! Fred Wiebel, Jr., dauntless and penniless Freditor of the fabled
Firezine, is offering two new re-mastered Firesign Theatre archival CDs: "Questions
& Answers/Firesign Live in '75", and Austin & Ossman's "Big Broadcast Of
1976" to raise $cratch to publish Firezine 8. Please help, and get a heap of laffs in
the bargain, at http://www.firezine.net
Also keep an ear (and eye) out for Rykodisc's month-end release of "Back
From The Shadows", the first in a series of Firesign DVDs from Whirlwind Media, which includes an
hour-long interview and video goodies to augment this rare Mobile Fidelity reunion set.
"I love a girl who wears
leather pants, because when you take them off, she smells like a new car."
- Sheldon Leonard from Jack Riley
HAVE FAITH, BY GEORGE!
Claire
Petersky suggests that George W. Bush should not limit the government's proposal of
faith-based efforts just to the human service sector but should support a faith-based
missile defense system (FBMD) as well.
It would not violate arms controls agreements we have signed in the past,
calming many foreign policy experts and allies who fear development of the National
Missile Defense system (NMD)
will trigger a new arms race; and secondly, the $12.7 billion NMD is projected to cost
could be used instead for our national parks, education, housing the homeless, etc. as the
FBMD could be practically free!
Granted, a faith-based system may end up being ineffective, states Ms
Petersky, but after spending more than $50 billion on NMD anti-missile technology since
1983, we still have scant evidence that it works either.
On our coinage it states, "In God We Trust." It's time for George W. Bush to extend that trust in the protection of our
nation.
"According to an article in
Modern Maturity, a munchkin approached
Judy Garland during the filming of 'Oz' and said: 'I'm going to screw you by the time this
picture's done.' To which she replied: 'If you do, and I ever find out . . .'"
- Ivan's Jokes
NAME THAT LOON
Eric Boardman reports that the audience of Jayne Carroll's Portland,
Oregon-based political talk radio show was recently polled for the official name for Bill
& Hillary Clinton's $1.7 million Chappaqua, New York home. Some suggestions:
"Perjurers' Palace, The House of Bill's Repute, The House of 7 Felonies, The Clinton
Compost, Drawers Downs, Sin Simeon, Hillbilly Villa, The Knee Pad, The White Trash House,
The Blight House, Dogpatch on the
Hudson, The Hen House, The Out House, The Love Shack, and Bill & Hill's Bribe &
Breakfast."
But the clear, hands-down winner was - DISGRACELAND. "
"Pediatricians for Peter Pan
announced today that his testicles have finally descended."
- Yuri Rasovsky
PLAYING DOCTOR
A four-year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor
looked into her ears, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" The little girl stayed
silent.
Next, he looked down her throat. "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down
there?" he asked. Again, the little girl was silent. Then as he listened to her
heartbeat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney
in there?"
"Oh, no!" the little girl finally replied. "Jesus is in my
heart - Barney's on my underpants."
"The three stages of getting
sick are: ill, pill and bill."
- From Patty Paul
READ ALL ABOUT IT!
* "Analysis: Biblical plagues hit Britain" - United Press
International
* "Putin A Vampire, Wife Says" - Virtual New York
* "Problem Cows Gunned Down From the Air" - The Salt Lake Tribune
* "Rabid Lithuanian Lab Mice Missing" - The Associated Press . .
. and
* "Drug Residue Found at Bard's Home" - Los Angeles Times
MIDSUMMER'S
NIGHT DREAM?
Yes, it's true, several 17th century
clay pipes were dug up at the site of Billy "The Shake's" residence, which South
African researchers said may contain a residue of marijuana.
The Stratford-on-Avon Shakespeare Birthplace Trust granted the Pretoria scientists leave
(or was it "leaf"?) to analyze 24 pipe fragments out of which eight showed
evidence of pot and two yielded traces of cocaine.
Maybe that's how he wrote "Anything You Want To."
"Warning! Thou hast just
received the Amish virus. Since we have not electricity or computers, we ask thee kindly
to delete all files on thy hard drive and forward this message to all in thy address
book."
- from Jack Angel
CYBER-SAINT SOON?
Richard Owen writes in the London Times that the Pope is about to name St Isidore of Seville as the Patron Saint of
Computer Users and the Internet on the grounds that in the 7th century he produced one of
the worlds first databases in the form of a twenty-volume encyclopedia called The
Etymologies.
"The man who is slow to grasp things but persists and really tries hard
is eventually rewarded," he's said to have said.
Pope Paul last year designated St Thomas More as the patron saint of
politicians and statesmen joining St Matthew for accountants, St Genesius for actors, St
Nicholas, chemists, St Gabriel, broadcasters, St Lawrence for cooks (he was burned on a
grill), for doctors St Luke, firemen, St Agatha, journalists, St Francis of Sales, taxi
drivers, St Fiacre, and for lawyers - sorry - St Hilary. The patron saint of television is
St Clare (St Francis of Assisi's companion) who was reported to be able to "transmit
images of herself to him while she lay ill."
The Vatican has its own website,
"powered by three computers dubbed Raphael, Michael and Gabriel."
** If a man comes to your door and says he is conducting a survey and asks
you to show him your boobs, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. This is a scam. He is only trying
to see your boobs.**
- Good advice from Lev Spiro
[Go to next
column to continue reading]
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A BAD RAP!
We, the Fans Of Real Music (FORM),
officially denounce and protest the selection of Steely Dan's "Two Against
Nature" as the Grammy Record Of The Year.
We, the loving fans of Eminem, Madonna, Brittany Spears, Coolio, N'Sync,
Christina Aguilera, The Backstreet Boys, Dr. Dre, Metallica, Limp Bizkit, Snoop Doggy Dog
and The Deftones urge you to boycott ALL music utilizing the following:
"Melody, harmony, phrasing, dynamics, arrangement, good intonation,
tonality, modulation, improvisation, real instrumentation, more than two sections, and
lyrics we don't understand."
We also ask you not to listen to any music that DOES NOT contain acceptable
subject matter which would include ONLY the following: "Death, gang rape, mayhem,
gender changing, bigotry, masturbation, public defecation, penile implants, John Rocker, and school bombings."
Furthermore, we urge you to not purchase or listen to any music that is
"jazz based" or has "jazz influence" as it undermines the purpose of
music in America.
Please forward this email to 15 friends and you will receive a $20 gift
certificate to Tower Records, a FREE automatic Napster download of Milli Vannilli singing
"My Funny Valentine", and a jpeg of Hustler's upcoming "spread" on The
Dixie Chicks.
And see <www.FORM.con> for our new "Fun for the Whole Family"
section!
"Times are bad; children no
longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book."
- Marcus Tullius Cicero . . .
"Or writing a one-person show"
- Edie McClurg
SUNDANCE HOT PICKS
Jay Bernsweig attended the Sundance Film Festival in Park City and wrote
us about some of the more interesting offerings:
"The Rig" (U.K., 2000) The lives of a transsexual prostitute, a
heroin-addicted priest, a Bangladeshi drug lord, a runaway teen dying of AIDS and two of
the Spice Girls are chronicled in this cinéma vérité masterpiece that
follows a single syringe as it passes from hand to hand (and arm to arm) in present-day
London. (104 minutes; subtitled)
"Really Grim Misery" (Echte Schrecklige Schmerz - East Germany,
2000) Lottie is an underpaid assembly line worker in the gray and polluted city of Leipzig, forced to
abandon his sex change operation at the halfway point when a politically driven strike
closes the local noose factory. (185 minutes; b&w)
"How Silent My Agony" (Friik Ich Stylle - France/Denmark, 2000) On
Denmark's windswept northern Fjords, the entire village of Kaaltholm has taken a lifelong
vow of silence and celibacy. The entire structure of moral society in the little town is
threatened when an insane Parisian woman arrives with plans to mount a production of Annie
Get Your Gun. Genevieve
Bujold won a Special Jury Prize at Cannes for her portrayal of Mme. Salope, the
tuneful psychopath. (140 minutes; musical)
"How Fat Was My Doobie"
(Jamaica, 1999) Saga of a young boy from the mountains, increasingly torn between his
family's meager existence in the hemp fields and the lure of glamorous but wicked big city
life in Kingston. (73 minutes)
"Gay My Ass!" (U.S., 2000) Robert Duvall breaks new ground in this
sensitive and surprising portrait of a retired steelworker forced to confront his
long-repressed sexuality when a Honduran-immigrant florist rents his spare bedroom.
(Formerly titled "How Pink My Azaleas". (110 minutes)
"How Crude the Oil, How Blue the Sky" (Qatar, 2000) In this
high-water mark of the newly emerging Qatari cinema, 22 year-old Fouad undergoes a crisis
of cultural and personal loyalty as he must choose between duty - his father's vast,
natural gas enterprise - and desire, as personified by his Jewish/mulatta
girlfriend Rachel and the glamorous life he shares with her in the 24/7 world of L.A.'s
hip-hop clubs. (111 minutes; musical)
"Cholesterol" (Grasa Non Graso - Italy, 2000) When a wealthy Tuscan
landowner courts and then jilts a peasant girl from one of his tenant farms, the girl
turns to her grandmother, a powerful "strega"
who places a curse on the landlord that compels him and everyone he meets to eat and
fornicate themselves to death. Watch for Marlon Brando's brilliant, uncredited cameo. (200
minutes; shown in two parts, with a dinner break)
"Sacred cows make
the best hamburger."
- Mark Twain (from Michael Lindsay)
IT COULD BE WORSE . . .
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal
after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the
most expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause
from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs
to a slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped
through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It
came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he
opened it and was blown to bits.
(Your day's not so bad, now, is it?)
"Yesterday I
traveled into the future. I was laying on my bed, shut my eyes and then when I opened them
I was 4 hours into the future! And now I can't seem to get back."
- Jason "Topsey" Turvey
RIDE
'EM COWBOY!
Two cowboys are out in the range
talking about their favorite sex positions and one says, "I think I enjoy the Rodeo
Position the best."
"I never heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is
it?"
"Well, it's when you get your gal down on all fours, and you mount her
from behind, and you reach around and cup each of her boobies in your hands, and
then you whisper in her ear, 'Boy, these feel a lot smaller than your sister's.' And then
you try to hold on for eight seconds."
(from TAZMO)
"My sex life is so bad that
when I called one of those phone sex lines, a voice came on and said, 'Not tonight; I have
an earache.'"
- Patty Paul
DOES SHE BELIEVE IN SANTEE CLAUS, TOO?
"He's still my friend; I'm not going to dislike him just because he
killed people. He's not sick in the head like those people from Columbine," states
Vanessa Willis, the 15-year old neighbor of Santana High shooter Andy Williams as quoted
in the L.A. Times.
"My karma just ran over your dogma"
- from Michael Lindsay
FOR MEN ONLY!!!!
MEN: Be more alert and extra cautious when accepting a drink offer from a
girl. There is a new drug that is now being used by female sexual predators to induce
their male victims to have sex with them. The shocking news is the drug is available
virtually anywhere!
The drug is in liquid form and goes by the street name "Beer." All a girl needs to do is supply
"Beer" and then simply ask the guy home for a night of no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered literally helpless against such tactics!
FORWARD THIS IMPORTANT WARNING
TO EVERY GUY YOU KNOW!
03/06/01
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