MEN/WOMEN/SAMETHING

   She is not a babe or a chick - she is a breasted American and if implanted, medically enhanced. She's not easy but horizontally accessible; not horny - just sexually focussed, and even if she's "been around" she's only a "previously enjoyed companion", not a two-bit whore but a low cost provider; not dumb, just a detour off the information superhighway; not an airhead but "reality impaired", does not get drunk or tipsy - just chemically inconvenienced. And she never nags you, she simply becomes verbally repetitive.
   He does not have a beer gut ! He has developed a liquid grain storage facility. He doesn't get falling-down drunk, just accidentally horizontal. He is not balding but in follicle regression. He's not a bad dancer, just overly Caucasian, does not get lost all the time, but investigates alternative destinations. He doesn't fear commitment, he's "monogamously challenged"; he's not a cradle robber but prefers generationally different relationships; not a male chauvinist pig, just expressing swine empathy. And of course, he never acts like a total ass, but occasionally suffers from rectal-cranial inversion.
(Source regrettably lost)

   "I am tired of this sort of thing called science. We have spent millions in that sort of thing . . . and it is time it should be stopped."
- Penn. Sen. Simon Cameron on funding for the Smithsonian Institution, 1861, from Gary Gordon

!!!!! DIAL 911 !!!!!

Caller: Am I talking to a real person or is this a recording? We might (cough) need the fire department here. (cough) Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital or does the ambulance have to do it? He's not breathing!
911: Can you get the phone close to him?
Caller: Why? You want to hear he's not breathing, too?
911: We'll need a description of him.
Caller: He's a lawyer.
911: What is your address?
Caller: It's gone. Somebody stole our mailbox.

   "When you reach my age and you find yourself eating light bulbs for a living, you know you've made some bad career moves along the way."
- Circus performer Matt Hely in Newsweek's "Perspectives"

HOT HAMS!

   According to "This Is True" the South Carolina Myrtle Beach City Manager wants to eliminate the local Fire Department's annual rabble-rousing fund-raiser which for the last four years has been a "ham rubbing" featuring semi-naked gals romping on stage while their boobs are massaged with steaks of smoked swine.
   The blue-nosed city official demanded that the over $2,000 raised by this racy ritual be returned and added, "This will be the last ham rubbing they have for the fire department." Next year, what - a weenie massage?

   "I've been around for a while. I can remember when a hot story broke and the reporters would run in and shout,'Stop the chisels!' "
- Ronald Reagan

AYE, THERE'S THE RUB!

   Three men are discussing last night's lovemaking. The Italian says, "My wife, I rubbed her all over with fine olive oil, then we make wonderful love. She screamed for five minutes."
   The Frenchman says, "I smoothed sweet butter on my wife's body, then we made passionate love. She screamed for half an hour."
   The Jewish guy says, "I covered my wife's body with chicken fat. We made love and she screamed for six hours."
   "Six hours?" the others say, "How did you make her scream for six hours?"
   He shrugs and says, "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
(From Shelley Herman)

   "No birth control is needed in Florida! Half the population doesn't know which hole to punch, and the other half can't penetrate."
- From Jack Angel

PARDON ME!

To: Mr. John Hinkley, St. Elizabeth Hospital, Washington D.C.

Dear John,

   Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. We want you to know that no grudge is borne against you for shooting President Reagan.
   We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
   I hereby pardon you and warmly welcome you back into society.

(signed) Bill Clinton

P.S. George W. Bush is screwing Jodie Foster.

   "The most powerful men in the country are Bush, Dick and Colon."

LIFE IS TUFF

   First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis. Then they gave me hypodermics.
   Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy.These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while but I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis. I don't know how I pulled through it.
   It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

   "Take these pills as often as you can get the cap off."
- Patty Paul

I'M HAVING A SPELL!

Eye halve a spelling chequer, it came with my pea sea,
It plainly marques four my revue, miss steaks eye kin knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word and weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write - it shows me strait a weigh!
As soon as a mist ache is maid, it nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite. Its rare lea ever wrong.
Eye have run this hole poem threw it - I am shore your pleased two
No, Its letter perfect awl the weigh! My chequer tolled me sew.
(Martha Snow)

[Go to next column to continue reading]

   "My tongue got caught in my eyeteeth, so I couldn't see what I saw saying."
- "Texasism" from columnist Molly Ivins, Austin Star-Telegram

MADE IN CHINA

   According to our London correspondent, Larry Belling, Chinese scientists have performed the first successful cloning of a human being. Unfortunately, it was also discovered that the DNA donor suffered from Turret's Syndrome. As a result, the clone soon began to exhibit the same characteristic swearing tendencies as the donor.
   Then, the project's lead scientist - deeply embarrassed by the new clone's incessant profanity - confessed to taking him onto the roof of the remote top-secret science facility and pushing him to his death.
   The contrite scientist was charged with making an obscene clone fall.

   "It is not enough to wire the world if you short circuit the soul."
- Tom Brokaw at the 85th Anniversary of the California Community Foundation

HELLMARK CARDS

So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day . . .
Look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
My tire was thumping . . . I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire . . . I noticed your cat. Sorry!
Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine, I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you . . . How upset you must be . . .
But don't fret about it . . . She moved in with me.
Your computer is dead . . . it was once so alive.
Don't you regret installing Windows 95?
You totaled your car . . . and can't remember why.
Could it have been . . . the case of Bud Dry?
Saw something today that reminded me of you.
As a matter of fact, it was some shit on my shoe!
(Thanks go to Carlos Carrasco)

   "Method acting is like masturbating. It's a lot of fun but it doesn't accomplish much."
- Charleton Heston, Los Angeles Magazine

MORE UKRANIAN PRODUCTS

   A product called "Tourist Matches" was offered to the post cold-war Ukrainian consumers as "ideal for campers, utility workers and homemakers." Developed by officials at a decommissioned napalm factory in Shotska, the matches were developed to fire up when wet and burn for over a minute.
   One little problem, however. In product testing it was found that a match would burn through a glass ashtray and a table, setting the rug below ablaze, and they can't be blown out or extinguished in water and stomping on one only scatters red-hot embers.
   A box of 45 sells for 25 cents and carries a warning pictograph of a naked half-burned man in a field of charred stumps.
(From "Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest" by Kohut and Sweet, Plume Books)

   "What are we going to eat? Every carrot squeals when you rip it from the ground if you had but ears to hear it."
- Betty Fussell from "My Kitchen Wars"

A-MAZING NEWS

   According to director and amateur Doctor Jeff Mandel, "Rats apparently can't escape the rat race, even when they're sound asleep."
   Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology claim to have studied ratty dreams and found them working their way through the same lab mazes they negotiated during the day. See how alike all we animals are?
   Also, there used to be a radio show called, "It Pays to be Ignorant" but recent studies reveal that "It Pains to be Intelligent!"
   A study of "smart" rodents shows them to suffer from an increased sensitivity to certain kinds of pain. What's next? A genetically-engineered race of cranky smart-asses?

   "The stage pays the soul, but it doesn't pay the rent."
- Stacy Keach

STAGE FOR THE SOUL

   The Firesign Theatre will perform the "Graveyard Love Scene" from Act II of Shakespeare's Lost Comedie: "Anythynge You Want To" in a rare Los Angeles appearance at "A Classical Valentine", the Antaeus Company's February 12th Gala Celebration at the El Portal Theatre on 5267 Lankershim. The fun starts at 6:30 with a wine reception and gourmet dinner.
   Friends of Firesign can take advantage of special $75 tickets by calling 818-506-8462.

   "Peterson delights as the energetic, motor-mouthed sister."
- "Relativity" reviewed by Dany Margolies in Back Stage West. Call 818-842-4755 for tix.

LAST LAUGHS

   Former acquaintance Sandy Baron, quirky actor and stand-up comic born Sanford Beresofsky in Brooklyn, hung up his mike at the age of 64 due to emphysema.
   After receiving rave reviews for his portrayal of Lenny Bruce in "Lenny" at Hollywood's Aquarius Theatre in 1972, those of us who knew him will never forget how he became distraught and disappeared when the coveted movie role was given to Dustin Hoffman.
   "I'm not just trying to play the soul of just Lenny or me," he explained after finally showing up unharmed, "I want to be a channel for my fellow comedians, for their pain and for their torture . . . trying to be funny before a thousand people a night."
   He appeared recently on "Seinfeld" and in about 20 films, including Woody Allen's "Broadway Danny Rose" as a kosher comic "who has seen too many sunrises through the murky filter of a cabaret's smoke." The smoke that kills.
   Also off the air is Deidre O'Donohugh, 52, found deceased in her Santa Monica apartment. She was known for her delightful "Breakfast With the Beatles" but was hosting "SNAP" (Saturday Night Avant Pop) on KCRW when I knew her. Tom Schnabel, longtime host of "Cafe L.A." described her as talented - passionate about music, and opinionated." Many musicians will miss her.

   "It's hard to be a saint in Los Angeles. Those of you who are saints know what I mean."
- Dr. David Walker, "Science of Mind"

02/01/01