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Volume 04

PB and PP with Stan Freberg
(from PP's private collection.)

"He toi whakairo, he mana tangata."
Where there is artistic excellence, there - is human dignity.
- Maori proverb


   The Antaean Classical Valentine's Fundraiser at the fabulous El Portal is now history, and in spite of a close call with the caterers, inclement weather and a last-minute promotion, a grand time was had by all, performers and public alike.
   Thanks particularly go to Dakin Matthews for his Herculean efforts at mounting this imposing event, and to his amiable co-host Larry Pressman for moving the evening along in grand style.
   Highlights included Harry Groener's hysterical rendition of Noel Coward's "Don't Put Your Daughter on the Stage", recognition of the philanthropic work of Dr. Barry Kohn and a moving tribute to our late colleagues David Dukes and David Byrd.
   The Firesign Theatre was proud to be included in this evening of so many stars, and my love goes to all who gave so generously of their time and talents to make the evening a success - particularly our musical maestro, the gifted Jan Powell, and our technically talented Texan, Terry Evans, who proved once again that he knows how to handle the bull. Now that we know what we can do on short notice - just wait until next year!

  "We build up our military, we spend time on health care and there are many other worthy causes; but undeniably history will pronounce its judgement on us based on our arts and literature."
- Antaen and Ovation Award winner, Douglas Sills


   Due to the great consternation caused by the revelation of my act of procreation, I accept my obligation to give an explanation to the population for my act of copulation. I gave in to temptation, for the anticipation of sexual gratification, that I could not obtain through masturbation, resulted in my fornication.
   I accepted her invitation, and provided her with excitation, stimulation, penetration, replication, and liberation. She provided lubrication (to avoid inflammation) and I wore condoms to avoid contamination. She cried for duplication but I insisted upon termination, in spite of her fascination with variation.
   This has caused me great aggravation, and the agitation and provocation of the media has resulted in my humiliation, denigration, and degradation. My wife is considering castration, which would require my hospitalization. Pray that this matter will find culmination in my sanctification and rehabilitation so that my plans for nomination to my ultimate vocation will not result in revocation and termination.
   I hope this proclamation has provided illumination and verification and will prohibit further provocation.
   Sincerely, The Rev. Jesse Jackson
(From Take A Break)

   "Moms have Mother's Day, Fathers have Father's Day, so what do single guys have? Palm Sunday."
- Source regrettably lost

BUT, MOM . . .

* Mona Lisa's Mother: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"
* Columbus' Mother: "I don't care what you discovered - you could have written!"
* Michelangelo's Mother: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"
* Napoleon's Mother: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out and show me."
* Lincoln's Mother: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a cap like the other kids?"
* Mary's Mother: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I'd like to know how he got a better grade than you."
* Einstein's Mother: "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair?"
* Washington's Mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"
* Jonah's Mother: "Now tell me where you've really been for the last 40 years."
* Paul Revere's Mother: "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew."
* Edison's Mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"
(From Aleta Braxton O'Brien)
Originally from PP 2000.21  9/10/00, but worth repeating.

"Space aliens" - The way many contemporary Japanese refer to their kids.


1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
(Ivan's Jokes)

   "Every gun that is made, every rocket that is fired signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and not clothed."
- Dwight David Eisenhower


   In a bi-partisan move, President Bush nominated Dr. Hannibal Lecter as his Candidate for US Surgeon General. "I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti," Bush announced.
   In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore who disappeared in early January after a meeting with the Doctor set up by the new President.
   Lecter noted that he "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore - or rather, the *subject* of Gore - kept coming up.
   "I'm sick to my stomach over this," he said.
   President Bush didn't seem concerned with the disappearance of his ex-rival for the office. "I think it's all crap, don't you?" he observed.
(From Ivan's Jokes)

   "GORE WINS! announces The Chicago Tribune's article on the movie 'Hannibal' and its first-place finish at the weekend box office."
- Thanks to Jon Delfin


   Southern California hosts a chain of stores called "Lechter's" which sells, mainly . . . kitchen supplies; but the REAL Hannibal Lecter chose his victims and his preparation of them with great care. For example, Dr. Lecter always started off his morning with a cup of Joe.
   Herb was ground up to flavor other victims, especially Tom, who tasted like turkey and Joey who reminded him of young kangaroo meat. Then there was the victim from Monterey whom the Doctor stuffed with cheese - Jack; while another of his victims was obese, so it took Hannibal a while to eat his Phil.
   Frank had very little taste, so Hannibal ground him up and stuffed him into the skin of other victims, but he loved the wealthy Spanish baron, (whom he savored with a glass of fine champagne), Dom.
(Adapted from material at originallyfunny@earthlink.net from Steve Shaw)

   "They misunderestimate me. I am a pitbull on the pant leg of opportunity. I know that the human being and the fish can coexist."
- G.W. Bush

[Go to next column to continue reading]


   A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up.
   "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship," the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theater arts. She communicates real well, and I just act like I'm listening."
(From Patty Paul)

   "You're not telling a lie; you're trying an idea on for size."
- Dr. David Walker, the Science of Mind Church


Dear God,
   Is it true that dogs are not allowed in restaurants because we can't make up our minds what NOT to order? Or is it the carpets again? The new terrier I live with just peed on the Oriental rug and I have a feeling my family might blame me 'cuz they think I'm jealous of this stupid dog.
   Since they have no sense of smell, how can I convince them I'm innocent? (Does PetsMart sell lie detectors?) How come people love to smell flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another? Where are their priorities?
   Excuse me, but why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not one named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! I know every breed can't have its own model, but couldn't they rename the Chrysler Eagle the Chrysler Beagle?
   If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog? Are there dogs on other planets, or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the beagle across the street.
   When we get to Heaven, can we sit on your couch or is it the same old story; and if we come back as humans - is that good or bad?
(From Patty Paul)

   "Council has approved plans to convert the former Conservative Club into a unit for the mentally ill."
- from Grauniad, U.K.


Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep.
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
Who's not afraid to admit he's wrong.
One who thinks before he speaks.
And if he says he'll call,
doesn't wait 6 weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.
Pulls out my chair & opens my door,
Massages my back & begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who will make love to my mind;
Knows just what to say when I ask
- "How fat is my behind?"
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin',
Who brings ME a sandwich, too,
when he goes to the kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And would never compare me with my best girlfriend.
I thank You in advance and now I'll just wait,
For I just know You will send him
before it's too late.

   "Valentine's Day and Condom Day are celebrated on the same date."
- Phil's Funny Facts


As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman who's really cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long,
And's not loath to admit she's mostly wrong;
One who goes down and doesn't speak
(And promises to do so, once a week.)
I pray that she is very randy,
'Cause one like that would come in handy
Who begs for it (even on the floor),
And once I'm done, just begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who won't play with my mind;
Who knows what she wants
(and that's lots from behind)!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin'
And bring me a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait,
So I'll **** all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
A man

   "A glass of beer garnished with an olive is known as a 'poor man's martini.'"
- Daniel R. White, "The Martini", Ariel Books


1. Sag, you're it!
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the Bucket.
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doctor Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and Go Pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta.
10. Musical Recliners.

   "In Indiana, we don't ever know what time it is."
- Goshen's Audre Proctor


   Among many others, we've recently lost Howard Koch, Stanley Kramer, Dale Evans, Dale Earnhardt and Charles Trenet, "Le Fou Chantant" who said, "I will go on singing until I see people running for the exits."
   But the most personal loss to me and many of my readers, was our dear Lewis Arquette, the result of a gene-and-tonic from the exploring team of "Lewis" and Clark and the vaudeville team of Arquette and Clark, "The Funny Hebrew and the Singing Soubrette", son of the beloved "Charley Weaver" and sire of Rosanna, Richmond, Patricia, Alexis and David.
   Lewis was a true master of improvisational arts, working with the Committee and Viola Spolin and her son Paul Sills in his "Story Theatre", with whom I had the pleasure of appearing in a Mark Taper Anniversary performance.
   Planeteer Danny Mann writes, "All of the Spolin Players prided themselves on their vocal mimicry of Lewis. It was our highest form of flattery. As Viola Spolin might have said - "Feel him in the space."

   "A creative-writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The prize-winning essay read: 'My God,' said the Queen, 'I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?'"
(From Jack Angel)


   "Who's Your Daddy" by writer/performer Craig Shoemaker and directed by Antaen John Achorn at the Coronet Studio Theatre on Tuesday/Wednesday til Feb 28th: (310) 657-7377;
   "Relativity" with Melinda Peterson til March 3rd: (818) 842-4755;
   And Joe and Paul's "Recess" with PP as a scientist gone baaad!


Phil's "Signs of the Times"

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For "Surreal West?"
Haven't we all . . .
captioned by
Tiny Dr. Tim

2001 by Phil Proctor

Published 02/25/01